Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 1 minute ago, Gebidozo said: It’s definitely a “thing”, but it doesn’t have to be a “you” thing. Personally, I never used OLD precisely because, by definition, it’s a platform for people who want to date someone, not people who want to get to know me. So just imagining myself being part of that methodical selection, becoming a candidate who gets tested, killed all the potential romance for me. None of the women with whom I’ve had serious relationships with was looking to date. They were all fine being alone, or at least were having no expectations or timetables to stop being single. They weren’t looking for someone, they just happened to like me. On the contrary, some of my less important, shorter relationships were with women who were sort of restless, eager to find a partner. The moment I felt that I could be theoretically replaced with someone else who’d they consider a better match, I lost all interest. Yeah, a lot of OLD dates especially recently have felt more like job interviews. I went on a date a couple of months ago with a girl where everything felt very much like "ok it's time to find my next boyfriend, what has this guy got to offer me". Luckily I wasn't all that attracted to her anyway so it didn't bother me too much but I received a text shortly after saying she was sorry to inform me that she'd started seeing some other guy and was already thinking about getting exclusive with him. It struck me as not that dissimilar to an email from some company saying "thanks for your consideration but we've decided to move forward with other candidates". That way of approaching dating I agree is ridiculous.
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 51 minutes ago, FredEire said: That way of approaching dating I agree is ridiculous. Then, at the very least, make sure you don’t fall for any woman unless you know that she is interested in you specifically, personally, and not just looking for a boyfriend.
Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Then, at the very least, make sure you don’t fall for any woman unless you know that she is interested in you specifically, personally, and not just looking for a boyfriend. Yeah. I wouldn't say I "fell" for this girl. I was just excited about the potential because it's honestly not all that often I'd feel that potential is there. And disappointed that that potential all seemed to disappear in a moment. I woke up today feeling much better. At the end of the day there's no point wanting someone who doesn't want you.
Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 8 hours ago, Gebidozo said: That is as unkind and as snappily, superficially judgmental as calling you incel or player because you only had 1 serious relationship. We don’t know under which circumstances she “hopped” between boyfriends, or whether there was any “hopping” at all. And what is “hopping”, anyway? And what is a “serious relationship”? Everyone defines those things differently. If she started dating, let’s say, at 16, 7 semi-serious boyfriends in 11 years feels absolutely average and run-of-the-mill, actually. If there is something I’ve learned from relationships is never be bothered by the past, always look at the present and the future. I agree with this by the way. Another thing I run into is people are just obsessed with finding every "red flag" under the sun to rule someone out. I accept that many people have bad habits or mental struggles, nobody is a saint. I'll work with someone who is working on said issues up to the point they're no longer being self aware and start playing the blame game, it's not an automatic dealbreaker for me. I think my friend's point was more that I was just as entitled as she was to look at her dating history and nope out. "Nah too many boyfriends, can't hold on to a relationship, obviously a nutcase. Next!"
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 1 hour ago, FredEire said: I was just excited about the potential because it's honestly not all that often I'd feel that potential is there. But where, exactly, was the potential? Did you guys have some sort of a really special connection? A spiritual kinship? Matching intellectual interests? Strong physical desire?
Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: But where, exactly, was the potential? Did you guys have some sort of a really special connection? A spiritual kinship? Matching intellectual interests? Strong physical desire? Yeah pretty similar interests, I thought we seemed very similar people, maybe too similar in the end. Strong physical attraction as well. She was very engaged in texting, asking me loads of questions and seemed to want to get to know me which is pretty rare on OLD. But then it all kind of stopped in one moment
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 4 minutes ago, FredEire said: Another thing I run into is people are just obsessed with finding every "red flag" under the sun to rule someone out. Well, the thing with red flags is that they can be serious or superficial. For example, being a pedophile, supporting Putin, marrying for money, liking Kenny G’s music are all serious red flags. They tell you something about the moral essence of the person in question. On the contrary, smoking, liking free jazz, being a vegan, having had an orgy with circus performers in the past could all be potential red flags to somebody, but they are all superficial. So my understanding is that carriers of serious red flags should be zealously avoided and uncompromisingly weeded out, while carriers of superficial red flags should be given a chance if everything else clicks.
Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: Well, the thing with red flags is that they can be serious or superficial. For example, being a pedophile, supporting Putin, marrying for money, liking Kenny G’s music are all serious red flags. They tell you something about the moral essence of the person in question. On the contrary, smoking, liking free jazz, being a vegan, having had an orgy with circus performers in the past could all be potential red flags to somebody, but they are all superficial. So my understanding is that carriers of serious red flags should be zealously avoided and uncompromisingly weeded out, while carriers of superficial red flags should be given a chance if everything else clicks. Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately for her my dating history was a big enough red flag to cut things off. It would maybe just be a potential one for me because people change and evolve but that's her thing, it's just unfortunate. It's frustrating on my end but I get that one. I've seen and heard some really silly red flags though that seem to just have the purpose that nobody could possibly live up to their standards. Sometimes I wonder if I should have more red flags, but generally I'm open to giving anyone a chance provided as you say they're not a pedofile or murderer or something, or just a rude/demanding/spoilt/entitled brat. Edited March 31 by FredEire
smackie9 Posted March 31 Posted March 31 Dude there is no need to dwell on it....you dodged a bullet or two with this one. Stay away from those who are so negatively impacted by their dating experiences/relationships....the blame all can't lie in whom they dated...if someone has that bad of an experience and so many...the common denominator is them. That's what you have to look out for. IMO she's still mentally in a dark place. You can be the most awesome gentleman...it's still not going to work for her. 1
Alpacalia Posted April 1 Posted April 1 Hey OP. Saw this meme and thought of you. Dating is like walking a dog, at first it's all cute and exciting, but eventually you're just picking up shi&t and questioning your life choices. 1
Author FredEire Posted April 1 Author Posted April 1 4 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Hey OP. Saw this meme and thought of you. Dating is like walking a dog, at first it's all cute and exciting, but eventually you're just picking up shi&t and questioning your life choices.
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