BeautyRealm Posted April 4 Share Posted April 4 (edited) I’ve been off and on with MM for 3 years after he first approached me while we worked at the same job. At the time I was not looking for anyone and was focusing on grad school applications. MM approached me first and was interested. At the time, didn’t know his story. We started off as great friends for 6-7 months, then it advanced to something deeper. He told me he was going through issues in his marriage, both of them cheated on each other, and live in a small town. I admit I am naive, and did searching on my own regarding him and his story of both them cheating on each other added up. They have no kids together. Anyway, the first time he had ghosted me I found out his parent died and he reached out a month later on my birthday week. We reconnected. Fast forward to this year. I’m in grad school and he remains at the same job. he travels for work so he has a different own-place while he is in the city. Things were going great up until Feb where he took a sudden 380. He wanted me to come over one day after work, so I did. We hadn’t seen each other in months bc of teh differences in our schedule. I had asked him that I still wanted something real and official with him, and my feelings were valid regarding him. We had just became intimate for the first time after these 3 years. The same day, MM told me we needed time apart for him to figure things out regarding his life. I had asked him to explain to me what that meant and he said that he couldn’t have anything with me now given his situation and still being married. I asked him why did it take 3 years and now to figure that out and MM told me he was tired of being unhappy and that he doesn’t love his wife anymore. I had asked him If he loved me and MM only responded with I care about u very much” We had discussions before regarding going official and MM always mentioned that “sometime down the road” “idk what’s gonna happen with me and her” Truly, during all this, I felt like my heart was stomped on. yes I get the he’s a MM, I’m naive/shouldn’t believed him bs, but he gave me HOPE. That drove me insane. A month prior to that he was affectionate, talkative daily, curious about my days/school, etc. I don’t know what had happened. I kept telling myself Was I maybe too much, asking for too much?! Anyway, during the conversation at this time I was balling my eyes out to him, cussing him out and telling him that MM really never gave a F about me”. he would always respond with one liners, very dry, such as “not true” “stop”. I left his place crying and driving back home. He msgs me at midnight, bc he was at work, telling me “I know how u felt. And I care about you. But we are at different places. And I told u I have get my stuff figured out” . I never reached out to MM and left it on read. And here I am a week later… I’m unsure if there are things going on his life, due to him just leaving again similar to in the past. It’s not like he would tell me anyway, until he decided to. I’m desperate for advice. I felt like these 3 years were something meaningful to me which I shared with him and he just left. No D-Day. Considering all the events I have in my life soon which he had known about, will he ever come back? I thought I was something serious to him and he gave me HOPE. ALOT of it. But I still don’t know how to read him sometimes. It’s so weird not talking to him everyday and it feels like I’m grieving. I truly would want something if he does divorce, but IDK I would need time to figure it out.. Edited April 4 by BeautyRealm Add one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineRainSun24 Posted April 4 Share Posted April 4 Hi BR! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there, and still going through it, but I'm out of the hard part. I think. What I've learned is that there is a difference between someone liking/loving you and someone who likes/loves how you make them feel. These relationships are all consuming, and they feel like everything is everything, but it really isn't. Give yourself the gift of time and do your best to move on because this will keep hurting (and MUCH more) if you continue expecting anything. I know it's tough to believe, but he's content where he's at and the sooner you accept it, the better for your heart. Fight for your peace. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 17 hours ago, BeautyRealm said: truly would want something if he does divorce, but IDK I would need time to figure it out.. I know you are in an emotional hurricane right now, but think about this: you want a man who is a proven liar and cheater. You want a man who is self-serving and not that bothered about your feelings, and certainly not those of the woman he is married to. What makes you believe a real relationship with him would go well? He's an awful partner. Look how hurt you are now - then multiply that several times. That's how you would feel if you two became an actual couple and he continued cheating with other women. Because really? He very likely would not be faithful to you. 17 hours ago, BeautyRealm said: I thought I was something serious to him and he gave me HOPE. ALOT of i What hope did he give you, exactly? Did he tell you he was going to leave his wife for you? If so, when? You have also learned an important lesson here. If a married person is making future "plans" with their affair partner but they're still married, well, those "plans" are not real. They're just fantasy-talk. 17 hours ago, BeautyRealm said: Considering all the events I have in my life soon which he had known about, will he ever come back? Come back to what, though? You were not a couple and he couldn't offer you anything more than some side entertainment when it suited him. Ask yourself what you want back, exactly. False hope? A non-boyfriend? I think once your initial hurt has died down a bit, you will see this more clearly. And you will start to take more responsibility for your own happiness, which means staying the heck away from married men and not allowing yourself to become emotionally attached to the fantasy. It doesn't matter what hope they give you. If they're not actually taking measurable, concrete steps towards divorcing and being with you, the hope is just empty musing. Take care of yourself, girl. A married man ain't going to do so for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 (edited) Investing your time, hopes, emotional energy, etc… with a married man is like trying to build a house of cards on the shifting sand at the beach. That is as unsteady and unstable a ground as you can find… I understand that you are confused right now and you feel bereft… You just want to return to rebuild the house of cards with this man with the hope that this time - it will be more secure. Don't do that. If you want to build a relationship and have a beautiful future with a man, you need to find a man who is committed to building a solid foundation together. That’s never going to happen if you are trying to build a relationship/life with another woman’s husband. Edited April 5 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 (edited) 7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: He's an awful partner. Look how hurt you are now. Look how he has hurt his wife!! He very likely would not be faithful to you. It is that very famous quote from Maya Angelou - when people show you who they really are, believe them. I realize OP that you likely believe that he is cheating because he is in an unhappy marriage. His wife cheated, somehow that makes it more palatable that he is seeking attention outside the marriage. It lends to the belief that he is serious and looking for something more, because who would choose to stay in that situation? Right?? Wrong. The marriage is toxic because of the decisions he has also made - if she cheated on him, he has always had the option to make the responsible and dignified decision to end the marriage. He chose not to do that - he chose to stay in that toxic marriage and engage in multiple extramarital affairs. Ignore that fact at your own peril. Hindsight is 20/20, but when a married man in a toxic relationship with a history of infidelity wants to become your “friend” - next time, cross the street when you see him coming lest you get hit and hurt by the HUGE red flag that he’s waving… Edited April 5 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.