BlahBlahQueen Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Two weeks, man! Two measly weeks and he shows his true colors. Turns out to be just a more introverted version of my second husband. Trying to change me already. Trying to tell me how to act, how to dress, how to speak, who to talk to... all the while being pseudo-apologetic about it, saying it's his issue, his own flaw he needs to work on, this discomfort with the way I am because he's "not used to women like me"... but then going back on his own words with more demands for change. Mr. Wonderful admits that in all his relationships he's filled the "teacher" role, and the woman the "student"... and that I frustrate him because he's not used to a strong-willed woman... but then, more demands still! Hello, dude, I told you from the get-go that I accept you as I found you, and that I expect the same courtesy; you told me you'd never EVER try to change a THING about me... haha, the lies we tell during the buzz of newness. I accept that compromise is a necessary part of any relationship, but this is too much! This is scary and jolts me back to reality in a heartbeat. If he has this many serious demands this early on, imagine what he'll evolve into a couple of years down the road. Thank God I found this out sooner rather than later. Second husband didn't make it obvious until after we were married. Well, sorry to rant and rave like this, guys, but I JUST got home just now from this disastrous and epiphanic date. Now, tell me if I'm insane for feeling this way. Be honest. If I'm nuts, just tell me. I won't be offended.
FWIW Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Dump him, quick! It is NOT 'true love' by any stretch of the imagination, no matter how much it feels good in other departments.. so move on and give yourself a better chance of happiness! Good luck
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 But oh my f***ing god, it was so perfect!!! I can't believe I'm crashing down from the most amazing high of my entire freaking LIFE!!!! I was so in love... for once in my life my soul was laid bare and the cool breeze against it felt so good... I trusted, I actually BELIEVED again... after all I've been through I actually believed again. This is what I get. More pain and more tears and having to face reality when the man of my freaking DREAMS turns out to be just that, a dream after all. I have the uncontrollable urge to call him, tell him he was right and I was wrong, just so I can feel the high again, just at least until it wears off by itself, and then move on... does this sound like a good idea? Please oh please justify me, because I really can't resist it. Who knows, maybe he's not as bad as I'm making him out to be. Maybe I'm overreacting because I've been mangled so badly in the past.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Screw it, maybe I can just talk to him about it today. I'm starting to think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I can't just up and let him go without knowing I didn't try first.
barfool Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I'm starting to think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. No! Since you've had disastrous relationships with this type of behavior before then you are recognizing the warning signs and are totally in the right. I'm not saying you should completely give up on him. I don't know if this kind of behavior is curable if caught early on, but at least you can try. Just tell him honestly about these things you have been noticing and that you will not tolerate it. If he makes some demand then tell him that you are your own woman and will do as you see fit. If he can't deal with it then get rid of him. Good luck!
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Just tell him honestly about these things you have been noticing and that you will not tolerate it. If he makes some demand then tell him that you are your own woman and will do as you see fit. Did that. That was what the whole argument was about. Promises have already been made, dreams built, hearts surrendered by both parties (I know you're thinking, "In two weeks?!" But it's been an intense and whirlwind two weeks, with constant contact, days on end spent sleeping over, and nonstop deep conversation.) Now he says he feels betrayed because I "don't find the relationship worth changing for". To quote him roughly, "You're willing to run away to France with me but won't change X, Y and Z...?" Well, sure I am! Running away to France doesn't entail losing myself in the process! When I gave him the "I'm my own woman" diatribe, he retorted with, "See, to you it's about you. To me it's about US." Well Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, man, I can value our relationship and make compromises and still maintain a personal identity separate from our union, can't I? Bottom line: he feels people should change for their relationships. I feel differently. To me, the dating pool is an as-is sale. You take them the way you found them, no warranty. You don't like them? Then don't buy them. I heard someone once say that men go into relationships hoping the woman won't change, while women go into it hoping the man WILL. My experience has been the polar opposite of that. I'm always the one hoping they'll stay the same rockin' dudes they were when I met them, and they're always the ones who nitpick things about me that just gotta go. But sadly, they ALWAYS change and I NEVER do. Maybe I'm a closet bulldyke. Hope now that he's slept on it he can see where I'm coming from, because it seems all our words to each other last night were falling on deaf ears, as if we had forcefields up against each other. The thing is, I'd like to give his point of view a shot too, but honestly it seems a bit outlandish, considering that I've already made several significant, out-of-character adjustments for him and he still acts as if I'm not willing to give a thing. How much does he want from me, exactly? When is enough enough?
alphamale Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 for once in my life my soul was laid bare and the cool breeze against it felt so good... were you physically naked also BLAH BLAH??? If so, are there any pictures?
lilmoma1973 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Why is he trying to change you? When you are in a relationship and meet someone and try to change them ,and try to make them what you want them to be nine times out of ten it won't work... We are all individuals and we can't always be alike if that was the case then the theory opposites atttact would be shot to sh@@!!! Dump him he is too controlling noone will tell me how to dress... Good luck
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 were you physically naked also BLAH BLAH??? If so, are there any pictures? That too, obviously No pictures yet, which is part of why I'm thinking of patching things up. Can't leave without a few good pics, now can I.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 That too, obviously No pictures yet, which is part of why I'm thinking of patching things up. Can't leave without a few good pics, now can I. LOL!!!
Walk Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I was just wondering what he asked you to change? If it's too personal, then don't worry about posting it... I just wondered what it was.
blind_otter Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Feh. I've had that argument endlessly. Except I was the one wanting my partner to change. I think everyone knows that that is impossible - what you want is someone who challenges you to be the best person you can be. Not someone who insists that you do specific things according to their view of what their perfect mate is. IME, you can't change someone. The expectation is ridiculous. I spent my marriage wanting my exH to change. You know this, too.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 I was just wondering what he asked you to change? If it's too personal, then don't worry about posting it... I just wondered what it was. It started with the way I dress. (That one immediately threw up a huge warning sign, but I decided to proceed with caution since things were going so wonderfully.) Anyway, yeah, it was all about "You're such a beautiful woman, blah blah blah, why don't you dress up more?" I explained my philosophy on it. When you look a certain way and then you dress flashily, people never stop to notice anything about you but the physical. I've gotten much better results with jeans and a tight-fitting t-shirt than with a tube top and a mini skirt. For example, people in nightclubs now feel more comfortable walking up and talking to me, even not-so-attractive ones. Before, when I did dress to kill, I would spend the whole night alone because anyone I could have had an interesting conversation with was too intimidated to walk up, and if I did the approaching, the conversation would consist of patronizing comments and ogling. They refused to believe or care that I have a brain or a sense of humor. So I'm more approachable now, and I feel more comfortable knowing I'm not throwing myself on the slab as fresh meat. This is my philosophy, and it's worked for me. But alas, he insisted, and I succumbed. Broke out my old skintight Guess couture (so not me, and looks really weird with my hair, I'll tell you what) and he loved it. I thought, "Maybe it will end here." But of course it never does. Next, my affection was inappropriate. I'm not allowed to touch him certain ways at certain times (and no, of course I'm not talking cockgrabbing here, just "certain" ways). I respect him and his body just as I expect in return, but it's always something different. Even in private, sometimes he'll get a strange mood swing and shudder away from my touch. This hurts! He realizes it's a lot for me to deal with as I'm not f***ing psychic, and he tells me not to feel rejected, but it's a natural reaction when your lover tells you he doesn't want to be kissed on the cheek. So now I'm supposed to be patient and understanding when he rejects affection. And I grit my teeth and bear it. I never say a thing about how much it hurts. I just nod, smile and say "OK, baby, is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" But he sees the hurt in my eyes. Then it was the way I talk. He didn't feel comfortable with my plainspoken, usually butch manner. OK, so I'm not really a girly type. I tend to make excessive raunchy jokes, speak loudly and approach strangers on the street with bizarre comments. He wanted me to be more ladylike and reserved. This one pisses me off and I'll tell you why. Yeah, my manner may be a huge flaw as far as the "perfect woman" ideal goes. But telling someone to change the way they speak is damn close to telling them to slice up their soul and serve it to you for dinner. He knew who I was. It's the same BlahBlah who spent our friendship cracking jokes at the bar till the wee hours or slamming on our drummer in band practice. It was always a what-you-see-is-what-you-get deal... I didn't bring any surprises, so if you didn't like me, why the hell did you decide to start a relationship with me? There are other things; these are just three examples off the top of my head. Oh, he also has started playing the "what would the neighbors think" card. Telling me people are looking at us funny or asking me to behave a certain way so people will like me more. Well, bring on my social anxiety disorder! God knows I haven't suffered from it in almost a year now; it's high time someone triggered it again! Am I justifying myself too much here? Does he have a point? Maybe I'm too self-righteous or something; maybe my view is too one-sided. Maybe I'm missing something here?
FWIW Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 If this was Real 'Meant to be' Love this wouldn't be happening. You have to wrench yourself away from this one and free yourself to start again.. it doesn't sound like you'll have any trouble finding better. After only two weeks, how hard can it be to give up such a poor prospect? Good luck
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 it doesn't sound like you'll have any trouble finding better. Are we reading the same thread here? Blahblahqueen, what do these guys have in common? The most obvious answer is... YOU! If you keep finding the same kind of problem guy, you need to ask yourself why. What attracts you to them, what needs do they fulfill in you and what are you doing to help create the situations you don't like?
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 Are we reading the same thread here? Blahblahqueen, what do these guys have in common? The most obvious answer is... YOU! If you keep finding the same kind of problem guy, you need to ask yourself why. What attracts you to them, what needs do they fulfill in you and what are you doing to help create the situations you don't like? No, it's just those two. Actually I've always been tickled pink at the varying personalities of all my exes. That's what frustrates me. If there was a certain pattern to my dating woes, I'd at least know the problem and be able to start fixing it. But there's no damn rhyme or reason to the types I attract or am attracted to. They've run the gamut from introverted, subservient pvssies to boisterous, domineering narcissists. From emotionally stable to emotionally crippled. From placid to chaotic. All my guys have had in common is their right-brained tendencies. Maybe that's my problem! Maybe I need an accountant. Wait, hell no. That would never work.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 If this was Real 'Meant to be' Love this wouldn't be happening. You have to wrench yourself away from this one and free yourself to start again.. it doesn't sound like you'll have any trouble finding better. After only two weeks, how hard can it be to give up such a poor prospect? Good luck I'm not sticking around out of fear that I can't find better. I'm sticking around because this guy is f***ing amazing and intrigues the hell out of me. Maybe it's not meant to be, but hell, it sure will provide me with fodder for some great lyrics after all is said and done. Today, after talking to (at) a male friend of mine, I came to the conclusion that I am a fighting spirit to the core, always been, and if I tried to change for this fellow my basic nature would eventually prevail and I'd get fed up and start fighting back anyway. So with that said, we agreed that I should continue to hold my ground, keeping in mind that in the end it all may amount to nothing more than a tug-of-war and a silly game. But I know almost for a fact that what initially drew Mr. Wonderful to me was my dramatic difference from the yielding chicks he's dated (and gotten bored with and ran off on) before. Maybe he sees me as a challenge, or maybe a breath of fresh air that he can't bring himself to inhale. Either way, I laugh now because he'll have a hard time ever getting me to be his puppet, and I always prevail with myself in the end. So if it's power games he wants to play, he'll get them. My expectations of perfect love crushed, I think I have perspective now and am prepared for the thrill ride. Who knows what will happen? Maybe get my heart smashed to smithereens? Like that would be new ... Hell, I'm 22 freaking years old. My biological clock ain't ticking just yet, and I can certainly hold off on a third marriage for another ten or twenty years. A poor prospect he may be, but life is an ongoing social experiment to me and he's a chance for me to learn more about humanity. A source of inspiration, too, more importantly. This is a twist from my usual. This is not the way it normally (ever) goes. Maybe that's why I'm so gung-ho about it. Regardless, the last two days have given me time to reflect on this and I've found my answer. I used the word "love" carelessly, and have now realized this is better described as earth-shaking lust mixed with intrigue and fascination. Now that I'm feeling more sane and detached, and have come down completely from the emotional high, I really don't expect anything. I'm just hellishly curious to see what will happen.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I'm just hellishly curious to see what will happen. Me, too. But my money's on YOU!
Walk Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I'm sticking around because this guy is f***ing amazing and intrigues the hell out of me.hm.. I said this about my bf when I first started dating him.... I was really blunt, pretty raunchy, and bold prior to this relationship. Spoke my mind, wasn't crushed if someone didn't like me for me. Thought, I'll just hang around and see what this is all about... 'cause he was very intriguing, and amazing! Absolutely freaking amazing! Blew all the other guys I was dating at the time out of the water. (I actually did have men clamoring to have me go out with them. haha..) And he thought it'd be good if I wore sexier clothes... bring out my "natural woman" or along those lines. etc. etc. I admire your stance on this, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to hang around because he 'intrigues' you. Cliche', but ... curiosity killed the cat. (**Edit: You chimed in on my post, so I think you know how great my relationship is... :\ )
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 Yup, I read that thread. Lemme ask you something: did you see it coming from the beginning? Or did it just sort of creep up on you? Because I feel that as long as I'm aware from day one that this is the way it's gonna be, I at least know to keep my guard up. Now all his demands sound silly to me. It's just that the last one who tried to change me, even though he ended up crushing my self-esteem and aggravating a latent social phobia I've only recently gotten over, never wound up changing anything more than my feelings toward him. It's as if the Notre Dame leprechaun stood behind me the whole time saying, "Girl, you're a fighting Irish! No matter how $hitty you feel about yourself, resist this a**h***! You'll grow at your own pace and to hell with a man who tries to take control of that!" I fought him to the bitter end, even though he's the most manipulative person I've known to this day. I guess I just saw through all his actions and motives when no one else did. When I was a child, I was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's never gone away. Add to that the fact that I'm a Scorpio redhead and... you get my drift. They can't manipulate you if you don't allow them to.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Do you dress the same as you did when you first started dating? Why is he all the sudden telling you what to wear? Sounds like he doesn't want nooone looking at you because he is afraid someone will take you from him..If you are dressing the same way now ,why is he wanting you to change the way you dress when that is what you wore when he liked you before you dated.. It was ok for him why the need to say it isn't appropriate?
barfool Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Now that you've laid out specifically what he was trying to change I must now change my opinion. Run away! Run away! I agree with you that the great part of dating people is to see how different they all are and revel in those differences. This guy is trying to change your personality and that is a huge no-no. He doesn't want you; he wants a woman that only exists in his head.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Now that you've laid out specifically what he was trying to change I must now change my opinion. Run away! Run away! I agree with you that the great part of dating people is to see how different they all are and revel in those differences. This guy is trying to change your personality and that is a huge no-no. He doesn't want you; he wants a woman that only exists in his head. Exactly ,I couldn't agree more with what you said Barfoo!!! He is wanting his fanasty women instead of who he fell in love with.. You deserve better than he is offering you ,move on he sounds very controlling and possesive !!!
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 Do you dress the same as you did when you first started dating? Why is he all the sudden telling you what to wear? Sounds like he doesn't want no one looking at you because he is afraid someone will take you from him... Yes, I've always dressed like this, except for my short-lived affair with Guess couture 3 or 4 years ago. And no, opposite of that, he wants me to be a sort of "trophy wife" and dress like Britney Spears. Which is hilarious to me on many levels. Consider the asininity (yeah, I made that word up) of the following situation: Bassist joins metal band. (We'll call him Adam.) Adam meets vocalist (we'll call her Jane). Jane wears pajama pants, baby-tees with evil slogans on them, and dirty black Airwalks. Jane burps in people's ears for $hits and grins. Jane is loud, physically expressive and in-your-face. Jane has weird hair. Adam decides Jane needs to feminize herself if she wants to be his woman. Jane caves in, becomes a Britney Spears clone, and everyone is happy. Then they get on stage. Jane gets a rotten tomato to the eye for being a metal vocalist who looks like Britney Spears. Band gets booed off stage, breaks up, and everyone has to work at McDonald's for the rest of their lives. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES A PROBLEM HERE. What did he think he was going to get??? Look at the circumstances he found me in! Is he out of his mind??? Maybe in his country those expectations are the norm... that's all the sense I can make out of it. Damn foreigners.
Author BlahBlahQueen Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 Now that you've laid out specifically what he was trying to change I must now change my opinion. Run away! Run away! I agree with you that the great part of dating people is to see how different they all are and revel in those differences. This guy is trying to change your personality and that is a huge no-no. He doesn't want you; he wants a woman that only exists in his head. Ahh, but you see, now it's a challenge to ME. And since I ain't changin' for nobody, I'm dying to play this little charade out. No $hit he's trying to change my personality. I know he doesn't want me. f***ing dreaming is what he's doing.
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