Nice Guys Finished Last? Heartbroken once again. She dropped the bomb on me..

January 11, 2006

Well, here I am again after a few months after my last breakup with my girlfriend of 2 years. Well, here is my dilemma now where it stands. I have recently met an amazing woman. The way we had met was that she was my friends girlfriends friend. And basically they had set us up, now she lives 2 hours away from me. We started talking on MSN for a while (about 2 weeks or so) and then I drove up to see her, we hit it off big time; we held hands, cuddled and everything just seemed so awesome how we clicked.. From then and until the next 3 weeks everything was awesome; I went up on a few more occasions, everything was going great; we eventually kissed and everything seemed like it was really going somewhere great. We would generally talk on the phone almost every day..

Up until a few weeks ago that was, she went home to visit her family for Christmas. Her folks only live about 45 min away from me so I figured it would be great opportunity to see her more, but it wasn't really. Her parents are really old fashioned and well, strict. I had met her dad and her mom as well as the rest of her family. I got the "speech" from her dad basically how she should finish school first etc and I agreed 100% as I am an advocate of getting an education. Supposedly her family loved me, her sisters liked me, her brothers liked me; nothing but good things to say she told me. I was even invited to her sisters house a few more times during that time she was down.

So, now I'm thinking.. Wow things are really going great; she invited me to her home, introduced me to her folks; she must really see something in me. Well, these past few weeks that she was down I had noticed that she has been almost losing interest in our relationship and quite frankly it was bothering me. She left for home sunday, so I text messaged her before she left and then another a few hours later to make sure she got in safe; nothing out of the ordinary as she has asked me to do the same on multiple occasions when I drove to see her. She didnt call, so I started wondering.... so I called her Sunday night and thats when the $^&$ hit the fan. She had basically told me that she thought I thought more of the relationship than she does, and that I am more into it and investing more into it than she has. Here is the kicker as well, she has never had a boyfriend before; so the most she has ever done with a guy was with me (making out, cuddling, etc)

Heres where the thing comes in about being a nice guy, did I go too far in trying to be a "good guy". I mean I admit we had to act differently around her family and such and that was understandable, but now it seems as if she has completely revamped her way of thinking about me. I had talked to her last night and she says she feels something is different, I asked her when did she start feeling differnt; she said it was the week after NewYears.. I mean, what could I have possibly done that would change how she thought about "us."

I mean, I know she is starting school this week; and she is very focussed on her school which I understand. She even said something about me not causing her to focus on things? Is this just an excuse?

It's just that I am really hurting over this, I was crazy for this girl and it just really sucks that this could happen.. What should I do? I had emailed her and told her if she wanted to keep dating me/seeing me then to let me know and I would continue to drive up to see her, but if she doesnt see any future potential; to just let me know.. I really like the girl and would love for things to work out, but I dont want to make the wrong moves from this point on. Should I step back and just leave it up to her? Is there anything I can do? How could she have felt one way the first few weeks we were seeing eachother and then all of a sudden change her views on things.. Could it be just that we havnt really spent much quality time together due to her being down to visit her family (how could she have forgot how she felt about me?)

This all makes no sense to me..

Please help me guys, if you need anymore details please ask.. I am desperate.

January 11, 2006

We would generally talk on the phone almost every day..

why every day? why not once or twice a week, especially for the first few months.

Supposedly her family loved me, her sisters liked me, her brothers liked me; nothing but good things to say she told me. I was even invited to her sisters house a few more times during that time she was down.

why did you accept her family's invitation? that was plain ignorant. you never do this after you've known a woman for a short time. You should have told her "Maybe next XMAS honey... if we're still dating at that time".

Well, these past few weeks that she was down I had noticed that she has been almost losing interest in our relationship and quite frankly it was bothering me.

She was losing interest because you caused her to lose interest. Instead of following her around like a desperate puppy dog maybe you should have been more of a challenge and played hard-to-get.

She left for home sunday, so I text messaged her before she left and then another a few hours later to make sure she got in safe;

Why? Its not a good idea to smother any woman with attention.

She had basically told me that she thought I thought more of the relationship than she does, and that I am more into it and investing more into it than she has.

She's right. You made the classic mistake of giving too much too soon.

she has never had a boyfriend before; so the most she has ever done with a guy was with me (making out, cuddling, etc)

can you confirm this independently or is it just what she told you?

did I go too far in trying to be a "good guy".

Yes

.. I mean, what could I have possibly done that would change how she thought about "us."

I told you above. 95% of men fall into this trap.

She even said something about me not causing her to focus on things? Is this just an excuse?

Yes

I had emailed her and told her if she wanted to keep dating me/seeing me then to let me know and I would continue to drive up to see her,

Another "nice guy" mistake.... so basically you told her that if she decides to hang out with you again then you'll be around forever waiting for her? Just like the little puppy dog?

Is there anything I can do?

Yes, start dating other girls and make sure your ex knows about it. And stop being so nice and start acting more masculine.

January 11, 2006

Oh yes and another important detail. I had thought initially that her dad might have said something to make her think twice, but she had told me she asked him if she really likes me and if I was the one. Supposedly that bothered her she said.. So I am doubtful that anyone might have said anything, but she did inform me that she had spoken to her sisters; and they had told her they regret when they were younger not looking around for more guys; as in, not falling for the first one they "fell in love" with sort of thing..

So Im wondering, was it just because she was excited for the first time in her a life a guy came along and now is just getting sick of me? or the attention I gave her?

January 11, 2006

why every day? why not once or twice a week, especially for the first few months.

why did you accept her family's invitation? that was plain ignorant. you never do this after you've known a woman for a short time. You should have told her "Maybe next XMAS honey... if we're still dating at that time".

She was losing interest because you caused her to lose interest. Instead of following her around like a desperate puppy dog maybe you should have been more of a challenge and played hard-to-get.

Why? Its not a good idea to smother any woman with attention.

She's right. You made the classic mistake of giving too much too soon.

can you confirm this independently or is it just what she told you?

Yes

I told you above. 95% of men fall into this trap.

Yes

Another "nice guy" mistake.... so basically you told her that if she decides to hang out with you again then you'll be around forever waiting for her? Just like the little puppy dog?

Yes, start dating other girls and make sure your ex knows about it. And stop being so nice and start acting more masculine.

Just a heads-up to all the young and impressionable male readers out there (yes, including you, OP) the above advice only applies when dealing with young, immature, and *hot* women who are easily duped by *playuh* antics - a definite minority in all of womanhood.

Forget about this BS when it concerns all other women please...

January 11, 2006

it was probably too much too fast. that can make either sex feel less excitement and attraction.

email her and tell her that after thinking about it, that she's right and she probably needs to focus on school right now and you probably need to have fun with other girls. Wish her the best with her schoolwork. then leave her alone.

January 12, 2006

Yeah I don't know what I should do, Im thinking I should just wait and see what happens. I mean this really sucks big time, I really liked this girl; and genuinely felt she felt the same way... I guess I can only blame myself for setting myself up for disappointment..

Any other advice?

January 12, 2006

She is young, and inexperienced.

I was there when I was a teen too. Had a few girls seem really into me and then turn around after a short time and blow it out of the water.

Its ok, it happens. I would suggest moving on, date around and have fun. I often wonder about the people who are each others first love and still together after many years. That seems odd to me, even thought quite a few of my relatives are in this situation.

January 12, 2006

Completely ridiculous to go back and critique your plan of attack. You did what came natural to you and sooner or later that will work for some girl. Unfortunatley we're talking about free will here. Everybody is different and maybe something you did scared this girl off because she's not ready. THere's nothing you can do. I guarantee if she knew you were dating someone else her tune would change. Sounds unfortunate but that's just how it goes. My advice is to try and find someone that appreciates the nice guy. You just have focus on finding a nice girl...not some hot piece of ass that's going to treat you like crap.

January 12, 2006

Completely ridiculous to go back and critique your plan of attack. You did what came natural to you and sooner or later that will work for some girl. Unfortunatley we're talking about free will here. Everybody is different and maybe something you did scared this girl off because she's not ready. THere's nothing you can do. I guarantee if she knew you were dating someone else her tune would change. Sounds unfortunate but that's just how it goes. My advice is to try and find someone that appreciates the nice guy. You just have focus on finding a nice girl...not some hot piece of ass that's going to treat you like crap.

Thank you. This is what makes me thump!

Another voice of reason and sanity, folks, unlike you-know-who.

January 12, 2006

She is young, and inexperienced.

I was there when I was a teen too. Had a few girls seem really into me and then turn around after a short time and blow it out of the water.

Its ok, it happens. I would suggest moving on, date around and have fun. I often wonder about the people who are each others first love and still together after many years. That seems odd to me, even thought quite a few of my relatives are in this situation.

Well, we're not necesarilly teens at t his point; she is 21 going on 22 and I am 22 years old. I think it may be that we are at different levels in our lives, she still has 2 years to finish school; and I am just finishing up my degree, starting a new software company, working fulltime, etc. Personally, I dont know whats going to happen from here; she may call and she may not call. I think I will need to act as if it isn't bothering me if she does call and maybe even see other women..

My problem is I find one girl and I fall head over heels with her, I guess its similar to putting all my eggs in one basket; and when they get smashed they all get smashed.. *not sure if thats a good analogy but its sort of how I feel.. and I think I definitely need to work on my confidence, I'm not sure if it has impacted this situation at all.. At this point I may need to move on, but its hard..

January 12, 2006

Well, I have done some thinking after reading a few posts on this site and I just sent her the following email, tell me what you think:

Hey,

I've had a chance over the past few days to get a clear head and want you to know that its OK if you don't have the same feelings for me.

You probably are too busy for a relationship with me right now, and I probably need to find someone who is a little more ready to date, and start a meaningful relationship with and see where it all goes.

Well you're a great person, and I wish you all the best.

Take care,

Matt

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Nice Guys Finished Last? Heartbroken once again. She dropped the bomb on me..

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