Missed opportunity. regret

[George81]

Hi there 

Posting to help me process this and words of advice.  Ive been working on myself a lot, dressing better and feeling more attractive lately.  I was in a department store this morning looking at some clothes and happen to look over and I saw this woman and felt an instant connection and chemistry with her, something i dont think ive ever felt before.  She was dressed immaculately, as was the daughter she was with.  Our eyes meet and she said hello and I gave her a smile back and they wandered off.  It was like i knew this person already, she looked so familiar.   Im then queueing up to pay for a top and they are one person behind me.  I smile at her again and she smiles back, I keep eye contact and she looks away, I could tell her she was clearly interested.  I pay at the till wondering how I can give her my number, but I do nothing and ahead back to my car to put my top in.  As Im walking back through the car park to go into town, she was loading her stuff into her car boot, her daughter was in the car.  Perfect opportunity to say hi, she was facing away from me though and I just walked past her.

I mean I cant explain how I feel but there was just this feeling of a really strong attraction and chemistry with her.  I pass by hundreds of women every week and never get this.  I wondered into town and was so disappointed and angry with myself for letting this opportunity go by, im not usually hard on myself but i feel like i missed something that could have . The chances of me bumping into her again are so low.  Now at home really regretting I never said hi and possibly getting a chance to know her better. Why didnt i do it and pluck up the courage to say hi? Feeling very mopey that im unlucky to bump into her again. Thanks

[Gebidozo]

You should understand that such instant connections mean very little in the long term. It’s good to have such a strong spark right in the beginning, but more often than not it gets extinguished very soon. You haven’t really lost anything. There will be many more opportunities and much deeper and stronger connections.

[George81]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You should understand that such instant connections mean very little in the long term. It’s good to have such a strong spark right in the beginning, but more often than not it gets extinguished very soon. You haven’t really lost anything. There will be many more opportunities and much deeper and stronger connections.

Thanks for your advice  - i just feel that an opportunity has been missed to possibly gain something, like i said this hasnt really happened to me before.  Its the frustration of not at least trying that im upset about with myself.

[Gebidozo]

Just now, George81 said:

Thanks for your advice  - i just feel that an opportunity has been missed to possibly gain something, like i said this hasnt really happened to me before.  It’s the frustration of not at least trying that im upset about with myself.

You not trying means that the connection wasn’t that strong. Because if it were, you would have tried. 

[George81]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You should understand that such instant connections mean very little in the long term. It’s good to have such a strong spark right in the beginning, but more often than not it gets extinguished very soon. You haven’t really lost anything. There will be many more opportunities and much deeper and stronger connections.

Thanks for your advice  - i just feel that an opportunity has been missed to possibly gain something, like i said this hasnt really happened to me before.  Its the frustration of not at least trying that im upset about with myself.

[George81]

I feel it was, im just not used to going up to strangers and saying hi.  How would you have approached it?

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, George81 said:

I feel it was, im just not used to going up to strangers and saying hi.  How would you have approached it?

I wouldn’t.

I never went up and said hi to any woman in a department store, on the street, in the subway, etc. I did go up to women in bars, but with more casual intentions in mind, not because I felt a strong connection.

[George81]

Its the regret of not doing it that feels worse now than at least trying. 

[Gina2005]

I'm sorry.

There are people who have posted about similar encounters online hoping the person they just met will see their post and reach out.

It may be worth a shot.

Good luck.

[George81]

Thanks Gina!

Edited April 5 by George81

[basil67]

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much.  Thing is, attractive women (even friendly ones who will share a smile) are adept at shutting down random guys who ask them out in shopping centres.  This is a result of it being an unfortunately common experience for them and it gets very tiresome.   

Also, hitting on a woman who's shopping with her daughter is not a good look.  

If you're going to approach random women, @Gebidozo is right - limit yourself to social situations.  If you're out with the boys at a bar, and are standing next to a friendly woman while buying drinks, by all means initiate conversation and see where it goes.

[George81]

Thanks Basil67...the thing is she initiated contact first and said hello, there was instant chemistry and she felt so familiar cant explain it.  Ive been a single parent for years and the opportunity to meet a new woman has been few and far between so im probably over thinking things, just feels such a shame.  Yes you are right about the shopping with daughter, which I think in part was a reason for not approaching her too.  im a pretty conscientious guy.

[Els]

You did the right thing. It would have been pretty weird (and creepy) to hit on someone with their young child present. Like, how do you even know she's single?? She might be bringing her daughter shopping before they go home to have dinner with Dad....

If you want to meet women with the intention of asking them out, you should focus on meeting them in situations where there's at least a decent chance that they're actually single. Like a singles meetup or a bar.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, George81 said:

the thing is she initiated contact first and said hello

Did she say anything after the hello....or linger for conversation?   Or was it a default comment after a quick connection and she went on her way?

[George81]

Thanks Els, thats made me feel better that i didnt do anything.  im just not used to the attention or what to do.  I dont know thats she is single, but why did she approach me and say hello with her daughter there then? 

A couple of weeks ago two woman were pretty much flirting with me during lunch in a work meeting and touching me, which didnt feel appropriate.  Im not sure whats going on or happening with me but im not doing anything to get this attention.  im coming out of a long period of raising my daughter and working and feeling more positive about the future.  im going to the gym and dressing better which is improving my confidence so hopefully ill keep going and meet the right person.  There was just something about her as soon as I saw her, and as i said before i pass hundreds of woman a week and never bat an eye lid!

[George81]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did she say anything after the hello....or linger for conversation?   Or was it a default comment after a quick connection and she went on her way?

No she just said hello and went on her way with her daughter around the shop but I really felt a connection.  It was a large shop and then I was in the queue and somehow she was then one behind me and we just looked at each other and smiled at one another again.  I held my gaze with her and she looked back at me and quickly looked away again.  I cant describe it, was literally like meeting someone that I knew and wanted to be with.  I dont normally post on here (just read) but this was something Ive never experienced in my life before, and im 50!

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, George81 said:

No she just said hello and went on her way with her daughter around the shop but I really felt a connection.  It was a large shop and then I was in the queue and somehow she was then one behind me and we just looked at each other and smiled at one another again.  I held my gaze with her and she looked back at me and quickly looked away again.  I cant describe it, was literally like meeting someone that I knew and wanted to be with.  I dont normally post on here (just read) but this was something Ive never experienced in my life before, and im 50!

Her looking away after the extended eye contact means that it got uncomfortable or she's not interested.  is there a reason why you held her gaze too long rather than initiating a conversation?

[George81]

No it wasnt like that, i cant remember exactly what happened but she looked at me, looked back at me and then looked away.  Unfortunately there was a couple between me and her and she had her daughter there.  If I was just in front of her I would have spoken to her and said hi.  It was the fact she had earlier said hello and what happened in the queue that made me feel she was interested.

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, George81 said:

No it wasnt like that, i cant remember exactly what happened but she looked at me, looked back at me and then looked away.  Unfortunately there was a couple between me and her and she had her daughter there.  If I was just in front of her I would have spoken to her and said hi.  It was the fact she had earlier said hello and what happened in the queue that made me feel she was interested.

Even if she did have a spark of attraction, it doesn't mean that she was interested or wanted it acted on.  She may well be married!

Have you given any consideration to the awkwardness of all concerned when hitting on a woman who is with her daughter?

 

[George81]

She may well be married or she may not be, but if i was married i wouldnt be saying hello and smiling to a stranger of the opposite sex.  I certainly would not have even think about hitting on her if she hadnt said hello first and was giving me signs she was interested.  Yes, i gave consideration, which is why i didnt do anything and mentioned this in reply to someone else.  My post was more about the feelings of regret I had and not taking an opportunity and how to manage this.

[Gebidozo]

11 minutes ago, George81 said:

She may well be married or she may not be, but if i was married i wouldnt be saying hello and smiling to a stranger of the opposite sex. 

You wouldn’t, but perhaps she would. There is nothing wrong with smiling and saying hello to strangers. It is not necessarily a sign that someone is interested in you romantically. I get a lot of such “hellos” and smiles and nods and whatnot, sometimes brief conversations, and yes, sometimes with pretty women. That doesn’t mean anything. People are just friendly and sometimes flirty.

 

13 minutes ago, George81 said:

I certainly would not have even think about hitting on her if she hadnt said hello first and was giving me signs she was interested.

But she didn’t give you signs that she was interested. You just assumed that. For all we know, if you hit on her afterwards she’d feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. I know I would if some random woman thought I was giving her signs only because I smile at her and say “hi”.

Sometimes you just have instant sympathy with a stranger of any gender and age, and you smile at each other and say “hi”. I said “hi” to several old grandpas a few times, that really didn’t mean I was interested in them romantically. Don’t overthink this.

[George81]

You have a fair point, but you were not there and there was an instant feeling of familiarity and chemistry with her.  Maybe she didnt feel the same and maybe im overthinking this.  However, I can count on one hand the number of times an attractive woman has come up to me and said hi, so im not sure your grandpa analogy works :-).

[ShyViolet]

All you know about this woman is that you were attracted to her.  You can't say that you had "chemistry".  The woman said literally one word to you.  You don't know anything about her.  You're making a bit more of this in your head than it really was.

[SurfCity]

I don't understand what her daughter being there, if that even was her daughter, has to do with anything. You weren't planning to use some cheesy line about her body were you? You weren't going to scream insults at her if she didn't give you her number were you? So having a conversation where you get the sense of if she's interested in talking to you or not and if she's single or not would've been fine to do.

Nothing wrong with believing that she felt the spark that you felt, but it sounds like you're kind of a quiet guy. Outgoing, talkative people talk to everyone, so her saying hello may have just been her personality or it may have been that she felt attracted to you. No one here knows because you didn't act on the attraction that you felt. If you were in the habit of making conversation and small talk whenever you're in public, it would've come more naturally to you to start a conversation with her. Saying something like, "they've got a great sale going on" or "glad the line's not too long" would've been a way to start a conversation and through that conversation find out if she's interested and if she's single. Instead of beating yourself up because you regret not speaking to her, make a habit of being sociable when you're out in public so that the next time you feel a spark with someone your muscle memory of being talkative will help you start a conversation. 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, George81 said:

However, I can count on one hand the number of times an attractive woman has come up to me and said hi

You shouldn’t be counting those times at all, because they mean nothing. It definitely happened to me many more times than I have fingers. Yes, sometimes a conversation developed from that, and sometimes something sexual and romantic developed from that conversation. But the mere fact of a pretty woman saying “hi” to you or to me, in itself, doesn’t mean at all that the woman is interested romantically or feels some kind of an irresistible chemistry.