Mixed signals from a married older man

[Yuna97]

Hey everyone, I’m in a really complicated situation and could really use some advice or opinions. I’ve been dealing with mixed signals from an older man (me 25, him 49), who was a professor of mine and i recently found out is married and I’m confused about what to make of it all.

At first, I didn’t realize he was married, couldn't find out anything on it (believe me, i tried) and I couldn't help but to start to develop feelings for him. While he never really pursued me in any romantic way and our relationship was mostly professional, he was kind, caring and even affectionate and always made sure I was doing okay, both in my career but also personally, i noticed he often blushed around me or acted in ways which made it seem like he might've had a crush on me.

Whenever I voiced any concerns or doubts about our interactions, beyond the professional scope, he would reassure me that everything was fine, and that I didn’t need to worry. I eventually asked him if he was married, but he avoided answering that question and i didn't bring it up anymore since it wasn't clear what our relationship was exactly yet and i didn't want to make it more awkward or cross boundaries.

The next time we saw each other though, he suddendly was being very obviously romantic, being extra affectionate and acting in a way that felt more than just friendly, he never crossed any lines and never was touchy with me but that day he suddendly was, although the whole time he seemed to be holding back when i reciprocated. Then, after that day, we couldn’t see each other for a while, he suddendly felt more distant and when I came back and told him i had feelings he rejected me, saying I was too young for him and had my whole life ahead of me still and he couldn't give me what he felt is best for me.

But this is where things get even more confusing, he rejected me but still said deep sweet and caring things about me, and kept giving me long and tight hugs to reassure me despite me not asking for them or initiating them. It was so mixed, because after everything, he was still treating me with even more care and affection, even though he was rejecting the possibility of anything more.

So the next time we saw each other i told him that i understood his concerns but that i really didn't care about age and i asked him again if he was married and told him that if he was he could've told me earlier, only then he finally told me, i feel he could've mentioned it at least the day he rejected me. When he told me, he also rushed it, almost laughing it off and saying something along the lines of “Of course I’m married, i'm older.” I was hurt that he hadn’t mentioned his marriage at all before, since if he did maybe i could've stopped myself before it got this far. But it felt like he wasn't taking that detail seriously, like he thought there ever was no need to talk about that. He also told me that he doesn’t think about his affection in terms of labels and this left me feeling even more uncertain.

Did his actions not mean what I thought they did and it was all in my head or what? On one hand, I feel like he was just being affectionate in a friendly way, and I misread the situation, but that day keeps bugging me. And on the other hand, it feels like he cares about me in a deeper way, but I’m just too young for him, or maybe it’s just too complicated because of his marriage, or both. It's hard to think it was just attraction or he was enjoying my attention since he's always been this thoughtful.

After all of this he still insists on wanting to be there for me if need be and that he cares about me and we can still be friends if i want that. What I don’t understand is why he kept being affectionate and reassuring me if he didn’t want anything more. It’s left me feeling really conflicted. Should I move on completely, or is there still a chance for something meaningful, even if in a non-romantic way and considering he's married? I’m just really unsure about what to do next.

 

TL;DR: I'm in a complicated situation with a former professor who showed me kindness, care, and affection, and also blushed around me and such, he was even touchy and flirty at some point while still holding back when i reciprocated, leading to mixed signals and confusion. When i told him i had feelings he rejected me due to our age difference, but continued to be affectionate. I discovered he was married after this, when he finally told me after i asked him again, since the first time i did (before he rejected me) he avoided answering the question altogether, when he told me he also brushed it off as it should've been obvious and there was no need for him to ever bring it up. He still insists on caring and wanting to be there for me as friends if that's what i need. I'm torn between moving on and exploring a non-romantic connection and what this all means.

Edited April 6 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SunshineRainSun24]

Sounds like he wants you to aggressively pursue him, so it lessens his guilt. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/5/2025 at 1:37 PM, Yuna97 said:

What I don’t understand is why he kept being affectionate and reassuring me if he didn’t want anything more.

Possibly so you didn't get angry with him and report him to the faculty head or find a way to tell his wife. 

Stay away from this man. Creep vibes all over him. 

[BaileyB]

On 4/5/2025 at 6:37 AM, Yuna97 said:

Hey everyone, I’m in a really complicated situation and could really use some advice or opinions.

It’s not complicated at all - if he is married, he is not available to have a relationship with you. 
 

On 4/5/2025 at 6:37 AM, Yuna97 said:

Should I move on completely, or is there still a chance for something more?

Without a doubt, you should move on.  

Married women don’t generally approve if their husband develops a “friendship” with another woman. To be fair, you don’t have a friendship with this man - you are clearly flirting with danger here. Add to that, his employer will definitely not approve of this relationship - be it friendship or “more.” 

I agree - this guy has “creep” written all over him. It’s very possible that you are not the first student he has flirted with… Age is the least of the concerns here… The best decision is to put some distance between you - I would go no contact. 

Edited April 14 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

On 4/14/2025 at 1:30 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Possibly so you didn't get angry with him and report him to the faculty head or find a way to tell his wife. 

Stay away from this man. Creep vibes all over him. 

This is what I'm thinking.  He's trying to be nice so you don't get him in trouble with your crush.  Professors are used to younger women crushing on them.  Also he like the attention but doesn't want more.