Frozen intimacy

[Pete987]

My partner and I have been together for a decade, married for half of that, with two young children. In our early days, intimacy was regular and fulfilling. Gradually this has dwindled to the point where we have sex around once every 3 months. My wife says she never really has sexual thoughts anymore, so this is driven usually by a conversation where we acknowledge "that we haven't done it in ages". This amount and format falls very short of my wants and needs, and my wife knows and acknowledges that, but the infrequency just seems to get worse. I appreciate that we are too busy and tired to return to our levels of intimacy when we first met, but with this lack of intimacy, I feel empty, frustrated and lacking in proper connection with her. I don't want to keep raising it (feels selfish and embarrassing) and I don't want to leave, I just wish we could improve this area of our lives to some degree. Does anyone have any tips on what to do / how to approach the situation / what to say?

[BreakOnThrough]

It usually doesn't get better on its own, even with help, the chances are slim, and will probably get worse. 

[Els]

You need to hash this out in MC. It's hard to offer suggestions without knowing more, but some very common reasons are your wife feeling "touched out" by the kids, the loss of romance, and the lack of dating.

Do you get any time to yourselves without the kids around? When was the last time you went out on a date, just you and your wife? Getting a babysitter once a week so you can have date night might be a good idea.

Is your wife doing the majority of the childcare? Is there anything you can do to ease that? Generally speaking, when it comes to dead bedrooms, talking about your needs repeatedly isn't going to solve anything. Usually the solution involves talking about your partner's needs instead (which includes non-sexual needs).

[Whatitistoburn]

On 4/2/2025 at 2:33 AM, BreakOnThrough said:

It usually doesn't get better on its own, even with help, the chances are slim, and will probably get worse. 

This is true. OP, we are going through the same thing. Ours had been dwindling for years now, maybe 15. We’ve been married for 17. The longest we went without was 2 years (during the pandemic). Then, 6 months and now, it had been 3 months. We don’t have kids and I have been feeling disconnected from him, ugly, unloved, isolated, rejected and depressed. I hope things get better for you.