Ex ignored my letter

[pandaman001]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here and I would appreciate your input on my situation as I've been dealing with lots of anxiety and I can't trust my brain to interpret anything anymore.

My ex girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago after 4 years of relationship. I'm not exactly sure why she did it, but overall she gave me the "it's not you, it's me", because she was dealing with an "identity crisis" as she described it. Before the breakup she became distant, refusing to talk to me about how she was feeling, practically she was detaching. Initially, 4 days before the breakup, she expressed that she's not okay, that she's struggling to understand herself and she wanted to do more stuff for herself and that she wanted to do this while still being with me, because she loved me. She expressed how much guilt she has, how this is the hardest decision she ever had to make, and that she knew she will regret this the moment I would walk out the door. And she still did it. And when I asked why did she change her mind from trying to work things out while being together, she said "I don't know". When she broke up with me, she said that I took the news better than she expected, because I didn't cry and beg, but I only wanted to be supportive of her and her decisions because I loved her and her happiness was important to me, even if it hurt me, but I kinda neglected my own needs of clarity back then.

We had a beautiful relationship, even her therapist said that our relationship is fairytale like, and one of the healthiest she's ever seen. That means that whatever she told her therapist, made her therapist believe that we had a very good relationship. The day after we broke up she even told me "I love you".

After a month of no-contact, I reached out, and she said "she wants to set straight forward boundaries and continue no contact". I was lost, because she said she wanted me to still be in her life and stuff. I felt the finality and I was looking for closure, I asked if she would be open to talk, so I can understand what happened because I was very confused to what happened before and during the breakup, she refused to talk to me.

Even though she's enforcing no contact, one thing that keeps me stuck, is her song choices, we follow each other on Spotify and I've seen that all of the songs she's listening to are breakup songs, longing, regret, nostalgic, stuff like that. After the breakup, she was liking reels on IG about couples getting back together and psychology content about reconnecting and stuff like that. I wasn't stalking, I just see those stuff because we are connected and when you scroll you can see what your friends like sometimes.

We live in different countries, so I sent a package last week with her stuff, in the package I added a letter I wrote to her, and a gift I got for her birthday before the no contact boundary, nothing big, some fidget rings to help her with her anxiety. Her birthday was in Feb and I got the gift in Jan, I didn't wish her a happy birthday on the day because I wanted to respect the no contact boundary she set. In the letter I expressed exactly what I've been telling her the entire time we were together, that I love her unconditionally, and that I am leaving her an invitation for a new relationship, one where we take things slower, where we can go to therapy together not to fix things, but to work on better communication and better understanding of our needs and boundaries. I also said that my door is open for her, and that if she knows her door is closed, that I would appreciate if she'd told me, otherwise I might never know. I said that if she doesn't want a new relationship, I will understand, and I will move forward while keeping loving her from a distance without holding any of us back.

It's been a week since she got the package, she hasn't even said thank you for sending her stuff back, she hasn't even said thank you for the birthday gift. And most importantly, she hasn't replied to the letter. Pure silence. I don't understand. I haven't begged in the letter, I haven't pleaded, I haven't chased her during no contact, just once asked for clarity. Why is she not responding?

I'm moving back to her country in May, not to chase her or anything, but that's where my job is, and I actually like the city and want to live there, especially since I dislike my hometown and I can't work remotely for too long because of bureaucratic complications. I will have to go by her place and pick up my stuff, which is a big box since I've lived there for 2 years, and she knows I will come, and yet she still chooses to ignore me now.

I don't understand what is going on, why is she choosing not to respond, I literally poured my heart on that letter, all she had to do is say "bro the door is closed", or whatever, anything for that matter but not ignorance.
I would really love a fresh perspective on this situation because I'm kinda spiraling here and I'm very confused about how should I move forward. I believe that I should give up, move on, but my heart doesn't let me because I still see hope that whatever I do I cannot shake (I've tried).

[Gebidozo]

She isn’t responding because she clearly expressed a wish to have no contact with you.

You chose to disrespect her wish by sending her a gift and writing her a letter. Worse, your letter is emotionally charged, i.e. it contains precisely the kind of material that your ex doesn’t want to have in her life now. The worst part is suggesting a reconnection, which is exactly what she is obviously trying to avoid now.

Her choices of music, as well as generally her way to deal with the breakup, are her business alone. Whether she is genuinely sad from the breakup, or relieved, or happy, it’s her own path and her own life, of which you are no longer a part.

You say that you believe that you should give up and move on. Follow that belief. There is no other way.

I know you’re hurting now. Breakup is difficult for everyone, especially when you’re the one being dumped. Focus on other aspects of your life and live through the pain, it will get better if you stop hoping to get back together with that girl.

Edited March 24 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

 

2 hours ago, pandaman001 said:

In the letter I expressed exactly what I've been telling her the entire time we were together, that I love her unconditionally, and that I am leaving her an invitation for a new relationship, one where we take things slower, where we can go to therapy together not to fix things, but to work on better communication and better understanding of our needs and boundaries. I also said that my door is open for her, and that if she knows her door is closed, that I would appreciate if she'd told me, otherwise I might never know. I said that if she doesn't want a new relationship, I will understand, and I will move forward while keeping loving her from a distance without holding any of us back.

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you'd hoped for, but my guess is that the letter was too much and probably gave her the icks.  

I wish you'd asked here before sending that letter, because I would have told you not to send it.  First of all, wanting to try again doesn't respect that she's already ended it.  Also unconditional love is unhealthy because healthy romantic love SHOULD have conditions around mutual love and respect.  Also she doesn't want to do better communication and understanding.  She doesn't want your door open for her,  and most of all, you loving her from a distance is telling her that you're not going to let go and get on with your life and that's the last thing she wants.    I think that any response she may want to give you would be negative, and she's chosen to sit on her fingers.  

If you should ever find yourself in a similar situation in the future, send her stuff back, but don't add thoughtful gifts and letters.  Just keep it businesslike to avoid awkwardness and you may well receive a thank you. 

 

Edited March 24 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

If she expressed a desire for no contact, why did you send such a letter at all? 

I can understanding sending her stuff back, but not a birthday gift and especially not the letter. You could have returned or donate the gift, and I am not sure what response you expected with a letter like that. I know it hurts a lot and I don't mean to come down on you. But you can't be that surprised that someone who requested No Contact has, well, remained no contact. 

It's time to really let go, my friend. 

 

[ShyViolet]

She already told you that the relationship is over and she wants to be no contact.  You disrespected that boundary by sending her a letter.  It was unwanted.  She doesn't owe you a response or any further communication.   Theres really nothing else to say but, move on.

[Acacia98]

I wish she hadn't given you mixed messages while breaking up with you. Dumpers often have the mistaken belief that they're softening the blow when they do that. In reality, they're just making it harder for the dumpee to move on.

Anyway, what's done is done. And it's now clear to you that it truly is over. So it's time for you to start being kind to yourself. You need to start moving on by unfriending/unfollowing/blocking so that you no longer get notifications about what she's doing or what she's listening to. It's really hard to move on when you keep encountering reminders of the other person.

Edited March 24 by Acacia98

[glows]

As hard as it is no response is a response. She’s showing you that it’s better not to communicate and that is her response even if the silence is deafening. 

There have been moments where I’ve withdrawn so completely similar to what she’s doing so as to prevent further damage or hurt feelings. If there is nothing nice to say or nothing that can possibly result in a positive outcome it’s better to say nothing at all. Even though her Spotify songs are sad or you sense she’s in a sad mood it may not mean she has any intention of getting back together with you or even speaking to you. A person can be so deeply sad and be working through those emotions and preferring to be on their own. 

It’s time to put that practice of unconditional love or care to the test and respect her wishes and not contact her. If she chooses not to respond about your things or leaves them outside the door or with someone else like a friend or family member or not meet you then so be it. Don’t internalize it. Respect her wishes. That is the final act of love in a break up.