the1stwife Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Hi everyone. I am just here searching for people who are in the same boat as I am. I had an affair almost 12 years ago with a man who I fell in love with. I found out that I was pregnant and decided to stay married to my husband, who I wasnt in love with anymore. My husband at the time didnt know about the affair.....I stayed with him for the child....I told the other man that I couldnt be with him, that I had to do what was right for the child, besides that we didnt know who the father really was. This didnt last long. After the child was born, the other man and I began to see each other again. When I joined the miltary, I was gone for over a year and he married someone else. He and I still talked, as friends. But there was always more between us. We had our secret! By this time I was divorced. I ended up getting remarried. This other man and I have seen each other, talked on the telephone, and emailed each other several times. I just cannot get over him. I still feel love...Am I blind?? Well..he and his wife are divorcing now. We had plans to meet up again over the holiday in May. He offered to pay for the DNA test of the child, as long as he got the results...I agreed. (and then we made plans to meet..) After the holidays, he is now telling me that he loved me once before but didnt think that he wants to love me again and I should just say fare well to him. I am confused..because this man comes in and out of my life every two or three years! I love this man, I always have. I just feel like he is so wishy washy and confused that he keeps running back and forth. My first husband doesnt really take part in my childs life. He has supervised visits, and lives in another state. He wasnt paying child support, but they take it from him now. He and I were married for 10 years, and we are not on good terms now. He never suspected that I had a boyfriend for 4 of those 10 years...so he has no reason to doubt the child. I tried to condense this story so that it didnt bore anyone...lol sorry if its not making sense.
tekqueen12722 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 So let me get this straight, you have not seen him in years except, the affair, before the military and those holiday’s that you spoke of. It sounds like he does not want this long distance relationship anymore and does not want the commitment either right now. He has been through a lot and so have you. However, based on your story, I think that you two will end up together. My advise to you is to tell him that you will always love him and never forget him but you want him to be happy. Promise him that you will never contact him again and I think that he will come after you but you need to stick to that promise. The timing wasn’t right in the past and it may not be right, right now. My gut tells me that without contact, you will hear from him again. Especially after the unselfish statement of letting him go because you love him. He needs to be without you “physically”, in order to realize that. I won’t say “mentally” because that promise that you make him will scare him to his senses. He will always think about you and compare you to everyone. He is tired of having you on his mind all these years. He wants a break but unfortunately he thinks by telling you, he does not want to love you anymore, it is all going to all go away. Why these men try to fight feelings is beyond me! He is in for a rude or maybe good awakening. Feelings will always win and if you two have what you describe then he will be back. When he does come back, it will be full force so be prepared. However, women are different. Most of the time in this same situation, we can come back like we never left because we do not try and fight our feelings. We seem to be more logical and we follow our heart. Good Luck!
Author the1stwife Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Thanks so much for your reply. EVERYthing you said makes so much sense. I have actually tried that before and yes, he does start talking to me again. You had it correct, we have seen each other those times..the ones you listed. It is very hard to fight someone when they are in denial but you know what is going on. Right now, I think that things are hard on both ends of the stick...But in the end, they will work out. I have faith! I will have to think more about this post, take it all in so to speak... You really gave me great advice to chew on for a few days!!! the1stwife
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