Graciejones Posted March 27 Posted March 27 Hi everyone, I fell like I’m searching for what I already know, but need some help. I 36/F started seeing a man who worked as a bouncer 38/M. We had an on/off situation when he would see lots of other girls, but I didn’t have a lot of self worth and I really liked him- or his potential. I was 19 at the time. He would love bomb, sleep with me and then ghost me for a couple weeks and the pattern would continue. (Sad seeing it written down!) After a few years or so, he got tangled in a mess with a woman who was 13 years older than him and a policewoman. She was a bit unhinged (probably because of him) and she would contact me a lot. It was difficult to hear but I removed myself from the situation. Things got out of control for them and he repeated his cycle with this woman (and many others) and would manipulate her with sexual desires- but like quite out there and graphic and manipulated her into doing them. He ended up being arrested and let go. During the arrest he contacted me and asked me to be a character witness. He sounded broken, I knew she wasn’t nice either and he’d never spoken or asked from the sexual desires from me. I stood by him and supported him- stupidly. I was to add here- I was so low in the grieving process, I had terrible thoughts and it’s shaped me into someone today who struggles to see my value. But I got over him- just always wondered what if. Years went by but he would message me checking in. I didn’t always reply and when I did he asked me to start dating him and I would laugh it off and say no way etc and stop messaging. He always would try though. I sometimes even explained my relationship woes and he’d talk to be about it. Anyway- my current relationship broke down and stupidly within a week I messaged him and we met up and had sex. It was an incredible night. He messaged on his way home saying he has to pinch himself as he didn’t believe it was real. I thought this man was different. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said he’d been talking to someone but wanted to stop after our night together. He’s was so consistent and loving for 3 weeks. Showed me his home he’d built and asked if I could see myself happy there etc But my ex got hold of his number and called him loads. 15 times one night, and then another time which the bouncer answered. My ex being involved and has made him pull away and I’m convinced he’s talking to someone else. He said that he didn’t want hassle in his life and it put him off me. After a couple of red flags from him- I asked if he saw me as a genuine connection. He said - If the hassle stops and is sorted out I think yes I can be but all that stuff needs to be sorted which you know anyway xx I replied with - Yeah I get it, but let’s leave it. I get the hassle thing, but I want someone who is sure about me, and this is already hurting. Like I said, loved spending time with you xx And he said - I think that’s shame, but I can’t change your decision, **** is your problem and hassle. You have the power to change it or not. I was open and straight up from when we met in the hotel but you weren’t fully honest with me. So if you want it to work you would need to sort out that mess first xx I didn’t message back. Now, I don’t know if I’m being dramatic and running at the first problem. He has always been manipulative and makes things my fault. Even when he was sleeping with other girls- I was the crazy one. But what if he’s changed? I haven’t replied and he hasn’t reached out since. It was a week ago Friday. What do I do? Run? Will he message me again? I figured if he liked me, he’d support me through my ex giving me a hard time like I supported him all those years ago. I feel so scared I’m back at square one. Do I message him? Do I block him? I find that hard because what if he comes back? Am I being dramatic? Is there a way it can work for us? It’s been 16 years and apart from my family - that’s the longest I’ve known someone. It can’t all have been for nothing?
BaileyB Posted March 27 Posted March 27 (edited) 2 hours ago, Graciejones said: It can’t all have been for nothing. This relationship was never meant to be work out for you. He is clearly not a healthy partner for anyone. This experience was always meant to be a lesson for you. In that way, it was something very important. This is the kind of relationship that a woman has in her twenties that teaches her not to accept this kind of behavior from a man in the future. This experience can lead a woman to choose better and find a healthier relationship for herself in the future - if she learns the lesson. The fact that you are still inviting this kind of drama into your life is a real problem for you… Edited March 27 by BaileyB 1
Ina4544 Posted March 27 Posted March 27 The problem with this guy is he's always having sex with other people. That means his loyalty to you is on/off. When he's with someone else, it feels right to him to betray you, abandon you, and tell you everything you're feeling is "wrong" in order to strengthen the "exclusive relationship" he has with the other person. And of course, if you need anything from him, like help dealing with a troublesome ex, you're asking too much. That would be like asking him to nurture the relationship you have with him, and you're wrong for asking for that because he's with the other woman, who is more important. When he gets bored with her, he'll come back to you and lure you in with lots of promises, both spoken and implied, that he knows he won't keep. He's done this so many times with so many people that he's created a handy script that he can just read without having to pay much attention to who he's talking to. If you like being on a rollercoaster, with the few thrilling moments measured by how much you can convince yourself to believe in lies, then by all means stick with him.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 27 Posted March 27 8 hours ago, Graciejones said: It can’t all have been for nothing? Sure, it can. And it is. For some reason, you don't want to see this clown for who he really is. But here you are, all these years later, still involved in this nonsense. The fact that's been so long isn't a good sign. It simply means that you haven't learned from the past. Aren't you tired of this?
Recommended Posts