Coming to terms with it.

[lm2420]

I discovered my partner was cheating about a year ago, we have been together 8 years, engaged for 2 and I was unaware he had social media and dating profiles for atleast 4 of the years were together, he was using to socla media to reach out to woman he used to date/know and of course using his dating profile to speak to women, after addressing with him everything I found, he confessed mostly what I knew already and his feelings on why he did what he did,  which was he felt unwanted by me to was talking to women to feel wanted, he also explained he never set on to physical cheat on me and swears if never would of come to that, he admits he had many chances to do that and he would just stop taking/block the woman when it got to point of meeting. Although he admitted to meeting two woman which he gave me the names for both of them, one I have spoken to and she agrees they meant up through a dating site but nothing happen and it was clear it was just friendly conversation and they never saw or spoke to eachother again. The other lady I spoke to, agrees he tried to make contact but swears he never met up with him..

I decided to get back with my partner after separating for 3 months. I think what made me forgive him was the fact the cheating was not physical, but in the last fews months I can feel myself replaying all the situations over in my head amd convincing myself his stories don't make sense or add up. I feel stuck and I'm unsure how to deal with these feelings x just looking for some advice x

[glows]

Maybe explain more how these stories of his don’t make sense to you? What other doubts do you have? 

You are aware now that this is his reaction when he feels unwanted by you according to him but that’s also a common excuse in blaming a spouse or partner for someone’s infidelity. The truth is there’s no reason to go behind someone’s back or be disloyal. Remember a marriage is a legal contract and you’re implicated on issues further down the line should you agree to marry him. If this is the person you think you want to enter into a legal contract with you need to be very sure his character is clean and you can rely on his judgment. 
 

 

Edited March 22 by glows

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, lm2420 said:

in the last fews months I can feel myself replaying all the situations over in my head amd convincing myself his stories don't make sense or add up.

I would say that this is your intuition and you would be wise to listen…

Relationships are nothing without trust. For four of the eight years you have been in a relationship with this man, he has been lying to you and communicating with other women. Sex or no sex, I could never trust a man who did this again. 

If he is feeling neglected or unloved, there are other ways that he can deal with those feelings than trolling dating sites and reconnecting with former acquaintances. He could have talked with you about how he is feeling, asked for more time together, planned a few more dates, initiated more intimacy, end the relationship, and so on and so on… is he taking responsibility for his actions and his poor problem solving here - or is he minimizing and shifting the blame from himself to you? 

This is a fork in the road, a defining moment in your relationship. You have spent eight years with this man, do you trust him enough to invest more time and your financial/emotional well being in this relationship?

For me, when I see this kind of disrespect and decision making before I have committed to marriage and children with a man - that’s my sign that I need to run, not walk, away from the relationship. You will have to decide how comfortable you are taking the risk if you decide to stay. 

Edited March 22 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, lm2420 said:

I discovered my partner was cheating about a year ago, we have been together 8 years, engaged for 2 and I was unaware he had social media and dating profiles for atleast 4 of the years were together, he was using to socla media to reach out to woman he used to date/know and of course using his dating profile to speak to women

Creating a dating profile is such a deliberate thing to do. It doesn't happen accidentally. That and managing to keep social media profiles (normally a harmless thing) for four years without your knowledge speaks to a deliberate long-term effort on his part to create situations in which he could sneak around and ultimately cheat on you. That is far beyond seeking affirmation from someone else because he felt unwanted.

So if you really believed what he told you about his feeling unwanted by you pushing him to talk to other women, you may want to reassess that. I think this guy has the makings of a committed cheater. If he hasn't already cheated on you physically, he most likely will eventually. Two key ingredients are already present: 1. He actively creates the opportunities to cheat, 2. he's blaming you instead of taking full responsibility for his actions.

So even though I don't know the full details of your situation, I'm not surprised you're having doubts about his sincerity.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Creating a dating profile is such a deliberate thing to do. It doesn't happen accidentally.

Totally. And, people don’t generally create profiles on dating sites to seek friends… he may or may not have followed through and had sex with these women but the intention was there… 

[BreakOnThrough]

The "feeling" probably won't go away, it would be best to cut your losses and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/22/2025 at 7:57 PM, lm2420 said:

I can feel myself replaying all the situations over in my head amd convincing myself his stories don't make sense or add up

That's not you trying to convince yourself. 

It's your gut and common sense screaming at you to face the truth.