I regret doing it. and I think it's too late.

[BitterSoul]

Hi everybody,

This is my first topic here and I know that what I am about to write for some may be triggering in a bad way and from the bottom of my heart I want to tell you guys that what I did I regret doing it. The story goes like this:

I am a female, lesbian, in my 30's, I met a girl online, while I was living in another country, far away from home. (she was from my country) We immediately clicked and we started talking, and talking up to the point were I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes and we had a very beautiful honeymoon phase, filled with love language (by text, phone calls and web calls). After a few months she came to visited, we enjoyed each other's presence and the time was just pure magical (love, sex, you name it). Everything seemed normal and just out of this world, I was living the best relationship that I had up to that point. She was everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend, smart, beautiful, kind, loving, attentive, confident, sexy, with fire in her eyes, not letting anyone talk s*** about her etc. Time passed and she had to go back home. After a month or so after her return, stuff kinda changed. She stopped responding to texts in the same way, yes, phone sex was a thing for us, since it was a long distance relationship, but I never pushed her in doing anything she didn't want just for my pleasure. We started having small arguments here and there, sometimes sarcastic reply from both of us, and while for me those were arguments she at one point stated that those arguments for her were like fights. (I understand, different people, different way of seeing things) I felt like the change was so abrupt and I started to panic, started to ask why, what is wrong? what did I do? did I say something wrong? What's going on? At that time it felt like I was pulling at something that she was pushing, she became more and more detached and just not so full of love for me. It was a lot of upside downs and I wanted to close the distance between us to feel the connection again, (and by this I mean, not just sex,  the physical connection, like feeling each others skins, seeing each others eyes IRL, not via a web cam or a photo) and booked a holiday back home to be with her for a while. 2 weeks before the flight she told me that she doesn't know if she wants the relationship anymore. I felt destroyed, I couldn't understand how someone that I just saw 3 months ago was doing this to me even thought she was saying that she loved me. We had some conversations and she agreed to try. I went back home, the holiday had it's ups and downs but not in terms of fights and arguments, she had days were she would respond to my kisses, other days were it almost felt like I was kissing a plank. We had a conversation and I asked her about the future of our relationship and she said it's all fine. Fast forward to returning from my holiday and she broke up with me saying that she doesn't feel it anymore, like she had feelings for me but she didn't knew what to do with our relationship.

We talked and talked for 2-3 weeks about us and the relationship, and I begged her not to do this, to fight, that maybe it was just the long distance and stuff. She agreed to continue the relationship but her "terms" (in a way) where that she didn't want to have a long distance relationship anymore, (she never asked me to move back home, just to be precise, but that was the feeling of it all.) And I agreed. I sold everything I had, left my job, everything, to be with her, to come back home. I did it not just for me, but for the idea of a relationship, for us, for her, for our future together as a couple, to start a "family" (not kids, but family as in to live under the same roof as 2 normal people in a relationship) ... She did say that she didn't knew if she would be the same as before, and I agreed and I told her, I don't wish for her to be the same, I wish for her to be who she wanted, not all relationships have a never ending honeymoon phase, I was well aware of that, wasn't expecting all flowers and sunshine all the time, but in my mind, I thought that if we were together, we could surpass every obstacle...

For about 4 months it seemed ok, relaxed, chill relationship, like a relationship that was going on for years. Slowly, slowly we ended up doing what we were doing a couple of months before, arguments, some small, some a bit bigger, but for me nothing that we couldn't get over with. Only now I realized that I was starting to "develop" an anxious personality and her an avoidant one (or maybe we were like this from the beginning idk). Push - pull kinda situation. After every fight or argument, 80% of the time I would have been the one that went to her, to hug her, kiss her, apologize, to get over the situation, but she felt more and more distant, pushed me even physical away, like while I was trying to hug her she was just pushing me, or just not even moving from her chair, hugging me with one hand, feeling like a cold, forced hug in a way.

We didn't do much as a couple, not because I didn't want it, was always asking: do you want to go out? do something? visit something? go for a walk? cinema? park? anything? not to mentions the sex part, we had sex 3 times since the day I came back home, her reason was that she didn't felt like doing it, and even though I was crying myself to sleep almost every night not understanding why, it felt like she knew but didn't act on it, and left me with a sore heart. I respected her decision and stopped asking for the sex part, I never made her do anything she didn't want especially the sex part. (don't get me wrong, I am not a sex addict, but I do feel like from time to time, sex, and physical connection in general, it bonds people in a way that words can not, but I let go of what I wanted for her, I accepted that there was no sex). She liked to stay in front of her computer and play video games and chat with people and her friends online. And this behavior was just repeating itself, day after day after day.

I was spending time in front of my own computer, because...I couldn't just do the things that were supposed to be in a 2 people relationship, all by myself. And her? I was hearing her having fun, and laughing with her friends, whispering, staying in other discord chats, or in private calls (not that that was the problem, I never forbid her in having private calls with anyone), the problem was, in those moments, while I was staying alone, in the dark, crying, she rarely came to me and comfort me, kiss me, ask me what I was doing, spend at least 5 minutes with her girlfriend, love her, reassure her that there is nothing to be afraid or jealous. And this was going on for a while, we had conversations about it, told her what was bothering me, and she got mad, upset, most of the time in those conversations, I was the one doing the talking, she was just sitting there not saying anything, and the times were she would say something, it was stuff like, "I am tired from work, my head hurts, I need to relax, the pc relaxes me, I am not doing anything wrong, I am not cheating, why are you making such a big deal about it" etc., little did she knew that for me it felt like micro cheating in a way, to make space for others and to laugh and to pay attention to other people and not to her girlfriend, the person that was there for her, under the same roof, the person that sacrificed her future, her life, sold everything for the relationship with her. 

Then the text messages started. She used to sit in the bathroom on her phone, texting, for 30 mins. (she sometimes told me that she was watching tiktoks but I couldn't hear the sound of the tiktoks and she didn't had her earphones with her). While we were in bed she used to hide her screen (not that I was checking on her, I just wanted her to feel safe on reading a text message, if it's nothing to hide, why are you hiding it?), sometimes I would kiss her goodnight, go in the other room to watch a movie and see her online texting (and yes, after a while, of her having this behavior, I started checking if she was online texting, even though she told me that she was going to sleep, because something felt wrong, why would she lie to me?)

My insecurities took over, I know, I know I should have been stronger, but day by day, seeing this behavior from her, hiding, flirting, texting, laughing, finding other people more important than her own girlfriend, It was slowly killing me inside. And even though she knew what I felt about it, she still did it anyway. At one point she was keeping in touch with one of her ex for a couple of months....

I was fighting for someone that wasn't fighting for me anymore and it was destroying me from inside out. Until I reached a boiling point and I ended it. I exploded, I shouted at her, telling her everything, even though the things I said were still the things she already knew about...And she didn't even move a muscle, she didn't even cry, no empathy for the person that was devastated in front of her, she accepted it like it was something that she wanted for a long time, like it was a relief. 

And then...I did something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I read the last entry from her diary. Why? I wanted to see if maybe in there, she felt something for me, I wanted to see if she would have remorse, anything, guilt? any feeling for ME. I wanted to see if she felt sorry, if in there she would feel more secure to open up about me, even though I never made her feel like she couldn't open up to me in the relationship. But what I read... there was not even a word about me, but about someone else, that she loved and she described him as the love of her life. And I lost it..... I couldn't believe my eyes, my heart, my time, my feelings, I couldn't breathe, I felt cheated, betrayed, everything.... That night... I confronted her and I told her some very mean words (not curse words but still full of anger) while I admitted in reading her diary...and she said...that it was all a test... she said that she wrote those things to test me, to see if I would read it.... And I felt played...I was the fool once more. 

She said that I betrayed her space, her privacy, her trust, and yes, I did, I apologized a lot for everything, but she said that she doesn't feel like she wants to forgive me and now we don't talk that much, I am in the process of moving again... 

I feel like a bad person and I know I am, who would do such a thing? who would break that sacred space? Only a Low person like me...a nobody,a monster.... even though while in the relationship I didn't curse at her, I didn't hit her, made her feel unworthy, I never cheated on her, I was always there for her... but it doesn't matter how many good things you do for a person, they will always remember you for that one mistake that you did. And I know I was a weak person for reading it. I fell in a dark place, filled with dark thoughts and I thought that maybe by reading it, it will make feel like I am not loosing my mind...that I am not losing control of my own thoughts, of my own trust in her, I wanted to reassure myself that It was all in my head and that she wasn't cheating on me during the last few months of our relationship, I wanted to give myself the reassurance that she never fully game me....

And now...I don't know how to forgive myself right now....

[Acacia98]

Wow. You really think you committed some terrible, unforgivable sin and that's as a consequence, you destroyed the relationship?

No. That's not what happened. Truth is, the two of you weren't the greatest match in the world. Your honeymoon period lasted a few months and then the relationship ran out of steam.

Your relationship was already bound to end at this point:

Quote

We started having small arguments here and there, sometimes sarcastic reply from both of us, and while for me those were arguments she at one point stated that those arguments for her were like fights. (I understand, different people, different way of seeing things) I felt like the change was so abrupt and I started to panic, started to ask why, what is wrong? what did I do? did I say something wrong? What's going on? At that time it felt like I was pulling at something that she was pushing, she became more and more detached and just not so full of love for me. It was a lot of upside downs and I wanted to close the distance between us to feel the connection again, (and by this I mean, not just sex, the physical connection, like feeling each others skins, seeing each others eyes IRL, not via a web cam or a photo) and booked a holiday back home to be with her for a while. 2 weeks before the flight she told me that she doesn't know if she wants the relationship anymore.

She already wanted out at that point. For whatever reason, it was not working for her. Maybe the distance allowed her to realize that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe she's the sort of person who's not capable of maintaining a long-term relationship. I don't know. I'm just speculating here. But I do know that, when your relationship ends, that's typically a natural outcome. It doesn't make either of you a monster. It usually means you aren't a good match for each other. 

Your only real mistake was allowing fear to govern your choices. When she broke up with you, you should have respected her decision and accepted that it was over. And she made the mistake of changing her mind after she broke up with you. She should have been more assertive and should have stuck to her original decision. She shouldn't have allowed you to think that your moving back home would fix things. 

Your description of your relationship after that point was painful to read. It was clear she had checked out. It was just as clear that you were clinging to the relationship because you were scared to let go. 

@BitterSoul, relationships do end. And when that happens, it's not the end of the world. When someone rejects you, it doesn't mean you're worthless. It doesn't mean you have nothing to offer and there's no one out there for you. It just means that this particular person is not the right person for you. Breaking up is painful. But, if you give yourself time to accept the breakup and then to heal, you will eventually start to feel better and to imagine a life without this person.

[Acacia98]

I wanted to add that, your reading her diary, although wrong, had a positive outcome. It forced you both to accept that your relationship had to end.

I don't know why she's telling you a lie about setting a test for you. There was no test. That diary entry was her truth. She believes she loves her ex. That she doesn't mention you must hurt deeply and feel like a betrayal, but if you really think about it, it's consistent with the way she's being treating you: with coldness and aloofness.

I sincerely hope you'll one day get to the point where you love and respect yourself enough to swiftly remove yourself from situations where you are not loved and appreciated. Because you honestly didn't have to live through all those months of terrible treatment. And you shouldn't have had to sit in the dark crying your eyes out.

I also hope you will learn to seek out relationships with people who unambiguously love you and are excited about spending time with you. I know you believe this woman was the love of your life, but she really wasn't it. People who love you don't treat you the way she treated you.

[glows]

It sounds like she gaslit you and that was manipulative behaviour instead of just breaking it off. There’s no reason to test someone especially if you’re secure in your own thoughts. If she thought so badly of you that she had to test you and then tell you how horrible of a person you are that reflects on her. It seems more likely to me that she was cheating and unhappy in the relationship and completely gaslit you into thinking it was a test. This is someone who always has to feel like she has the upper hand. You will always be stuck in an unhealthy dynamic because she’ll keep gaslighting you to make herself look like the better person.

It’s a blessing that you broke up but please work on your self esteem. She didn’t seem very invested to start and you stayed way too long with someone you knew wasn’t prioritizing you or the relationship. 

[BitterSoul]

thank you guys for taking your time to answer... I wrote everything with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes and I do hope that one day I will forgive myself first and that I will chose myself and my own happiness...

[glows]

3 minutes ago, BitterSoul said:

thank you guys for taking your time to answer... I wrote everything with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes and I do hope that one day I will forgive myself first and that I will chose myself and my own happiness...

Just learn from it. Don’t beat yourself up over this. You have bigger fish to fry with moving and all.

[MsJayne]

Don't worry about the diary stuff, things were headed South anyway so it didn't make any difference except to make you take a reality check. I suspect there's a big clue in the statement below...

2 hours ago, BitterSoul said:

most of the time in those conversations, I was the one doing the talking,

When someone goes quiet and stops communicating it's often because they've realised they're not being heard and so decide to stop wasting breath and energy. Sometimes people are so busy sharing what they think and feel that they forget to give the other person a chance to talk. It's very unpleasant behaviour which tends to drive others away. And there's this...

 

2 hours ago, BitterSoul said:

while I was staying alone, in the dark, crying, she rarely came to me and comfort me,

Trying to elicit sympathy by crying and sulking is very manipulative and controlling behaviour. You have to ask yourself why you wanted to be in a relationship where crying in the dark was a regular thing. 

Sorry to be harsh, but your post presents you as very dependent on her for your happiness, a situation which was bound to go pear-shaped. Having a needy partner is a lot like having a child to look after, and this is a huge turn-off for most people. I think you need to accept that it's over, accept that your behaviour drove her away, and learn from it. 

[BitterSoul]

And another thing that hurts...is that I am crying and having regrets while she is having fun, laughing online with her friends, reposting love songs on tiktok and somehow, not that I expect her to do the same as I, suffer, but somehow, if I meant anything to her, anything at all during our relationship... shouldn't she feel a bit sad? quiet? regretful?  And guys, I really don't want to put myself on a pedestal, it's not like she was the only one in the relationship that made mistakes, I understand that, but looking back... I was the one that 80% of the time was searching for a sorry, a hug after a bad moment.... and I know, I am aware that somehow it is my fault that perhaps I pushed her in continuing the relationship with me... I was scared... of loosing her...

[glows]

38 minutes ago, BitterSoul said:

And another thing that hurts...is that I am crying and having regrets while she is having fun, laughing online with her friends, reposting love songs on tiktok and somehow, not that I expect her to do the same as I, suffer, but somehow, if I meant anything to her, anything at all during our relationship... shouldn't she feel a bit sad? quiet? regretful?  And guys, I really don't want to put myself on a pedestal, it's not like she was the only one in the relationship that made mistakes, I understand that, but looking back... I was the one that 80% of the time was searching for a sorry, a hug after a bad moment.... and I know, I am aware that somehow it is my fault that perhaps I pushed her in continuing the relationship with me... I was scared... of loosing her...

What regrets exactly? She didn’t want to be with you. She’s not in love with you at all. She’s not going to apologize or feel sorry for you because it doesn’t even sound like she liked you. I’m sorry to say that. She was really not in it but might have stayed for the attention when it felt good at first. 

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, BitterSoul said:

And another thing that hurts...is that I am crying and having regrets while she is having fun, laughing online with her friends, reposting love songs on tiktok and somehow, not that I expect her to do the same as I, suffer, but somehow, if I meant anything to her, anything at all during our relationship... shouldn't she feel a bit sad? quiet? regretful?  

It doesn't matter what you think she "should" feel.  She feels how she feels.  You can't control that, and it's a waste of time to compare how you are feeling to how she is feeling.  Just let it go.

And I think you are making too big a deal about the reading of her diary.  I don't think what you did was the most horrible thing in the world.  Yes it's wrong to read someone's diary but the whole situation was so messed up on both sides and this is just one tiny part of that.  There's no reason to beat yourself up so much about the diary.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is just sad. 

OP, you made a mistake not by reading her diary but by giving up everything to be with someone who had already told you she didn't want a relationship with you anymore. The more she backed away, the more you pushed to be with her. You two got too carried away in the honeymoon phase and when reality hit and she had a change of heart, you didn't want to accept it. I get that it hurts a lot, and she should never have let you change your whole life to be with her. But this is why we should never try to force something that the other person just doesn't want. You have some agency in your own misery here because you let yourself get too caught in the honeymoon sparks and didn't really listen to what she was saying. 

This was never going to work, girl. Her feelings just weren't there. That is why she seems fine now. I am sure she cares about you on some level, but she very clearly didn't want to be together anymore. She is okay with this ending. You are going to have to start facing the reality you've been avoiding for a long time: she isn't The One and never really was. 

You will be okay again. But please treat yourself better in the future, and don't cling on when someone doesn't share your feelings and desires. 

Edited March 22 by ExpatInItaly

[BitterSoul]

well. for anyone that is still interested in this topic... I will try to keep it short, if anyone has Q let me know.

This person cheated on me for months, for months I thought that I was to blame, that I was too much, that I was the problem, when in fact I was the "situation" that she mentioned, the situation that couldn't let them be together... and not even a week after our relationship ended she was with him...so...yeah...

Today I got a confirmation with my own eyes and ears. A guy that knew that we were in a relationship and he still decided to get into her DM's, flirt with her, can't say it's only him to blame, she accepted the flirts as well so yeah... I know who he is, I've seen him on her streams online, I know his name...I know his nickname whatever.... A couple of months ago when I asked why is she hiding her phone she said she was just talking to an old friend and that he is all that, just a friend, and it's not the same person from the story. I guess all of her ex's are Just Friends... And today I heard them talking using babe and love and honey etc so... yeah...

And I do have proof that at the beginning of our relationship she told me in a message that one of her ex's cheated on her with one of her roommates.... I guess she didn't learn anything from that experience and decided to do the same to other person...to me.

I hope losing me for him was worth it.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, BitterSoul said:

I hope losing me for him was worth it.

I am sorry you have had another blow here; she sounds awful. But this woman didn't want to be with you anymore. 

I don't mean to be harsh but you are still in quite a lot of denial.  She didn't value you enough and didn't really want to be in a relationship with you after the honeymoon phase  fizzled. This is not a person who was afraid to lose you, girl. It should have ended long before it did. So the quoted part above doesn't really apply in your situation. 

My question at this point would be: what have you learned from this experience? 

[BitterSoul]

Thank you for your time and words.

Yes I was in denial and still am denial, not because I don't understand it ended, but there is something in me that cannot understand how a person that tells you so many wonderful things, a person that tells you stories about past relationships, where all of her exe's took advantage of her, played her, where she was the one cheated on, how does a person not learn from these experiences and they end up hurting other people the way she was hurt?! Like it blows my mind.

I will seek therapy, because I really don't want to repeat my own mistakes and I want to get over this. 

I really don't understand how people like her sleep, wake up in the morning and they look in the mirror and are proud of themselves, of how they just hurt people and then they look you in the eyes and without empathy or remorse they tell you "move on, it happened, this is life, I didn't cheat on you ever, It was all in your head" etc.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, BitterSoul said:

 a person that tells you stories about past relationships, where all of her exe's took advantage of her, played her, where she was the one cheated on,

All the warning signs you needed were right here ^ but I think you were naive and didn't scratch below the surface.   Look, everyone is allowed a terrible ex or maybe two.  But when all the exes are terrible, it means that she is the constant.  And without doubt, she will now have added you to the list of people who did her wrong.   Next time someone describes their past like this, DO NOT DATE THEM

They way you describe the relationship, it sounds like you were utterly miserable.  Have you done any work to analyse the reasons why you stayed when it was making you so unhappy?  If you've got to 'fight' for a relationship, then it's already too late.

 

5 hours ago, BitterSoul said:

I really don't understand how people like her sleep, wake up in the morning and they look in the mirror and are proud of themselves....

 Quite easily.  She doesn't recognise that she's the problem.

 

[BitterSoul]

On 4/6/2025 at 3:03 AM, basil67 said:

 Have you done any work to analyse the reasons why you stayed when it was making you so unhappy?

Thank you for your words. In a couple of days I will be moving my stuff and will no longer stay with her under the same roof. The work I want to do for myself is to have a therapist, not for him/her to tell me what is wrong with Her (my ex), but to understand how I shouldn't get in these relationships in the future and if it's something wrong with me and my past trauma, which I am definitely aware that I have some, just want to work on those and understand myself better.

If I haven't written this here, I know that some discussions/fights in the relationship were my fault, for not being able to control and asses the situations, and I let my emotions just take over me, not thinking clear in situations that needed clarity of the mind. I do understand that it needs 2 people to mess up a relationship. Right now I am confused in my heart and in my mind. Confused because I feel like it's my fault for not doing enough, not fighting enough and in the same time I feel like I shouldn't fight for someone that looks for attention in other places, with other people.

And I know you guys will say that this is not healthy, that I shouldn't care, that I should just move on and let go, and that I am looking for answers in a place that has nothing,  I get it, but I exported the whatsapp chat to see it from a different perspective, and read the start of our relationship while she told me about the timelines of her past relationships, the chronology of her past relationships, as far as she explained them and as far as I saw on Facebook now (which stores sooooo many things, it's insane), she just jumps from one relationship to another, not even a month after the breakup she is with someone else, and some people suggested that perhaps she always has a backup person just in case. And then I remember that before me she was just alone for 2 months, or nearly 2 months...it just baffles me.... and I understand that people will say "well, there you go, first red flag"...but I was hooked by that time that my mind, my heart, my body just ignored everything...

....right now I am going from regret to anger to disgust to disappointment everyday....

If she will be here in the last day when I move my stuff, for some days I've been thinking of what to tell her. Sometimes words come to mind, nice words, kind words, sometimes bad words, like I want to just let out all my emotions and just curse and shout and tell her how she messed me up....

But then... I don't think she will ever understand, no matter the words spoken, no matter the tone, no matter the message. 

I know people always say move on, time will heal and stuff...but right now it hurts like a B****. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Of course it hurts, That's normal and nobody here would assume you can just shut that all off. 

It will take time.  I hope she is not there when you move your things. A final confrontation isn't going to go well and you won't get the closure or understanding you so badly want from her. 

On 4/9/2025 at 3:45 AM, BitterSoul said:

Confused because I feel like it's my fault for not doing enough, not fighting enough

We often do this when want to control the narrative a little more, and aren't ready to accept a far simpler (more painful) truth: this person just isn't into me. To avoid confronting that difficult reality, we sometimes fool ourselves into believing that it's just a question of fighting harder, taking the blame for problems, anything to avoid seeing the truth for what it is and letting go of someone who just doesn't want to be with us.