Swinger

[LaylaS19]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I have always been a mono person with the exception of two experimental experiences. He has been involved in a swingers lifestyle prior to me. I have been involved in One MMF in my late teens and one MFF experience with my current partner. During My MMF experience, I was going through some self worth issues and never really felt like I was enough and essentially just wanted to be loved and wanted. My MFF experience was the desire to try something new and have this experience. With the MFF experience, I wanted to enjoy it more than I did and essentially tried to convince myself I enjoyed it. I have always struggled with feeling that I am enough, self worth and body positivity issues. After the MFF experience, my boyfriend talked a lot about how hot the other female was for a few days afterwards, and didn’t really say much about me which made me very self conscious, upset, jealous and angry. 

 

My partner, had been heavily involved a lot of MMF experiences prior to me and this was his first MFF experience. I’m aware this would have been very exciting for him. I am his first real relationship and so he hasn’t ever been the one in the relationship inviting someone in. He hasn’t dealt with the jealousy, emotions and essentially all the work that has to happen for a poly relationship to happen. He’s always been the guy who shows up, has the fun and leaves. 

 

We have had a few conversations about this lifestyle and because of how the MFF encounter went, I’m fairy put off by it and to be honest, didn’t overly enjoy it. I know that at this point in my life, I also wouldn’t enjoy a MMF encounter and it would feel more degrating to me more than anything. 

 

He has not put a lot of pressure on me, other than to be open to the lifestyle. Maybe to go to a swingers party and be open to meeting others. To give it a chance. 

 

The more I read about it and learn, it has to be mutually beneficial to both parties. That you have to look at it like, how does this enhance your relationship. For example, if I were to be asexual and he was very sexual. Then he could get all the sex he requires, and we could continue on with a happy marriage. We are quite sexually active with each other. I have always been more comfortable with one person sexually. 

 

What I can’t give him anymore is the new feeling of a sexual encounter. He’s used to me and my body. I can’t and will never be able to give him that new exciting spark. Whenever this conversation comes about, I can’t help but feel not enough. What is he not getting from me, that he can get from someone else. He is also not a very affectionate person outside of the bedroom which I have said that I need more affection from him. He’s acknowledged that, and is making an effort to do better for my needs, but we still aren’t there yet. He is aware that he needs to show me more love.  

 

There has been some trust issues in the past where I did catch him on fetlife without my knowledge commenting on girls photos. He said he was never going to act on those comments, but it brings him a level of excitement when you feel like you are wanted by numerous people and it’s a turn on. There is no asexuality or disability involved. I don’t think our sex life is vanilla and I am very open to new experiences or fetishes between the two of us. 

 

My partner also works away. He’s gone for 3/4 weeks at a time. I work 1.5 full time jobs, I’m a mom who shares custody of her daughter 50/50. I try and meal prep and keep a clean house and run little people to activities. I’m excited when my partner comes home to us. I want to spend time with him. I am trying to find time to finish a book I started reading a year ago or have a bath. The last thing I feel like doing is spending time trying to line up a third to satisfy his sexual needs. My part time job is an online cam girl. I do it solely for the money. There is nothing there that truly turns me on. I have a few high tippers that I message with frequently, but solely to keep them as tippers. I had said the other day, that I’m really not interested in this lifestyle and it’s not for me. I’m not something I’m comfortable with and he said, well not with that attitude. I had used an example, to see what his response would be. The example was, if I wanted to be involved in a situation where we got a hotel room and set up an event where I was the only female, and 8-12 men were there, including you, to take a go at me, would you be bothered. He said if that is something you are interested in, I could set that up for you. It would not bother me as much as you would think. this comment made my stomach turn. He’s supposed to be my provider and safe place. When I say provider, I don’t mean financially. I mean provide in loyalty, commitment, respect and boundaries. He’s supposed to keep me safe, and that comment made me feel so completely unsafe. 

 

The more I read about this, I am feeling like maybe he’s more of a pig and less about how this could be mutually beneficial to our relationship.

[MsJayne]

1. Your self-respect is priceless and if lost is very hard to replace. You're currently jeopardising it by hanging out with someone who is blatantly using you.  

2. It's not your job to worry about satisfying the sexual needs of a creep.

3. Your boyfriend is a massive creep.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are fundamentally and absolutely sexually incompatible. 

I don't see how this will ever work. And I say that as soneone who's quite sexually open-minded and has experimented with threesomes and what not. If I knew my parter were remotely uncomfortable with it, there is no way I would keep pushing for more or trying to convince them to be open to it. No. Just no.

Unfortunately, you each want the other to be someone you're just not. You're not wrong to want and need sexual monogamy. He isn't wrong to want non-monogamy. You just really should not be together as you will never be able to satisfy the other's true desires or needs. 

I'm sorry. I would end it. 

[BaileyB]

You said several times during your post that you are not interested in opening your relationship to other sexual partners/experiences. It’s quite clear what you want for your relationship…

And it’s quite clear what your partner wants for his relationship. 

You are not compatible. Full stop. 
 

1 hour ago, LaylaS19 said:

What I can’t give him anymore is the new feeling of a sexual encounter. He’s used to me and my body. I can’t and will never be able to give him that new exciting spark.

There is great pleasure to be found in a long term relationship when you know your partner, you know how to please your partner, and you share a mutually enjoyable and loving sexual relationship. 

Your partner has not moved beyond the porn-loving frat boy stage of life… which is fine - to each their own. 

You need to find a man who feels the same way that you do about relationships and intimacy. This is not your guy.

As Jayne said so beautifully above - your self respect is priceless. Don’t give  your dignity and self respect away to a man who would happily make the arrangements to “share” you with 8-10 of his closest friends. That’s not love or respect. 

Edited March 26 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LaylaS19 said:

I’m a mom who shares custody of her daughter 50/50.

Are you aware Layla that a very high percentage of childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by the (often live-in) unrelated male partner of the child’s mother?  

I’m not saying that this man is a pedophile. I’m just thinking about that fact and this situation in a different way. Your primary responsibility in life is to care for and protect your daughter. Does that put the internal debate you are having about whether to compromise your own feelings and better instincts to satisfy his sexual fantasies into a different context?

This guy is showing some seriously concerning behaviors when he tells you that he would make arrangements for you to have sex with multiple men… Ignore this red flag not only at your own risk, but also your child who has no ability to protect herself if his sexual fetishes extend to more sexually deviant behavior…

Edited March 26 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, LaylaS19 said:

He’s used to me and my body. I can’t and will never be able to give him that new exciting spark.

I assure you that it is possible to have continuous exciting spark with the same partner if there is a lot of mutual attraction and sexual compatibility and willingness to understand each other sexually and please each other.

Obviously there is a massive incompatibility between you and your boyfriend. This isn’t going to work. If you want a monogamous relationship, you can’t stay with this man.

[BaileyB]

Why did you post again? The responses in your other thread are encouraging you to listen to the voice that says - this is causing you significant anxiety and making you very uncomfortable - you need to listen to those feelings…

Something is not right if you are not able to let go of a man who is asking you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable and “less than.” You say that you love him - maybe you need to love yourself more. 

Edited March 27 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, LaylaS19 said:

I feel self conscious, and not enough. I feel like old boring news…

One of my all time favorite quotes - “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

No truer words have been said. 

Why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to be what you think he wants you to be when it doesn’t feel right or good to you? 

There is literally NOTHING WRONG with saying, I do not want to have sex with other people. You are enough just as you are - and if he doesn’t recognize that, that’s his problem… not yours. 
 

Edited March 27 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

There is no need to discuss this any further...kick him to the curb.