justagirliegirl Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I guess I am just shaking my head in wonder and frustration. It looks like I might have to end my relationship and it is so dumb and unecesary to me. I was having some doubts as to whether he still loved me when I got here and now I am very sure he loves me very much. He ended his distant thing and has been here with me all the time 247 just like the times before. We have such a wonderful time together. Then something came up to where I might be staying here in his country or have the option to stay and work here and so we had to talk about things. He said that although he loves me very much he doesn't see our relationship lasting forever because of the age difference. He says I will get old and die first and he will be left alone. He said that if we ended he would most likely stay alone as that is how things were before we met and he is used to it and likes it and he said although there is a tiny chance of meeting another but because of his problems, it is very unlikely. He said that if I was just 10 years younger he would be with me forever. I told him that I was alone and not intending on being with anyone before we met and I would probably just stay alone as I enjoy it. Yes, we are both hermits. He said I say that now but probably would as I am beautiful and smart. I said something about ending it if I returned to the US and asked if he wanted to and he asked me what I thought and neither one of us could do it. This is so damn tragic and stupid. People usually break up when they can't get along or someone cheated or something like that. It is tragic to have to end things for something that is so good because of one thing that nobody can change. Another bad thing is that we are absolutely best friends. He was worried about our friendship too as he said he never wanted to lose it. I didn't tell him this but say I did meet someone else later, I seriously doubt any partner would put up with our friendship. It is a very emotionally intimate one. I don't want to lose him as a friend either. So I don't know what to do. He said that he would be glad if I got to stay here in his country. We'd get to see each other more.
Gator762 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 How long have you been seeing each other? It does seem stupid that he would just stay alone... Is that the truth? He basically said he doesn't want to die alone. That isn't consistent. You could remind him women usually live longer then men. My wife and I are ending our marriage. What is really a shame about the whole thing is that we had so much love for each other, and lived years together without any arguements. That is so rare in this world... But she placed her career before me, and let her mind get poisoned by somebody else.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 We have been together 15 months. I think what he meant was he would rather just be alone than go through the heartache of having me around for so many years and then losing me and he would have to carry on quite a few years without me. I understand his thinking. Yeah he is honest, to a fault. lol Yeah he knows that women live longer and I am in good health. He just had a major death in his family too. We didn't end it so he may change his mind later on. Sorry to hear about you and your wife. It really is very rare to have a relationship where people get along like two peas in a pod.
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 what is the difference in age? and are you both quite young?
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 He is 24. I am 43 so 19 years difference.
blind_otter Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I learned with my exHusband that sometimes you can love each other dearly, but that doesn't mean you'll live happily ever after...if the age difference is that much of an issue, why did he get involved with you in the first place?
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Good question. He knew from the very beginning. I laid it all out when we first starting liking each other before we fell in love. I said if you can't deal with this then there is no reason to continue this. I told him this maybe 1-2 months into the relationship but he wanted to continue it. I should ask him that when we talk about these things again.
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 just my take but i think he is too young to know what he wants. age differences can be ok, but if i were you i would consider him a toyboy and look for someone slightly older and more mature, say around 31.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Toyboy is a really offensive word to me. I don't know why people say such things. Yeah he is very young. That is why I give him the benefit of the doubt.
itwontdawnsooner Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 age doesn't always matter, but by the way he is acting he is too young (and read: immature, which is more common at his age than yours) to handle this. 1-2 months into the relationship, the "high" from the start of a relationship is still there so chances of him backing out then are slim to none. from what he said, the age difference bothers him, so even if it doesnt bother you, it does him. its unfortunate, but i dont know that you can really change his mind on this do you think hes going to eventually accept it, does he seem to be doing so?
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 sorry if i offended you but what i meant was that you seem to be taking this relationship more seriously than he is and perhaps you need to detach yourself emotionally somewhat and just enjoy it as a passing but pleasant thing. be more lighthearted about it. don't invest yourself emotionally so much. start looking around at other men too. you're lucky to have a young love and you are probably a knock-out to have such a young guy but he is actually quite clear in what he thinks of the age difference: he said if you were 10 years younger he would be with you forever, right? that means he could get serious about you but there is just too much of a gap. he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it, as much as you'd like to think so. don't take it personally. that doesn't mean you can't enjoy each other or that you are not important to him. but we women tend to always want the guy we are with to be 'the one' even if they don't want to be.
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I think what he meant was he would rather just be alone than go through the heartache of having me around for so many years and then losing me and he would have to carry on quite a few years without me. I understand his thinking. Yeah he is honest, to a fault. lol Yeah he knows that women live longer and I am in good health. He just had a major death in his family too. We didn't end it so he may change his mind later on. he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. he does care about you. But don't put your life on hold. He will probably not change his mind.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 itwontdawnsooner, yeah he seems to be accepting it. I have no idea if he will change his mind on it. He isn't out shopping for other women. He didn't want to break up. cygny, I understand what you are saying. Why do people let things go on so long then? It is painful to become so attached to someone and everything points to something long term and then later oh by the way comes up over something that was known from the very start. I am not going to wait around forever. I did say something about ending it if I returned to the states. LDR is hard enough anyway and obviously there was/is something there for it to last as long as it has. But there comes a time when the LDR has to end. As for seeing other men, sure I am good looking and get approached by men all the time but my other qualities are something most men simply can't deal with and I know from experience they won't. I'm super smart, probably will make a lot more money than they do, enjoy a hermit life style, very independant.
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 cygny, I understand what you are saying. Why do people let things go on so long then? It is painful to become so attached to someone and everything points to something long term and then later oh by the way comes up over something that was known from the very start. you mean why do men let things go so long, don't you? because they have this magical ability to get very comfortable in ongoing sexual relationships without becoming as deeply attached emotionally. Women bond over sex more than men do. It is hormonal and also part of our emotional makeup. It's good that he is honest with you now. I wouldn't do a LDR with him either, just cut it off for awhile until you lose your infatuation with him, then you might be able to keep him as a nice friendship. I think its almost impossible for a woman who is infatuated to just take a step back and settle for what is mainly a sexual relationship with no hope of a future, but if you want that, then go for it.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 lol cygny, I know you are trying to be helpful but the stereotype about it being mainly a sexual relationship just isn't valid. Also the assumption that I am infatuated with him rather than in love with him. lol I couldn't possibly be in love with him for real because of the age difference. I will probably bore everyone with what we have been spending our time on the past week. Laundry, grocery shopping, household chores, paying bills, both of us looking for work, watching movies, talking, playing around with our computers, taking care of each other when we were feeling under the weather, and so on. No 24 hour lovemaking fest going on.
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 hey i always assume its infatuation and sexual. frankly i really don't see much of a difference between that and what most people call love. its not because of the age difference and doesn't mean there isn't an intellectual attraction too. it is just that it is so easy for us women to rationalize that the guy we have strong feelings for/are sleeping with is 'the one' and that we could never possibly meet someone else who is better for us. that is so unrealistic. why do you think that because you are smart etc that no one else could make you feel this way or care about you better than said dude? i'm sure that's not true. i don't really think that just because two people shop for groceries together that they've got something deep, because i do that with my mom too. you feel a deep emotional connection to him. that is true of most women who are convinced they are in love with a guy, even when the guy tells them straight out that there's no chance for marriage, so maybe you are in a stereotype and you don't know it. you're the one who said you might have to end it, right? isn't that because you feel more strongly than him and you won't settle for just a 'relationship' but want marriage? if its that wonderful why not settle for just an ongoing relationship? i assume that is not enough for you. anyway i have had my own toyboy--sorry boyfriend, i say that out of habit these days-- 12 years younger who i thought i was in love with. so i am speaking from experience here not stereotypes. it took awhile but i finally realized that it really would never have worked. the age difference did mean we were going through different stages of life, even as young as i feel and act, in some ways younger than him, so i can see his point. i do know in alot of cases the gap doesn't matter. i am just saying, bottom line is your man said no marriage, the age gap is too great, so just accept it.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 I would hope you have a deep connection with your mom. Yeah I know what he said to me. Neither one of us could end it. Regardless of how I feel about him and he feels about me, if I go back to the us I'll have to end it. Thanks for talking about your situation. I had an 11 year difference with my former husband. He was the older one. It wasn't a good marriage but it lasted 20 years.
cygny Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 yeah i have a deep connection with my mom. i also realize we didn't choose each other but our relationship is an accident of birth, so not sure what that proves. ok so you couldn't end it. not sure why you are posting then. good luck.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 yeah i have a deep connection with my mom. i also realize we didn't choose each other but our relationship is an accident of birth, so not sure what that proves. ok so you couldn't end it. not sure why you are posting then. good luck. No, neither one of us could. I am posting because I wanted to talk it over with people.
cygny Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 ok if you just wanted people to sympathise why didn't you just say so. I am sorry for the tragedy, it really can be very painful.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 I wasn't asking for sympathy. I appreciate your comments but I don't think you understand me and that is ok so I'll just leave it at that.
itwontdawnsooner Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 the reason age differences usually bother people is because, at different ages youre at different places in your life. the common 'stereotype' if you want to call it that, as far as people i know, is a difference of between 1 year and like, 5. youve got a nearly 2 decade difference of time, meaning the page of life youre on right now is completely different. he knows this, and i hope he shows signs of accepting it and you two grow from it, but to most it seems (again, we dont know the whole situation but just from our own life experiences), that the odds are not in your favor. doesnt mean it cant work, just means its more of a risk i suppose. when looking for advise, just realize youre going to hear things you dont want to or didnt expect. or maybe some you did that you refuse to really accept. nobody here i dont think is trying to tell you what to do... but just understand that the age difference is large, hes commented on it before, and unless he's a very mature individual theres always going to be that difference between you two, as far as where you are in life, just from life experience.
cygny Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I wasn't asking for sympathy. I appreciate your comments but I don't think you understand me and that is ok so I'll just leave it at that. well i admit i am a little confused as to your intent--you don't want advice or sympathy so i guess what you want is for us to say this relationship sounds so great especially since he couldn't break it off, maybe he will come around and marry you anyway? it has happened, though the odds are not for that happening...and it sounds like you two do have something special. if that is what you really want, i sincerely hope it happens...it can be very delicious being in a relationship like yours
submart Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 I have a 16 year age gap with my SO. There are MANY others out there, and these relationships can and do work with effort. You and your guy should visit http://www.agelesslove.com there is a whole support network out there.
Author justagirliegirl Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 I have a 16 year age gap with my SO. There are MANY others out there, and these relationships can and do work with effort. You and your guy should visit http://www.agelesslove.com there is a whole support network out there. Thanks! My bf told me about that site maybe a year ago. It is great. I didn't mention that my daughter is also in an ag relationship. There is a 23 year age difference.
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