Questions on dating

[James63]

I don't really have a lot of experience with dating so I came here to ask a few questions

1) If I ask a girl out, will she see it as me being interested romantically or just platonically? My plan was to go up to my crush, start a conversation, then when the conversation is flowing, say something like "hey, I'm planning on grabbing coffee at (date, time, place), I'd like for you to join me. However i'm afraid she'll see this as a platonic outing and not that I'm interesed romantically.

2) When do you make a move like going for a kiss or saying I love you or incorporating touch? I'm afraid that if I do these things too early it might scare her off but if I do it too late then she might think I'm not interested.

3) How does flirting work?

[Gebidozo]

13 minutes ago, James63 said:

I don't really have a lot of experience with dating so I came here to ask a few questions

1) If I ask a girl out, will she see it as me being interested romantically or just platonically? My plan was to go up to my crush, start a conversation, then when the conversation is flowing, say something like "hey, I'm planning on grabbing coffee at (date, time, place), I'd like for you to join me. However i'm afraid she'll see this as a platonic outing and not that I'm interesed romantically.

2) When do you make a move like going for a kiss or saying I love you or incorporating touch? I'm afraid that if I do these things too early it might scare her off but if I do it too late then she might think I'm not interested.

3) How does flirting work?

1) There is no way to know what a girl would think when you ask her out, especially when it’s just a coffee. If you want to express your romantic intentions more clearly, invite her to a nice restaurant, though there is no guarantee she’s see it the same way. Your plan is good, ask her out and see what happens, be patient.

2) “I love you” can only be said when you truly feel that, which can’t be too soon. Please don’t say that until you’re already in a relationship and at least several months have passed, it’s way too early to worry about that now. As for kissing and touching, you’ll have to sense the vibe and feel the timing. Personally, I’d say that if by the third date latest there is no natural kissing, then it won’t ever be romantic.

3) There is no one way of flirting, everyone flirts differently. Forced, excessive flirting can quickly get awkward or downright offensive. In my opinion, instead of trying to flirt, just honestly compliment her on what you like in her.

 

[smackie9]

James how old are you?

[enterthevoid]

I suggest:  Have the conversation.  Get to know her a bit.  Ask for her # or social media.  Then, say you'd like to get to know her and meet up on a date.

Be upfront that it's a date, so neither of you waste time.  There are no downsides to doing this.  She either wants to date you or she doesn't.  So it's better to find out sooner than later.

 

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When do you make a move like going for a kiss or saying I love you or incorporating touch

I'd say typically when you are in private or away from people.  People may not want to kiss in a public environment and have a public display of affection with someone who isn't their partner yet.

 

Quote

but if I do it too late then she might think I'm not interested.

Communicate and be upfront.  You can say something like "Hey, I can be a bit shy sometimes, but I like you and I'd like to date you again".

 

[James63]

On 3/23/2025 at 1:37 PM, smackie9 said:

James how old are you?

18

[James63]

Besides the classic getting to know you questions ("What do you do for work?" "What are you studying?" "What hobbies are you into?") Should you also ask more relationship orientated questions? For example: "What are you looking for in a partner?" "What are your deal breakers?" "What is your biggest turnoff?" If these aren't first date questions, when should you ask them?

[basil67]

Q&A on early dates is so dull and should be minimised.   Yes, you need to ask questions to get to know each other, but these questions should be conversation starters which lead to interesting chats.  The goal is to find things in common or interesting topics which you can discuss together.     

1 hour ago, James63 said:

For example: "What are you looking for in a partner?" "What are your deal breakers?" "What is your biggest turnoff?" If these aren't first date questions, when should you ask them?

You don't ask these on first dates if you want a second date.   But really, I wouldn't make a point of asking them at all - because the information will come to light as you continue getting to know each other.   

 

[hercules22]

you should be asking those questions before a first date so you can workout whether they are even worth pursuing

[James63]

2 hours ago, hercules22 said:

you should be asking those questions before a first date so you can workout whether they are even worth pursuing

If I ask those questions before the first date, won't there be nothing to ask when I go on the date?

[hercules22]

4 hours ago, James63 said:

If I ask those questions before the first date, won't there be nothing to ask when I go on the date?

Plenty of things to ask can talk about travel , find out what other activities she enjoys if you both like something expand on it bring up a memory sharing your experiences, you can google for a large list to get a better overall idea 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, hercules22 said:

you should be asking those questions before a first date so you can workout whether they are even worth pursuing

Only if they met online.   If she's someone he knows socially and is interested in, she'd think he was a lunatic if he asked what she's looking for in a relationship and what her dealbreakers are. 

[ShyViolet]

23 hours ago, James63 said:

 Should you also ask more relationship orientated questions? For example: "What are you looking for in a partner?" "What are your deal breakers?" "What is your biggest turnoff?" 

I think it's so weird and cringey to ask questions like this on a first date.  It's not a job interview.  If someone started throwing these questions at me I'd probably cut the date short.

On a first date you should just be yourself, just show a genuine interest in the person and have natural conversation.  You do not need to put "pressure" on finding out whether you are compatible.  Finding out whether you are compatible is best when it develops organically.

[Gebidozo]

17 hours ago, James63 said:

If I ask those questions before the first date, won't there be nothing to ask when I go on the date?

Don’t ask such questions either before the first date or during it.

Don’t talk about relationships that early. Heavy stuff like that can really kill the mood. Be genuinely interested about the other person, ask them questions about what they like, find common hobbies and interests. Questions about relationships put pressure on people and make them feel like you’re expecting something when it’s way too early to tell what to expect.

[James63]

I plan on going up to the girl I'm interested in and starting a conversation. Then when the conversation is flowing I plan to say something along the lines of "Hey, I'm planning on grabbing coffee at (coffee place) at (day and time), I'd love for you to join me." However now I'm wondering if I should say the word "date" when I ask her out. On one hand, it would definitely get the point across that I'm coming from a romantic angle and not a platonic one. On the other hand, it might make her nervous and she may act different on the date than if I didn't say that it was a date. 

[Gebidozo]

Don’t say the word “date”.

Generally, your tone and the vibe you’re projecting are more important than words. There is no need to label things.

[FredEire]

It's a good question. My opinion is it puts the girl on the spot and makes things immediately pretty awkward, which isn't great.

Having said that I remember a few years ago I met a girl a couple of times, the word date wasn't mentioned but I thought there was more of a date vibe, and turns out she didn't 😅

My friend said at the time I should have directly asked her to go on a date, but as I said in my own view it could just lead to unnecessary awkwardness even if she does see it that way too. Just meet her and see how it feels.

[smackie9]

On 3/24/2025 at 6:54 PM, James63 said:

18

OK so you still have your training wheels on. My advice is that you stop over thinking and learn on the fly. Every scenario is different. When you ask someone out, that says them you are romantically interested. As for flirting, that's a learned art...for guys I would say good eye contact, strong smile, confidence, outgoing, teasing, friendly banter (light sarcasm)....look your best, dress for success. 

[flitzanu]

i think both sides of this are fair.

the first invite for coffee...you can skip the word "date" and see how it goes and see what answer you get.  if you both seem to be into it when you're out alone, then try to set up something more "datelike".

if you end up going out like 15 times and nothing is happening or progressing and nothing seems romantic...then maybe you should use the word "date"

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i think both sides of this are fair.

the first invite for coffee...you can skip the word "date" and see how it goes and see what answer you get.  if you both seem to be into it when you're out alone, then try to set up something more "datelike".

if you end up going out like 15 times and nothing is happening or progressing and nothing seems romantic...then maybe you should use the word "date"

I don't think you should be bothering to meet someone 15 times unless you genuinely just want a friendship yourself.

You can drop some obvious hints if you end up seeing eachother repeatedly and see how she responds. If it ends up being just platonic on her end, no biggie.

[FredEire]

On 3/22/2025 at 5:08 PM, James63 said:

I don't really have a lot of experience with dating so I came here to ask a few questions

1) If I ask a girl out, will she see it as me being interested romantically or just platonically? My plan was to go up to my crush, start a conversation, then when the conversation is flowing, say something like "hey, I'm planning on grabbing coffee at (date, time, place), I'd like for you to join me. However i'm afraid she'll see this as a platonic outing and not that I'm interesed romantically.

2) When do you make a move like going for a kiss or saying I love you or incorporating touch? I'm afraid that if I do these things too early it might scare her off but if I do it too late then she might think I'm not interested.

3) How does flirting work?

You're asking some age-old questions here haha.

I could answer all of them really with you have to judge the vibe. If she's making excuses to talk to you, smiling at you a lot, playing with her hair, laughing excessively at your jokes etc it's a good sign she'd be more than happy to go for a coffee with you and it might lead to something more than friendship.

If you're out on a date and things are going really well, she's happy to get close with you and you're having fun and a great conversation, you can try some light touching and often you'll know there's a moment where she wants you to kiss her.

Flirting is about being playful, you can make fun of eachother back and forth a little bit, challenge her to a game of something if she mentions she likes a particular board game, etc. At the beginning it's really all about being comfortable around eachother and to laugh and have a good time.

You're 18 so you're going to get it wrong occasionally, and that's ok! And some people are better at reading signals than others, that's ok too! You'll learn. But a big rule to start off is nothing ventured nothing gained. So if you meet a girl you like who you think may be interested in you too, ask her out!

[enterthevoid]

On 3/28/2025 at 6:59 AM, Gebidozo said:

Don’t say the word “date”.  Generally, your tone and the vibe you’re projecting are more important than words.

I agree on the 2nd sentence (tone and vibe).  And for that reason, it doesn't really matter if you say date or not either way.  As long as you're being authentic and confident in yourself, word it however you want.  If someone likes you and is attracted to you, they're not going to lose interest just because you called a date a date.

[enterthevoid]

On 3/28/2025 at 12:16 AM, James63 said:

 "Hey, I'm planning on grabbing coffee at (coffee place) at (day and time), I'd love for you to join me."

This could come off inauthentic.  Would you really be getting coffee at that exact time anyway, if she weren't joining you?  Also, I'd check her availability before specifying that time.

 

What I do is

1) Ask if she would like to go out to a _____ this week? 

I like to start with "this week" because it makes it clear you want to meet soon and not just be penpals for 5 weeks.  But it doesn't put pressure on her to immediately agree to a specific day/time either.

2) Ask what days she's available this week?  (Or you could list 2-3 days that you have available and ask if any of those work for her?)

3) Confirm a day/time.  Text the morning of that day to confirm the date.  And send a text before you leave.

 

[James63]

How do I break the touch barrier with women without it coming off as awkward or creepy?

[Gebidozo]

When a woman wants to be touched, she’ll let you know. She’ll look at you in such a way that you’ll understand. Her body language will be such that you’ll instinctively feel that the time is right for a romantic touch or a kiss.

If you don’t feel it, don’t do it. If there is anything awkward in the air or if you feel she isn’t ready yet, don’t do it.

Edited April 1 by Gebidozo

[James63]

[ ]  I've heard not to touch inappropriate sexual areas and the thigh, but I've also heard that you should touch the thigh? Would a good Idea be to give her a hug when we meet? After that I don't know what to do from there.

Edited April 1 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads