Author Marlene1 Posted April 5 Author Posted April 5 So another problem I need advise on: He is active on social media, but I am not. I created a facebook page a few months ago and asked him to connect with me. He never did. I brought it up again last week and said that he has years worth of pictures on there of previous relationships and if I see them it will cause us unecessary drama "because he knows how my brain works". But he said at the end if I really want to connect that's fine. I should also mention that he and I have been back together for almost two years and he has not posted one single picture of us on there. But he has tons of pictures of him and his exes? Last week I left that alone.I brought it up again this morning. He got mad at me and told me that if I want him to be honest, he hasn't posted pictures because he's not sure about us since in the last 6 months I have pulled back. He said "I don't want to look stupid posting pictures of all these women and then starting over". WOW. Look stupid to whom? My guess is this: I am not on there because he want to show to whoever that he is single. Clearly he was fine posting his ex relationships on there, but not me, supposedly the love of his life. The more I think about this the more I realize just how full of sh*** he is. Thoughts?
Gaeta Posted April 5 Posted April 5 On 4/1/2025 at 9:07 PM, Marlene1 said: I am in a totally different place in my life, I own my own business, I am successful, I own a nice home, etc Then Why do you pick such a loser to date? There are tons of men out there that have their life on track and are looking for a lady to love and enjoy life with. You are in your 50s now, aren't you tired of dealing with this bs? I am in my 50s and the men I dated in my 50s had better talk the talk and walk the walk. We have little years left to fully enjoy our time & health so let's not waste it on the wrong men. Don't you think you deserve the same commitment and energy from a man that you're investing yourself. 2
Author Marlene1 Posted April 5 Author Posted April 5 You are right. I absolutely deserve better than this. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am so used to losers that's all I know. Today after I texted him that I don't want to talk anymore, he texted me three separate times afterwards, acting like nothing ever happened. I didn't even bother responding. He is not committed to me. He was committed to his ex girlfriend that is why their pictures are plastered all over his facebook page, the page he doesn't want me to see apparently. So, I am not sure why he even reached out to me over the years and then again in August 2023 when we got back together. Am I a safe options when all else fails? I
ExpatInItaly Posted April 6 Posted April 6 11 hours ago, Marlene1 said: Thoughts? You tolerate an awful lot of nonsense from this guy.
Author Marlene1 Posted April 6 Author Posted April 6 (edited) So last night we talked again about how I feel. I told him that I do not trust him and I do not trust that he is committed to me. I said to him "how can you have all these pictures of you with your ex girlfried on Facebook and none of us?" He told me that because I have pulled back in the last 6 months, he is not sure about the relationship and that he is afraid I might leave him again like I did 17 years ago. I told him "then do the work to keep me, its not that hard." He told me he is committed to me and that he just wants us to be happy. He said he would post pictures os his social media and he is not opposed to transparency. I still have no solid answers to anything. A few minutes after our conversation ended, he texted me: "I do love you and I please try to know that." I did not respond. He texted again this morning "good morning beautiful girl". He is acting like everything is normal but I still feel unheard. I know it's been only a day, but I just don't feel like this is going anywhere. He procrastinates in every aspect of his life, even with is kids. Half the time he doesn't even know what's going on with their schooling. Edited April 6 by Marlene1
smackie9 Posted April 8 Posted April 8 (edited) You need to let him go...all he is doing is keeping you on the hook saying sweet nothings in your ear. You need to find your self worth and block this guy, and erase him from your life. Edited April 8 by smackie9
ExpatInItaly Posted April 8 Posted April 8 On 4/6/2025 at 7:44 AM, ExpatInItaly said: You tolerate an awful lot of nonsense from this guy. Quoting myself for emphasis, in light of the most recent update. 1
stillafool Posted April 8 Posted April 8 On 3/31/2025 at 9:42 PM, Marlene1 said: Reason was he was not ambitious with his life at all, bad with money, could not hold a job, and generally irresponsible. Doesn't sound like he's changed very much at all from when you were together the first time. Why now, at 50 do you want to get back with a man who is going nowhere?
BaileyB Posted April 9 Posted April 9 On 4/6/2025 at 11:23 AM, Marlene1 said: He told me that because I have pulled back in the last 6 months, he is not sure about the relationship and that he is afraid I might leave him again like I did 17 years ago. In other words, he shifted the blame to you. On 4/6/2025 at 11:23 AM, Marlene1 said: He told me he is committed to me and that he just wants us to be happy. He said he would post pictures os his social media Posting photos on social media does not demonstrate his commitment to your relationship. The fact that he would even suggest such a solution shows me that he does not even begin to understand the problem here… which is, if he wants to be in a relationship then he will need he treat that woman with respect and dignity. To do that, he will need to divorce his first wife - not post photos on social media. 2
Author Marlene1 Posted April 9 Author Posted April 9 UPDATE: So this might be a bit long. I dug around yesterday and found that he had commented on one of his ex-girlfriend's comments on Facebook in August of 2024. Long after we had a conversation where he agreed to not communicate with his ex girlfriend. They were together for 7 years and she played a pivotal role in his kids' lives. Prior to him making his profile private (she has done so as well may I add), I can only see pictures up to a point. They have many pictures of the two of them both on her page and his. Of course, he has posted anything of the two of us and when I asked him to connect with him, he gave me a hard time saying that because I overthink, I will analyze all his posts and cause problems. Well, after seeing that he had commented on her post just a few months ago, I confronted him about it and called him a liar. He got upset with me and at first said he needs a break but then walked that back.. He swore that he is not communicating with her but I don't believe him. I told him "now I know why I am not on facebook with you, because I guess you don't want to close any doors or hurt anyone else's feelings." He said I was being way too dramatic, that he doesn't even remember the post and that he is not communicating with his ex or any other ex. He asked me: "If I wanted to be with anyone else, why wouldn't I be? Why am I with you then?" He told me that I over think things (which I do) but I simply don't trust him. I told him that. He said that he will work on fixing everything. I should also add, that his father was hospitalized again yesterday and this time it's serious to where he may not make it. So I know W has a lot going on and maybe my timing was not good. Please give me some feedback. Thank you.
BaileyB Posted April 9 Posted April 9 1 hour ago, Marlene1 said: He said I was being way too dramatic. He asked me: "If I wanted to be with anyone else, why wouldn't I be? Why am I with you then?" He told me that I over think things (which I do) but I simply don't trust him. This is called gaslighting. Do a google search to learn more. Not sure what kind of feedback you are seeking. You don’t seem interested in ending the relationship, which means that you will have to continue to tolerate his disrespect. Hopefully, you reconsider someday… I would say that he is wasting your time - but at a certain point, you begin to waste your own time. Good luck to you. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 9 Posted April 9 3 hours ago, Marlene1 said: Please give me some feedback. What is it you want to hear at this point? Most of us have told you throughout this thread that this is a bad relationship for you. You keep adding more of the same - he's lying, he's connected to his exes in some way, he's not being honest with you, he's got one foot out the door. What do you intend to do about all ths?
Alvi Posted April 10 Posted April 10 (edited) 8 hours ago, Marlene1 said: He asked me: "If I wanted to be with anyone else, why wouldn't I be? I am laughing at this statement. Let's be honest here. It's not like he has many women who actually want him and are willing to date him given that he is a 52 year-old hot mess (or not so hot anymore). The younger women don't find him appealing given that he is married, has young kids and little cash. The older women see right through his lies and manipulations. 8 hours ago, Marlene1 said: Why am I with you then? A very good question actually. Because you are willing to overlook the fact that he is married, his unstable finances, and his lying (and gaslighting you) and cheating behavior. And because currently he has no other offers. Edited April 10 by Alvi 2
flitzanu Posted April 10 Posted April 10 he didn't want to add you on facebook because you are going to overanalyze everything on there. you're already overanalyzing everything that is on there. you don't trust him, you think he's lying, so why stay? just leave.
Gaeta Posted April 10 Posted April 10 Look at how he makes you feel. Why isn't it enough to leave him? It's like you need to catch him red handed to finally break up. There is no need for that. Just the fact that you don't trust him, you doubt his every word, he makes you live in anxiety to the point that you're spying months back on his social media. Why would anyone want to live like this? The day I will feel the need to go spy on my bf's social media will be the day I'll need to move on from our relationship. It's sad that his father is sick but you've been dating a year, not like you were married 10 years and you'd want to delay a divorce. You're someone he dates and that he can't even treat right. 1
Author Marlene1 Posted April 20 Author Posted April 20 Thank you all. The latest is that his father left the hospital yesterday and has been admitted to a nursing home. My bf is making no effort to see me however. I saw him a couple of days ago and we hung out with him and the kids and I visited his father in the hospital. My bf tells me he is completely overwhelmed, has not been able to work in two weeks because there is no one to watch his kids and he can't afford child care. He has attempted to make plans with me twice and they fall through each time. He is depressed and anxious. Here is the thing: I have a tendency to obsess over things, I have an anxious personality. However, I have a strong gut feeling he is cheating on me. Either has reconnected with is ex-girlfriend ( the one he has posted all over Facebook) or in the very least he is talking to someone. He assures me that nothing is going on, that he just wants us to be normal and he wishes I understood the stress he is under: Kids, finances, living situation, father living or dying soon. While I understand all of those things and have offered support multiple times, he doesn't accept my help at all. He tells me doesn't want to burden me or rely on anyone. He said the only reason why we are not spending time together is his brain is not right and he has a lot to figure out now with finances and work and child care. His kids annoy him even more and he has been complaining about them to me. He is withdrawn from his own children, leaves them at home alone, to visit his father for hours in the hospital. It seems as though he has pushed me and his kids away and is obsessed over his father. He still talks about future plans, and what we can do over the summer, so I'm confused. We still talk multiple times a day and that communication has not changed at all. But if I was going through all this, I would WANT my bf around for emotional support. But he's the opposite. He doesn't want anyone around, including me. This is why I feel as though someone else is taking my place. I know I keep asking all of you for advice and I appreciate all of it. Please do not get frustrated with me, I do love this person believe it or not, and it's not easy to just walk away when I don't have any real tangible proof of infidelity. But why wouldn't he want to spend time with me? Is it legitimate that his stress level can make him withdraw so much? Please tell me what you think.
Author Marlene1 Posted April 20 Author Posted April 20 Another thing to add: I spoke to him a little while ago and we have plans to see each other this week and do something with the kids a few times since they are off of school for spring break. He told me that I have nothing to worry about, about anything, and I need to stop overanalyzing every little thing. He just wants us to be happy, he wants me to relax. My friend told me that if he was doing anything behind my back, for example bringing his ex girldfriend back into the picture who had a close relationship with his kids, he would never bring me around his kids again and either risk them getting confused, or risk them spilling the beans and saying something about another woman in front of me. Like I said before, I have ZERO tangible evidence of anything going on. He answers the phone every time I call, we text, he acts the exact same way. He just seems more physically distant and we haven't seen each other in three days. I just have a weird feeling.
Alvi Posted April 20 Posted April 20 OP, are you with this guy because you are afraid to be alone? You don't sound happy. 1 hour ago, Marlene1 said: Like I said before, I have ZERO tangible evidence of anything going on. He answers the phone every time I call, we text, he acts the exact same way. He just seems more physically distant and we haven't seen each other in three days. He is going through a lot. Like he said to you, he has other priorities right now. He is worried about his father, that's understandable. Three days is not a long time considering that the two of you don't live together. Perhaps you can ask him to go visit his father together. There is no evidence that he is cheating on you, so I would go with that he is not. But it doesn't make him to be the right guy if he makes you feel so paranoid and insecure.
Author Marlene1 Posted April 20 Author Posted April 20 Thank you Alvi. Yes, we have plans to go see his father this week, do something with his girls, and then he is coming to my house (he volunteeted this) to help me with yard work. I just keep reading online that a woman's intuition of cheating is usually correct, but at the same time I know I overthink and overanalyze. It seems that now that his father went into the nursing home last night, my bf is in a much better mood. He is almost happy. And where does my brain go? "Oh is he happy because he is excited because he met someone online and now he has something to be happy about?" I am so messed up. If he's distant I wonder, if he's happy and present I wonder if he's happy because he's excited about someone else. It seems that no matter what he does I will not trust him.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 21 Posted April 21 14 hours ago, Marlene1 said: Please tell me what you think. That you are never going to leave this man. That much is clear. You put up with all sorts of nonsense, ask what we think, and don't seem to do anything about it. 1
Acacia98 Posted April 21 Posted April 21 (edited) Based on your arguments around social media, I think your guy engages in all sorts of single-guy behavior there. He probably flirts with numerous women. Being connected to you there would cramp his style. His refusal to divorce his wife fits into the larger pattern of a man who derives some kind of meaning/comfort from simultaneously having several women in his life. All the negative stuff he says about his wife sounds to me like the stuff cheaters say about their spouses. They make the person sound like a monster (and heck, it may be true), but they somehow never opt to simply end the relationship and move on. They swear that they are no longer sleeping with the spouse (and then the spouse gets pregnant). In this case, he claimed he hadn't been communicating with his wife, and yet you have come across evidence that they were communicating on social media a few months ago. The only advice I have for you is this: figure out what you need to do to build your self-esteem and do it. Then you will have the courage and clarity to make the right decisions about your love life. Edited April 21 by Acacia98
Gaeta Posted April 21 Posted April 21 Even if you had the proof he does not cheat....you are miserable in this relationship. He still does not want a divorce. Anyway you turn it around, you will always be unhappy with this man. At this point you're addicted to this trauma. Always fishing for the next clue, the next mystery, the next drama. I would not put myself through this even if you paid me a million dollars. You think you love him but the issue is you don't love yourself enough. 1
TheBlingRing14 Posted April 22 Posted April 22 I have to admit.....I am SO curious as to the psyche of this man. Nothing seems to make sense at all. The one thought I had was that maybe, he was just going to try to ride it out till the kids are of age, so that he doesn't get stuck with child support. But, considering the circumstances, it seems doubtful she would get primary custody anyway. So...yeah, I am definitely curious his reasoning.
Alvi Posted April 22 Posted April 22 On 4/6/2025 at 10:23 AM, Marlene1 said: "how can you have all these pictures of you with your ex girlfried on Facebook and none of us?" He told me that because I have pulled back in the last 6 months, he is not sure about the relationship and that he is afraid I might leave him again like I did 17 years ago. I told him "then do the work to keep me, its not that hard." He told me he is committed to me and that he just wants us to be happy. He is probably not cheating on you but still in touch with his exes and likes to flirt on-line. Which is, technically, still cheating. He is gaslighting you and turns things around and blames you for his bad behavior. There are not a lot of body movements to take down pics of his ex and put pics of the two of you together if that would make you happy. I thinks he likes drama and he thrives in drama-like situations. And if there is not enough drama, he goes ahead and creates drama on his own. He enjoys seeing you sweat and getting all nervous and insecure regarding his ex. Perhaps that's why he is still married. For the sake of the drama. I think you are also enjoying the drama and the roller-coaster that he brings and like playing his game by his rules. Even if he wasn't gaslighting you (and he is) he is still married. He has a whole wife, which he never plans to divorce. Doesn't matter what his reasonings are regarding never getting a divorce, HE IS MARRIED. Sorry, didn't mean to yell. What matters is that he is not making you happy in a long run and that's all to it. I am curious, why are you actually waiting till you find out that he is actually cheating on you before you split? Do you think that you can be happy with a normal boring punctual guy, who works hard and has his life and finances together with no exes in the picture? Or do you think that he would bore you to tears and you would dump him eventually and go look for someone more exiting? 1
Recommended Posts