Dead Bedroom: I am considering sleeping in the spare room

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, Els said:

Interesting, thanks for clarifying! I hope you understand why people are reaching this conclusion, as in your initial post you said:

Generally speaking, in order for someone to be "turned down", it implies that they initiated. But in your case, you did not actually "initiate", if I understand your recent post correctly? And she just said out of the blue that she didn't want to have oral sex because she was grossed out, despite not being asked (or initiated upon in any way)?

That's strange to me, because all men wake up with morning wood if their testosterone is in order, but it's a physiological thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that they want sex immediately - H would be very annoyed if I just assumed that he wanted it, because he has no control over his erections and is expected to be at work in 15 minutes' time, lol. 

So yeah, I daresay that most women don't consider morning wood as a sign that sex is expected or even desired, because most adults simply don't have the time to have morning sex every single day. It would be odd for a woman to wake up, see an erection, and then blurt out that they're not going to be giving a BJ today, honestly. I wonder if she's misconstruing some of your behaviour or words to imply that these things are an expectation of yours (even if they aren't).

Are you open to going to couples counseling together? Besides helping you both work on the dead bedroom together, if you are going to broach the topic of sleeping separately, the counselor can help you communicate your motives for sleeping separately (which I don't consider unjustified). They can also suggest things that you can do together to keep the emotional intimacy going, if the sleeping-together plan is agreed upon.

 

I feel like we're splitting hairs here.  

My partner knows I am up for it any time.  However, there are certain times where it was expected more than others, i.e. it would usually revolve around her work schedule. 

For example, on Mondays she wouldn't work, Thursdays she would start in the afternoon, and every second Saturday morning because she would be rostered on the alternate Saturday.

Basically, when she had time to rest and sleep in, it would happen in the mornings.  We'd wake up together, I'd give her a massage or whatever and the mood would just build naturally.

I either work from home, or I am in another state.  So, when I am home, I have time to cook and do other things around the house and be available to help her with whatever she needs.  

Intimacy was ever rigidly set or scheduled, and I never really "asked".  Everything just happened organically, until it slowly didn't.  And of course she was aware that her waning interest was going to be noticed.

At the end of the day, she has told me it's got nothing to do with me.  I trust her, and I'm not looking to dissect every last detail to forensically examine whether she's 100 percent truthful.  

As for couples counseling - if it came to it, I would exhaust all reasonable options to make the relationship work.  However, I am pretty confident I can communicate my motives and she will understand.

Time will tell, I guess.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

 

Intimacy was ever rigidly set or scheduled, and I never really "asked".  Everything just happened organically, until it slowly didn't.  And of course she was aware that her waning interest was going to be noticed.

I understand what you're saying. All I'm saying is, I think it's a little unusual for a person to just blurt out that they're not in the mood (and in fact so not in the mood that they feel "grossed out by it") without any overt advances from their partner, THREE times in one week. Feeling "your arousal poking her in the back" is not a reason because most men get morning wood regardless of sexual desire.

To me, that's an indicator that there's something worth talking about here. It might not be related to you or things that you are doing - it might be her own perception of things or the weight of societal expectations or whatever.

Seriously, give the couples counseling thing a whirl. It's not something that you pull out when your relationship is at death's door - lots of healthy couples go to counseling.

Edited April 3 by Els