Amby5103 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I moved in with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, ever since our sex life isn't the same. I check the history on the computer and everyday he looks at porn or girls sexual xanga sites. He complains if I touch him to much and it is starting to put stress on our relationship. I feel like Im not good enough for him..What should I do?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 If your sex life was ok, and he wasn't pushing you away (literally) I'd say that it sounds like regular old fantasy/porn use. In this case though I would say that the problem isn't porn. Porn is the symptom of a greater problem (and aggravates the greater problems): relationship stress and loss of desire (on his part). Perhaps moving in caused some greater emotional problems for him than he anticipated. It could be also a bit of sexual burnout as well and he is substituting what he sees as more varied for the real thing. There is only one way around this and it is that he has to talk to you about this. Not about porn, but about your relationship. If he shuts down and refuses to talk about what is really going on, then you may want to consider stepping the relationship down a notch or two (even consider moving out again) until he is ready to talk to you. It is not fair to you that you should have to live without desire, and have porn substituted for what used to be a satisfying sex life. I can recommend a good book called "He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man" - there are a few chapters in the book which deal directly with the problems you are having with the porn vs sex issues and relationship problems. I've found some interesting insights in that book so far. The second half is a straightforward guide to pleasuring, but the first half talks more about what goes on inside the male sexuality/mind itself.
lindya Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Moving in together must have been been quite a change for both of you. Speaking as one who values her privacy, I'd be perturbed if a boyfriend who'd just moved in with me was checking the history on the pc each day after I'd used it. I'd feel pretty invaded - and I can kind of understand the feeling of not wanting to be touched by someone who would do that. That's not meant to offend you - it's just one perspective. I know that co-habitation is all about learning to share space and give up a lot of your privacy...but it takes time for people to adjust to that. I think your bf's behaviour is indicating that he wants a bit of space and privacy. It's possible to live with someone and still give them that...but it might be easier if you have a bolthole to go to for just now, while the two of you are still getting used to living together.
helena abadi Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 moving in together is a big jump in intimacy. it does sound as though he's not handling the expectations so well. he may also harbour feelings of sexual inadequacy, or as LB says, sexual burnout. i would feel really uncomfortable if i found my SO doing this. if he doesn't want to talk about it, then perhaps you need to review the wisdom of living together. maybe it's more than he can handle.
Author Amby5103 Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 He doesn't know that I check the history on the comp. And I don't really have anywhere to go to give him space I moved away from my family and friends so we could be together. Today I found a saved file (by accident) from Nov. of a girl he was aparently IMing and told he didn't have a girlfriend. I know it is probably just talk, but it just makes me feel like I can't trust him.
bluetuesday Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Today I found a saved file (by accident) from Nov. of a girl he was aparently IMing and told he didn't have a girlfriend. I know it is probably just talk, but it just makes me feel like I can't trust him. i don't think you can trust him. he lied and pretended you didn't exist to another girl. it may have been 'just talk' but he was deceiving both of you. not a very nice thing to do. even if he is (or was) IMing another woman behind your back with no intention of acting on it, even if it was just some fantasy he was acting out, a fantasy that requires you don't exist is probably not a good sign.
helena abadi Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 a man who plays down his attached status in order to secure the interest of another woman is not to be trusted. period.
JadeStar Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 Porn is one thing, but when hes telling another girl his status as far as not having a g/f or being involved with another, then thats a bigger problem. He is not ready for a commited relationship. Jade
Author Amby5103 Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 So I confronted him about the saved IM, he said it was nothing and from when we lived four states away from each other and he was just bored. I don't know if I believe it was just nothing, but at least it's off my chest now.
Author Amby5103 Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 So I found out one of the xanga sites he looks at everyday is his ex-gf. She called him a few months ago and told him she wanted to be with him again. He told her that she had hurt him to many times and didn't want to go through it again. She writes little messages on it to him (without saying his name), she put lyrics to a song for him, I don't know what to do...maybe it's just my own insecurities. Any advice?
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 would probably be hard for you to hear. I will just say, this doesn't look good.
Flicker Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I just have some questions: Does he know how worried and upset you are about this? Does he care? If the answer is yes, ask him to do something about it. Ask him not to have any contact with the ex and to not visit the site. Then, if he does this, don't just believe him. Check up on him again. If he has done as you ask (which after shouldn't be too much to ask), excellent. If he's still being dodgy. Get angry.
Author Amby5103 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 I confronted him this week about the ex-gf stuff. Of course he got pissed and turned it all around to me and why I shouldn't be looking at his stuff. I explained to him how I felt about it. And asked him to tell me if she tries to contact him, he said there was no reason to cause it would just make me jelouse. But apparently she called him wednesday...which he told me about and he told her he didn't want to be with her and never would. He hasn't checked her site all week so i guess that's a plus.
Vincent Vega Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Sexual xanga sites? I thought xanga was just like a blog site or something?
Author Amby5103 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 it is but there are a lot of girls using it like a porn site
Candied-Heart Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I would be very concerned if : a] Ex is in contact at all. b] Ex is being 'hidden' from me. c] Dodgy behaviour of his, is being blamed on my 'insecurity'. If it were about my feeling jealous or insecure, and that was the reason he was hiding her 'contact' it would be better off informing me so that I DIDN'T form incorrect assumptions as to why he is talking or 'watching' her via a webpage. You know, that whole eliminating the doubt factor and keeping the trust between us. He hasn't done this for you. He has been almost obsessing over a past love and if he has you he shouldn't be checking up on her whereabouts and her feelings and her actions. Whether it is there and welcomed for him to see or not. His concern should be with you. Why does he resist this? Today I found a saved file (by accident) from Nov. of a girl he was aparently IMing and told he didn't have a girlfriend. I know it is probably just talk, but it just makes me feel like I can't trust him. I had the EXACT same thing happen to me a few years ago. I believed his pathetic lies at the time when I confronted him, and discovered he was cheating in the end, not with the girl in the IM but with his 'other GF' who apparently he had well before me. He wasn't at all prepared to be with anyone. He needed to sort himself out. I think this guy is a dud. Yeah - The porn thing is a general guy thing, and ]as others have said] if it weren't for the current 'bad' state of your relationship I'd assume it to be just that, but because he is busying himself with other women you need to do as others have suggested and put the relationship on pause until he's man enough to talk openly and honestly about your problems. Otherwise, move away and find a real man.
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