Jools Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I started a new job about 6 months ago and made friends with a girl who works there, over time we grew closer and a month ago I told her how I feel about her. Only to find out that she had recently started seeing someone else. I think we’re great together, she says that she’s never had anyone treat her the way I do and even said she thought she was falling in love with me. I desperately want to be with her but she’s with this other guy. The thing I can’t understand is that she has said on numerous occasions that she has doubts about her relationship, thinks she’s probably with the wrong person and even just last week said that she was thinking of ending it, and if she did when should she? I don’t feel that I should comment or give her advice on her relationship though, because if she did leave him, I would be the one she would end up with. It would be wrong I think. The other thing that confuses me is that we see each other often yet this other guy lives 4 hours away? After all she has said to me, I can’t understand what is going on in her head. She says that she thinks we’ll probably end up together but wants her relationship to ‘take its natural course’, whatever that means? Anyone have any thoughts or advice? Or been through something similar?
Lil Honey Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I think you should stand aside, meet other people, and if she does leave her boyfriend, then start a relationship. She needs to decide what to do about the relationship that she's already in, rather than string someone else along "just in case the first guy doesn't work out." It isn't fair to her current boyfriend or you. Further, if she can do that to him, she can do it to you.
Jools Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 My best mate has given me the advice of seeing other people and maybe even not seeing her as much. But i just want to spend as much time as i can with her. Another strange thing is that when i mentioned that i might be meeting someone that a mate had shown a photo of me to and who wanted to meet me, she got all jealous and didn't want me to meet her. Like i said, she's said that she thinks we'll end up together and she's also worried that when her current relationship does end i'll then be with someone else. It feels like she's having her cake and eating it, she has her boyfriend that she see's most weekends and then see's me during the week and evenings, stays over mine, cuddles up to me, asks for hugs etc. Should i stop being so close with her, even though i don't want to? Maybe then she'll realise she can't have everything and maybe work out what she really wants?
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Should i stop being so close with her, even though i don't want to? Maybe then she'll realise she can't have everything and maybe work out what she really wants? yes. that is how it works.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Until she loses the boyfriend be nothing more than a friend.. She is getting something from you that the boyfriend isn't giving her wait it out.. Then if she leaves him pursue something then.. Good luck
Jools. Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Until she loses the boyfriend be nothing more than a friend.. She is getting something from you that the boyfriend isn't giving her wait it out.. Then if she leaves him pursue something then.. Good luck I know its probably what i should do, and i'd probably say the same to someone else in the same situation but it's hard to do whats 'right' when all i can think about is being with her. I told her a few weeks ago that my m8 had said i should probably take some time out and not see her so much for a bit. She got quite angry towards what my mate said and said she would be upset if i did. I suppose the main thing i cant understand in my head, and maybe a female can work it out but, if she says she's falling in love with me, i love her, she says she wants to be with me and thinks we will sometime in the future, we currently spend alot of time together, so much so that lots of people at work, her family, my friends etc all think we're going out and at the same time she's seeing someone else who she hardly ever see's, keeps saying she thinks it might end, thinks he might leave her, think he might be the right person for her and that she's thinking bout leaving him. The thing i can't understand is why after she's told me all that, is she still with the other person and in her own words 'risking me finding someone else and then her missing out on me' Can anyone explain the reasoning to me?
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I know its probably what i should do, and i'd probably say the same to someone else in the same situation but it's hard to do whats 'right' when all i can think about is being with her. I told her a few weeks ago that my m8 had said i should probably take some time out and not see her so much for a bit. She got quite angry towards what my mate said and said she would be upset if i did. I suppose the main thing i cant understand in my head, and maybe a female can work it out but, if she says she's falling in love with me, i love her, she says she wants to be with me and thinks we will sometime in the future, we currently spend alot of time together, so much so that lots of people at work, her family, my friends etc all think we're going out and at the same time she's seeing someone else who she hardly ever see's, keeps saying she thinks it might end, thinks he might leave her, think he might be the right person for her and that she's thinking bout leaving him. The thing i can't understand is why after she's told me all that, is she still with the other person and in her own words 'risking me finding someone else and then her missing out on me' Can anyone explain the reasoning to me? two is better than one. the best of both worlds. Having your cake and eating it too. Main squeeze and a backup. big ego trip. (take your pick)
Jools. Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 There was a development last night. We were txting and it came out that she didn't think she was good enough for me, that she wasn't in my 'league', she thinks that i should be with someone who's more attractive than her and that i would probably lose interest quickly and find someone 'better'. I tried reassuring her that she IS attractive etc and that what else could i say or do to show her that i was committed to her?
Jools Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 There was a development last night. We were txting and it came out that she didn't think she was good enough for me, that she wasn't in my 'league', she thinks that i should be with someone who's more attractive than her and that i would probably lose interest quickly and find someone 'better'. I tried reassuring her that she IS attractive etc and that what else could i say or do to show her that i was committed to her?
Jools Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I don't know how much more of this i can handle, i'm turning into an emotional wreck, i found myself sat at my desk today with my emotions building up, my bottom lip going and my eyes getting watery. She said we needed to talk on wednesday but we haven't yet, i asked her when earlier today and she said maybe not a good idea at the moment because she's tired and has too much in her head. I don't think she quite understands what this is doing to me. I've just this minute got a txt saying maybe its best if we dont see each other at all. And then one a minute later saying bye, c ya around. I think she maybe thinks it will be easier for me if we break off contact. I don't want to tho. I am going crazy!
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 it sounds like she's doing this to hook you in. don't fall for it. just say ok, probably for the best, see ya 'round.
Super89Rex Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Sorry to hear your troubles bro, I know exactly how you feel; and you probably ended up doing the same thing I did; you got your hopes up and when it didn't work out in the end you feel horrible. Best advice? I think from my experience would be to just move on, find someone who appreciates you for your goodness.. Work on improving yourself and be the best you can be, someone will come along; or maybe one day she may regret it.. Cheer up man, I know its easy to say; I'm still having trouble myself sometimes. Matt
Jools Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Thanks for the advice and concern guys. Well the panic over her breaking contact is over. it seems somehow she thought it was what i wanted, i suppose i was a bit weird earlier that day and she mustve have misunderstood somthing i said. so thats sorted, but the rest still stands. Well she said something else yesterday that got me thinking again, i mentioned to her that i wouldn't mind knowing what she was thinking sometimes coz when she doesnt i tend to think the wrong things. too which she said that when i think i'm wrong i'm right and said to think about something i said in an email yesterday. well i said a few things but i think i know what she's refering to, it would be positve if it was that tho. i've been trying to get what it is out of her but she's with him this weekend so she's not reply to her txts much. the end result is that i'm still going out of mind as much as ever!
Jools Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Quick update. Well sunday was probably the worst of my life, i know that sounds like i'm over reacting but i'm really not, it was awful. I hadn't heard much from her over the weekend coz she was with him and then on sunday i heard from her and she told me that she was staying with him. I was in my room at the time and it just broke me, devastated is an understatement on how i felt. Well i saw her at work the next day and at some point she told me that things had been really hard for her (and i really do understand that) and that she even tried to leave him but found it too hard. Now i don't know why she told me that, what she thought it would help me with but it just left me thinking about why she 'tried' to leave him and if she actually went as far as to try, how much can she really love him? I now find myself trying to come to terms with not being able to be with her, now that i know for sure what she's decided. I still want to be her best mate but i get the feeling that things might not be the same again after all this. An example being that we and another mate had planned for a while to go to a concert together, and when i asked her about it she said she'd have to think about it, coz she wasn't sure if it would be right or if she'd now be doing something else with him? I suppose now i really fear that not only will i not be able to be with her but we'll start to drift apart as friends too as she'll be spending an increasing time with him? And she'll be worried about what he might think if we spend time together? And in the mean time all i can think of all day long is her and the mistakes i've made which has led to this sorry state of affairs. I'm still feeling ill and i still can't sleep, i keep waking during the night after bad dreams about losing her and her being with him. I keep holding out some hope that something will happen and i can be with her. Sorry for the long post guys, just kept typing :-)
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