Should I break up with my partner before or after her final defense?

[unsuitablespar]

I've decided that I want to end my relationship. We've discussed our issues numerous times before and even broke up once, but I feel like I've already burned out and can no longer reciprocate the same feelings. However, I still care about her a lot which brings me to my main concert that is "timing". I know there is no perfect time to do it, but I also don’t want to hinder her academic pursuits.
 

Should I:

1. End it now before her final defense in the last week of May? There's a one-week break in mid-April, and it's a group thesis. Her groupmates are smart and capable, but they are not her friends so they might not be able to support her emotionally, I think. This would give her time to potentially recover before graduation, but my main concern is it might affect her defense
2. End it after her defense but before her July graduation? This would likely happen in early June, giving her about a month to process everything before graduating. However, she'd be graduating while feeling sad, and she might feel like I just dragged the relationship out.

 

[ShyViolet]

When you know you want to break up with someone, the time to do it is now.  It makes no sense to delay the breakup for this long.  Those dates you mentioned are pretty far away.  So if you wait until after those dates, you will essentially be lying to her, pretending that you are still committed to the relationship when all the while you know that you are planning to end it.  That doesn't help anyone.  If you know that you want out of the relationship, you just need to be honest with her and get it over with.  There is never a "right" time to break up, there will always be some other excuse which you will find to "delay" it.  In all honestly, none of these excuses are good reasons to delay it.  Her schooling is not your problem and not your responsibility.  She is an adult and has to handle her own life.

[Els]

If her final defense was next week, I'd probably say wait... but it's in MAY. You can't stay in a relationship that you don't want to be in until May just because of that, obviously.

That, plus the fact that you're talking about waiting until after her graduation (?!?) makes me think that you're hesitant and you're trying to couch your own hesitance in "consideration for her" instead? Look, if you genuinely want to break up, then do it now. Otherwise, have a think about WHY you are feeling so hesitant, and talk about it with your therapist maybe?

Edited March 25 by Els

[glows]

End it now. Honesty is always best. It’s normal to feel anxious. Remember to be clear you don’t see a future with her and think about boundaries after the break up. For ie, no contact and no texting/social media/etc. 

You can’t assume to know how she’ll react either. Ironically a major break up in my past threw me into my career(while pursuing post grad) and I landed a huge opportunity shortly after. The extra time and force of the break up combined accelerated growth in other areas. Don’t underestimate her. And also take care of yourself and be clear with yourself that it’s over. Have firm boundaries. 

[unsuitablespar]

I just broke up with her, but I made sure she finished all her exams first. To be honest, it didn’t go as I expected. She blamed me a lot and implied that my reasons were immature, but I understand that she’s probably emotional right now. I stated my reasons and expressed my gratitude for everything in our relationship. I think I’m at peace now. Thanks everyone, for your help 😊

[flitzanu]

just remember, sad truth is, it doesn't even matter if your reasons were immature, you don't need validation from the other person if you are ending the relationship, that's your decision, not hers.

 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, unsuitablespar said:

She blamed me a lot and implied that my reasons were immature

Breakups 101:  Don't give reasons!   If the other person doesn't want to break up or is defensive, you're giving them fodder to argue with

"It's not you, it's me" was invented for a reason!   Or you could use "I'm just not feeling it anymore"