lovers Posted April 4 Share Posted April 4 My gf is 35 now I am 33 years old. We both have decent careers but like in a VHCOL. My gf naturally wants the typical american dream. Have a house which is like 800k-1 mill around here, have kids, get married, have a wedding. I am hesitant. However for me I am scared of getting married. Scared of getting divorced and ending up like alot of people I know who are single, disgruntled, lost half their assets, and having to pay monthly child support. She wants to get legally married. I am like why? we can do a small celebration and spend more of the money on honeymoon and travel. I see alot of horror stories at work and my personal life. Another thing is getting married and having a wedding I don't really care for. I am okay with house and having kids as that is what really matters. However I am entitled to a house that my parents given me and they live with me. My nightmare scenario is if I lose the house from divorce and me and my parents are homeless. The path that I see with my gf is life of rat race and debt trap. Working until I am old age to pay off expensive mortgage. She likes to live life a bit more than me. I like to live too but within reason. My goal is to work, be well off, and work alot less when I get older. I am more humble and conservative. Have more freedom, travel, do whatever I want. Her goals I see would tie me down. I don't care for a big house. be okay with a small and cheap house near the city. I am okay with having kids. I watch how old people move and its having more disposable income is what matters. See old people sell their house and retain more money. I am hitting cross roads in my life. I know my gf biological clock ticking. Not sure what to go from here Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 4 Share Posted April 4 The two of you have vastly incompatible goals, so I don't think there's anywhere to go with this. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 4 Share Posted April 4 In situations where one of the partners wants something and the other doesn’t, there are only two choices: either the partner who wants something voluntarily gives it up, or the partners break up due to difference in values, lifestyles, and expectations. Your GF has to ask herself the question whether she wants you more or wants marriage more. You say you’re okay with having kids. Have you communicated that clearly to her? Biological clock is only an issue if she wants to have children, marriage has nothing to do with it. But you have to understand that she can’t be waiting forever to have kids. Have you both set up a deadline for having kids? Say, within the next 3 years or something like that. If you aren’t communicating those issues with each other clearly, she might not want to stick around and find out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 4 Share Posted April 4 You're the same guy who got all pissed off that your girlfriend was pregnant. Why are you still in this relationship? I can't fathom why she is, given your crappy reaction to her pregnancy news. You're both behaving in dysfunctional ways and hoping for a miracle that this will somehow work. Why the nonsense? Just break up already. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 (edited) As I said in your old thread, you clearly don't want a family and kids. And that's completely fine, as long as you stop stringing your partner along and seek someone who desires the same things as you do. You have gone from "I want kids but 1-2 years later because I want to travel first" to "I don't want to get married and I'm okay with having kids but I don't like the look of the future with my gf" because YOU VERY CLEARLY DON'T WANT KIDS. People who do want kids don't consider breaking things off with a partner who got pregnant 1 year ahead of schedule in their mid 30s. You may like the idea of what kids represent but you very clearly have no desire to deal with the practicalities of having them - which, yes, does include traveling less, saving less, not being able to retire early, and potentially having to pay child support if you separate from the other parent. Being unmarried doesn't change any of that. Why don't you just be honest with yourself and with your gf? There are lots and lots of women out there who are happy to not have kids, not get married, have a casual relationship, travel a lot, and retire early. Similarly there are lots of men out there who want what your gf wants. Edited April 5 by Els 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 On 4/4/2025 at 11:09 AM, lovers said: However I am entitled to a house that my parents given me and they live with me. My nightmare scenario is if I lose the house from divorce and me and my parents are homeless. Um, wait, this makes no sense. People typically only inherit houses from their parents when their parents pass away. Because of this, parents can't usually lose their home when their kid gets divorced. But you're saying that your parents legally transferred their house to your name and you're all living together in that house?? How does that work and why on earth would they do that? Also, your parents living with you, are you intending for that to be a permanent thing? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 6 Share Posted April 6 Do you see yourself growing old with her? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted April 17 Share Posted April 17 On 4/3/2025 at 9:09 PM, lovers said: However for me I am scared of getting married. Scared of getting divorced and ending up like alot of people I know who are single, disgruntled, lost half their assets, and having to pay monthly child support. She wants to get legally married. I am like why? we can do a small celebration and spend more of the money on honeymoon and travel. I see alot of horror stories at work and my personal life. Another thing is getting married and having a wedding I don't really care for. I am okay with house and having kids as that is what really matters. However I am entitled to a house that my parents given me and they live with me. My nightmare scenario is if I lose the house from divorce and me and my parents are homeless. The path that I see with my gf is life of rat race and debt trap. Working until I am old age to pay off expensive mortgage. She likes to live life a bit more than me. I like to live too but within reason. My goal is to work, be well off, and work alot less when I get older. I am more humble and conservative. Have more freedom, travel, do whatever I want. Her goals I see would tie me down. I don't care for a big house. be okay with a small and cheap house near the city. I am okay with having kids. I watch how old people move and its having more disposable income is what matters. See old people sell their house and retain more money. I am hitting cross roads in my life. I know my gf biological clock ticking. Not sure what to go from here I'm divorced and this happened to me so I do understand your concerns-we had to sell our house when my ex husband wanted a divorce. We both moved to apartments. My kids were 3 and 5 at the time and it was heartbreaking, I will admit. However that was 8 years ago. My kids are now 11 and 13 and I bought a BEAUTIFUL house of my own 5 years ago after living in an apartment for 3 years. I am not disgruntled or bitter and in fact I have an amazing life. I met a wonderful man who I have been with 7.5 years. If you don't want to have kids or buy a big house then you need to tell your gf this flat out. Perhaps a compromise can be made. When I first met my boyfriend I was like your gf wanting to get remarried and he was like you, not sure scared of getting divorced again (most men are). I'm not scared of divorce again but I have since changed my mind and no longer have a desire to get remarried. Mainly because I am so happy with my life as a single mom and being independent yet still having a relationship. Marriage is only a dealbreaker if a couple lets it be one. My relationship is living proof of that. You can reach a compromise-either stay unmarried or you get married possibly with some safeguards for your parents and yourself. If no compromise is to be had then perhaps it's not meant to be. The right relationship exists where there is ALWAYS a compromise. Something important to keep in mind-that you would rather compromise or work out whatever the issue is rather then be without the person in your life. The question is do you feel that way about your gf? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
enterthevoid Posted April 17 Share Posted April 17 (edited) Quote As I said in your old thread, you clearly don't want a family and kids. OP said he's open to having kids. But most of his objections are financial. i.e. large mortgage debt, big wedding, etc. And his fear of divorce is mostly due to financial reasons. Quote My gf naturally wants the typical american dream. Have a house which is like 800k-1 mill around here, have kids, get married, have a wedding. Have you had this conversation before about what your 5-10 year plan is? It seems late to have a conversation about these things 3 years in. Edited April 17 by enterthevoid Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 8 hours ago, enterthevoid said: OP said he's open to having kids. But most of his objections are financial. i.e. large mortgage debt, big wedding, etc. And his fear of divorce is mostly due to financial reasons. Have you had this conversation before about what your 5-10 year plan is? It seems late to have a conversation about these things 3 years in. I'd suggest having a look at OP's posting history. There is signifcant backstory he didn't include in this thread, and it's...a lot. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 (edited) You really need to tell your girlfriend how you feel and stop wasting her time. If she wants a husband, a home, and a family, she needs to move on and find someone who shares the same goals in life. Edited April 18 by BaileyB 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 There is no way you are that into your GF....you just wasted 3 years of her time. You are with the wrong person. Cut her loose because her bio clock is ticking. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 (edited) Nvm Edited April 19 by Els Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 On 4/3/2025 at 9:09 PM, lovers said: My nightmare scenario is if I lose the house from divorce and me and my parents are homeless. Ever heard of prenups? You are wasting this woman's time. Let her go. You are not interested in a marriage and you're not ready for children and who knows if you'll ever be. You want to travel, no attachments, you don't want to be financially responsible for a family, you much prefer participating to these financial skeem that you think will make you rich in a year. I don't know what she sees in you that makes her think, for a second, that you're marriage material. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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