bumblebeee Posted March 24 Posted March 24 TL;DR version at the bottom, but I really hope someone would read the whole story and give me an honest perspective, a this has been bothering me for weeks now!! I met this guy on a dating app around 9 months ago. He lives in another country, and barely speaks English (yes I know, bare with me). We video chatted in the beginning, and I actually liked him, but I thought there were too many obstacles between us for a viable relationship, so I didn’t take him too seriously. He, however, wanted progress things and promised he would learn English and come visit me. I chatted with him on & off for months. Sometimes during that process, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, but didn’t completely stop talking other prospects since we hadn’t met. Another reason was because I was still hung up on an ex (he’s history now). He once asked if could hire him so he could be in my country, but seemed he seemed hesitant to come when I suggested he could get a job near my city. He asked me to visit his city since his small business doesn’t make much money and he has trouble saving up. I slowly got over the ex and hadn’t met anyone I really like in real life so I slowly turned my attention to him. I suggested I would go see him I Nov (which didn’t end up happening that time because I only just realized how long the flight would be and i didn’t get enough leave). I felt when I turned my attention to him was when he started to cool down towards me. We usually talk everyday, but there would be periods where he disappeared for a couple of days. He tells me life is hard for him as he struggles financially (I know he’s not making this up). I did send him a small amount of money to him to help out (I know, I know.. but it was only a small amount). He said he will come and live with me if we meet and get along well, but could be confusing, as he would comment he would like to marry me in a catholic church, then when I once flirtatiously told him he could have me forever, he would pause, then when I backtracked he said he wanted me too, but would say stuff like “why don’t you consider someone closer to you?” So fast forward another two months, I ended up going there to meet him in January of this year. I treated him to nice hotels and restaurants and we had an amazing 10 days together. He treated me VERY well, and was always affectionate and attentive. Throughout the trip, he would occasionally suggest that we could go somewhere cheaper but I said I was fine with treating him. He looked sort of uncomfortable in expensive places. I really liked him and I suggested I could hire him in my country or even go to another country and I could start a company and we could live there. Then he would have some excuse like he was scared and that he would have to learn English, and that he would be ‘far away’ from me if he got a job in my country (I once suggested he worked in a place around two hours from where I am as they like to hire expats). I also suggested I could open up a beauty shop (my expertise) and stay I his country and he just sort of scoffed. Around the second last day, we were lying in bed, and he asked me for a favour. I kinda knew what he wanted to ask as I knew he didn’t have any income when he was vacationing with me, and he told me his shop wasn’t good asked if I could help with rent and promised he would never ask me for money again. At that point, I felt I had to lay it all out on the table, and I straight up asked him where he saw us in a year. He said he needed to work and maybe we could see each other in another country but “didn’t want to get my hopes up”. At that point I was pretty pissed off. So I asked where he saw us longterm, and he said “I don’t know”. Then I started crying and he asked why I was crying. I sort of ignored him the whole day and he didn’t eat anything cos he didn’t have any money. He told me the plan was for him to learn English and then move him and his kids to my country. I didn’t really believe him cos I was sick of all his excuses and mixed signals. We were on an island which is an hour plane ride from where he lived. In the evening when we got back to our hotel, we talked finally, and I straight up said if he didn’t see a future, he should just say so. He told me he felt pressured, and asked me I thought about staying in his country instead. I said moving is hard but I would if there are no alternatives and apologize for being cold that day. I contemplated just leaving him there because I was just so damn pissed off. But I reluctantly bought him a ticket in the end. The next day, I took an earlier flight to his town cos he had to go and obtain some documents. We were originally going to meet up to say goodbye as I was heading home that day, and he mssged me saying that his battery was running out and he hadn’t eaten all day so maybe he should head home. I offered to buy him a meal, and we ate at a restaurant and talked normally like before. He walked me to my departure gate, we kissed and he said “see you soon”. So fast forward a few days, I hear nothing from him. I made some small talk, and he would view my Instagram stories and say stuff like “he’s happy for me” (I was posting old vacation pictures), and “blessings to you forever”, which sort of suggests he doesn’t see us seeing each other again. But would breadcrumb me with “how are you” etc. Eventually, I asked him whether I was different from what he expected, and he replied I his own language which translates to “We are from different worlds because of your pace of life and the money you have. I think you are used to people doing what you want.” I denied it and explained I only liked to spend on trips because the flight is already so expensive and you might as well make the most of it. Eventually, we got around to discussing what happened. I expressed my disappointment in how things turned out, and he wrote “I am also disappointed in what happened. You asked me what was wrong and trusting you I told you my concern. You even asked me how much I needed to not work for a week to be with you. I shouldn't have said anything and everything would be fine now. The worst of all was that because of your inconvenience I didn't have breakfast, lunch or dinner all day when you knew I didn't have any money. Imagine if that happened when I was with you in _____ (my country) I would have had to beg on the street. I'm not perfect but I wouldn't let you starve for something so stupid. Maybe all that happened and I'm not spiteful.” And I apologized again. I’m getting a lot of mixed signals from this guy. On valentine’s day, he wrote “happy valentine’s day” in English (he usually posts in his own language), and also posted a song with lyrics that say he hopes for a valentine that pretty much describes me. He still watches around half my stories. He recently posted a story about how he’d marry a girl if she gifted him a set of football gear as he loves football. I jokingly told him he should have just asked for that instead of an expensive trip, and he replied I should have said so at the time and that he didn’t understand anything anymore. After that, he started updating more often with videos and pics of him at the gym, him watching football, and a tik tok comedy clip where are man tells a woman that “if she thinks she can buy him with gifts… she’s right” I didn’t watch his last story, and now he’s gone completely quiet. What I want to know is: Is he trying to tell me something here, or am I overthinking? Does he expect me to ‘fix’ this issue since he appears to think it’s my fault? Given what happened, was me ignoring him for a day and him not getting any food really that bad? Honestly, I’m mature enough to know mixed signals aren’t good, and I feel that I already made most of the effort. Do you think he was never that serious, hence the mixed signals at the beginning? Do you think him saying ‘we’re from different worlds’ is legit or it’s just an excuse cos he didn’t like me enough? I can usually tell if a guy isn’t into me. The way he treated me during the trip say otherwise. He would always put me first, little things like making sure the water’s the right temperature before we showered, giving me his jacket when I was cold, making sure I ate enough so I wouldn’t get hungry etc. etc. but he seemed reluctant to make things more serious. Am I expecting too much too soon? Do you think his gift story is a hint that I should gift him something to make amends? Or a i reading too much? I REALLY like this guy, I don’t want to give up just yet despite the obstacles. What’s your take on my situation, and what would you do if you were me. Thank for ANY input!! TL;DR version: Met a guy on an app, he lives in another country. He pursued aggressively at first, cooled down a bit when I started to reciprocate. Claims to want something serious, and will move to be with me if things go well if I go to see him (he’s not financially well off). I went to see him. Things go very well until I asked what he thought of us longterm. He was unsure, and I was upset at his response and felt played. I let him starve for a day and he was upset about this. We appeared to patch things up before I left, but he didn’t seem to want to continue the relationship. He would continue to give mixed signals by texting things which suggested we would not see each other again, post cryptic stories about wanting a valentine like me and that he could be bought with gifts. I ignored his last story, and he’s stopped posting since. I want to try again with this guy. What should I do?
Acacia98 Posted March 24 Posted March 24 (edited) I think the circumstances are all wrong: you cannot build a healthy relationship with him. He's struggling financially and you're pretty well off. That means there's already a huge gap between you. In addition, it's a long distance relationship. In order to see each other, each of you should ideally be able to pay his or her way. And in order to relocate (in the long term), whoever is relocating should be able to achieve financial stability without having to depend on the other person. Financial dependence should not exist between two people who are getting to know each other. It should only become a consideration, if at all, once they have a solid relationship and are ready to make a commitment to each other. I think he's being more realistic than you are. He is right to wonder why you're not dating someone who lives closer to you. He's also right to recognize that you come from different worlds. Mind you, you've already shown that when he doesn't do what you want, you're quite capable of letting him go hungry or planning to leave him stranded. I don't know why you would want him to show commitment to a future together when things are as they are. Frankly speaking, he can't possibly know what the future holds if he can't pay his rent. And I'm not saying that paying his rent is your problem. That's something he needs to figure out on his own. Perhaps he needs to set aside dating altogether and focus on achieving financial stability. Then, when he's more financially secure, he can plan his love life based on what he can afford and can realistically aspire to. For now, ignore whatever mixed signals he may be trying to send you. Edited March 24 by Acacia98
Author bumblebeee Posted March 25 Author Posted March 25 (edited) Thanks a lot! I do like like him enough to pay for both of us, but I may have traumatized him when I let him go hungry. I did tell him I'd be willing to move for him as a last resort. If / should he become more stable later, do you think it's possible he could consider a relationship with me or is the damage done? What should I do in the meantime? Just be there as a friend? Or just do my own thing and let him come to me (of course I will consider other options as well)? Edited March 25 by bumblebeee
Author bumblebeee Posted March 25 Author Posted March 25 p.s. it's not like me to have a short temper, but I've never flown across countries before to see someone AND pay for it. his ambivalence just made me feel played. but.. is there a way to make him trust me again and repair the damage I've done?
Gebidozo Posted March 25 Posted March 25 6 hours ago, bumblebeee said: What should I do? Forget this guy and move on, of course. There are too many problems and incompatibilities here. For once, the whole thing started on a wrong foot. You agree to be his girlfriend even though you weren’t over your ex and you were still considering dating other men. He must have felt it and clearly became hesitant and doubtful afterwards. He spoke about living with you and getting married even before you met (!), which is just pure madness and should have been a red flag to you. He expects you to solve his financial problems, which is, again, crazy. You aren’t his parent or his legal guardian, and he isn’t a kid anymore. He obviously doesn’t want to (or can’t) move to your country, and moving to his country just to be closer to him would be an insane move at this stage. On top of that, he is difficult to communicate with. It’s not just the language issue. He doesn’t talk clearly and openly with you, and he holds grudges, He’s been unambiguously telling you that he sees no future with you lately, though. I don’t know what exactly you’re waiting for or hoping for, this isn’t going to work for a multitude of reasons.
Author bumblebeee Posted March 25 Author Posted March 25 It's just hard because I rarely meet someone i really like, I guess. To an outsider, its insane, but if you fall for someone, all logic goes out the window. Do you think the real problem is, he just didn't like me enough? Since he could be so logical about this.
glows Posted March 25 Posted March 25 He has kids. He’s not going to abandon his kids. He talked about his kids with you it seems so I’m curious why this gave you the idea he would move anywhere away from them. It would appear he is rooted where he is. Do you think he’d abandon them? I’m curious as well what you’d think of a father who leaves his children to be closer to another woman in another country? No I don’t think he’s interested in you. He is only after your money. There was never any future.
MsJayne Posted March 25 Posted March 25 (edited) I'm going to take a guess here, is this guy in Africa by any chance? If you're an older woman maybe you should checkout some of the stories of British women who thought they'd met their dream man on the internet, except........he lives in another country. They travel to meet their dream guy and fall madly in love on the sunny shores of Ghana/Tunisia/ The Gambia, etc. The men are always a romantic gentleman, and are always at an economic disadvantage. These women are usually financially reamed, and are left devastated and penniless. Some of these guys do actually move to the UK, and may even get married, and then once they have residency it's all over. Regardless, whatever country he comes from, it does sound like an elaborate scam set-up, and I think you've had a narrow escape. Sorry you've had this experience. Edited March 25 by MsJayne 2
Author bumblebeee Posted March 25 Author Posted March 25 I don't think so. Whenever he asked for money, its always just been a very small amount. He talked about moving his kids as well. It's not impossible. Deep down, I feel he just wasn't interested enough to do so. And if he REALLY wanted the big pie like you suspected, he would have married me and tried to take half. He would have moved to where I am and just lie back and let me take care of him I'm not British and he's not in Africa XD We're the same age. I personally think he initially thought moving could be a possibility, because when you're just talking, its all just a fantasy, then the reality of the situation hit him. Either that, he just wanted someone to come and see him (since its so low investment in his part), and show him a good time and get laid.
Author bumblebeee Posted March 25 Author Posted March 25 When we were together, he always tried to get me to spend less money. I think money wasn't the main motivator, but was a bonus especially since now it appears he's no longer interested.
ShyViolet Posted March 25 Posted March 25 This whole thing is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. You met a stranger on the internet who lives in a different country from you, and already started making life-altering plans with him such as moving to be with each other, changing jobs, etc. You already started spending money on him and giving him money. Correct me if I'm wrong but you have spent exactly one week in person with him, by going on a trip to visit him. He has no money and already is giving you the impression that he would need you to provide for him financially. You do not know this guy and you are not in a relationship with him. You don't give money to some random person who you just met who claims to want a relationshp with you. You seem like a really easy target for scammers. This is not the way to look for a relationship. What were you thinking even starting to talk to someone who lives in another country? Why not look for people who are in your area? 1
MsJayne Posted March 25 Posted March 25 14 hours ago, bumblebeee said: I'm not British and he's not in Africa XD OK. You could be in Australia and he could be in Asia, or you could be in in the US and he's in India. The location doesn't matter, the dynamics and logistics are the same. 1
IrinaM Posted March 26 Posted March 26 17 hours ago, bumblebeee said: Whenever he asked for money, its always just been a very small amount. 17 hours ago, bumblebeee said: When we were together, he always tried to get me to spend less money. It seems like you are trying to reframe the fact that he expects you to pay for his companionship. 3
Author bumblebeee Posted March 26 Author Posted March 26 you're right. who does he think he is? f*** him. 1
Acacia98 Posted March 29 Posted March 29 On 3/25/2025 at 3:58 AM, bumblebeee said: Thanks a lot! I do like like him enough to pay for both of us, but I may have traumatized him when I let him go hungry. I did tell him I'd be willing to move for him as a last resort. If / should he become more stable later, do you think it's possible he could consider a relationship with me or is the damage done? What should I do in the meantime? Just be there as a friend? Or just do my own thing and let him come to me (of course I will consider other options as well)? You're welcome. I have no idea how he'd feel about you later, once he'd stabilized. But I would like to suggest that you focus more on whether you would want to be with him. Sometimes, we focus so much on whether the other person wants to be with us that we forget to consider whether we want to be with them. Just live your life in the meantime. No need to maintain friendship with him. Date other people. Focus on people who live in your geographical area and can take care of themselves financially. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31 Posted March 31 (edited) Girl. Where on earth are your boundaries and self-respect? You're practically throwing yourself at a man you barely know, and making all sorts of half-baked plans to uproot your entire life to accommodate him. This is terribly umwise of you. On 3/25/2025 at 3:22 AM, bumblebeee said: but if you fall for someone, all logic goes out the window. Nope, this is an excuse. I am sure you knew better than to go pursuing this. It was never a viable option and I think you let flattery override your common sense. You, I'm sure, are plenty old enough to realize that this was mostly a fantasy. And you're still trying to turn it into a reality. This man wanted your money. You still refuse to see that but it's blatantly obvious. Have you been particularly lonely in love? I am wondering why you attached yourself so strongly to such a poor prospect. There is no future with this man but you can take some time to reflect and work on your boundaries so you never put yourself in a situation like this again. It's a waste of your time, money and heart. Edited March 31 by ExpatInItaly 2
Author bumblebeee Posted April 1 Author Posted April 1 (edited) not exactly lonely. I have been proposed to plenty of times. I just dont fall for ppl easily. to an outsider, its stupid because he's a poor prospect on paper, but you dont choose who you fall for. I think money was always a motivator, but we talked for 4 months before he even asked for a very small amount of money. i had actually wanted to send him more, but he refused. Edited April 1 by bumblebeee
Author bumblebeee Posted April 1 Author Posted April 1 he also messaged me telling me he hopes me and my family are ok cos he heard of an earthquake near me, and was like "I love you, darling". don't know if its just plain manipulation at this point.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 1 Posted April 1 1 hour ago, bumblebeee said: to an outsider, its stupid because he's a poor prospect on paper, but you dont choose who you fall for. No, but you certainly choose your response to those feelings. It was premature to try to plan your future around him or offer him money. You simply need to do a better job of looking out for yourself. 1 hour ago, bumblebeee said: I think money was always a motivator, but we talked for 4 months before he even asked for a very small amount of money He shouldn't have been asking you at all. You're not in a relationship with him. In any case, I would not try to pursue this any further. It is clear he isn't on the same page and doesn't want what you want out of this.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 1 Posted April 1 2 minutes ago, bumblebeee said: he also messaged me telling me he hopes me and my family are ok cos he heard of an earthquake near me, and was like "I love you, darling". don't know if its just plain manipulation at this point. It doesn't matter, really. There isn't a realistic future with him so I would pay no attention to comments like this.
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