Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yeah, like you could have had a 10 year relationship! In fairness she asked how long we'd been dating as well, and was just shy of a year.
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 Idk, in general dating in 2025 just feels like a whole load of hurt people hunting for red flags to prove why this new person is just like the last one who hurt them. I hate it and I'm just fed up of it tbh
Alpacalia Posted March 30 Posted March 30 4 minutes ago, FredEire said: Yeah that's true. My only official relationship was less than a year, so I can totally understand why that sounds like a big red flag at my age. But it honestly hasn't been through willingly stringing anyone along for sex, apart from maybe when I was very young and very stupid/selfish. It just hasn't lined up for me and although I'd be the first to admit I have issues in relationships if my history is enough to make someone run a mile and they don't even want to know if my perspective has changed it's really sad but not something I can do much about. I feel like it's much worse to lie and say something "normal" like I've had 3 or 4 serious relationships if that's not really the case. I wouldn't take that as a red flag. You don't seem like the type of person that is a player. I think you just haven't met the right person yet! 1
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 1 minute ago, Alpacalia said: I wouldn't take that as a red flag. You don't seem like the type of person that is a player. I think you just haven't met the right person yet! Thanks. Yeah if on the shoe was on the other foot and a girl around my age either had had a ton of boyfriends or no boyfriends I might see it as a bit unusual but pretty drastic to immediately end things if I was enjoying getting to know her. I hope you're right. I'll keep the faith but still finding it so difficult to even get past the first hurdle in my my 30s, knowing people are in great relationships for years and it still ends up not working out, feels pretty daunting tbh. I'll give it some time and hopefully I'll feel better about it. 1
Alpacalia Posted March 30 Posted March 30 5 minutes ago, FredEire said: Thanks. Yeah if on the shoe was on the other foot and a girl around my age either had had a ton of boyfriends or no boyfriends I might see it as a bit unusual but pretty drastic to immediately end things if I was enjoying getting to know her. I hope you're right. I'll keep the faith but still finding it so difficult to even get past the first hurdle in my my 30s, knowing people are in great relationships for years and it still ends up not working out, feels pretty daunting tbh. I'll give it some time and hopefully I'll feel better about it. Think of it this way. Everyone is just trying to look at for their best interest. She has her own insecurities or past experiences that triggered her reaction. She might have her own fear of intimacy or commitment. I have friends that have been in relationships for years, some of them good, some of them settled where their SO cheated or some other catastrophic event and they chose to stay. I was engaged in my thirties and had the rug pulled out from me. I don't date much and that's partly because maybe fear of getting hurt again. Repeated disappointments can make dating feel like a rigged game. Why keep playing if the outcome seems predetermined? Luck plays a role in timing and compatibility. But effort matters tooâyour effort to heal, to stay open, and to choose wisely. The friends who stayed in settled or toxic relationships? Thatâs not âluckââitâs often fear masquerading as commitment. Everyone acts in their own best interest. But sometimes, peopleâs âbest interestâ is clouded by fear, trauma, or flawed coping mechanisms. Her walking away says far more about her capacity to handle connection than your worthiness of it. 1
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Think of it this way. Everyone is just trying to look at for their best interest. She has her own insecurities or past experiences that triggered her reaction. She might have her own fear of intimacy or commitment. I have friends that have been in relationships for years, some of them good, some of them settled where their SO cheated or some other catastrophic event and they chose to stay. I was engaged in my thirties and had the rug pulled out from me. I don't date much and that's partly because maybe fear of getting hurt again. Repeated disappointments can make dating feel like a rigged game. Why keep playing if the outcome seems predetermined? Luck plays a role in timing and compatibility. But effort matters tooâyour effort to heal, to stay open, and to choose wisely. The friends who stayed in settled or toxic relationships? Thatâs not âluckââitâs often fear masquerading as commitment. Everyone acts in their own best interest. But sometimes, peopleâs âbest interestâ is clouded by fear, trauma, or flawed coping mechanisms. Her walking away says far more about her capacity to handle connection than your worthiness of it. Yeah, I can see that for sure. A big issue is that by the time you reach your late 20s and beyond there's not many of us who've not been stung at least a couple of times, but I don't particularly have any desire to date a 21 year old and I doubt they'd have too much interest in me either. Part of the frustration of listening to her basically tell me she's decided I'm either a player or an incel and she doesn't want to be hurt or disappointed again is that the end to my only serious relationship was pretty crap and took an age to get over, which was made even worse by Covid lockdowns, and I've definitely felt much more emotionally closed off since then. So the very thing she'd decided was a sign I'd end up hurting her was because I'd been hurt myself. It's bloody hard to be honest to open yourself up again even slightly and then it seems like so often people just go running at the slightest hint of danger or intimacy. I remember a date a while back which was going really well and then at the end of the night with a few drinks the girl decided to tell me all about her ex who she had to kick out of the flat they bought together because he'd repeatedly cheated on her. She went radio silent soon after and I wasn't particularly surprised. It's one experience of many. You just have to keep going I guess but it's very hard not to take it personally or be cynical. But everything you said there is very insightful and rings true for me, thanks for taking the time to write it. Edited March 30 by FredEire
enterthevoid Posted March 30 Posted March 30 (edited) It seems like she was hurt in a previous relationship and is projecting what past men have done onto you. She was judgmental toward you and didn't even try to understand your point of view. Even if she were interested in you, you wouldn't want to date someone like that anyway. Edited March 30 by enterthevoid 1
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 28 minutes ago, enterthevoid said: It seems like she was hurt in a previous relationship and is projecting what past men have done onto you. She was judgmental toward you and didn't even try to understand your point of view. Even if she were interested in you, you wouldn't want to date someone like that anyway. Honestly that just feels like the norm these days unfortunately. The only girl I've dated recently where there wasn't some kind of said projection had done a massive amount of therapy to reframe the way she looked at things. She was quite open about her previous bad experiences and how she learned to let the past be the past. I really admired her for that, and she was an awesome communicator, but ultimately on my side there wasn't the same kind of spark with her Ultimately the more I think about it it seems like I just didn't pass the vibe check, if she was willing to take the risk on said other guys but not with me. I think the issue ultimately comes from putting too much mental energy into dating, if it's a total side-issue in my life and I'm not as sensitive about it it might be more fruitful. And as you said if someone's just projecting their baggage onto you it's not something worth pursuing anyway.
enterthevoid Posted March 30 Posted March 30 Quote Honestly that just feels like the norm these days unfortunately. In my experience, most women have been really nice to me. If this is the norm for you, it could be that you're selecting people who aren't a fit for you (and not vetting them carefully enough). Or maybe you're putting out the wrong kind of energy (i.e. overinvesting mental energy, having negative feelings) and getting it back. Quote I think the issue ultimately comes from putting too much mental energy into dating Yes, this is it. I don't over-invest. I don't have expectations. I get their number, ask them out on a date in the next few days, go on the date. etc. I don't try to assume what the other person is thinking, or overthink for hours about it. If it doesn't work out, cool, it was a nice date for an hour, I got some experience, learned from it, I move on. 1
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 16 minutes ago, enterthevoid said: In my experience, most women have been really nice to me. If this is the norm for you, it could be that you're selecting people who aren't a fit for you (and not vetting them carefully enough). Or maybe you're putting out the wrong kind of energy (i.e. overinvesting mental energy, having negative feelings) and getting it back. Yes, this is it. I don't over-invest. I don't have expectations. I get their number, ask them out on a date in the next few days, go on the date. etc. I don't try to assume what the other person is thinking, or overthink for hours about it. If it doesn't work out, cool, it was a nice date for an hour, I got some experience, learned from it, I move on. Generally the girls I've had the nicest, most stress-free experiences with are ones I haven't been quite as into from the get-go. If the initial feeling is stronger, it seems like the theme is around the second or third date even if thing seem to be going well there's some moment where she backs off suddenly out of the blue. It's not always as polite as this girl was, sometimes it can take the form of a random blow-up or argument about something seemingly small, like I mentioned in this thread: Probably the most extreme example was the first girl I dated in college. We slept together for the first time in her dorm and as we were falling asleep she confessed she was starting to have feelings for me, I replied I felt the same and then in the morning something was suddenly off, we walked to class together and she bizarrely started to sprint ahead of me, and I barely talked to her again. It's almost a running joke now that any time I tell my therapist about some of these experiences he says "ah, sounds like she was even more afraid of intimacy than you were". I think it's often been the case too where I was in situationships where the girl was moving toward wanting to date officially but I wasn't as sold on the idea, that she had similar intimacy issues but may well have felt more comfortable opening up with me because she knew I was emotionally unavailable so there was no risk of it working out. Either way it seems like someone in the equation always ends up wanting to avoid any possibility of moving towards getting closer, whether it's me or them.
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 (edited) And yeah as you said my outlook these days probably isn't the best, but my dating life has been littered with pretty crappy unfulfilling experiences, so it's hard not to get cynical or just expect the worst if you keep having the same experiences. I try my best to relax, enjoy the moment and just feel it out, but honestly on the date in this thread I felt I was doing that and things seemed to be going pretty great until she suddenly said ok that's it, I think I'm not into this anymore. It's obviously something unconscious at play which makes it that much more frustrating. Edited March 30 by FredEire
smackie9 Posted March 30 Posted March 30 Sorry but I don't blame her in a way...she see that as having trouble with commitment. And her going from BF to BF is her pickin unavailable guys or she's cray cray. Going in deep with one's dating experience right off the bat on a date is a concern within itself. No one is giving a chance to really get to know them, and simply passing judgment. Maybe next time, just show a good time, and make date where you physically do stuff or interest...seeing a movie or going to a museum, art show, a live play.
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 (edited) 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: Sorry but I don't blame her in a way...she see that as having trouble with commitment. And her going from BF to BF is her pickin unavailable guys or she's cray cray. Going in deep with one's dating experience right off the bat on a date is a concern within itself. No one is giving a chance to really get to know them, and simply passing judgment. Maybe next time, just show a good time, and make date where you physically do stuff or interest...seeing a movie or going to a museum, art show, a live play. Fair enough. It's not something I'd ever really want to get into on the first couple of dates, as I don't think you've even got an impression of how the person is at that stage. But it's something I get asked often even on first dates and I think it's better to try and address it if asked directly rather than brush it off. I personally like to do stuff where you can chat and get to know eachother a bit more on maybe the first couple of dates. I aim to keep things light but if they decide to go down the what are you looking for/what's your history route that's their prerogative. I find asking what you're looking for a bit fairer personally as it takes into account that peoples' perspectives and behaviour change, but also if you ask any question like that the other person can just lie and tell you what they think you want to hear. I probably do have some committment stuff but all I can do is consciously work on it and put in the effort to be better, I can't turn back time and be someone I'm not unfortunately. Edited March 30 by FredEire
Alpacalia Posted March 30 Posted March 30 In all fairness, she brought up the issue first. Youâre right not to villainize her. People often act from their own fears or patterns, not malice. If she jumps from relationship to relationship, itâs likely a sign of her own struggles (avoidance, fear of being alone, unresolved baggage). Her question mightâve felt jarring, but itâs also data: Her priorities or communication style didnât align with yours. Thatâs okay! Dating is about finding someone who fits, not forcing compatibility. Think of it as dodging a mismatch rather than âfailing.â 2
Author FredEire Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: In all fairness, she brought up the issue first. Youâre right not to villainize her. People often act from their own fears or patterns, not malice. If she jumps from relationship to relationship, itâs likely a sign of her own struggles (avoidance, fear of being alone, unresolved baggage). Her question mightâve felt jarring, but itâs also data: Her priorities or communication style didnât align with yours. Thatâs okay! Dating is about finding someone who fits, not forcing compatibility. Think of it as dodging a mismatch rather than âfailing.â She told me that she'd gone to a lot of therapy to get over bad relationship stuff, and mentioned on our first date that one of her exes was a vegetarian who tried to force her to have the same diet as him, so there was clearly something going on for her. It's just a bit of a sad irony that the first girl I'd met in quite a while who I thought might be a potential girlfriend (based on the initial attraction which doesn't count for a whole lot, I know) ended up cutting things off with me because she figured I was going to land her in another situationship lol. She also said at one point "something casual wouldn't work for me, sorry" when I'd never even remotely suggested that. So it just felt immensely frustrating that how I felt about dating her or look at things now was never really a factor, but of course it's up to her how she wants to approach things or select who she dates. Edited March 30 by FredEire
Alpacalia Posted March 31 Posted March 31 3 hours ago, FredEire said: She told me that she'd gone to a lot of therapy to get over bad relationship stuff, and mentioned on our first date that one of her exes was a vegetarian who tried to force her to have the same diet as him, so there was clearly something going on for her. It's just a bit of a sad irony that the first girl I'd met in quite a while who I thought might be a potential girlfriend (based on the initial attraction which doesn't count for a whole lot, I know) ended up cutting things off with me because she figured I was going to land her in another situationship lol. She also said at one point "something casual wouldn't work for me, sorry" when I'd never even remotely suggested that. So it just felt immensely frustrating that how I felt about dating her or look at things now was never really a factor, but of course it's up to her how she wants to approach things or select who she dates. What stands out most is how quickly she judged you. She took one piece of informationâyour relationship historyâand spun it into a story that fit her fears rather than giving you a chance to explain. That says far more about her than it does about you. If sheâs been hurt before, she might be looking for reasons to reject people before they can reject her. Itâs a self-protective move, because she didnât actually get to know youâjust her own projection. Thereâs also a real irony in her reaction. Sheâs had seven serious relationships by 27, which is a lot, and yet sheâs the one worried about your experience? That suggests she might equate quantity with stability, when in reality, jumping from relationship to relationship can sometimes mean someone struggles with being alone or repeats the same unhealthy patterns. Meanwhile, youâve been intentional about not settling for connections that donât feel rightâwhich is actually a sign of maturity, not a red flag. 1
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 23 hours ago, FredEire said: We went to the bus stop to go to the karaoke bar and long story stort she abruptly cut the date short and said it was kind of weird that I'd only had one serious relationship at 31 and that wasn't what she was looking for, and proceeded to tell me in a more polite roundabout way that it sounded like I was either a player or an incel. Whaaaaaat?.. My dude, I know youâre feeling disappointed now, but trust me, itâs a good thing it didnât work out with that girl. Honestly, would you really want to be together with someone who says such unkind things and makes snappy (and dumb!) judgments so readily? I had weird vibes already from your first descriptions of that girl and your first date with her, didnât really feel that she was attractive. Now her unattractive side has surfaced, and perhaps you could think more about how to deal with your perceived (I still insists itâs not fully genuine) attraction towards women who arenât nice to you. 1
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 23 hours ago, FredEire said: I feel like I have to take some kind of lesson going forward Yes, I agree, and I think the lesson is that you need to put all your focus and effort into getting rid of unhealthy infatuation with women that you know deep down, on a subconscious level, would treat you badly. I think that with a good therapist or perhaps after intense, quiet soul-searching and meditation about yourself, youâll be able to âreprogramâ your romantic persona in such a way that youâll be falling for nice women who like you and not unpleasant women who donât like you. 1
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 23 hours ago, FredEire said: Yeah, my friend also mentioned that I'd be fully entitled to have issues with her dating history, as in a 27 year old who just seems to hop from boyfriend to boyfriend. That is as unkind and as snappily, superficially judgmental as calling you incel or player because you only had 1 serious relationship. We donât know under which circumstances she âhoppedâ between boyfriends, or whether there was any âhoppingâ at all. And what is âhoppingâ, anyway? And what is a âserious relationshipâ? Everyone defines those things differently. If she started dating, letâs say, at 16, 7 semi-serious boyfriends in 11 years feels absolutely average and run-of-the-mill, actually. If there is something Iâve learned from relationships is never be bothered by the past, always look at the present and the future.
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 22 hours ago, FredEire said: It's bloody hard to be honest to open yourself up again even slightly and then it seems like so often people just go running at the slightest hint of danger or intimacy. Why would you decide to stop being honest and opening yourself up just because some silly, insecure, judgmental girl didnât like what you were telling her about yourself, for whatever reason? I always told everything about my past to any woman I wanted to be serious with. Including the very nasty and unsavory parts. The stronger my feeling was, the more openly and swiftly and brutally I told the truth. If someone couldnât accept my past for whatever reason, no hard feelings, a bummer of course, but itâs actually a good thing to weed out incompatible people.
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 15 hours ago, FredEire said: Honestly that just feels like the norm these days unfortunately. I donât think so. On the contrary, my experience tells me that people, on the whole, are less judgmental and more open-minded than before. Iâve only dated and was together with very nice women. @enterthevoid is absolutely right: you arenât selecting the right women to date. It is a âyouâ problem, but not in the sense that there is something fundamentally wrong or unattractive about you. It is a âyouâ problem because the part of your organism that âsniffs outâ people who would treat you badly and would generally be a bad fit to you is malfunctioning.
Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 (edited) 5 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Whaaaaaat?.. My dude, I know youâre feeling disappointed now, but trust me, itâs a good thing it didnât work out with that girl. Honestly, would you really want to be together with someone who says such unkind things and makes snappy (and dumb!) judgments so readily? I had weird vibes already from your first descriptions of that girl and your first date with her, didnât really feel that she was attractive. Now her unattractive side has surfaced, and perhaps you could think more about how to deal with your perceived (I still insists itâs not fully genuine) attraction towards women who arenât nice to you. I mean I'd hasten to add that she didn't literally say "you're either an incel or a player", thats just my summary of what she was saying, as I said in a more polite roundabout way. I think what she directly said was along the lines of she'd dated guys who'd landed her in situationships, and guys who were very sexually inexperienced and that part of the relationship was lacking, and she didn't want either of those. And with one relationship at 31 I was likely to fit in one of those categories. Idk, to me at the time it didn't necessarily come off as "rude", but a bit of a snap judgement and a big turnaround when to me up until then she seemed to be enjoying spending time with me. Maybe she just wasn't feeling it but I'd prefer she'd just said that if that were the case. I guess to your point my experience is that I meet a lot of girls who are looking to fulfil some dating need they have in their head, and not all that interested in getting to know me the person. I've looked at that as an OLD thing but maybe it is a "me" thing. Edited March 31 by FredEire
Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 5 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I donât think so. On the contrary, my experience tells me that people, on the whole, are less judgmental and more open-minded than before. Iâve only dated and was together with very nice women. @enterthevoid is absolutely right: you arenât selecting the right women to date. It is a âyouâ problem, but not in the sense that there is something fundamentally wrong or unattractive about you. It is a âyouâ problem because the part of your organism that âsniffs outâ people who would treat you badly and would generally be a bad fit to you is malfunctioning. I mean it could be. Is who I find more physically attractive linked to this? (Because on OLD where I'd find the majority of my dates that's all you have to go off apart from a short bio). That's one of the big questions I have. I struggle to see that as too likely, unless you look at the more "spiritual" perspective that the universe is lining me up with more unsuitable women at the moment.
Author FredEire Posted March 31 Author Posted March 31 5 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Yes, I agree, and I think the lesson is that you need to put all your focus and effort into getting rid of unhealthy infatuation with women that you know deep down, on a subconscious level, would treat you badly. I think that with a good therapist or perhaps after intense, quiet soul-searching and meditation about yourself, youâll be able to âreprogramâ your romantic persona in such a way that youâll be falling for nice women who like you and not unpleasant women who donât like you. Yeah this is definitely something I've thought about. There's definitely some girls in my past where I really wished my feelings had been stronger because they were lovely people. I just knew on some level that if I'd made it official there would have been a mismatch in terms of the depth of feelings involved and I didn't want to lead them on.
Gebidozo Posted March 31 Posted March 31 4 minutes ago, FredEire said: I guess to your point my experience is that I meet a lot of girls who are looking to fulfil some dating need they have in their head, and not all that interested in getting to know me the person. I've looked at that as an OLD thing but maybe it is a "me" thing. Itâs definitely a âthingâ, but it doesnât have to be a âyouâ thing. Personally, I never used OLD precisely because, by definition, itâs a platform for people who want to date someone, not people who want to get to know me. So just imagining myself being part of that methodical selection, becoming a candidate who gets tested, killed all the potential romance for me. None of the women with whom Iâve had serious relationships with was looking to date. They were all fine being alone, or at least were having no expectations or timetables to stop being single. They werenât looking for someone, they just happened to like me. On the contrary, some of my less important, shorter relationships were with women who were sort of restless, eager to find a partner. The moment I felt that I could be theoretically replaced with someone else whoâd they consider a better match, I lost all interest.
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