RichardDiv Posted March 30 Posted March 30 Hi, I (40M) have been seeing this woman (40F) for a month now. We began texting each other about two months ago and never missed a day. A few weeks later, we went on our first date. Soon after, we had another date, which made me feel like there was genuine interest on both sides. Since then, we’ve seen each other maybe 15 times, sometimes we spend entire days together and each moment together has been enjoyable. We began kissing on our 5th or 6th date. We also recently had sex. I could really use some advice because theres something that is bugging me and I'm not sure why and how could I solve that. She told me that she wants something simple. I’m naturally an attentive and demonstrative person. I like to compliment, show my interest, and be affectionate. From the start, I’ve given her plenty of compliments. However, I’ve tried not to be too intense in my messages because I know some people can feel suffocated by too much attention too soon. She’s mentioned early on that she hates feeling pressured in any situation, and more recently, when she also told me that she doesn’t want to feel pressured to be affectionate like I am or feel obligated to respond the same way. When we are together in public, she hugs, kiss, hold hand. It's perfect. Between alleys in grocery stores, at restaurants. I love it. She also mentioned that she had talked about me to her mother and two friends, which I take as a good sign that she sees me as someone important in her life, even if nothing is fully defined between us yet. Despite these encouraging signs, she’s also told me that, as an anxious person, she’s sometimes mixed up in her feelings - or one part of her has a foot on the brake pedal. She assured me that I’m giving her back some trust and that she wants to talk to me about her fears when she’s ready. In terms of what we both want, it feels like she’s not necessarily looking for something super serious right away, but more like something that builds gradually over time, with no pressure. On my end, I’m looking for something that can grow into a more serious relationship, but I’m also happy to take it slow and let things unfold at a pace that feels right for both of us. We both seem to be on the same page about wanting something real, but the speed at which we want to get there is different, and I’m trying to navigate that difference without pushing her too fast. I'm getting attached fast. On my end, I’m trying to be present, show her that I’m there for her without overwhelming her or putting pressure on her. I want things to progress naturally, but at the same time, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I constantly feel like I have to watch my actions and words to avoid pushing her away. I also have this fear of giving too much without getting anything in return, or being in a situation where I’m always waiting to see how she feels without ever really knowing where I stand. I simply want to be exclusive. I'd like to be her boyfriend.# So, I’m wondering if I should be more direct and ask her about her fears to try and understand where she’s truly at, or if I should just continue giving her space and see how she evolves on her own. I want to find a balance between being mindful of her pace and making sure that I also feel comfortable in this relationship. While we’re definitely spending time together and enjoying each other’s company, she hasn't expressed any intentions of labeling our relationship just yet. It feels like we're both in a space where we're getting to know each other without any immediate commitments or expectations. But I told her I'm not talking to any other woman - she told me that she is not sharing me (haha) and that she doesn't feel like talking to other men But she referred to me as a single man and herself as a single woman. I don't like that... I told her that I don't feel single in my heart or in my head. Have any of you been through something similar? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your experiences and advice. Thanks in advance!
basil67 Posted March 30 Posted March 30 Whoa Nelly! I understand that you're trying to keep a lid on your feelings, but it sounds like your mind is going at 100mph. I get that it feels wonderful, but keep reminding yourself that it's early days yet. When you told her that you don't feel single in your heart or your head, how did she respond? Have you asked her if she's still seeing others?
Acacia98 Posted March 30 Posted March 30 (edited) It's just been one month, OP. But if I deleted that sentence about how long you'd been seeing each other, I could easily have thought it had been something like 3-5 months. Her sentiments about wanting to take things slow (at least that's my understanding of what you've written) don't sound out of place under the circumstances. However, it doesn't make sense to me that someone who wants things to develop gradually and without pressure would be an equal participant in the intense dating schedule that you both seem to have adopted. I'm guessing she's not very good at setting boundaries and is a bit of a people-pleaser. So her reservations reflect her genuine feelings while her actions seem to say the opposite. If she's calling you a single man and herself a single woman, then perhaps you shouldn't be spending entire days together or having sex for that matter... I always assumed that when two monogamous people chose to have sex, they viewed themselves as an exclusive couple in some kind of relationship... But maybe I'm behind the times. Overall, though, I have to say you are clearly heavily invested. And you are going to get much more invested if you continue seeing each other at the same pace. Meanwhile, she strikes me as the sort of person who will say she wants to take things slow when her actions are communicating something different, and then one day she will pull back very drastically. So I think that, if you don't want to feel blindsided down the road, you might want to slow things down tremendously. If I were in your shoes, I would want to have that conversation about her concerns within the first couple of months. But it's also possible that trying to have the conversation before she initiates it will make her feel "pressured." Edited March 30 by Acacia98
enterthevoid Posted March 30 Posted March 30 Have you had a conversation with her about this? Have you asked what her thoughts are about being exclusive and official? Have you told her in that you'd like to be exclusive?
ShyViolet Posted March 30 Posted March 30 You are trying to rush this relationship and seriously overthinking. You have been seeing her A MONTH. That's so early, all you should be doing now is getting to know each other to find out whether you would be compatible for a longer term relationship. That's it. You don't need to be worrying about putting labels on it or whether she wants something serious or not. You literally do not know each other well enough at this early stage to know any of that. Try to relax and stop overthinking. It would be reasonable to be saying all you are saying at like 5 or 6 months of dating. But now, you are getting way ahead of yourself and letting anxiety take over.
Gebidozo Posted March 30 Posted March 30 I agree with the others. It’s simply too early to label your nascent connection as anything at all. If she still feels single, it’s because you guys literally just began dating. She isn’t even at the stage when she wants to be exclusive, let alone assume the official designation of being your girlfriend. Don’t push her and generally don’t ask too many questions. See how this connection is evolving. If everything is fine after three more months or so, then maybe raise that exclusivity talk.
smackie9 Posted March 30 Posted March 30 She says she has some trauma to tell you sometime....errrrrr, that's a red flag, and a bunch of hot mess coming to the surface possibly. I would be cautious about that. For the love of god, don't turn into a white night and feel you should be her rescuer! Sure people have some kind of baggage but there are those who lug it around because they haven't dealt with it properly....that's concerning. Mine is at the back of the closet collecting dust. In my dating days I never bothered to bring any of that up in depth...I tried my best to start fresh with everyone...clean slate, free, happy and positive. IMO if you want to look good, you need to feel good about life, and about moving forward in a positive light. With her I don't see that. And well it's up to you if and how you want to navigate this. You have the warning signs there....so don't let your excitement/feelings block that. You do you....if that doesn't work then it was never meant to be...and that's the risks you take when dating. You have no control of the outcome, but you do have control to walk away.
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