Does he like me or just my attention/ friendship? UPDATED

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I recently met a guy through my friends circle. I’m mid 30s, he’s early 40s. This friends circle is actually from a social group that I run (been running it for 6 months, 200 members so far, lots of events), which he joined a month ago.

I’ve now met this guy 5 times at different social events that we have both attended. There’s a spark and a chemistry between us which I think we both feel. I’ve not felt this way about other men in the group (I’ve been asked out by a few guys from the group over the months but I’ve not reciprocated their interest).

This man recently separated from his wife of 8 years; they split up 6 months ago. He has 3 children with her whom he sees often and has custody of most of the time.

I get the feeling that he has some interest in me; whenever we are both at social events, he is intent on spending a lot of time talking with me rather than talking to others. I try to talk to everyone if it’s an event I’m hosting (some events I host and some I don’t), and he is very respectful of this but talks to me a lot when I’m able to converse with him. He likes to ask me deep questions as to get to know me on a deeper level, and I see a spark there which is quite distinct. 

However, in-between social events which are the only times we see each other, he never initiates contact. He looks at my stories on WhatsApp and Facebook, but that’s it. If I text him, he texts me back. But he never tries to continue the conversation.

I’m soon going on vacation for 2 weeks and am doing 2 more events before I fly off abroad. This guy can’t actually make it to these 2 events before I go because he has some plans with his children on those days (school production and something else).

I decided to ‘test the waters’ recently, and am trying to make sense of his response and whether it indicates anything. I said to him in a playful manner that it is a little sad I won’t see him again for a month.

His response to this was, “that length of time is way too long, we should get a quick coffee or something if our paths don’t cross before you go away”. I replied “that would be nice ☺️”. 
That exchange was 3 days ago and I’ve not heard anything from him since. I’m off on my trip at the end of next week.

Would love to hear some thoughts 🌸 I do like this guy but I don’t want to let myself get too excited if he might just like my attention rather than me/ like me as a friend. Hard to tell 🤔

Thank you

Edited April 7 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

his man recently separated from his wife of 8 years; they split up 6 months ago. He has 3 children with her whom he sees often and has custody of most of the time.

He's going through a divorce and learning to be a single parent to his kids.  I cannot imagine that he is in any shape to be thinking about a romantic involvement at this point.  At best, he needs a buddy (although it sounds as though he is trying to maintain a boundary with you).  At worst, you'd be a rebound. 

[flitzanu]

he never initiates contact outside of your scheduled events, and you gave an opening saying he should ask you out, and he didn't, and subsequently has not even bothered speaking to you for going on 3 days since that exchange.

there's no sign that this man is interested in any romantic relationship with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's overly interested. 

He doesn't reach out to you and his suggestion to get coffee "if you cross patths" is lukewarm. I would leave it there, bb. 

[basil67]

There's nothing here to suggest romantic interest.    What I do see is that you're a good host at events and you make him feel welcome, so he spends a lot of time chatting with you.   And note that he offered a "quick coffee" rather than a date.

Have you considered introducing him to some friendly regulars?   He's probably in need of rebuilding friendships

Edited March 26 by basil67

[babybrowns]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think he's overly interested. 

He doesn't reach out to you and his suggestion to get coffee "if you cross patths" is lukewarm. I would leave it there, bb. 

Thanks, sorry he said we should get coffee ‘if we don’t cross paths’ - still sound insignificant?

Edited March 26 by babybrowns

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

And note that he offered a "quick coffee" rather than a date.

Have you considered introducing him to some friendly regulars?   He's probably in need of rebuilding friendships

Thanks Basil. I am thinking he might have made the proposal for a casual meetup since he wasn’t sure how I’d respond; whether or not I’d be up for seeing him 1:1. I had never made the suggestion of us meeting alone, this was initiated by him.

He has made some lovely new friendships from my group and is enjoying his experiences with us

[basil67]

Did you notice that he didn't ask when you were available?  That's because he was politely blowing you off.

It's exactly the same as when you run into an acquaintance on the street and someone says "we should get coffee!" and the other says "yes, that would be great!" and you both know it's never going to happen.

Edited March 26 by basil67

[babybrowns]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Extremely insignificant.   It's what I'd say to someone who I really have no plans to catch up with.   

You know how it goes:  "We should get coffee!"   "Yes we should!"  and both people end the conversation knowing it's never going to happen

Yes; it’s the uncertainty that made me post on here. But I don’t get why he would suggest a coffee if he has no interest. He could have just said something like ‘I might bump into you at an event if I have a change of plans’. A 1:1 meet is surely different to that no?

[basil67]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

Yes; it’s the uncertainty that made me post on here. But I don’t get why he would suggest a coffee if he has no interest. He could have just said something like ‘I might bump into you at an event if I have a change of plans’. A 1:1 meet is surely different to that no?

Did he ask you when you are available?   If not, then he has no plans to make it happen

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

However, in-between social events which are the only times we see each other, he never initiates contact.

He separated six months ago and he is now co-parenting three children… this man is not ready to date and be in a new relationship. 

There is no reason why you can’t be friends with the man, but I would not have any expectation of dating the man at this time…

Edited March 26 by BaileyB

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Yes; it’s the uncertainty that made me post on here. But I don’t get why he would suggest a coffee if he has no interest. He could have just said something like ‘I might bump into you at an event if I have a change of plans’. A 1:1 meet is surely different to that no?

I said this above, but I think it got missed because I was editing:  It's exactly the same as when you run into an acquaintance on the street and someone says "we should get coffee!" and the other says "yes, that would be great!" and you both know it's never going to happen.   In short, you put him on the spot and he quickly said whatever came to mind.   

That aside, I would argue that it's not ethical of you to date men you meet through groups you host.   Your role is to welcome them, and you can't do that properly if you've dated and it ended.  Particularly if it ended badly.  

Edited March 26 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

Don't get your hopes up about this guy.  His interest in you sounds mild at best.  "We should grab a quick coffee"... that sounds SO platonic and casual.  And then the fact that he never made any effort to make actual plans with you kinda says it all.  

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 But I don’t get why he would suggest a coffee if he has no interest. He could have just said something like ‘I might bump into you at an event if I have a change of plans’. A 1:1 meet is surely different to that no?

It's the same reason why people say "Oh we should hang out sometime" even though they know they are never going to do it.

You sound like you are grasping at straws here.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks, sorry he said we should get coffee ‘if we don’t cross paths’ - still sound insignificant?

Essentially, yes. 

I woudn't hold your breath. And as the others have pointed out, he's only very recently out of a marriage. It's unlikely that he'd be a viable candidate for dating at this time anyway. 

[La.Primavera]

Like you, I would have taken his suggestion for coffee as a sign of interest, but his lack of follow up makes it clear he wasn't serious about it, which is disappointing

For what it's worth, there probably is a little spark of chemistry, but it doesn't mean that he is willing to take it further than a casual conversation.  That's no slight on you.  It's just where he is at in his life.  

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone

A few weeks ago I posted a thread about a guy I’m interested in, trying to gage whether or not he returns my interest. Since then there have been some new developments and he took me out for dinner this weekend, and we shared a kiss at the end of the date. I’m going on a trip abroad for a couple of weeks with my friends and he’s already talking about planning something for when I come back. 

Initially I was quite excited, because after a long time, several years in fact, I feel that I might have met a man who ticks a lot of my boxes. I am normally very hard to please.

However, having reflected on things, I am now hesitating about getting involved with him. The first thing is that he is newly separated from his wife of 10 years. She left him 6 months ago, which he said took him by surprise. However, he was the one to initiate divorce proceedings following her walking out on him, which are currently in process and set to be finalised in July as he told me. NB he’s in his early 40s, and I’m mid 30s.

He still refers to his wife and himself as “we”. Eg during a conversation we had on our date about countries we have been to on vacations, he said “before we had kids, we went there” referring to him and his wife.  He has three young children with his wife, whom he has for most days of the week (his wife has a very busy career whereas he only works part time).

I asked him if there was any chance of him and his wife getting back together before the divorce is all finalised and he gave me a clear “no”. He said that since the split, he has finally “found himself” and “can be himself again for the first time in years”. 

After the date he had with me, he even thanked me for letting him feel so free to be himself and thanked me for being myself with him as well. (I had mentioned to him during the date that even I couldn’t properly be myself when I was with my ex, with whom I broke up a few years ago).

I met this guy through a voluntary social group I run on Facebook for people to make new friends in our local area. We do regular social events like bowling, brunches etc. He said that I have helped him find some happiness again from this group, one reason being that he has met a few other men on the group whom he clicks well with and who are also in a similar situation to him in terms of a recent marriage breakdown.

While it is good that this guy is getting himself out there again after the recent separation, I am also wondering whether the guy likes me for me, or just because I give him attention. I am someone that likes to compliment people when I see good things in them and I have often showered him with compliments about his character and his outlook on life etc.

But sadly, to this day he has never given me one compliment. About anything at all. I don’t even know what he likes about me, if indeed he does like me or just likes the fact that a new younger woman is providing a distraction for him away from the divorce. One nice thing that he has said about me however is that I am “different to anyone else he has in his life, in a very good way.”

But during our date, he didn’t ask me one thing about myself. I asked him a lot of things about himself and we spoke about me only when I gave information voluntarily. Having said that, he’s a good listener, and tends to always remember things I’ve said to him about me, like the times we have spoken before at group meetups.

At the end of the date, it was I who initiated the first kiss, not him. We hugged and he was looking at my lips, perhaps unsure as to whether to make a move, but when I leaned towards him he also leaned in and we kissed. But then he wanted to initiate a second kiss, which was nice.

This man is someone whom I’m very fond of. As mentioned, he is the first man I have met in several years who ticks a lot of my boxes. But given the level of fondness and liking I have for him, in the backdrop of the above, I am wary of proceeding. I don’t want to get emotionally involved only to get my heart broken if he is not emotionally ready at this point to meet someone new, even if he feels that he might be. I want someone who celebrates me just as I celebrate them, and this guy seems to enjoy the latter whilst not feeling too much of the former I think.

Would love to hear some thoughts. Thanks in advance for your inputs!

 

Edited April 7 by babybrowns

[enterthevoid]

You initiating the first kiss is fine.  Some guys are shy and nervous.  They don't want to cross any boundaries or be creepy, so they may wait until they're sure she is interested.

However, him not asking you any question about yourself is a problem.  That's inconsiderate.  It gives off the impression he doesn't value you aside from him being physically attracted to you.  The purpose of a date is to get to know each other. 

It's possible that he's a good person, but just froze up and was nervous, but even if that's true, he's still going to have to work on his social skills if he wants to be dating.  Because that's unacceptable to go on dates and not share a conversation.

Also, with recently single people, I think it depends on who broke up with who.  If he left her, that would be one thing.  But with her dumping him, I'd be concerned that he still misses her and isn't over her.

Edited April 7 by enterthevoid

[introverted1]

Is this the same guy as here:

Does he like me or just my attention-friendship?

[ExpatInItaly]

He sounds like an alright guy, but I wouldn't hold my breath for anyone freshly-dumped by their spouse.

Even if the marriage needed to end, it's unlikely he'd be all healed and ready for a new person in his life. You can see how things go but I would personally keep my expectations low. 

[Alpacalia]

He does not seem curious about you, so yes, maybe he's more into the attention you're giving rather than you as a person. The only compliment was about you being different, which is vague.

Six months post-separation (after a 10-year marriage) is very fresh. Even if he initiated the divorce, emotional processing often lags behind legal steps. Rebound relationships are common here, as people tend to seek validation or distraction.

The truth is, even if he’s a great guy, the timing and emotional availability just aren’t there yet.

If he’s not asking about you, don’t over-invest in asking about him. If he’s not giving compliments, don’t shower him with them. Let him show you what kind of effort he’s willing to make.

He’s in flux; you don’t need to be.