Should I continue dating or just move on? 9 months

[Lindadear]

I've been dating for 9 months and last week I was talking to my boyfriend and I said that my lease will expire in August and until then we will have been dating for a year. I asked him what his thoughts were about getting engaged or renting something together and he said he's not ready because he thinks that a year is still too early to get married. However, we're 33 (I'll be 34 in September) and he's 37 and he knows that I want to have a child. What can I think about in this case? He said he wants to marry me but he needs to be sure. Should I just wait?

His issues with me is because I was having insecurity with one of his friends which is a woman, and he knows her for years and he needs me to figure out and be comfortable with that because he never gave me any reason to no be.

 Second issue is because he thinks I ask so many questions when he goes out with his friends and that makes him feel that I don’t trust him.

 And third thing is when he tells me something he never know how I’m gonna react, and that makes him feel that he needs to walk on eggshells.

I don’t see this as a big deal to no make plans for the future, because it’s not something that happened so many times and I’m working on myself, but I would like opinions that someone who is outside of this.

 

 Thank you

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with your boyfriend. Your relationship is not in the right place to move in together, let alone get engaged. 

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

Second issue is because he thinks I ask so many questions when he goes out with his friends and that makes him feel that I don’t trust him.

So, do you trust him? If so, why do you ask so many questions? If not, why are you dating him? 

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

when he tells me something he never know how I’m gonna react, and that makes him feel that he needs to walk on eggshells.

Well, is he right? Do you over-react? What is he referring to here? 

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

I don’t see this as a big deal to no make plans for the future,

But you are not him. He sees it as a big enough deal to wait on taking the next step. I think he is being wise. It sounds like he first wants to see if the relationship will make it, and then think about future plans. Now is not the time for moving in or getting engaged. 

 

[basil67]

You're between a rock and a hard place with respect to fertility vs relationship issues and short period of time together.   Ultimately, your boyfriend is right to not be making commitments that can't be easily undone.   It would be foolish to move in when the two of you are already fighting and he feels like he's walking on eggshells.

I would suggest you figure out if you can accept his friend group without putting him through the Spanish Inquisition each time he goes out

[Gebidozo]

Your boyfriend made it very clear why he isn’t ready to move in together or get engaged. These are very normal, valid, understandable reasons.

But even if he hadn’t given you a precise list of reasons, it is his prerogative to not take the relationship at a pace that makes him uncomfortable, for whatever reason. If he isn’t ready, he isn’t ready.

If you want to keep having this relationship, it would be a good idea to work on those issues that make him hesitant to proceed. That doesn’t mean that he’ll immediately be ready the moment you stop treating him with suspicion. He’ll probably need more time to adjust to the new you and develop deeper trust.

[Alvi]

9 hours ago, Lindadear said:

s issues with me is because I was having insecurity with one of his friends which is a woman, and he knows her for years and he needs me to figure out and be comfortable with that because he never gave me any reason to no be.

Ok, this is the silliest reason I've ever heard about not wanting to move in together. So, you are insecure about his woman friend, so what? Unless you are having a cat-fights with her or write her some nasty messages or harass her that should not be a problem moving in together or getting married or having kids together.  Do you throw temper-tantrums or jealously fits and forbid him talking to to her or something? If not, it's not that big of a problem.

9 hours ago, Lindadear said:

 Second issue is because he thinks I ask so many questions when he goes out with his friends and that makes him feel that I don’t trust him.

What are we talking about here? How often does he goes out with his friends and what do they usually do when they go out? Are we talking about once a month a boy's night out or going out 2-3 times a week with his friends.  Do you feel sidelined that he goes out with his friends instead of spending time or going out with you perhaps??? I think that once a person is ready to settle down it's a natural progression of thigs that they spend less times with their friends and more time with their partner. Do you see if fells that something is off when he goes out and makes you not to trust him? Is he including you in his outings?

9 hours ago, Lindadear said:

 And third thing is when he tells me something he never know how I’m gonna react, and that makes him feel that he needs to walk on eggshells.

I am not quite sure if you are a problem here or not. What kind of things is he telling you that makes you over-react? What is his body language or the tone of his voice?  Is it "I am going to visit my sister tomorrow" vs " I know that we had a date planned for tomorrow but I am going to go out with my buddies to XYZ place instead." Had he expressed how he feels to you before?  How often the two of you fight and how bad those fights are?

9 hours ago, Lindadear said:

I don’t see this as a big deal to no make plans for the future, because it’s not something that happened so many times and I’m working on myself, but I would like opinions that someone who is outside of this.

I don't think this is a big deal either but all it matters is what he thinks. Right or wrong, he can decide not to move forward with this relationship or end it any time for any reason. I think that once he finds a woman that he truly wants to settle down and start a family with, he is going to do thinks that makes her happy.  He is going to get rid of this woman friend (for no other reason but because she is making the love of his life uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, I know, lol), meet a lot less with his friends or find a whole new group of friend and is going to be a lot more considerate of her feelings. 

9 hours ago, Lindadear said:

He said he wants to marry me but he needs to be sure.

 He knows by now what you are all about so if he is unsure about moving in together, he is wasting your time to be totally frank. He either wants it and is also willing to meet you halfway or he is  not. I am sure that he is not perfect either and  you can come up with a list of things that you want him to change as well. It seems like he is totally in control of this situation and only wants you to change, change, change. What is he bringing to the table besides his list of demands? What are some things or character traits that he is willing to get rid off if he marries you?

9 hours ago, Lindadear said:

However, we're 33 (I'll be 34 in September) and he's 37 and he knows that I want to have a child. What can I think about in this case?

I don't know what to tell you besides telling you that your time to have kids is running out as we speak. In couple of yours it may be too late for you to have a child so chose wisely and don't waste your time if you feel that this relationship is going nowhere. This guy is probably going to be able to have kids at his sixties but it's not going to be the same for you, unfortunately. Maybe you should seek a therapy to help you with your issues. Not to please this particular guy but to work on yourself.  But relationships are based on plenty half-way street and compromises and I am not sure if he is willing that for you (but he is ready to write down a list of demands that he wants you to do).  There is no guarantee that he is not going to come up with a whole new list of things if and when you change these three points. I don't know whether he is right or wrong as I am not there and don't see things day to day basis. Maybe he has a reasonable point but maybe not. But don't stay in a relationship if you feel that it's not right for you.

[Lindadear]

23 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Ok, this is the silliest reason I've ever heard about not wanting to move in together. So, you are insecure about his woman friend, so what? Unless you are having a cat-fights with her or write her some nasty messages or harass her that should not be a problem moving in together or getting married or having kids together.  Do you throw temper-tantrums or jealously fits and forbid him talking to to her or something? If not, it's not that big of a problem.

What are we talking about here? How often does he goes out with his friends and what do they usually do when they go out? Are we talking about once a month a boy's night out or going out 2-3 times a week with his friends.  Do you feel sidelined that he goes out with his friends instead of spending time or going out with you perhaps??? I think that once a person is ready to settle down it's a natural progression of thigs that they spend less times with their friends and more time with their partner. Do you see if fells that something is off when he goes out and makes you not to trust him? Is he including you in his outings?

I am not quite sure if you are a problem here or not. What kind of things is he telling you that makes you over-react? What is his body language or the tone of his voice?  Is it "I am going to visit my sister tomorrow" vs " I know that we had a date planned for tomorrow but I am going to go out with my buddies to XYZ place instead." Had he expressed how he feels to you before?  How often the two of you fight and how bad those fights are?

I don't think this is a big deal either but all it matters is what he thinks. Right or wrong, he can decide not to move forward with this relationship or end it any time for any reason. I think that once he finds a woman that he truly wants to settle down and start a family with, he is going to do thinks that makes her happy.  He is going to get rid of this woman friend (for no other reason but because she is making the love of his life uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, I know, lol), meet a lot less with his friends or find a whole new group of friend and is going to be a lot more considerate of her feelings. 

 He knows by now what you are all about so if he is unsure about moving in together, he is wasting your time to be totally frank. He either wants it and is also willing to meet you halfway or he is  not. I am sure that he is not perfect either and  you can come up with a list of things that you want him to change as well. It seems like he is totally in control of this situation and only wants you to change, change, change. What is he bringing to the table besides his list of demands? What are some things or character traits that he is willing to get rid off if he marries you?

I don't know what to tell you besides telling you that your time to have kids is running out as we speak. In couple of yours it may be too late for you to have a child so chose wisely and don't waste your time if you feel that this relationship is going nowhere. This guy is probably going to be able to have kids at his sixties but it's not going to be the same for you, unfortunately. Maybe you should seek a therapy to help you with your issues. Not to please this particular guy but to work on yourself.  But relationships are based on plenty half-way street and compromises and I am not sure if he is willing that for you (but he is ready to write down a list of demands that he wants you to do).  There is no guarantee that he is not going to come up with a whole new list of things if and when you change these three points. I don't know whether he is right or wrong as I am not there and don't see things day to day basis. Maybe he has a reasonable point but maybe not. But don't stay in a relationship if you feel that it's not right for you.

23 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Ok, essa é a razão mais idiota que já ouvi sobre não querer morar junto. Então, você está inseguro sobre a amiga dele, e daí? A menos que você tenha uma briga de gato com ela ou envie algumas mensagens propostas ou assedie, isso não deve ser um problema para morar junto ou se casar ou ter filhos juntos. Você tem acessos de raiva ou ataques de ciúmes e restrições de falar com ela ou algo assim? Se não, não é um problema tão grande.

O que estamos falando aqui? Com que frequência ele sai com os amigos e o que eles costumam fazer quando saem? Estamos falando de uma noite dos meninos uma vez por mês ou de sair 2 a 3 vezes por semana com os amigos? Você se sente marginalizado quando ele sai com os amigos em vez de passar um tempo ou sair com você, talvez??? Acho que quando uma pessoa está pronta para se estabelecer, é uma progressão natural das coisas que ela passa menos tempo com os amigos e mais tempo com o parceiro. Você vê se sente que algo está errado quando ele sai e faz com que você não confie nele? Ele está incluindo você em seus passeios?

Não tenho certeza se você é um problema aqui ou não. Que tipo de coisas ele está dizendo que você reage exageradamente? Qual é a linguagem corporal ou o tom de voz dele? É "Vou visitar minha irmã amanhã" ou "Sei que temos um encontro marcado para amanhã, mas vou sair com meus amigos para o lugar XYZ". Ele já expressou como se sente para você antes? Com que frequência vocês dois brigam e quão ruins são essas brigas?

Eu também não acho que isso seja um grande problema, mas tudo o que importa é o que ele pensa. Certo ou errado, ele pode decidir não seguir em frente com esse relacionamento ou terminá-lo a qualquer momento por qualquer motivo. Eu acho que quando ele encontra uma mulher com quem ele realmente quer se estabelecer e começar uma família, ele vai fazer coisas que a deixem feliz. Ele vai se livrar dessa amiga (sem nenhuma outra razão, mas porque ela está deixando o amor da vida dele desconfortável. Sim, sim, eu sei, rs ), se encontrar muito menos com seus amigos ou encontrar um novo grupo de amigos e vai ser muito mais gentil com os sentimentos dela. 

 Ele já sabe o que você é, então se ele não tem certeza sobre morar junto, ele está desperdiçando seu tempo, para ser totalmente franco. Ou ele quer e também está disposto a te encontrar no meio do caminho ou não está. Tenha certeza de que ele também não é perfeito e você pode inventar uma lista de coisas que você quer que ele mude também. Parece que ele está totalmente sem controle dessa situação e só quer que você mude, mude, mude. O que ele está trazendo para a mesa além de sua lista de critérios? Quais são algumas coisas ou traços de caráter que ele está disposto a se livrar se ele se casar com você?

Não sei o que te dizer além de dizer que seu tempo para ter filhos está se esgotando enquanto conversamos. Em alguns deles, pode ser tarde demais para você ter um filho, então escolha com sabedoria e não perca seu tempo se você sentir que esse relacionamento não está indo a lugar nenhum. Essa cara provavelmente vai conseguir ter filhos aos sessenta, mas não vai ser o mesmo para você, infelizmente. Talvez você deva procurar uma terapia para ajudá-lo com seus problemas. Não para gostar desse cara em particular, mas para trabalhar em si mesma. Mas os relacionamentos são baseados em muitas ruas do meio do caminho e compromissos e não tenho certeza se ele está disposto a isso para você (mas ele está pronto para escrever uma lista de critérios que ele quer que você faça). Não há garantia de que ele não vai inventar uma lista totalmente nova de coisas se e quando você mudar esses três pontos. Não sei se ele está certo ou errado, pois eu não estou lá e não vejo as coisas no dia a dia. Talvez ele tenha um ponto razoável, mas talvez não. Mas não continue em um relacionamento se você achar que ele não é o certo para você.

Okay, I'll explain it better. This friend of his is married to another friend of his and has children, but because I saw a greater closeness because they work together, this triggered me because in the past an ex-boyfriend cheated on me with his friend. The second point is that he goes out with his friends, he goes once a month or every two months and he feels that by me asking, it seems like I'm suspicious of him or if he comes home very late I complain that I don't think it's right. And the third point, he usually tells me everything and sometimes there may be something that I may think weird or is not very normal for me and then I ask more questions and he feels uncomfortable as if he was happy to tell me and I made a fuss. He is a great boyfriend, and he said that he loves me and really wants me to be his person, but we need to work on these points. And I'm back in my therapy sessions because I can see that he really doesn't do anything to make me feel this way. But the fact that he didn't give me any security for the future makes me unsure if I'm really wasting my time. He said he wouldn't waste our time if he didn't really want anything more serious, but he also can't get into something serious if we have these differences that could bring a lot of problems in the future. Any opinion, please?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

But the fact that he didn't give me any security for the future makes me unsure if I'm really wasting my time

You've only been together for nine months.  It's long enough to have hopes for the future, but too early to make promises or plans

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

He said he wouldn't waste our time if he didn't really want anything more serious, but he also can't get into something serious if we have these differences that could bring a lot of problems in the future. Any opinion, please?

He's right to not get into something serious your anxiety about his choices continues, particularly if he's not actually doing anything wrong.   What does your therapist say about this?

[Lindadear]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've only been together for nine months.  It's long enough to have hopes for the future, but too early to make promises or plans

He's right to not get into something serious your anxiety about his choices continues, particularly if he's not actually doing anything wrong.   What does your therapist say about this?

I’m working on this, my therapist said it’s not fair to put that on him since he never did nothing wrong, but you saw the answer about that person above you? That makes me confuse, like, a man always know if the woman is the one, or do you think that this comes with time? I just don’t want be with a person, working on myself and get the same, like he still not ready or create another issues as an excuse… 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, Lindadear said:

like, a man always know if the woman is the one, or do you think that this comes with time

No this is not true. 

A man can have hopes about a woman for the future and feel good about building a life with her - or he might see where there are problems that need to be addressed before moving forward. It sounds like you have a rather simplistic view of "The One" and think he should want to take the next steps in spite of the problems he feels you two have. That isn't a very realistic expectation on your part. 

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

sometimes there may be something that I may think weird or is not very normal for me

For example? 

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, Lindadear said:

I’m working on this, my therapist said it’s not fair to put that on him since he never did nothing wrong, but you saw the answer about that person above you? That makes me confuse, like, a man always know if the woman is the one, or do you think that this comes with time? I just don’t want be with a person, working on myself and get the same, like he still not ready or create another issues as an excuse… 

I think we can all agree that it's not fair to put your anxiety on him since he didn't do anything wrong.   So stop what you're doing and learn to bite your tongue.   Instead, work it out with your therapist.  

With regards to 'men always knowing if the woman is the one', men are not a monolith and do not all act the same and think the same.   Some men will be confident early, and some will be more cautious.   Your man is cautious

Edited April 1 by basil67

[Lindadear]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No this is not true. 

A man can have hopes about a woman for the future and feel good about building a life with her - or he might see where there are problems that need to be addressed before moving forward. It sounds like you have a rather simplistic view of "The One" and think he should want to take the next steps in spite of the problems he feels you two have. That isn't a very realistic expectation on your part. 

For example? 

Like, one day he took 3 persons from work to lunch and one of them was a woman, and he told me 2 weeks later, and I asked why he didn’t told me before, he told me was a normal thing nothing special… but I thought weird

[Lindadear]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think we can all agree that it's not fair to put your anxiety on him since he didn't do anything wrong.   So stop what you're doing and learn to bite your tongue.   Instead, work it out with your therapist.  

With regards to 'men always knowing if the woman is the one', men are not a monolith and do not all act the same and think the same.   Some men will be confident early, and some will be more cautious.   Your man is cautious

Yea I will, I just hope this is enough for him to be sure about me, and that he is not going to find another thing to complain…

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

Like, one day he took 3 persons from work to lunch and one of them was a woman, and he told me 2 weeks later, and I asked why he didn’t told me before, he told me was a normal thing nothing special… but I thought weird

Why do you find this weird? 

I also don't see the problem with it, but I am not you. Why don't you trust him? 

1 hour ago, Lindadear said:

that he is not going to find another thing to complain…

It sounds like you are the one finding things to complain about, honestly. 

[ShyViolet]

It's perfectly reasonable, and smart actually, for him to feel that this relationship isn't ready to move towards a more serious step like moving in together or engagement.  With these problems you've been having in the relationship, he would be foolish to move towards those serious steps.  You say you are working on yourself with these behaviors of yours..... so work on it.  And don't expect him to want to get engaged anytime really soon, unless these issues improve.  You've been dating 9 months and that is still a fairly short time.

[Gebidozo]

20 hours ago, Lindadear said:

a man always know if the woman is the one, or do you think that this comes with time?

It depends on the man and on the woman and on the circumstances. But it is very rare and unusual to know so soon that the woman is “the one”. Also, not everyone believes that there is such a thing as “the one”.

Edited April 2 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, Lindadear said:

Like, one day he took 3 persons from work to lunch and one of them was a woman, and he told me 2 weeks later, and I asked why he didn’t told me before, he told me was a normal thing nothing special… but I thought weird

No, it’s not weird. It is a normal thing, nothing special.

You really should stop controlling him and bothering him about his social interactions.

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, Lindadear said:

Yea I will, I just hope this is enough for him to be sure about me, and that he is not going to find another thing to complain…

What things is he complaining about? Isn’t he just being careful and cautious because you are complaining about things?

[smackie9]

My opinion...you have only known or dated 9 months...waaaay too early to move in and start with marriage and kids. I suggest you freeze your eggs just in case you have no man to marry you. You can decide to have a kid on your own if need be. Lots of women do it. Yes it's great to have the support but for some it's never there.

Edited April 8 by smackie9

[Jolienyc]

Thank you for being open with me. I really appreciate that you're honest about how you feel and what you need. I understand that trust and emotional security are very important to you, and I want you to know that I am working on myself to build that stronger foundation between us.

At the same time, I have to be honest about where I’m coming from too. At this stage in our lives, and considering the things I want for my future — like marriage and a family — it’s natural for me to want clarity about where we are headed. I’m not asking to rush anything before it feels right, but I do need to feel that we’re moving toward the same goals together.

I hear that you need more time to feel sure, and I respect that. But I also need to think about my own timeline and emotional needs. Maybe we can continue to work together on building the trust and security that we both want, but also have a real conversation about what "getting ready" means to you and what it would take for you to feel confident about taking the next step with me.

I care about you deeply, and I want us both to feel good and safe moving forward — together.

Would you also like me to suggest a second version that's a little softer or one that's more direct depending on the vibe you want with him?