He probably doesn't want to remarry - feel torn.

[Insignificantdetails]

I'm in a long distance relationship and we are now talking about moving in together/figuring out the details. We've now been together for 18 months and we're early 30s.

He is divorced having married his childhood sweetheart at a young age. She divorced him and it clearly took him a long time to work through this. When we met I did worry about how this kind of baggage would affect the relationship but fell in love so it became secondary.

Despite being divorced, he talks about marriage positively, and has started dropping kids into conversation. Recently, I said I wanted to talk about our future and when I first brought it up he was like a rabbit in the headlights. He said he needed time to think and came back two weeks later saying he was ready to talk.

He said our relationship has been the best and happiest relationship of his life so far. I feel the same and told him so. We then got on to the topic of marriage and babies. He told me isn't sure about marrying again, doesn't see the value of it as much anymore etc. But said he definitely wants kids. For me, I also want kids. I admit I've never been gung ho about being married but actually hearing him sound reticent about it/about marrying me has hurt me in a way I wasn't prepared for. The thought of never being family in that way, having him as my husband or sharing that special day together in front of loved ones feels difficult.

I should also mention that I am financially better off as I own assets and he doesn't - he himself said if we did ever get married he'd want me to get a pre-nup so I felt protected.

I expected him to feel more...excitement? About our future together. But the whole conversation was very business like. He said he thinks I'm seeing through rose tinted glasses which may be true but it seems like his divorce baggage is colouring his approach to us.

I am torn. I might meet someone that hasn't married and doesn't feel this jaded, but they might not make me as happy day to day.

Edited March 22 by Insignificantdetails

[BaileyB]

I’m just going to share my story, if that helps.

My partner was previously married and he had a child (who is now an adult). The marriage ended - his ex wife had mental health issues and the marriage and divorce was traumatic. He has always told me that he never felt the need to get married again - but, as I had never been married he would consider it if I really wanted to be married. My joke was - I didn’t consider that a proposal.   I made my peace with the fact that the wedding was less important to me than the relationship - which was wonderful. He never talked about marriage, very pragmatic about money and business like when making plans for our lives/retirement. But then, he surprised me with a proposal. We had a small but beautiful wedding with friends and family. It definitely brought up memories for him, I wouldn’t say that he was “excited” about the idea if a wedding but he continued to tell me that he wanted to be “married.” And, after the event, he told me that he had so much fun at the wedding, he would do it again! I think we were both surprised with how much we enjoyed the wedding and the importance of the day. I was surprised at how I felt after the wedding - I love being able to call him my husband. It was more important to me than I realized. 

I would definitely advise you to get a cohabitation agreement when you move in together. And, my advice about the wedding if you decide to marry is that you can create the wedding that you want - it can be as small or as big as you want. It doesn’t have to be the “big event” that others plan, but if that’s what you want, you should voice that. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married to the father of your children - if that’s what you decide. There is also nothing wrong with the decision to live together and have children - that is as much of a commitment as a marriage because you will be tied together financially, legally, and by way of the children. But - he sounds hesitant… it’s a big step to go from LDR to living together nevermind a wedding. Both decisions are likely to bring up memories and past trauma. If he hasn’t seen a counsellor, you want want to consider “pre-marital” counselling before you move in together or get married - someone to help you to talk through everything to be sure that you are on the same page. And, if he has unresolved issues from his first marriage, he may want to do some individual counselling as well. 

Edited March 22 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

You’ve only been together for a year and a half in a LDR. It’s natural that he is still reluctant to commit to marriage in the future. Give him some more time.

Also, having been married before has little to do reluctance to marry again. I can share my own story of it helps. I was married multiple times and I still wanted to marry my current partner as fast as possible. She was the one reluctant to do it, even though she was never married before.

I then asked myself a simple question: do I want to be married, or do I want to be with her? The answer was obvious. You might want to ask yourself the same question. What would you prefer - to be married to someone else or to be together with this person without ever getting married?

 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You’ve only been together for a year and a half in a LDR. It’s natural that he is still reluctant to commit to marriage in the future. Give him some more time.

I tend to agree, it’s important to move in with the man and live together for a while before you make any decisions about children and marriage.

I can appreciate that in your early thirties, you may feel like time is of the essence… If marriage and children is important to you and his life goals definitely do not align with yours, this is the time to end it and go in search of what you really want. But, if he wants to commit to living with you and he wants children, maybe you move in with the man and give it some time…

It’s a big decision and it’s important to keep talking to him - tell him what you want and really listen to what he says about what is important to him and what he wants for his/your life as well. 

Best wishes. 

 

[Gaeta]

My ex husband and l were long distance for 3 years then we got married. I felt like l had married a stranger. Long distance relarionships are not allowing couples to get to know each other properly. You need to eliminate the distance and get to know each other on day to day routine before you start talking marriage.

A lot of divorced men don't want to remarry, it doesn't mean he cannot commit to you. As he proposes have a prenup, make a Will, take life insurance on each other. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

A lot of divorced men don't want to remarry

A lot of divorced women don’t want to remarry either… sometimes, they don’t even care to find another relationship. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

A lot of divorced women don’t want to remarry either… sometimes, they don’t even care to find another relationship. 

An interesting statistic: on average men remarry after 3 years, women 8 years.

[Insignificantdetails]

@BaileyB Your story resonates with me, so thanks for sharing. 

It sounds like your husband wasn't 'excited' as such either for obvious reasons. And I do understand the reasons - but it doesn't stop me from wishing things were different and he wasn't bringing that jaded viewpoint to the relationship. 

Needs more thought on my part too but I would like a small wedding with our closest family and friends. Especially if we have children.

I did tell him that if was definite 'no' for marriage again that is likely a dealbreaker for me. So he knows my feelings, and obviously it's the first of more conversations.

[Insignificantdetails]

@GebidozoMy feeling right now is that I'd rather be with him than married to someone else. I may continue to feel that way, or marriage might become important later.

I think what I need is to be sure we have equal commitment levels and that him not being sure isn't a wider reflection of his feelings for me. I am willing to give more time but I'm not sure wanting to marry him would completely go away. I need to think about it. At least he didn't say 'no' but I often hear I don't know is the same!

[Gebidozo]

17 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

I think what I need is to be sure we have equal commitment levels and that him not being sure isn't a wider reflection of his feelings for me.

I don’t think it is. I mean, it doesn’t have to be. If he has deep feelings for you, willing to be together, be exclusive, then he is committed.

Marital status and children have little to do with level of commitment. I used to get married just because I liked the false feeling of security and comfort marriage gave me. It had nothing to do with my commitment to the people I married. It was just a thing I liked. Now I’m definitely committed to my partner, and one of the things I needed to do to express my commitment was not marrying her.

[Gaeta]

If you have a look in the Marriage section of this forum, you will see marriage does not protect you from the worse in people.

[Els]

I never really understood the rationale behind people who "definitely want kids" but don't want to get married. In most jurisdictions, having a child with a person will legally tie you to them for the next 18 years FAR more than a marriage will.

That being said, you've been together for 1.5 years and you're in a LDR. It's natural for him to not be sure if he wants to get married to you yet. I guess the problem is determining whether he will ever want to, or if he won't.

Whichever decision you make, it's a valid one. Even if that decision is "stay and see how it goes". Just be completely honest with yourself and him about what you want, and be prepared that you might have to leave in order to get it.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

He said he thinks I'm seeing through rose tinted glasses

What things? Marriage? 

Because by the same token, one could argue he is seeing things through an embittered lens.  I would be concerned that just because his marriage didn't work out, he assumes people who like the idea of marriage are somehow oblivious optimists. 

I would also be puzzled that he likes the idea of having children together but finds marriage off-putting. That doesn't make much sense to me, since having children together is truly a lifelong tie to each other - this isn't something that could be dissolved by the courts. So I question his logic there.

To be clear, I am not someone who cares much about marriage. It doesn't mean a lot to me and hasn't ever really been a life goal. I just don't quite get how his reservations about marrying again line up with his desire to have children together. 

[MsJayne]

It's not that someone doesn't want to get married, it's their reasons. It's one thing to not want marriage because it doesn't line up with spiritual values, it's completely another if it's because they're still licking their wounds from marrying the wrong person and see marriage, rather than incompatibility, as the reason it feel apart. I guess it depends on the individuals involved, but I would always say step back and look hard at the relationship and make sure you're not just filling the void left by the person they wanted to stay married to. Accusing you of seeing things through rose-tinted glasses sounds suspiciously like someone who never got over a divorce. 

[Insignificantdetails]

@ExpatInItaly I agree! He may be feel calling me rose tinted but he does still sound somewhat bitter.

I 100% understand his need to be pragmatic and measured but he said himself that this is the best relationship he’s been in and I feel the same way:

I therefore want to be able to approach it with optimism and hope as a couple too. I’ve never felt I was just filling a gap. I reckon he’s potentially scared of having two divorces at a young age.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Insignificantdetails said:

he said himself that this is the best relationship he’s been in and I feel the same way:

That's because you're long distance so every moment you spend together is precious and special.  You do not know how he really is on a day to day routine. Yes l think you do have on some rose tinted glasses. How often do you see each other in person?

Before talking marriage why don't you eliminate the distance?

[Insignificantdetails]

@Gaeta you’re absolutely right. We are planning to move in together. We see each other twice a month for 4-5 nights.

We have spent weeks at each others homes so I think we both have a good idea of routines and that has always gone well. But I recognise it’s not the same as cohabitation.

[Gaeta]

How long he had been divorced when you met?

[Insignificantdetails]

@Gaeta He had been divorced for 4 years.

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

@Gaeta you’re absolutely right. We are planning to move in together. We see each other twice a month for 4-5 nights.

We have spent weeks at each others homes so I think we both have a good idea of routines and that has always gone well. But I recognise it’s not the same as cohabitation.

Right, nothing gets more real until you truly live together...you can't use playing house as a comparison for sure....it's going to be harder than you think.

Give it more time like the others have said. He's going to be a little cautious and that's pretty normal.

Edited March 23 by smackie9

[Els]

On 3/22/2025 at 10:51 PM, Insignificantdetails said:

He told me isn't sure about marrying again, doesn't see the value of it as much anymore etc.

@Insignificantdetails This sentence says a lot. I don't know if you're paraphrasing him casually or if you're literally quoting what he said, but the devil lies in the details here.

If this is literally what he said, then IMO there's probably going to be a clash of values eventually. As I said, it's normal and probably healthy for him to not want to discuss marriage before having spent time together in the same city, if that was his reason.

But that's not what he said. The sentence above implies that the distance isn't the reason - the reason appears to be that he doesn't want to do this again (due to his bitterness over the previous relationship), and that he doesn't see value in marriage now. And that's a problem, because you DO see value in it.

I'll be honest with you, if this sentence really came from him and you weren't paraphrasing... I don't see much hope in this. It's possible that he might change his mind in the future, of course. But as I'm sure you're aware, closing a LDR is not easy - one of you will have to move.

Are you the person that is considering moving? If you are, I'd really think twice. You really don't want to do that for a person who doesn't share your core beliefs about marriage. If he's the one moving, then I'd lean more towards waiting and seeing.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Els said:

the reason appears to be that he doesn't want to do this again (due to his bitterness over the previous relationship), and that he doesn't see value in marriage now.

Not seeing value in marriage can also be understood in different ways.

For example, my previous marriages ended in divorces and now I’ve realized that marriage isn’t a guarantee of anything. So in that sense, marriage has certainly lost a lot of its perceived value to me. In fact, I’ve even come to view it in a somewhat negative light now, or at least can see its negative aspects.

That doesn’t mean I don’t see the value of life commitment, I definitely do. So if that guy is only rejecting the formality of legal marriage and has no qualms about long-term commitment, maybe it could just be a matter of semantics between the OP and him.

Another thing is that, as people have pointed out, having children together is a much more binding commitment than marriage, and apparently he is willing to do that.

OP, would you be fine with having a long-term relationship with that man, having children together, but possibly never being legally married?

[glows]

Hmmmm. I was the second wife but didn’t think about getting married because he wasn’t too excited similar to your partner. I was also surprised one day by a proposal and then we divorced. Today I’m right where I’ve always wanted to be (not married). I’m older, feel so much more secure, far more financially stable and free and the peace is astounding. The sleeps are phenomenal. It’s like I died and woke in heaven and finally exactly where I’m meant to be. It’s been a journey and I’ve gone through several phases but it’s funny how life is. 

I relate to what a lot of what everyone has mentioned. I do think a most of this should be discussed in person since it’s still long distance. I’d think of a rough timeline and agree to revisit the idea within a time frame that makes sense to both of you as a couple. What meant more to me at the time was being with the person. If having kids is important to you then that might influence the decision to marry but many couples do have kids without marrying. 
 

Edited March 25 by glows

[Els]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

So if that guy is only rejecting the formality of legal marriage and has no qualms about long-term commitment, maybe it could just be a matter of semantics between the OP and him.

Another thing is that, as people have pointed out, having children together is a much more binding commitment than marriage, and apparently he is willing to do that.

OP, would you be fine with having a long-term relationship with that man, having children together, but possibly never being legally married?

Yes, I was one of those who mentioned the kids thing, but I did not mean it in a positive way. Him wanting kids but being strongly against marriage might not necessarily mean that he's "willing to enter into a binding commitment with her", it could simply mean that he hasn't really thought through what having kids with a person entails. You'd be amazed how many people (mostly men) do this, honestly.

As for the rest of it, the OP has said that never getting married is a likely dealbreaker for her.

Also, marriage is only a "formality" if you live in a jurisdiction where common law or de facto relationships are legally recognized. If you don't live in such a jurisdiction, being in a live-in relationship with a person without being married could have a significant practical impact on your life, especially if one person passes away or becomes severely ill. And the children could potentially be impacted as well (again depending on where you live).

Edited March 25 by Els

[Insignificantdetails]

@Gebidozo I don't think I can say for sure right now. I think it's possible that I could be happy having children with him unmarried as long the long term commitment is there. 

And I probably need to further interrogate my feelings for wanting to marry. As I'm the richer partner, I don't really have much to gain financially etc right now through marriage. Most of my wish for marriage comes from wanting to be an official family, having a say if anything happens to each other's health in future as next of kin, and yes that ritual in front of our dearest family and friends. Calling him husband would feel right to me, but I realise this is a bit sentimental.

@glows Being with him is what matters to me right now. But I do realise I need to think more deeply about what I want because due to my age these are the types of decisions I need to make. I am not saying to get married is a dealbreaker, but I still worry his hesitancy is tied up in an avoidance of greater commitment.

That said, he has already stated he wants children, which is the biggest commitment. I will, as you suggest, set another time to talk in person and set a timeline etc.