anxiouslogger Posted March 30 Posted March 30 Hey y'all first time poster here. Sorry this is a bit wordy. If you don't want to read all of this, the moral of the story is "My girlfriend doesn't want to share with me which of her friends she's slept with, because it's her past, and I'm being insecure about it. What's your take?" SO..... I started dating this girl about 3.5 months ago. She lives in a very small town she grew up in, and has close ties to other local areas from living there too. The long and short is: she stays friends with people she's slept with (or she's slept with friends, more accurately), which does not bother me too much. I personally don't have that, but that doesn't make it wrong she does. And the ones she isn't exactly "friends" with, still come around. Like I said, small town. Now I've only known her about 6 months, so I don't know a lot of her friends personally, but I have met a few. A lot of her friends are male... which again, I'm an adult and I would never judge someone for that. I like my female friends too! But one time I asked her about this guy who was at the same establishment as us. She goes "oh that's ___, we've been friends for like 20 years." Then she goes off about him, how self centered and arrogant he is, and how no one is good enough for him. Jokingly, I said "Not even the wonderful you?" and she responded "well when I moved back to town, we talked for a bit, and the whole town wanted us to be together, but we tried it and it didn't work." I watched their friendliness for the rest of the evening, and she did come over to me and show me lots of affection and attention, and for some reason I don't understand, I had a gut feeling she wasn't telling me all of it. Later that night, I came to her sounding pretty jealous. "I don't like that guy, I don't like the way he treats you" bla bla bla. I wasn't accurately saying what I was concerned about, which was that she was keeping an intimate detail from me. She said defensively "I told you we tried talking for a short time but it didn't work. He actually ended it with me." Still unfulfilled and at this point feeling a bit insecure about it, I said "Please just be honest. Did you guys sleep together." She said "Yes once." I said "Thanks for finally telling me!" And realizing how the way I came to her about it made her feel defensive, I tried to tell her that I'm sorry for how I approached the topic, that I don't care about your history, but I do care that you kept that information from me. This sent our relationship into an avoidant distant tizzy for almost a month. Finally we reconnect again, have a great conversation about our relationship (not entirely tackling this particular topic). At this point let me note that she's hung out with and mentioned plenty of guys whom I never questioned anything about. Another fella's name showed up, her tattoo artist, and for some reason her friendship with him raised some jealousy(?) in me. Trying to learn from last time, I approached her much more maturely. "Hey, I'm feeling a little insecure and jealous about something and I was hoping we could just talk about it a little bit." She says "Sure, shoot." "That tattoo artist, ____, what's your history with him?" She goes on to tell me how they became friends (through her ex) and how he's done literally all her tattoos, etc. So I ask "Was there anything more between you two?" She said ya, we slept together twice at this one point, and explained a little of the circumstances. I said thank you so so much for sharing that with me, I feel a ton better knowing that now, and I really appreciate you. At first she was just like Ok ya no problem. But as minutes went by, she was continuously more and more bothered by it, shutting down, distancing herself again, and when we discussed that, she was saying how it makes her feel like I'm always questioning her past, and how that shouldn't matter, and she wouldn't want to know that stuff if the rolls were reversed. So am I just being insecure and jealous for wanting to know which of her friends she's slept with? Or is it just personal preference and not an unhealthy desire? Thanks so much!!
mayo88 Posted March 31 Posted March 31 You are being a little insecure about her past. You know she's slept with a few guys which you could just ask in general. I'm sure you have slept with other women. I wouldn't harass her too much about every single guy she's slept with because it's only going to push her away. Just accept she's slept with guys and if anything sus comes out of her like I have feelings blah blah then I'd have a serious chat to her.
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 (edited) No, you aren’t being insecure or jealous simply for wanting to know which of her friends she’s slept with. It’s just that I’m wondering whether you really accept these circumstances, and whether you and your GF are compatible in that respect. Not everyone would be okay with having multiple exes still being in close contact with your partner. And some people wouldn’t be okay with not knowing details about your partner’s past. However, she is clearly not okay with you asking her all those questions. She is bothered by them. So the next time you’ll be wondering whether she’s slept with one of her friends or not, asking her about that won’t be a good option anymore. Are you sure you can continue having this relationship under such conditions? Edited March 31 by Gebidozo
basil67 Posted March 31 Posted March 31 It's totally your prerogative to want to know if she has slept with any of her male friends. It's also her prerogative to not tell you. However, now that the two of you are at the point of having arguments over it, this difference in opinion is becoming unsustainable. You are going to have to figure out if you can accept her as she is....or break up with her
Author anxiouslogger Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 Wow thanks everybody for such nuanced and thoughtful responses! I greatly appreciate it. That’s interesting, because from all the searching I’ve done on forums and even with my therapist, my desire to want to know is pretty reinforced by others. Not that I was looking for validation, and honestly these responses here are exactly what I needed. I guess one thing I look at is how, it seems like a majority of problems that rise from this occasion are “are you ok with her being friends with her ex?” Insinuating that it is known to everyone that that’s their ex. I haven’t seen the conundrum of not even knowing if that’s who that person is to them. And hey if it’s on me, I’m willing to try anything and improve my own health and security. Maybe it is a hard boundary for me, I’m not sure. We’re working on being healthier with each other, so would you classify her view as a “healthy boundary”? She is pretty avoidant-type in other ways, (as I’m anxious, a match made in heaven) so I don’t know if this is just her withdrawal from emotional availability. To me, I’d want my partner to feel secure in what ways they feel it, and I would personally feel very guilty if I was hanging out with an ex lover alone without telling her that. I’m trying to recognize my healthy and unhealthy actions and thoughts, and i really don’t entirely feel like my desire here is entirely healthy, because I can’t really find a healthy reason to want to know. More so insecurity and jealousy maybe. But I also don’t know if her not willing to share that information is healthy either.
flitzanu Posted March 31 Posted March 31 i think this isn't exactly as clear of a line with the information you have been given. you mention info about "being friends with an ex" but these stories don't necessarily make it sound like these are "ex relationships" and more like a couple of random sex events. being in a small town, chances are pretty high that there are dudes in her friend circle that have probably slept with all the girls inside that friend circle, but that doesn't really mean they had some deep heartfelt committed relationship.
Author anxiouslogger Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 47 minutes ago, flitzanu said: i think this isn't exactly as clear of a line with the information you have been given. you mention info about "being friends with an ex" but these stories don't necessarily make it sound like these are "ex relationships" and more like a couple of random sex events. being in a small town, chances are pretty high that there are dudes in her friend circle that have probably slept with all the girls inside that friend circle, but that doesn't really mean they had some deep heartfelt committed relationship. That’s a really good point. I have a hard time personally trying to separate hook ups from feelings. I’ve never done that personally, but I recognize that others do. And I absolutely agree the chances are good of that, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of in the slightest. I really just stem from wanting to be filled in on that knowledge so, like I kinda said originally, I’m not the idiot in the room who doesn’t know they have that history. She’s very upfront about her actual relationship ex. But when it’s the tattoo artist who does a tattoo on her chest, it’s just kinda nice to be filled in. It makes me feel a sorta way thinking that she’s damn near naked, and he’s tattooing her, when just in the last year they both slept together a couple times and did share that intimate experience, and that fact is intentionally kept from me. Unfortunately… I just don’t know what that sorta way is. 1
Gebidozo Posted April 1 Posted April 1 7 hours ago, anxiouslogger said: We’re working on being healthier with each other, so would you classify her view as a “healthy boundary”? I can’t say whether it’s healthy or not, but that would be a boundary that I, personally, wouldn’t accept. I’m fine with my partner communicating with exes, but I need to know who they are. 7 hours ago, anxiouslogger said: To me, I’d want my partner to feel secure in what ways they feel it, and I would personally feel very guilty if I was hanging out with an ex lover alone without telling her that. That is my reasoning as well. 7 hours ago, anxiouslogger said: I’m trying to recognize my healthy and unhealthy actions and thoughts, and i really don’t entirely feel like my desire here is entirely healthy, because I can’t really find a healthy reason to want to know. More so insecurity and jealousy maybe. But I also don’t know if her not willing to share that information is healthy either. But you just explained your reasons above. There is nothing unhealthy about wanting to make your partner feel secure and being ashamed of not telling your partner something. Yes, insecurity and jealousy alone, taken out of context, are unhealthy reasons. But your case isn’t that of irrational insecurities producing irrational jealousy. You don’t feel comfortable knowing your partner is reluctant to share information with you that you consider important.
Author anxiouslogger Posted April 1 Author Posted April 1 Thank you everyone for all of the time you took giving your input. Unfortunately she called me last night and ended the relationship. I won't stop working on myself, and I hope she finds the strength to do the same. I wish you all the best. 1
Gebidozo Posted April 2 Posted April 2 3 hours ago, anxiouslogger said: Thank you everyone for all of the time you took giving your input. Unfortunately she called me last night and ended the relationship. I won't stop working on myself, and I hope she finds the strength to do the same. I wish you all the best. Sorry it didn’t work out. It is probably for the best, since you had different views and boundaries and it would’ve been tough to find a satisfying solution anyway. 1
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