CruzinRed Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I am new here, really needing some thoughts to help me get over what I did. I swore I would never cheat on my husband, and last night I did. I've been married for 10 months, but we're separated now (on and off since June but have finally been separated without getting back together for about a month now) and getting along better being apart. My husband knows that I go to visit my ex every now and then and he has been semi-okay with it, he knows I cheated on him with my ex before we were married (2 yrs before). My husband and I have a daughter together and she is 10 months old, we got married the week before we had her. Last night I went over to my ex's (he lives with a friend and her parents) to get some dvds back that I let him borrow, and he asked if I wanted to watch one before I left. I said okay. After a while I asked him if he could pop my back, that's seriously all I wanted, I wasn't thinking about sex. He popped my back and then gave me a massage (my husband never does that for me), then he went on to giving me the idea that he wanted sex by kissing on my neck. I told him "don't do it unless you mean it." He's the type that has meanlingless sex and never thinks twice. He thought for a minute and then said "sorry, I can't do it then." I said alright, thank you for letting me know. I don't really see the point in meaningless sex (it doesn't do anything for me) unless it has meaning to it. A little compassionate feeling added in makes it better. After a little while more he wanted to cuddle so I said okay. Of course that went on more than cuddling and then we had sex. The bad thing is, I started it after he offered oral. I didn't think I would feel that bad about it afterwards, and I didn't think about the consequences of it. I felt like crap when I came home and I feel like crap now. Regretting what I did because I have a daughter, I'm still married, and I don't know why I did that to begin with. Again. I've been friends with my ex for 5 years, and he is the one I lost my virginity to, if that has anything to do with it. My husband and I have already talked about getting a divorce, so that's why we separated. I know I'd never want to be with my ex again, and I know he doesn't care about me like he says he does, or else he would have thought, but I don't know, maybe guys just don't think when they want sex. I hate myself for not thinking to tell him to stop for the 2nd time, and wish I would have just left after the first time. I went to the lawyer today about my divorce, my husband and I are both agreeable on everything so it's going to be a simple divorce, and he came over tonight to see the baby. We still get along great. I just don't know why I cheated again, and I can't seem to get over that I did it. I know it's over and done with, but can't seem to move on, I don't have anyone to talk to about it so that's why I'm writing here. I just needed to get it out and maybe get some opinions about it. I realize that I'm not "in love" with my husband or else I would not even bother going to see my ex. I love my husband for giving me a beautiful daughter, and I feel bad for not being able to be "in love" with him enough to keep going and put up with everything I go through with him. The good points are not as high as the bad points, although he is a good person to me and has never hurt me, ever. He just doesn't cuddle much and I need that, he'd rather play with his car, and he's not good with money. I have been wanting a divorce for a while, but for a few days we were contemplating the thought of staying married and living apart but I wasn't too sure about that. Although it would look strange, I would expect a husband to be there and not in a different house because we can't live together. I know I'm not going to cheat again with my ex, even after I get my divorce, I don't even want to think about going back over to my ex's. I talked to him tonight online, he asked me if I was still going to come over and that he felt really bad about last night, and I told him I needed my space until the divorce was final, and then told him "damn. I guess you're just another guy after all." He didn't say anything after that, (he's used to me being quiet and closed-in, but my husband has turned me into a you-know-what and I speak my mind and not afraid to anymore) so I figured I made him mad with that one. After that I know he doesn't have any respect, nor does he care like he says he does. He's planning to bring a girl down from OH to live with him, he's been friends with her for years and she dated his best friend several years back. I guess last night just made me realize things about my ex that I should have already opened my eyes and seen about him, things I already knew and didn't really realize until last night. He was in jail for several months and I wrote him twice a week for the time he was in there (March until Nov) and tried to be there for him. My husband knew about that too. I just feel like my ex is an a**hole now, but then I feel like crap because I gave in and feel like it's al my fault. I know it is, I should have just left and felt good about myself leaving without giving in.
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