Dead Bedroom: I am considering sleeping in the spare room

[Trail Blazer]

My long-term parter and I have been together since 2019.  We've purchased a house and our relationship has been, for the most part, incredibly good.

In the last six to eight months, however, my SO's libido has experienced a sharp but steadily-decreasing decline.  Her ability to orgasm has diminished, also.

I'm not creating this thread to get suggestions for why.  I am 40 and she is 41.  We've both been in past marriages, we both know we have it good with each other, and we communicate amazingly well.

There are contributing factors towards why, which include her physician suggesting that she may be going through the early stages of perimenopause.  She's still young, but apparently it does happen to women this age.

My partner is very open about her lack of libido.  She has said it has nothing to do with me, or anything I have or haven't done, and it has nothing to do with a lack of attraction towards me, she says.

According to her, she just has a very declining interest, and can't do anything to change it.

According to her, one year ago was the first time she felt like she "didn't want to" when we would routinely make love a few times a week.  When it happened more gradually, her doctor changed her birth control.  Now she is off completely.

Since then, she has made every effort to "assist" me in other ways.  We have still had sex, perhaps once per month, but I've been content for a while with other accommodations she has made.

Just recently, however, even that has started to dwindle.  What used to be an enthusiastic BJ in place of sex, became a "join me in the shower and I'll help you" to, quite recently, a feeling of avoiding the situation altogether.

One month ago (I have been away from home for two weeks working in another state), she turned me down for the third time in a week, and apologized, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't (give you a BJ), it just makes me feel really gross."

I have never pressured her to do anything, and I've always said I want to be part of the solution, not add to the problem.  However, I guess there's only so much "nothing" I can accept before it starts to become problematic at my end.

Before I left for work, we had a candid conversation where she once again reiterated that it's her, not me.  That she loves me a lot, but that she has absolutely zero interest.  She said she will speak with her doctor, as part of her ongoing diagnosis with perimenopause.

I told her that I just want to support her to get her reproductive health sorted.  She said in one of our last conversations, "this isn't something that could be quickly fixed, and it could go on for years."  She then went on to say, "I'm so sorry, I am just broken, you deserve better."

I don't exactly know what to say.  I told her I loved her and we'd work something out.  I told her that her efforts to "help me" were appreciated and that as long as I feel like she is putting in some effort in that regard, I am okay.

In my time away at work, I suppose it has dawned on me that I find it bothersome that I have to initiate.  It feels like I am always reminding her that I have needs, and I can feel the awkwardness of her inability to respond like it is just another chore.

I think the clincher for me was last night, where she came home from work.  We were on Messenger video chat, and she got changed out of her work clothes.  She would often change in front of me and we'd make it a bit fun. 

Last night, though, she changed out of frame when she gor changed.  I said, "you know you don't have to hide" jokingly.  She had this perplexed face, as if it had dawned on her that sex was an actual thing that existed, and said, "Oh god, that is like the last thing I have on my mind."

I was a little miffed by her response, as though the idea of sexual intimacy is something one should recoil in horror at the thought of.  I said, "so nothing has changed since I left" and she said, "sorry, honey, no.  I am just exhausted from my week at work, I need a wine and my book and a long sleep."

Okay, so here is where I come into it.

When I am away at work, I become sexually dormant.  I sleep in a hotel room, or company employee house, depending on where I am stationed.  I work long hours, focus on everything like that, and I get by just fine.

However, when I come home, I have all this pent-up sexual lust, and after not having seen my partner for weeks, well, as a very physically fit man with a high sex drive, I don't have to describe how I feel when I see my partner.

I love her with all my heart.  I find her extremely physically attractive.  I still lust for her like the day we met.  She looks amazing for her age.  Everything.  All the things a man wants in a woman.  Except, she's just losing interest at a rapid rate, and that is having in negative effect on me.

So, I am considering suggesting we sleep in seperate beds when I am home.  Why?  Well, it's certainly not anything intended to be passive aggressive, before anyone says anything.  It's simply to help me sleep, and help me focus on things other than sex when I am at home.

When I go to bed, I want sex.  She is too tired, and needs a lengthy wind-down period to get to sleep.  So, I never initiate at night.  I leave her be, and I stay up in the lounge late enough that I am so tired, I just go to bed and fall asleep.

When I wake up.  Well, sometimes I wake up i  the middle of the night and I am super-horny.  It gets very frustrating.  If I don't, and we wake up as normal, she starts avoiding cuddles by doom scrolling.  I don't want to be rejected, she doesn't want to reject me, but when it's brought up, well, we deal with it and I don't sulk, nor does she get very defensive.

But, should I just stay in the spare room, I would find that I won't be going to bed hopeful, thinking "tonight might be the night".  The caveat being, I know that no night will be the night, and that I can at least sleep, and then wake up in the morning and get out of bed and be productive, rather than pathetically lying there hoping this morning she will throw me a bone.

I am due home on Monday, and plan to have a conversation about this.  I have no idea how she will take it.  It's certainly not ideal, but at this point in time, I don't know how else I can self preserve whilst preventing the frustration that's been slowly creeping in turning into full-blown resentment.

In the mean time, hopefully she will appreciate having the pressure of sex or sexual acts take taken off the table, so that she can focus on her health and getting back to where she needs to be in order for us to maintain a healthy relationship which includes sex.

Make no mistake, a dead bedroom is a deal-breaker long-term.  I see this as a short to medium-term solution to help me deal with my own sexual frustrations, by abstaining from being physically around the woman I love and lust for in the place (bed) where the majority of intimacy is made.

Edited March 29 by Trail Blazer

[basil67]

I'm afraid that I have no solutions.  But just wanted to chime in that I have shared the experience of your partner - I went into menopause in my late 30's and had my last period at 42.  Without all those hormones, my sex drive became like that of a prepubescent child.  HRT helped for a while, but one can't stay on it forever.  

I have not found a solution and it's absolutely devastating.    I am fortunate that my partner has also gone off the boil.   I hope you find some positive answers

Edited March 29 by basil67

[Trail Blazer]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm afraid that I have no solutions.  But just wanted to chime in that I have shared the experience of your partner - I went into menopause in my late 30's and had my last period at 42.  Without all those hormones, my sex drive became like that of a prepubescent child.  HRT helped for a while, but one can't stay on it forever.  

I have not found a solution and it's absolutely devastating.    I am fortunate that my partner has also gone off the boil.   I hope you find some positive answers

That is actually devastating!  You are right.  Thankfully your partner is not all that interested.  It is frustrating to feel like I wish I could just turn my libido off.  As though, it's a bothersome thing to have.

There will be further consultations for my partner, to get to the bottom of what is happening.  Her last period came really late, and she said that she has been feeling angrier and more frustrated in every day life.

If this is what the rest of my life looks like, it sounds very bleak. 😑

[MsJayne]

Sorry you're going through this TB, welcome to the uncomfortable world that millions of frustrated men live in. It does sound like your girl's entering perimenopause and believe it or not it's probably more devastating for her than it is for you. At least you guys are discussing it, for many couples it just becomes a huge elephant in the room. Have you discussed HRT, or has her doctor mentioned it? Some doctors are against it because research indicates it can increase the risk of cancer, but it's something to look into. There also could be under-lying psychological reasons. For some women the onset of this stage of life can feel like the end of any youthfulness, like a light going out, and might trigger a mild depression which can heavily impact desire. Go easy on her, she's not doing it on purpose  . 

[Alpacalia]

I hope you can work it out. When I lost interest in sex with a long-term boyfriend it was because I just wasn't emotionally attracted to him anymore. Her feeling gross by giving you a BJ -- even if you're not pressuring, her own frustration or guilt about not meeting your needs creates anxiety around sex. It turns sexual acts into chores, making her feel used or disconnected, hence the "gross" feeling.

If she’s open to collaboration, there’s hope. If not, you’ll need to decide how much unmet need you can tolerate before the relationship becomes unsustainable.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I hope you can work it out. When I lost interest in sex with a long-term boyfriend it was because I just wasn't emotionally attracted to him anymore. Her feeling gross by giving you a BJ -- even if you're not pressuring, her own frustration or guilt about not meeting your needs creates anxiety around sex. It turns sexual acts into chores, making her feel used or disconnected, hence the "gross" feeling.

If she’s open to collaboration, there’s hope. If not, you’ll need to decide how much unmet need you can tolerate before the relationship becomes unsustainable.

This is a really good point to raise.   I lost all attraction to my ex-h and would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have sex, but I was still horny for my toys and still got the hots for other men.   But with menopause, it's like I'm sexually dead inside.    

For the women in this situation, I think it's really important to understand the difference between loss of attraction and loss of hormones so as to figure out future directions

 

[BaileyB]

Not to minimize the effect of menopause in any way and recognizing that every woman is different… I just wanted to state the opposite - many women experience perimenopause and menopause and still maintain a healthy sex life with their partner. There may be some changes, the frequency may change, she may not initiate as often, you may need to do things a little differently… but, it’s not a given the her interest in sex is going to plummet and the sex is going to completely stop. That has not been my experience at all. 

I would be suspicious about a 42 year old woman who is potentially in the very early stages of perimenopause who has quite suddenly lost all interest in sex. It’s good that she is working with her physician to support her during peri/menopause, but it’s also possible that there may be something more happening for her personally or in the relationship. 

She is clearly avoiding all things that may lead to sex - including changing in front of you.

Her comment that she is “exhausted from my week at work, I need a wine and my book and a long sleep” is interesting to me - her plan to recharge doesn’t involve spending time with you in any way. What about Saturday night? If you give her Friday, would she be interested if you took her out for dinner or planned a special evening on Saturday? Do you spend time together doing other things? The fact that she is no longer interested in helping you out doesn’t surprise me, to be honest. If she has decided not to be sexual anymore, she’s not going to be motivated to help you out in that way… it would feel like a chore to be avoided and “gross.” 

Edited March 30 by BaileyB

[The Big Leon]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Not to minimize the effect of menopause in any way and recognizing that every woman is different… I just wanted to state the opposite - many women experience perimenopause and menopause and still maintain a healthy sex life with their partner. There may be some changes, the frequency may change, she may not initiate as often, you may need to do things a little differently… but, it’s not a given the her interest in sex is going to plummet and the sex is going to completely stop. That has not been my experience at all. 

I would be suspicious about a 42 year old woman who is potentially in the very early stages of perimenopause who has quite suddenly lost all interest in sex. It’s good that she is working with her physician to support her during peri/menopause, but it’s also possible that there may be something more happening for her personally or in the relationship. 

She is clearly avoiding all things that may lead to sex - including changing in front of you.

Her comment that she is “exhausted from my week at work, I need a wine and my book and a long sleep” is interesting to me - her plan to recharge doesn’t involve spending time with you in any way. What about Saturday night? If you give her Friday, would she be interested if you took her out for dinner or planned a special evening on Saturday? Do you spend time together doing other things? The fact that she is no longer interested in helping you out doesn’t surprise me, to be honest. If she has decided not to be sexual anymore, she’s not going to be motivated to help you out in that way… it would feel like a chore to be avoided and “gross.” 

Yup, I agree 100%. The fact that she doesn't include him in any of her plans it’s crazy to me. 

Is there something going on there that he's not telling us to the why she's trying to avoid him?! 

[Trail Blazer]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I hope you can work it out. When I lost interest in sex with a long-term boyfriend it was because I just wasn't emotionally attracted to him anymore.

Hmmm.  Well, she has categorically stated that her issues have nothing to do with losing any kind of attraction to me.  Are you suggesting she is not being 100 percent honest?

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

-- even if you're not pressuring, her own frustration or guilt about not meeting your needs creates anxiety around sex. It turns sexual acts into chores, making her feel used or disconnected, hence the "gross" feeling.

If she’s open to collaboration, there’s hope. If not, you’ll need to decide how much unmet need you can tolerate before the relationship becomes unsustainable.

Yes, I completely agree with the second paragraph, insofar as that has been how I've interpreted it from her side of things.

As for "collaboration", what do you mean by that?

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

This is a really good point to raise.   I lost all attraction to my ex-h and would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have sex, but I was still horny for my toys and still got the hots for other men.   But with menopause, it's like I'm sexually dead inside.    

For the women in this situation, I think it's really important to understand the difference between loss of attraction and loss of hormones so as to figure out future directions

 

As per my response to the previous poster, my SO doesn't appear to be confused about her understanding of what the issue is.  She said it has nothing to do with me, it's her.  I can only take her on her word.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Not to minimize the effect of menopause in any way and recognizing that every woman is different… I just wanted to state the opposite - many women experience perimenopause and menopause and still maintain a healthy sex life with their partner. 

Yes.  And this is my hope, that we can maintain a healthy sex life.  How that will happen, I do not know.  I plan to have a talk when I am back from California on Monday.

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

There may be some changes, the frequency may change, she may not initiate as often, you may need to do things a little differently… but, it’s not a given the her interest in sex is going to plummet and the sex is going to completely stop. That has not been my experience at all. 

She has not initiated for quite some time.  Receptive, yes.  However, initiating... well, I cannot remember the last time that happened.  It was well and truly before any obvious hormonal issues arose.

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I would be suspicious about a 42 year old woman who is potentially in the very early stages of perimenopause who has quite suddenly lost all interest in sex. It’s good that she is working with her physician to support her during peri/menopause, but it’s also possible that there may be something more happening for her personally or in the relationship. 

Just to clarify, she's 41, but that doesn't invalidate your point all.  I wouldn't say that it has she has suddenly lost all interest in sex.  It has been gradual, but it seems to slowly but exponentially decreasing.

She has not had anything affect her in her personal life as far as I am aware.  She's been a little more stressed at work, but nothing that I could realistically attribute to a loss of libido. 

Same goes with our relationship - she has not stated anything, or suggested I have done or not done anything, as I stated in my OP.  So, unless she is not being completely honest, I just can't even go down paths that do not warrant going down.

The only issues she has had, is other symptoms that she and her physician have attributed to merimenopause.  She's been getting headaches more frequently, the odd hot flashes and has experienced bouts of intermittent brain fog.

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Her comment that she is “exhausted from my week at work, I need a wine and my book and a long sleep” is interesting to me - her plan to recharge doesn’t involve spending time with you in any way. What about Saturday night? If you give her Friday, would she be interested if you took her out for dinner or planned a special evening on Saturday? Do you spend time together doing other things? 

Okay, so I do think you may have missed some critical information in my opening post.  When she said that, it was while we were talking on Messenger video chat.  I am not in Oregon, I have been in California for three weeks. 

I work away a lot, I am frequently in California, Texas or even off shore in the Gulf of Mexico (or Gulf of America if you're reading, Donald).  This has been a working arrangement I have had well before we started dating, and it's never posed an issue.

We were talking on video chat for over an hour, and mostly about just normal things.  She had just done a 14 hour day, and performed an emergency surgery which blew out her shift by three hours, so it's hardly surprising that she said what she did.

Which leads me on to the this bit...

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

She is clearly avoiding all things that may lead to sex - including changing in front of you.

As I stated in my OP, she was out of frame when she got changed.  I don't think she was deliberately out of frame, but she nonetheless was, and I'd jestfully suggested she didn't need to be. 

In previous times when she hadn't, it would sometimes segue into other risque dialogue and go on from there.

The point I was trying to illustrate was that when I suggested she didn't need to be, her reaponse was such that even the mere idea of anything sexual wasn't just the furthermost thought on her mind, but that bringing it to her attention inadvertently exposed how unappealing the notion was.

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Do you spend time together doing other things? The fact that she is no longer interested in helping you out doesn’t surprise me, to be honest. If she has decided not to be sexual anymore, she’s not going to be motivated to help you out in that way… it would feel like a chore to be avoided and “gross.” 

Yes, we do spend time doing many things.  When I am not at away working, I am home most of the time.  My employer has no office in my city, so any work I do when I am not on the road is done so from home.

I cook for her and do things while I am at home.  We go out a lot and eat at nice restaurants or cafes frequently.  We grab a coffee sometimes when I go to her work.  We had Valentine's Day lunch at a winery.

You get the picture.

As for you last sentence, it's not so much that she has decided to not be sexual.  I don't agree that this kind of framing accurately portrays the situation.  It is that she's simply lost all organic interest. 

It is her receptivity to my advances which is where the issues lie.  It's gone from sex, to sexual acts because she no longer cums, to a waning enthusiasm to the point where she's actually saying "next time" or "tomorrow" or the like.

 

[Trail Blazer]

56 minutes ago, The Big Leon said:

Yup, I agree 100%. The fact that she doesn't include him in any of her plans it’s crazy to me. 

Is there something going on there that he's not telling us to the why she's trying to avoid him?! 

I'm not really sure how you arrived at either of these conclusions based on what I wrote. 🤔

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Okay, so I do think you may have missed some critical information in my opening post.  When she said that, it was while we were talking on Messenger video chat.  I am not in Oregon, I have been in California for three weeks. 

My apology, I didn’t realize that you were away when she made that comment. 

[introverted1]

Speaking from experience, I had a huge increase in libido in my 40s.  I understand that not every woman responds the same way to peri-menopause but if in fact your gf's drop in desire is entirely a result of hormonal changes and not anything to do with the relationship itself or other issues, then you are looking at the end of your sex life with her, unless she is open to medical intervention.  Things for sure are not going to get better after actual menopause. 

On 3/28/2025 at 8:08 PM, Trail Blazer said:

She said in one of our last conversations, "this isn't something that could be quickly fixed, and it could go on for years."  She then went on to say, "I'm so sorry, I am just broken, you deserve better."

This sounds like a variation of "it's not you, it's me" and the statement about you deserving better sounds as though she is considering ending things.  I hope I am wrong about this.

[ShyViolet]

On 3/28/2025 at 8:08 PM, Trail Blazer said:

In the mean time, hopefully she will appreciate having the pressure of sex or sexual acts take taken off the table, so that she can focus on her health and getting back to where she needs to be in order for us to maintain a healthy relationship which includes sex.

This here stands out as a red flag, and out of touch on your part.  Her loss of sex drive is not some health problem that can necessarily be "cured".  You need to understand that a lot of women at this age lose their sex drive, it's very common, and it often does not come back.  This is a possibility with your partner.  I am a 43 year old woman and trust me.... I know.  

You need to start thinking about what you want to do if her sex drive does not come back.  I'm sure you wouldn't be ok with living a sexless life for the rest of your life.  So what are your options?  Bringing up the subject of opening up the relationship?  Or perhaps simply going your separate ways?  You'll just need to think about this.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

As per my response to the previous poster, my SO doesn't appear to be confused about her understanding of what the issue is.  She said it has nothing to do with me, it's her.  I can only take her on her word.

So take her word for now.

First, let’s talk about that spare room idea. I get it—sleeping separately isn’t about punishment or distance. It’s about survival. When you’re lying there next to someone you’re crazy about, but they’re emotionally (and physically) a million miles away, it’s like slow torture. You’re not wrong for wanting to protect yourself from that nightly hope-then-crash cycle. But here’s the thing: How you frame this conversation matters. If you walk in and say, “I’m sleeping in the guest room,” it’ll sound like rejection. Instead, try something like: “I’ve been thinking—what if we tried something temporary? When I’m home, maybe I crash in the spare room for a bit. Not because I don’t want to be near you, but because I think it might help me chill out about… well, everything. And maybe give you space to breathe, too.” Make it clear this isn’t a verdict on your relationship—it’s a time-out for both of you to reset.

When your body starts betraying you—suddenly drier than the Sahara down there, or sex feeling about as appealing as a dental appointment—it’s easy to feel like a stranger in your own skin. She might not just be avoiding you; she’s avoiding the reminder that her body isn’t cooperating anymore.

Meanwhile, kill the “accommodations.” Seriously. The BJs in the shower, the half-hearted “helping out”—that stuff is poison now. It’s turning intimacy into a chore list, and neither of you will survive that. Instead, reboot how you connect. Watch a terrible movie and laugh about it. Cook a stupidly complicated recipe together. Give her a back rub with zero expectation of it leading anywhere. Relearn how to be friends who choose each other, not roommates stuck in a standoff.

For your own sanity—get a grip on the resentment before it gets a grip on you. Work out like a maniac. Take up woodworking. Write terrible poetry. Do whatever lets you sweat out the frustration. And set a mental deadline: “If nothing changes in six months, we’re having the big talk.” Not an ultimatum, but a reality check. Can you live like this forever? If the answer’s no, start preparing your heart now. It’s kinder than letting bitterness eat you alive.

When she says, “You deserve better,” don’t just brush it off. Look her in the eye and say, “I chose you. But I need you to choose us, too. That means fighting for this—doctors, therapy, whatever it takes. If we’re both all-in, we’ll figure it out. But I can’t be the only one trying.”

Bottom line: This sucks. But you’re not powerless. Either you’ll navigate it together, or you’ll realize it’s a dead end. Either way, you’ll survive. Just don’t let the waiting turn you into a ghost of yourself. Keep living—with or without her.

[Trail Blazer]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Speaking from experience, I had a huge increase in libido in my 40s.  I understand that not every woman responds the same way to peri-menopause but if in fact your gf's drop in desire is entirely a result of hormonal changes and not anything to do with the relationship itself or other issues, then you are looking at the end of your sex life with her, unless she is open to medical intervention.  Things for sure are not going to get better after actual menopause. 

That is my concern.

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

This sounds like a variation of "it's not you, it's me" and the statement about you deserving better sounds as though she is considering ending things.  I hope I am wrong about this.

I have absolutely no reason to believe that she intends to end things.  I think she's upset/frustrated that she has totally lost desire.

She's not stupid.  She knows it's an issue if she has no desire.  If she wanted to end things, I have no doubt that she would talk about that to me.

This is not one of those clichè movie lines.  We have a very good relationship and we're grown adults who have been through many of lifes ups and downs and both value good communication.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This here stands out as a red flag, and out of touch on your part.  Her loss of sex drive is not some health problem that can necessarily be "cured".  You need to understand that a lot of women at this age lose their sex drive, it's very common, and it often does not come back.  This is a possibility with your partner.  I am a 43 year old woman and trust me.... I know.  

You need to start thinking about what you want to do if her sex drive does not come back.  I'm sure you wouldn't be ok with living a sexless life for the rest of your life.  So what are your options?  Bringing up the subject of opening up the relationship?  Or perhaps simply going your separate ways?  You'll just need to think about this.

How is it a red flag that I find the idea of celibacy forced upon me?  I think it's a red flag if any woman thinks it would be.  

I have been doing a lot of "understanding" recently, since this has become an issue in my relationship, so my research on the topic has enlightened me to these issues.

I have been thinking about "what if" her sex drive never comes back.  It will ultimately be a deal-breaker.  There is nothing that can change that.

In the mean time, I am prepared to do everything I can to give her as much time to explore all the options she has, medically and whatever else.

I think my partner is smart enough to know that ultimately it's a deal-breaker.  I think in some ways she's in a little bit of a panic about that idea.  She is very happy otherwise in the relationship.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So take her word for now.

First, let’s talk about that spare room idea. I get it—sleeping separately isn’t about punishment or distance. It’s about survival. When you’re lying there next to someone you’re crazy about, but they’re emotionally (and physically) a million miles away, it’s like slow torture. You’re not wrong for wanting to protect yourself from that nightly hope-then-crash cycle. But here’s the thing: How you frame this conversation matters. If you walk in and say, “I’m sleeping in the guest room,” it’ll sound like rejection. Instead, try something like: “I’ve been thinking—what if we tried something temporary? When I’m home, maybe I crash in the spare room for a bit. Not because I don’t want to be near you, but because I think it might help me chill out about… well, everything. And maybe give you space to breathe, too.” Make it clear this isn’t a verdict on your relationship—it’s a time-out for both of you to reset.

You are correct, that is exactly how it feels and this is also how I intend to broach the topic.

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When your body starts betraying you—suddenly drier than the Sahara down there, or sex feeling about as appealing as a dental appointment—it’s easy to feel like a stranger in your own skin. She might not just be avoiding you; she’s avoiding the reminder that her body isn’t cooperating anymore.

Meanwhile, kill the “accommodations.” Seriously. The BJs in the shower, the half-hearted “helping out”—that stuff is poison now. It’s turning intimacy into a chore list, and neither of you will survive that. Instead, reboot how you connect. Watch a terrible movie and laugh about it. Cook a stupidly complicated recipe together. Give her a back rub with zero expectation of it leading anywhere. Relearn how to be friends who choose each other, not roommates stuck in a standoff.

Well, yeah.  I think I have conveyed in my posts that it has dawned on me that sex and sexual favors are all one-way and she's not enjoying them.  Hence, the whole sleeping in seperate rooms.

Things have not been going on like this for such a long time that we need how to re-learn how to be friends.  And I have also given her back rubs wothout expectations in the past.

We have watched movies or Netflix or whatever together.  However, just recently she's seemed more tired and has favored reading a book over watching TV. 

I can't exactly force change when I'm respecting how she seeks to relax and unwind.  I know you are not suggesting I am, but I am trying to illustrate the sometimes limited scope I have to change the mood.

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

For your own sanity—get a grip on the resentment before it gets a grip on you. Work out like a maniac. Take up woodworking. Write terrible poetry. Do whatever lets you sweat out the frustration. And set a mental deadline: “If nothing changes in six months, we’re having the big talk.” Not an ultimatum, but a reality check. Can you live like this forever? If the answer’s no, start preparing your heart now. It’s kinder than letting bitterness eat you alive.

When she says, “You deserve better,” don’t just brush it off. Look her in the eye and say, “I chose you. But I need you to choose us, too. That means fighting for this—doctors, therapy, whatever it takes. If we’re both all-in, we’ll figure it out. But I can’t be the only one trying.”

Bottom line: This sucks. But you’re not powerless. Either you’ll navigate it together, or you’ll realize it’s a dead end. Either way, you’ll survive. Just don’t let the waiting turn you into a ghost of yourself. Keep living—with or without her.

I don't think I have conveyed a lack of ability to keep a grip on resentment.  I don't think I have ever said "I am resentful" at all.  I am not, but I am definitely concerned, and it's definitely not been easy for me.  But, I have a decent grip on my emotions.

Sleeping in seperate beds is what I hope will help me focus more on things for me.  Like, waking up and getting out of bed, as opposed to lying there waiting for her to wake up and hoping she won't grab her phone and convey a lack of interest in any intimacy.

I already "work out like a maniac".  I am fit and very healthy for me age.  I do martial arts (Judo and BJJ) in my time home - I have many things I get into which helps me focus on myself and not get bogged down in any of life's issues, not just relationship issues.

[ShyViolet]

34 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

How is it a red flag that I find the idea of celibacy forced upon me?  I think it's a red flag if any woman thinks it would be.  

No, no no.  You misunderstand what I meant.  I don't think celibacy should be forced upon you at all, and I'm not saying you should just accept that and live the rest of your life like that.

I meant that some of your comments about what's going on with her sound like you have inaccurate understandings about it.  When you say things like "she needs to deal with her health and get back to where she needs to be."  I personally think that's out of touch with reality, as a 43 year old woman myself who can relate very much to what is going on with her.  You make it sound as if her doctor can diagnose her with a health problem, and cure it, and then she'll be back to how she used to be sexually.  It very well may be that she's perfectly healthy, tests are normal, and her doctors won't be able to pinpoint anything, and so this is just how she is now.  And so if that's the case, you'll just need to make a choice at that point.  Perimenopause is not a "health problem" to "fix".  Anymore than puberty is a "health problem".  It is a stage of life, and for a lot of women it manifests as a loss of libido.

Also, when she said "you deserve better" it sounds like that was her way of acknowledging that she knows she can't give you what you need in this relationship.

Edited March 30 by ShyViolet

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

No, no no.  You misunderstand what I meant.  I don't think celibacy should be forced upon you at all, and I'm not saying you should just accept that and live the rest of your life like that.

I meant that some of your comments about what's going on with her sound like you have inaccurate understandings about it.  When you say things like "she needs to deal with her health and get back to where she needs to be."  I personally think that's out of touch with reality, as a 43 year old woman myself who can relate very much to what is going on with her.  You make it sound as if her doctor can diagnose her with a health problem, and cure it, and then she'll be back to how she used to be sexually.  It very well may be that she's perfectly healthy, tests are normal, and her doctors won't be able to pinpoint anything, and so this is just how she is now.  And so if that's the case, you'll just need to make a choice at that point.  Perimenopause is not a "health problem" to "fix".  Anymore than puberty is a "health problem".  It is a stage of life, and for a lot of women it manifests as a loss of libido.

Also, when she said "you deserve better" it sounds like that was her way of acknowledging that she knows she can't give you what you need in this relationship.

I could have perhaps worded it better.  I understand there is so much nuance to menopause, and it Is not like a transient virus that will go away with rest and some medication or some bacterial infection where enough antibiotics will generally fix it.  Yes, I understand this is different.

I do agree that she said it in that sense that she can't give me what I need (right now and perhaps ever again).  I don't know what I am supposed to do if she truly believes that.  Perhaps what I am doing is what I need to do, and that is ultimately leading down a path where the destination is still unknown, but most probably lead to a crossroad.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I’m sorry you are in this position. I can relate to her experience but it hit me at around 50 (am 59 now). At the time my marriage was failing for other reasons, unbeknownst to me. My lack of interest in sex was pretty intense as others have described. It certainly did not help the marriage survive. 

For context, I am extremely healthy, same weight as high school (good genes but I workout and have a clean diet, no drugs or alcohol, no prescriptions). I personally have no interest in HRT, given that I am healthy, energetic and happy and my other symptoms with menopause were minimal. I feel free and light - not old and aged or devastated by the change in my body. It’s probably hard to understand but it’s true.

I hope things can work between you two. I agree that a sexless relationship is not something you should settle for long term either. 

I understand why using the second bedroom makes sense for the reasons cited. She may feel more at ease with that too. However, I think it will further distance you from each other and facilitate the demise of the relationship.

Wishing you the best - it’s a very tough situation.

 

 

Edited March 31 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[Els]

I don't necessarily see sleeping separately as a major issue if she is okay with it. Lots of couples, especially older couples, sleep separately for various reasons (CPAP machines sound awful, for one).

The problem here is that you are doing it as a way of avoiding intimacy (I'm talking about emotional intimacy, not sexual) - which likely means that all the steps that these couples typically take to maintain intimacy while sleeping separately, like non-sexual cuddling before they go to separate rooms for the night, are also off the table. Is this correct? In that case, I agree with the poster who said that you'd be hastening the demise of our relationship.

As for the dead bedroom issue itself, you're not going to like what I'm going to say. I'll preface it by saying that I have a good sex life with my partner of 16 years and I have nothing to gain from being harsh towards you - I'm only saying this because you've been around this place for a long time and I want to help you.

So, unfortunately it sounds to me like you are steering your sex life to the point where even IF she ever managed to get her hormones into a place where she felt sexual desires physically, you may have created enough of a rift that your sex life may not be reparable. The worst thing you can do for your sex life is to make your partner feel like it's an obligation, yet you're doing this repeatedly. She has been regularly "servicing" you when she's not in the mood for a whole year - that's bad enough in itself, but when she had a bad week, you requested this THREE times??? 

I'm sorry, but you're just driving the nail into the coffin here. I'm a woman with a high sex drive and that sort of behaviour would 100% turn me off a partner and probably make me reconsider the relationship. At this point sex is most definitely a chore for her, because you're making it feel like one.

[Trail Blazer]

11 hours ago, Els said:

I don't necessarily see sleeping separately as a major issue if she is okay with it. Lots of couples, especially older couples, sleep separately for various reasons (CPAP machines sound awful, for one).

The problem here is that you are doing it as a way of avoiding intimacy (I'm talking about emotional intimacy, not sexual) - which likely means that all the steps that these couples typically take to maintain intimacy while sleeping separately, like non-sexual cuddling before they go to separate rooms for the night, are also off the table. Is this correct? In that case, I agree with the poster who said that you'd be hastening the demise of our relationship.

 

 

Well, I haven't started sleeping in a sperate bed yet.  I had planned to explain why it would be better for me ilro do so, but also that if she ever wanted or felt like intimacy she knows where I am.

It's not at all as though I wish to take intimacy off the table.  Cuddling on the couch, watching TV together - nothing will change as far as I am concerned.  Sleeping in seperate beds to help me manage thing is the objective.

11 hours ago, Els said:

As for the dead bedroom issue itself, you're not going to like what I'm going to say. I'll preface it by saying that I have a good sex life with my partner of 16 years and I have nothing to gain from being harsh towards you - I'm only saying this because you've been around this place for a long time and I want to help you.

He's a very, very lucky man.

11 hours ago, Els said:

So, unfortunately it sounds to me like you are steering your sex life to the point where even IF she ever managed to get her hormones into a place where she felt sexual desires physically, you may have created enough of a rift that your sex life may not be reparable. The worst thing you can do for your sex life is to make your partner feel like it's an obligation, yet you're doing this repeatedly. She has been regularly "servicing" you when she's not in the mood for a whole year - that's bad enough in itself, but when she had a bad week, you requested this THREE times??? 

I'm sorry, but you're just driving the nail into the coffin here. I'm a woman with a high sex drive and that sort of behaviour would 100% turn me off a partner and probably make me reconsider the relationship. At this point sex is most definitely a chore for her, because you're making it feel like one.

It has not been one full year where she just woke up and has had zero interest in sex.  It was about one year ago where I noticed the start of her gradual decline.  Prior to that, it was almost always two-three times per week.

What I think people are failing to understand with my situation is that I am not asking her to do anything in lieu of what was two or three timesper week.  It's not at all like "I have been declined for a year but I keep trying" like a ham-fisted buffoon.

As her interest in intercourse had started to decline, she would help me in other ways of her own volition to make up the shortfall of what was otherwise a routine quantity of sex.  I was up for it, as per usual, she wasn't, but seemlessly volunteered to assist, willingly and enthusiastically.

So, I shall reiterate, that the three times in a week was not me asking her.  It was not me even broaching the topic.  It's pretty obvious for a woman to know when her man wakes up aroused, so those times were all her being on the front foot and stating from the outset that she has no interest.

All the way through from the last year of dwindling interest until now, she has set the tone and I have followed.  As I stated in my OP, I have never pressured her, not even once, but I can't 100 percent speak as to whether she has felt perceived pressure by the simple fact that I wake up aroused and so it's obvious that I am up for it.

What I am trying to convey is that it's never been my intention to pressure her and I have told her on many occasions I would never want to make her feel obligated.  She has thanked me for my understanding in the past, and I believe that has been a contributing factor as to why she has (up until recently) made an effort to assist me in other ways for so long.

I hope that this makes sense and dispels a few incorrect perceptions about my situation. 

Please understand my view; I believe that she's simply reached a tipping point where she's so turned off by the idea of anything sexual, that no amount of goodwill I've generated by being patient will change the feeling of it being "gross".

Humor me and assume that everything I've said and done has not impacted her sexual desire and it has been only her hormones that is affecting things.  I mean, that is the feedback she has given me, so why is there a need to keep doubling back to something I've done wrong?

But I digress...

Assuming that I have done nothing wrong, what would you have me do?  She doesn't initiate anymore - not in the last couple of months - and so I of course go along with it.  I don't sulk or make her feel bad.  But, it’s driving me crazy inside, and I am really struggling with unmet sexual urges.

That is where I sit.  And so, I think now, not one thought about how I can make her rediscover her desire - that would be stupid as I've been told it's not about me - but how I can best manage my own urges without upsetting her too much.

By extricating myself from the situation where I am going to show the most obvious signs of sexual arousal, removes that perceived pressure on her which I speculated about earlier, whilst helping me not generate the urges over a course of the night sleeping and cuddling next to her.

The point of the thread is to convey to her just that, and do so with the intention that I provide every opportunity for her to have time to get things sorted, without the pressure of my obvious arousal, sometimes literally prodding her in the back, while I'm still sleeping.

For mine, I think it's a very reasonable solution to the issue I'm facing.  In lieu of a better option, I don't see anything else I can do in the short-term.  And, if it means that things decline further, well, so be it.  Once again, I am not really sure what else can be expected from me?

 

[Els]

13 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, I shall reiterate, that the three times in a week was not me asking her.  It was not me even broaching the topic.  It's pretty obvious for a woman to know when her man wakes up aroused, so those times were all her being on the front foot and stating from the outset that she has no interest.

Interesting, thanks for clarifying! I hope you understand why people are reaching this conclusion, as in your initial post you said:

Quote

she turned me down for the third time in a week,

Generally speaking, in order for someone to be "turned down", it implies that they initiated. But in your case, you did not actually "initiate", if I understand your recent post correctly? And she just said out of the blue that she didn't want to have oral sex because she was grossed out, despite not being asked (or initiated upon in any way)?

That's strange to me, because all men wake up with morning wood if their testosterone is in order, but it's a physiological thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that they want sex immediately - H would be very annoyed if I just assumed that he wanted it, because he has no control over his erections and is expected to be at work in 15 minutes' time, lol. 

So yeah, I daresay that most women don't consider morning wood as a sign that sex is expected or even desired, because most adults simply don't have the time to have morning sex every single day. It would be odd for a woman to wake up, see an erection, and then blurt out that they're not going to be giving a BJ today, honestly. I wonder if she's misconstruing some of your behaviour or words to imply that these things are an expectation of yours (even if they aren't).

Are you open to going to couples counseling together? Besides helping you both work on the dead bedroom together, if you are going to broach the topic of sleeping separately, the counselor can help you communicate your motives for sleeping separately (which I don't consider unjustified). They can also suggest things that you can do together to keep the emotional intimacy going, if the sleeping-together plan is agreed upon.

 

Edited April 2 by Els