CruzinRed Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I am new here, really needing some thoughts to help me get over what I did. I swore I would never cheat on my husband, and last night I did. I've been married for 10 months, but we're separated now (on and off since June but have finally been separated without getting back together for about a month now) and getting along better being apart. My husband knows that I go to visit my ex every now and then and he has been semi-okay with it, he knows I cheated on him with my ex before we were married (2 yrs before). My husband and I have a daughter together and she is 10 months old, we got married the week before we had her. Last night I went over to my ex's (he lives with a friend and her parents) to get some dvds back that I let him borrow, and he asked if I wanted to watch one before I left. I said okay. After a while I asked him if he could pop my back, that's seriously all I wanted, I wasn't thinking about sex. He popped my back and then gave me a massage (my husband never does that for me), then he went on to giving me the idea that he wanted sex by kissing on my neck. I told him "don't do it unless you mean it." He's the type that has meanlingless sex and never thinks twice. He thought for a minute and then said "sorry, I can't do it then." I said alright, thank you for letting me know. I don't really see the point in meaningless sex (it doesn't do anything for me) unless it has meaning to it. A little compassionate feeling added in makes it better. After a little while more he wanted to cuddle so I said okay. Of course that went on more than cuddling and then we had sex. The bad thing is, I started it after he offered oral. I didn't think I would feel that bad about it afterwards, and I didn't think about the consequences of it. I felt like crap when I came home and I feel like crap now. Regretting what I did because I have a daughter, I'm still married, and I don't know why I did that to begin with. Again. I've been friends with my ex for 5 years, and he is the one I lost my virginity to, if that has anything to do with it. My husband and I have already talked about getting a divorce, so that's why we separated. I know I'd never want to be with my ex again, and I know he doesn't care about me like he says he does, or else he would have thought, but I don't know, maybe guys just don't think when they want sex. I hate myself for not thinking to tell him to stop for the 2nd time, and wish I would have just left after the first time. I went to the lawyer today about my divorce, my husband and I are both agreeable on everything so it's going to be a simple divorce, and he came over tonight to see the baby. We still get along great. I just don't know why I cheated again, and I can't seem to get over that I did it. I know it's over and done with, but can't seem to move on, I don't have anyone to talk to about it so that's why I'm writing here. I just needed to get it out and maybe get some opinions about it. I realize that I'm not "in love" with my husband or else I would not even bother going to see my ex. I love my husband for giving me a beautiful daughter, and I feel bad for not being able to be "in love" with him enough to keep going and put up with everything I go through with him. The good points are not as high as the bad points, although he is a good person to me and has never hurt me, ever. He just doesn't cuddle much and I need that, he'd rather play with his car, and he's not good with money. I have been wanting a divorce for a while, but for a few days we were contemplating the thought of staying married and living apart but I wasn't too sure about that. Although it would look strange, I would expect a husband to be there and not in a different house because we can't live together. I know I'm not going to cheat again with my ex, even after I get my divorce, I don't even want to think about going back over to my ex's. I talked to him tonight online, he asked me if I was still going to come over and that he felt really bad about last night, and I told him I needed my space until the divorce was final, and then told him "damn. I guess you're just another guy after all." He didn't say anything after that, (he's used to me being quiet and closed-in, but my husband has turned me into a you-know-what and I speak my mind and not afraid to anymore) so I figured I made him mad with that one. After that I know he doesn't have any respect, nor does he care like he says he does. He's planning to bring a girl down from OH to live with him, he's been friends with her for years and she dated his best friend several years back. I guess last night just made me realize things about my ex that I should have already opened my eyes and seen about him, things I already knew and didn't really realize until last night. He was in jail for several months and I wrote him twice a week for the time he was in there (March until Nov) and tried to be there for him. My husband knew about that too. I just feel like my ex is an a**hole now, but then I feel like crap because I gave in and feel like it's al my fault. I know it is, I should have just left and felt good about myself leaving without giving in.
littlekitty Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I don't personally see this as cheating. I can understand that you are having a hard time forgiving yourself for having some meaningless sex, but I don't believe you cheated. If your husband and you are seperated, living apart, not have any sexual relationship and are not in love and pursuing a divorce (as you say), then I think you are practically a free agent! You're not sleeping with somone while in a loving relationship with someone else. You say you aren't trying to make amends with your husband. You are a seperated single mother. You just need to resolve your feelings about having some sex with your ex, which I agree probably isn't the best thing to do right now, it's too soon to be getting involved. But you didn't hurt anyone, except maybe yourself!
newbby Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 i dont think you did anything wrong. you are separated about to be divorced. because you are probably alone alot, being a single parent, problems revolve around in your head and become bigger than they are. your baby is only 10 months old and you are getting divorced after a 10 month marriage, those are quite alot of big changes in quite a short space of time, you are probably more stressed than you realise. you may be feeling bad because sleeping with your ex, after he said that it would be meaningless to him has made you feel like s***. you are hooking it on to the situation with your stb ex husband because that is what the mind does sometimes. dont worry about it, we all make these little mistakes. it was just sex, you will soon forget about it.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Why do you feel so guilty when you and your h are through ? Are you afraid that your h will find out and use it against you to get your daughter ? I personally don't see anything wrong when you aren't with your soon to ex h .. You already said you don't love him and he can't give you what you want .. So why are you feeling guilty for having sex with the ex bf? Are you having second thoughts about what you want ? I need more information to understand !!!
RainyDayWoman Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 My husband knows that I go to visit my ex every now and then and he has been semi-okay with it, he knows I cheated on him with my ex before we were married (2 yrs before). in most cases, i wouldn't normally call it "wrong" given your separation, but since you did cheat with this person before you were married, it seems like your whole marriage was based on this triangle of you, your husband, and your ex. so while maybe your actions aren't considered "wrong" because you're separated, it doesn't seem to me like your whole heart has ever been with your husband alone. in my opinion, unless there are children involved, married people don't leave to go visit exes, regardless of whether it's sexual or not. bad idea, and so unnecessary. you knew what you were doing...which is most likely why you feel so guilty now. if i were your husband, i would have protected myself by not marrying you after the first time you cheated, and i certainly would not have said "okay, sure go visit this guy you used to screw, did screw while you were with me, and will probably screw again and again." i wonder what he was thinking...or if he was at all. i think it's a good thing you are separated...now you can figure out what it is that you really want without having to bring other people into your thoughtless actions.
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