Missed opportunity. regret

[basil67]

4 hours ago, George81 said:

She may well be married or she may not be, but if i was married i wouldnt be saying hello and smiling to a stranger of the opposite sex.

You might not, but I'm married and it's not uncommon for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger.  I've got a ready smile for anyone

[ExpatInItaly]

You're really getting carried away with this, OP. 

This woman is a stranger who happened to say hi. It means nothing, other than she is friendly. You felt a connection, and you wouldn't say hi to a stranger if you were married - but surely you realize your own thought process and feelings cannot be applied to others. Please don't make the mistake of assuming the same is true for this woman you don't even know.

Try not to lose perspective just because you were attracted to her. It means very little. 

[basil67]

@George81 just so you don't think this is a pile-on, I imagine a lot of us (or at least me) are not saying that she may not have been interested in dating you to insult you or put you down.  Rather, it's about letting you know that you didn't necessarily miss an opportunity.  

[George81]

Thanks Surfcity. No I wouldn't say anything like that, just try and strike up a nice conversation. I had the opportunity to do it as I was walking back through the car park and her daughter was in the car. I didn't take it and that's what I'm upset about. I am quite quiet but I have been improving myself. If I was directly in front of her in the queue I would have struck up a conversation.

This is not something that has happened to me before. If I had tried and it was not reciprocated then at least I tried and could move on. Now all I'm left with is thinking what if I had tried, and that feels worse. There was just something there, like I knew her I can't explain it. I'm hoping that if it's meant to be I'll bump into her again......

[George81]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

@George81 just so you don't think this is a pile-on, I imagine a lot of us (or at least me) are not saying that she may not have been interested in dating you to insult you or put you down.  Rather, it's about letting you know that you didn't necessarily miss an opportunity.  

That's the problem though....what if I did? Nothing I can do now other than learn from this, but it's sure hurting today.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the  more important point to focus on is why this one random occasion is affecting you so much. 

Have you been lonely in love lately? Feeling more down than usual? You seem to have pinned all kinds of hopes on this chance encounter with a stranger, which suggests there is something deeper going on inside you. 

 

[Els]

10 hours ago, George81 said:

if i was married i wouldnt be saying hello and smiling to a stranger of the opposite sex

What do you think that married people do, go around all day with their heads down and glum faces?!?  I don't know where you live but in many cultures it's completely normal for people to smile and make small talk, regardless of martial status. It's definitely not a come on.

[George81]

No that was probably badly worded.  I meant if someone was interested in someone they wouldnt be doing that if they were married. She was definitely interested i could just tell and no one (except her) can say otherwise.

I dont know whats going on, its probably the second time this has happened in my life where ive felt this strong connection for someone.  Ive got a busy life but im ready to date again.  im still feeling regret and disappointment today i didnt try.  Will just have to learn from this and keep fingers crossed i bump into her again.

[ShyViolet]

59 minutes ago, George81 said:

She was definitely interested i could just tell and no one (except her) can say otherwise.

She smiled at you and literally said one word to you.... you can't say that she was "definitely" interested.  She may have been, or she could have been just being friendly.  You don't know anything about her for sure.  You are really projecting here.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, George81 said:

. She was definitely interested i could just tell and no one (except her) can say otherwise

You're too far into your own fantasy here, bud. 

This is why a lot of us women don't smile at or interact with random men in public. We never know when one of them will start spinning tales in his own mind about how much we like him. 

You have no clue if she was interested. She might have gone home and told her husband all about the guy who was staring at her while out with their daughter, for all you know. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, George81 said:

No that was probably badly worded.  I meant if someone was interested in someone they wouldnt be doing that if they were married. She was definitely interested i could just tell and no one (except her) can say otherwise.

I dont know whats going on, its probably the second time this has happened in my life where ive felt this strong connection for someone.  Ive got a busy life but im ready to date again.  im still feeling regret and disappointment today i didnt try.  Will just have to learn from this and keep fingers crossed i bump into her again.

You know literally nothing about her. You don't even know if she was single.

Us men unfortunately have a tendency to build a fantasy of a perfect woman. Certain women seem to trigger it off, and we start to make statements about chemistry and some irresistible attraction we can't really make.

You don't really know someone at all whatsoever until you've gone on 3 or 4 dates, and you don't really know if she actually matches that idea in your head until several months or even years down the line.

By all means go and say hello and shoot your shot if you feel like there might be some potential, but this woman could be a complete psycho for all you know, this wonderful thing you've built up only exists in your head.

I have the same tendency sometimes so I try and always remind myself of that. Putting women on a pedestal won't make yourself more attractive to them either.

Edited April 6 by FredEire

[George81]

Yes 

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're too far into your own fantasy here, bud. 

This is why a lot of us women don't smile at or interact with random men in public. We never know when one of them will start spinning tales in his own mind about how much we like him. 

You have no clue if she was interested. She might have gone home and told her husband all about the guy who was staring at her while out with their daughter, for all you know. 

Yes and left out the bit where she came up to the guy and said hi first :-)!  This thread seems to have gone down a different route.  It wasnt about whether she liked me or not, it was about how to deal with regret and a possible lost opportunity, and why i didnt take it.

@fredeire unfortunately ive put a woman on a pedestal in my life before and learnt from that - wont be doing that again.  I just regret not taking a possible chance but of course i know nothing about her or what she is like.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, George81 said:

Yes and left out the bit where she came up to the guy and said hi first :-)! 

No. I didn't mention it because it's not the clear sign of interest you think it is. You're reading way too much into that. It's already been addressed by myself and others, so I didn't think it necessary to mention again that you are making too big a deal out of that. 

7 minutes ago, George81 said:

  It wasnt about whether she liked me or not, it was about how to deal with regret and a possible lost opportunity, and why i didnt take it.

Do you not see how these two things are related? 

If you weren't so convinced she was interested, you wouldn't be feeling the deep regret you are now. We are trying to bring you back down to earth a littl to help you see that there was no solid sign of interest on her part, anyway. Your regret is misguided, in other words.  You don't know any better than any of us if she was interested. You can't "just tell" - that is merely your desire and projection speaking. 

This is why I also urged you to think about why you are hurting so much. What is this about, really? Have you not had much luck with love lately? That's a sincere question. 

[Els]

48 minutes ago, George81 said:

Yes and left out the bit where she came up to the guy and said hi first :-)!  This thread seems to have gone down a different route.  It wasnt about whether she liked me or not, it was about how to deal with regret and a possible lost opportunity, and why i didnt take it.

Okay, look. If one of your buddies talked to you about this massive "missed opportunity" that he didn't take, and then it turns out that apparently it's because he didn't respond to an email by a Nigerian prince promising him a few million dollars... what would you say?

Would you talk to him about how to deal with the regret of missing that opportunity... or would you tell him that it wasn't really an "opportunity"?

The fact that this is all in your head is very, very relevant to your question of how to "deal with regret".

Also, again, I dunno where you live (and at this point I'm inclined to think Saudi Arabia or something?!?) but women say hi to men all the time in Western cultures. All. The. Time.

Kindly, I think the most important thing you can do here is to do some introspection and figure out why you are making so much out of a  "hi" with a woman whom you know absolutely nothing about, including her marital status.

[FredEire]

59 minutes ago, George81 said:

Yes 

Yes and left out the bit where she came up to the guy and said hi first :-)!  This thread seems to have gone down a different route.  It wasnt about whether she liked me or not, it was about how to deal with regret and a possible lost opportunity, and why i didnt take it.

@fredeire unfortunately ive put a woman on a pedestal in my life before and learnt from that - wont be doing that again.  I just regret not taking a possible chance but of course i know nothing about her or what she is like.

Ok, but you're already putting her on a pedestal by viewing it as a missed opportunity.

Think of it this way: if you viewed it as that there's an equal chance she was the most wonderful woman in the world, or a massive manipulator/princess/pain in the ass etc, would it really be something worth thinking about?

Your romantic fantasy makes it more likely in your head that she was a wonderful, amazing woman, but you likely only think that because she was pretty and gave you a (very small) amount of attention.

I partly blame Hollywood and popular fiction for putting scenes like yours in movies, you say hello in a parking lot and suddenly you're skipping through fields with your dream girl totally in love.

It could be like that, and if so wonderful. But the point is from what you know which is pretty much nothing, there's an equal chance you dodged a bullet as missed out on your dream woman, so it's not worth feeling bad about.

I think you probably should have gone and said hello and seen what happened, but it's not as big a deal as you make it out to be. If you're dating a really nice girl and decide one night to get totally drunk and get sick on her or something, then maybe you messed up and merit feeling bad about it. But not in this scenario where you missed out on something that only exists in your head.

[basil67]

13 hours ago, George81 said:

That's the problem though....what if I did? Nothing I can do now other than learn from this, but it's sure hurting today.

I could understand your mindset if you missed out on a sure thing, but this was nothing more than a fleeting connection.  It may not have happened to you before, but this is likely because you don't interact with others easily.  There would be plenty of other fleeting connections if you kept your head up and smiled if you see someone look your way.  

In the meantime, get out to social situations more often with friends.  

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, George81 said:

This thread seems to have gone down a different route.  It wasnt about whether she liked me or not, it was about how to deal with regret and a possible lost opportunity, and why i didnt take it.

But the whole point is that there is a 99% chance that it was not a missed opportunity.

If you suddenly had a feeling that if you buy this particular lottery ticket, you’d win the lottery, and then still decided not to buy that ticket, would you qualify it is a missed opportunity?

If you see things that way, then everything is a missed opportunity. Who knows what could have happened if we did this or that or whatever. The bottom line here is that nothing special happened, you haven’t lost anything, you haven’t missed anything.

Your insistence that the woman gave you clear signs of romantic interest, despite the fact that literally everyone in this thread told you it wasn’t the case, is an unhealthy state of mind for you. You really shouldn’t be projecting your own experiences or behavior traits on other people.

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, Els said:

but women say hi to men all the time in Western cultures. All. The. Time.

Yeas, it's true. Last week I said hello to a guy, who I saw at the Mall. We were going into the opposite direction and looked at each other for a second or two. I said "Hi" and he replied "Hi" back. And that was it. I hope he doesn't think that there was some grand missed connection because there was none. I just saw him looking at me and smiled and said "Hi." That's all.

I think that you are lonely and are looking for some signs or projecting some feelings.

14 hours ago, George81 said:

  Ive got a busy life but im ready to date again.

Good for you! Perhaps ask your family or friends to set you up with someone. Or create a good dating profile on a reputable dating site and start going out. 

[basil67]

12 hours ago, George81 said:

This thread seems to have gone down a different route.  It wasnt about whether she liked me or not, it was about how to deal with regret and a possible lost opportunity, and why i didnt take it.

The thread is taking the route it's meant to take

A large part of dealing with regret and thoughts of a possible lost opportunity is to consider the odds of it being successful if you had approached her.   From what you're writing, there were no green lights that you missed and so nothing to regret.   And there's still the ick factor of hitting on someone who's out shopping with their child.  

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

The thread is taking the route it's meant to take

A large part of dealing with regret and thoughts of a possible lost opportunity is to consider the odds of it being successful if you had approached her.   From what you're writing, there were no green lights that you missed and so nothing to regret.   And there's still the ick factor of hitting on someone who's out shopping with their child.  

I don't agree that he shouldn't have gone up and said something. There's a difference between marching up and saying "Hey baby girl want to come over to mine watch Netflix and Chill?" and just starting a conversation and gauging her interest. Men could use an "ick factor" as a good reason never to try and talk to any woman, in fact it's increasingly common these days.

The broader point though OP is that there's nothing really to regret because you know nothing about her. If you want to know how to deal with regret, you probably need to reframe in your head how much you know about the situation really.

She could have ended up being a wonderful person and the woman you married, she could have landed you in a toxic marriage which ruined your life. More likely, she could have been someone you dated for a couple of months, or she could have politely rejected you.

If you can see all these as equally possible that's how you get over your feeling of regret. It makes just as much sense to say "Phew! Really glad I dodged that bullet, I know she would have been a nightmare".

[basil67]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

I don't agree that he shouldn't have gone up and said something. There's a difference between marching up and saying "Hey baby girl want to come over to mine watch Netflix and Chill?" and just starting a conversation and gauging her interest. Men could use an "ick factor" as a good reason never to try and talk to any woman, in fact it's increasingly common these days.

When I wrote this, I was clear that the icks was with respect to a man asking a woman out when she's having a shopping day with their child.   OP hasn't said how old the daughter was, but it doesn't take much effort to mortify a girl between the ages of 8 and 18.   Does a guy really want to be trying to ask out a woman he's never been in a conversation with when her teenage daughter is dying beside her?  What if daughter is standing there red faced and bug eyed?    And what about the father/husband?  What on earth would a younger daughter make of her mother being asked out to dinner when dad's at home waiting?  

That said, with respect to men not trying to approach women, there are a bunch of pretty women who's days out shopping are less pleasant by men who make cold approaches.  Thing is, guys don't approach all women equally - instead the hone in on the beautiful ones.  My daughter's friend is one of these beautiful women and she really dislikes being regularly approached by men ranging from 20 to 60.  It can happen multiple times in one shopping trip.  The frequency with which is happens makes her feel harassed and she can't let her guard down.  If men stop bothering pretty women in non social situations, this would make those women feel far more comfortable.  If these women feel harassed or are just sick of it and react badly to the men who ask them out, so be it.

Edited April 7 by basil67

[Els]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

I don't agree that he shouldn't have gone up and said something. There's a difference between marching up and saying "Hey baby girl want to come over to mine watch Netflix and Chill?" and just starting a conversation and gauging her interest. Men could use an "ick factor" as a good reason never to try and talk to any woman, in fact it's increasingly common these days.

I think there are definitely some situations where the "ick factor" is serious enough to be a reasonable deterrent! And IMO hitting on a woman who's out with her daughter is only slightly less icky than hitting on a woman who's out with her boyfriend.

[George81]

Thanks everyone and @Fredaire for some good advice.  Her daughter was just young about 5.  I saw her in the car park when her daughter was already in the car, and thats when im now regretting not saying hi.

@els but what if say she is a single parent with limited or no opportunities to socialise.  I have been a single parent for years its lonely and hard going.  If I was out with my young daughter and someone said hi in a nice conscientious way, and maybe suggested a drink I wouldnt feel an ick for that person, but would be pleased to have been even considered to be asked to go out, even if i declined.

I can see how me seeing this as a missed opportunity is causing me the regret but its difficult for me to not see it this way as I cant explain it, like I knew this person my whole life, like we had bumped into one another again. Ive taken the advice and kept my head up and smiled at people as I wondered through town today.  Low and behold they are smiling back at me and im happy to be on my way.  But its not like what happened on Saturday.  Has no one ever had this?  Possibly only once before for me but not as strong as this.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, George81 said:

Thanks everyone and @Fredaire for some good advice.  Her daughter was just young about 5.  I saw her in the car park when her daughter was already in the car, and thats when im now regretting not saying hi.

@els but what if say she is a single parent with limited or no opportunities to socialise.  I have been a single parent for years its lonely and hard going.  If I was out with my young daughter and someone said hi in a nice conscientious way, and maybe suggested a drink I wouldnt feel an ick for that person, but would be pleased to have been even considered to be asked to go out, even if i declined.

I can see how me seeing this as a missed opportunity is causing me the regret but its difficult for me to not see it this way as I cant explain it, like I knew this person my whole life, like we had bumped into one another again. Ive taken the advice and kept my head up and smiled at people as I wondered through town today.  Low and behold they are smiling back at me and im happy to be on my way.  But its not like what happened on Saturday.  Has no one ever had this?  Possibly only once before for me but not as strong as this.

If her daughter was just a little girl, the odds of her being married is still fairly high.  When my kids were that age, the majority of school mums were not single

And no, you may not feel ick because you're a man and as such, men generally get creeped on a lot less than women.   Women get very tired of it, and possibly have other ideas of decorum than you.

I'm glad to see that you're now experiencing the positive effects of keeping your head up and smiling.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, George81 said:

like I knew this person my whole life, like we had bumped into one another again.

Right, but the reality is that she was a stranger you had never met. You also have no idea if she had the same feeling. 

Try not to dwell on something that was a purely hypothetical. 

9 hours ago, George81 said:

Ive taken the advice and kept my head up and smiled at people as I wondered through town today.  Low and behold they are smiling back at me and im happy to be on my way.

Keep up with this. You never know what connection you might make doing so