Is this emotional abuse?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Magic said:

I saw another comment on a different thread about how someone's boyfriend was behaving like this, and he was finally persuaded to go to therapy which fixed the relationship and they are now going strong. I think incidences like this are very rare though.

I think it is very rare too.

Just a few months into a relationship, when you see red flags like this the best thing to do is to leave. These things tend to get worse with time and as we experience life stressors - like having children, encountering job/financial, during times of grief, etc…

The only time I would even consider staying is if he was highly motivated to change his behavior and we were married/had children together. But, truth be told, I would be very hesitant to stay in a situation like this with children even while he is seeking help. I would probably ask for a separation for the protection of the children and reassess the situation as he does his counselling…

 

Edited March 20 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Magic said:

I saw another comment on a different thread about how someone's boyfriend was behaving like this, and he was finally persuaded to go to therapy which fixed the relationship

I find this quite sad, actually. 

If you need to "finally persuade" your partner to go to therapy to fix the relationship...well, that isn't a relationship I would want to be in. It's one thing to work on ourselves and be better for ourselves and each other. It's one thing if you've got years invested and things had not always been that bad. 

But you haven't even been together a year and this guy has been mistreating you for months. I personally would not waste my time or energy trying to convince someone to get help just so they can be a more decent person. If they're not already there as a general baseline? Nah. Next. 

[Magic]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think it is very rare too.

Just a few months into a relationship, when you see red flags like this the best thing to do is to leave. These things tend to get worse with time and as we experience life stressors - like having children, encountering job/financial, during times of grief, etc…

The only time I would even consider staying is if he was highly motivated to change his behavior and we were married/had children together. But, truth be told, I would be very hesitant to stay in a situation like this with children even while he is seeking help. I would probably ask for a separation for the protection of the children and reassess the situation as he does his counselling…

 

 

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I find this quite sad, actually. 

If you need to "finally persuade" your partner to go to therapy to fix the relationship...well, that isn't a relationship I would want to be in. It's one thing to work on ourselves and be better for ourselves and each other. It's one thing if you've got years invested and things had not always been that bad. 

But you haven't even been together a year and this guy has been mistreating you for months. I personally would not waste my time or energy trying to convince someone to get help just so they can be a more decent person. If they're not already there as a general baseline? Nah. Next. 

Yes I totally understand these points. The thing is, I'm not even sure if he criticises the other people in his life...I feel like it's just me which probably makes it sound even worse.

And knowing him I think it would be a miracle if he did agree to go anyway, as like I said he genuinely doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong - he thinks he's 'helping'. 

Honestly I just sometimes feel like some kind of 'project that needs fixing'...

Edited March 20 by Magic

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Magic said:

Yes I totally understand these points. The thing is, I'm not even sure if he criticises the other people in his life...I feel like it's just me which probably makes it sound even worse.

He likely does it to whomever he thinks will take it or whomever he wants to control. 

My guess is that he's been the same with previous girlfriends. 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Magic said:

I don't know whether he would have the capacity to realise what he is doing is wrong? If it's been ingrained from childhood then I guess it may be difficult...unless he can be convinced to seek help? I saw another comment on a different thread about how someone's boyfriend was behaving like this, and he was finally persuaded to go to therapy which fixed the relationship and they are now going strong. 

No no no.  It is not your job to persuade, convince or help him to change.  One of the most basic rules about relationships is that you can't "fix" another person.  If you think you can "convince" him to seek help and change his ways, you are really wasting your time.  You shouldn't have to do that in a relationship.  Stop thinking you can fix another person.  

14 hours ago, Magic said:

I have been struggling with identifying whether what I've experienced is abusive or if I'm over-reacting (as I do sometimes).

You have this misguided idea that this either has to be abuse, or it's nothing and you are overreacting.  It doesn't have to be abuse in order for this to be a terrible relationship that you should put an end to.  I actually don't think it's "abuse", more like he is just a self-centered jerk who treats you badly.  I think we overuse terms like "abuse" and over-label everything with these serious terms.  It doesn't have to be "abuse" in order to justify you getting out of this relationship.  It doesn't change the fact that this relationship isn't working for you and you would be much better off without him.

[Magic]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He likely does it to whomever he thinks will take it or whomever he wants to control. 

My guess is that he's been the same with previous girlfriends. 

That's a good point...

Honestly not sure about whether it's been the same previously - he has been in a couple of previous relationships but I don't have contacts for either of them unfortunately 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Magic said:

That's a good point...

Honestly not sure about whether it's been the same previously - he has been in a couple of previous relationships but I don't have contacts for either of them unfortunately 

It's not unfortunate. Why would you want to be in contact with his exes? 

You don't really need their contribution here. What matters is that he isn't treating you right, and that's enough to kick his bullying behind to the curb. 

[Magic]

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

No no no.  It is not your job to persuade, convince or help him to change.  One of the most basic rules about relationships is that you can't "fix" another person.  If you think you can "convince" him to seek help and change his ways, you are really wasting your time.  You shouldn't have to do that in a relationship.  Stop thinking you can fix another person.  

You have this misguided idea that this either has to be abuse, or it's nothing and you are overreacting.  It doesn't have to be abuse in order for this to be a terrible relationship that you should put an end to.  I actually don't think it's "abuse", more like he is just a self-centered jerk who treats you badly.  I think we overuse terms like "abuse" and over-label everything with these serious terms.  It doesn't have to be "abuse" in order to justify you getting out of this relationship.  It doesn't change the fact that this relationship isn't working for you and you would be much better off without him.

I completely agree here - I keep making excuses for his behaviour and this is something I need to stop doing. He most likely knows what he is doing is wrong and that it's hurting me but just doesn't care. And I don't want to spend years with someone who's already showing they don't care about my feelings...

Another bad habit I guess I have is constantly thinking 'this will get better' and 'this will be the last falling-out I have with him' - obviously neither of those things are true. If I'm honest with myself it's getting progressively worse and every 'fight' is worse than the last one. I guess when you become attached to someone your mind sometimes tries to filter out the bad stuff because you don't want it to be true - but obviously there comes the time when you have to admit that these things have happened. 

Edited March 21 by Magic

[Magic]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not unfortunate. Why would you want to be in contact with his exes? 

You don't really need their contribution here. What matters is that he isn't treating you right, and that's enough to kick his bullying behind to the curb. 

To be honest I don't really want to have contact with them

The only thing I would have possibly done would have been to find out if they were treated the same way, as he keeps saying stuff that 'I'm specifically doing'...but you're right as it really wouldn't make any difference to the current situation. 

[glows]

That could backfire and his exes tell him you’re fishing for information. He would find more reason to belittle you. You’d also potentially give him the satisfaction of knowing that you’re that insecure. For someone who already treats you poorly this would make things so much worse. 

I think your partner unfortunately gives you a type of security you’re looking for. His strong opinions somehow create a false sense of security because you’re looking for validation. You have to be secure in yourself to be able to say hey this just isn’t it and move on. I also think it’s potentially super insincere on the flip side to continue on in the relationship when you too clearly aren’t in love with him and distrust him. It goes both ways. 

[Magic]

53 minutes ago, glows said:

I also think it’s potentially super insincere on the flip side to continue on in the relationship when you too clearly aren’t in love with him and distrust him. It goes both ways. 

Yeah it's difficult - I am still in love with him but I think I'm leaning more towards the person he was when we met and not this version I'm presented with now. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Magic said:

The only thing I would have possibly done would have been to find out if they were treated the same way, as he keeps saying stuff that 'I'm specifically doing'..

100% that he behaved similarly in other relationships - it’s not just you. A person doesn’t change who he is from one relationship to the next.

He’s also not going to behave this way with his boss, or his mother, or his best friend, or the acquaintance he meets on the street. People behave differently with different people, in different situations. This kind of behavior tends to be felt by those closest - romantic partners. There are many stories of men and women who are seen as highly respected, well-liked, successful at work who have a secret at home… they behave very differently behind closed doors. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Magic said:

Yeah it's difficult - I am still in love with him but I think I'm leaning more towards the person he was when we met and not this version I'm presented with now. 

You have feelings for the man you thought he was… the man you want him to be.

I would suggest that you try really hard not to romanticize. You have only been dating the man for a few months and while he started out strong, the last few months have shown you who this man truly is - and that’s what you need to believe.

The start of any relationship is exciting and wonderful - particularly when the man is love bombing you, which is a common behavior for narcissists and abusers (not saying he is a narcissist or abuser, just saying that this is a strategy used to draw women into a relationship and there are elements of “love bombing” here). 

I think you will be surprised how quickly your feelings fade when you kick this guy to the curb. Just don’t get caught up in the romantic narrative that you love this guy deeply (it’s been months) or that he was so wonderful before he changed (that was a show, for your benefit, to entice you and keep you - he is hoping that you love him enough to overlook his disrespectful and controlling behavior). 

Edited March 21 by BaileyB

[glows]

4 hours ago, Magic said:

Yeah it's difficult - I am still in love with him but I think I'm leaning more towards the person he was when we met and not this version I'm presented with now. 

This is the difficult part. The main problem is he’s not what you want in a partner. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Magic said:

 I'm leaning more towards the person he was when we met and not this version I'm presented with now. 

While I get what you mean, do keep in mind that there aren't two versions of him. They're all one version. He simply knew what to keep under wraps at first. But these parts of his character have always been there. It's part of the manipulation with people like him. Pull you in with charm, and then slowly chip away at your self-worth until you feel badly enough that you question whether it's your fault to begin with. 

See how that works?

[Ami1uwant]

15 hours ago, Magic said:

Yeah it's difficult - I am still in love with him but I think I'm leaning more towards the person he was when we met and not this version I'm presented with now. 

I agree with many on here….as relationship became more routine he stopped being on his best behavior and turned into us normal self.

 

also realize this relationship likely isn’t 100% his fault

[Magic]

21 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The start of any relationship is exciting and wonderful - particularly when the man is love bombing you, which is a common behavior for narcissists and abusers (not saying he is a narcissist or abuser, just saying that this is a strategy used to draw women into a relationship and there are elements of “love bombing” here). 

I would say I do feel as though I was 'love bombed' early on. Out text conversations seemed endless and we would always find something fun to chat about - in-person was the same and lots of affection was always given. Then I guess it was a gradual drop of communication after the first 3 months, until you could tell his communication style was distinctly different. He'd gone from sending 30+ messages a day to sometimes about 5, most of which were dry and bored-sounding. I attributed some of this to the ending of the honeymoon phase, as I knew some things were bound to change but just not to that degree. 

This coincided with around about the time things on my course got very busy, so I was unable to see him as much. I still kept up with the calls and texts though, despite sometimes waiting several hours for him to respond, although he says stuff changed on my end. I do wonder whether this may have been the cause and maybe he genuinely feels he isn't being given enough time? 

[Magic]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

While I get what you mean, do keep in mind that there aren't two versions of him. They're all one version. He simply knew what to keep under wraps at first. But these parts of his character have always been there. It's part of the manipulation with people like him. Pull you in with charm, and then slowly chip away at your self-worth until you feel badly enough that you question whether it's your fault to begin with. 

See how that works?

Yes it's heart-breaking - partly because I feel I was so naïve to be drawn in to the fake persona, but also because I still have feelings for him despite everything. I'm really lost right now. I'm trying to mainly focus on improving my self-esteem and self-worth while I work through this. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Magic said:

I do wonder whether this may have been the cause and maybe he genuinely feels he isn't being given enough time? 

This is life. It’s not your fault in any way.

When I began dating my husband, he was parenting his child and there were weeks that we would not see each other. We would send good morning and good evening texts - the amount of texting or the fact that he had another commitment dod not in any way alter our interest or commitment to growing the relationship. 

 

4 hours ago, Magic said:

Then I guess it was a gradual drop of communication after the first 3 months, until you could tell his communication style was distinctly different.

This is precisely why we date. Everyone is on their best behavior early in the relationship but over time - we get a sense for who that person really is and whether they sustain their behavior/commitment to the relationship. When they don’t or we start to see red flags, the relationship ends. It’s just that simple. 

[smackie9]

On 3/19/2025 at 9:47 AM, Magic said:

This is definitely a fair point...

I guess the main reason why I have stayed in this relationship is that the negative behaviour isn't consistent. In-between times we have a lot of fun together - he knows how to make me laugh and can be very affectionate. He helped me to overcome several of my anxieties at the beginning of the relationship, particularly with driving (I'd had an accident and he was the person who encouraged me to get back behind the wheel again and gave me the confidence I needed). He is very encouraging with other aspects of my life such as my degree, and tells me how well I am doing with my studies. 

I would say it has been in the last couple of months that things between us have got really bad and the negative behaviours have escalated. He blames it on me being away at university so much and says everything will get better once I finish my degree but I'm not so sure...

 

 

That's is how abusers work. They knock down your self esteem, little bits at a time....but pull you in with good behaviour like compliments. That's being "passive/aggressive. It's a form of manipulation they use to control you and confuse you. Once they know you are locked in and won't leave, the abuse will escalate. What happens now is the cycle of abuse...they get real bad, but come back all apologetic, tell you they won't do it again...but that's a lie. It will keeps happening over and over until the next level, which is full on abuse. This is a dangerous time. If you try and leave, you face stalking, harassment, and the possibility of damage to your property, or violence. I have experienced an abusive relationship...my advice...get the f%^& out now! There is no happy ending.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Magic said:

I still kept up with the calls and texts though, despite sometimes waiting several hours for him to respond, although he says stuff changed on my end. I do wonder whether this may have been the cause and maybe he genuinely feels he isn't being given enough time? 

In light of how mean he is to you, does it really matter? 

I mean that sincerely. How long he takes to respond is not really the issue. The issue is that he bullies you belittles you. Even if he felt you didn't have enough time for you, it doesn't excuse how he wipes his feet on you. 

I am curious - what have your previous relationships been like? 

[glows]

What stood out most to me is he dismisses you or says you must be confused or mistaken. Manipulators do that to take the attention off their own poor behaviour and poor way they treat others. That is classic manipulation leading to emotional abuse because nothing you say is valid enough nor is your opinion valid. You could nip it in the bud but youre stuck in a cycle of “maybe if I did things differently he might be different towards me”. Unfortunately thats what he wants you to think - that the problem is you.

[Magic]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

I am curious - what have your previous relationships been like? 

I have been love-bombed previously unfortunately - which is partly why I am so frustrated with myself for letting it happen again. 

The guy previously was strongly attached to me for the first couple of months before he very suddenly pulled away. I was immediately left thinking I had done something wrong and kept making the effort with him for a while, but it was obvious once he started making excuses not to meet up that he was no longer interested... His constant mixed-signals messed with my head so much that I became quite anxious and depressed, so I really don't want to go through that again. 

Is love-bombing a common occurrence in relationships or have I just been incredibly unlucky? 

Edited March 23 by Magic

[Magic]

9 hours ago, glows said:

What stood out most to me is he dismisses you or says you must be confused or mistaken. 

Yes, he rarely agrees with my opinion and has to express his own every time - whilst I absolutely agree he should be able to express his opinion (I have no issues with him not agreeing with me on stuff), it's the way he does it which sometimes comes across as almost 'aggressive'. And I am left feeling like an idiot for even sharing my opinion in the first place. 

[Magic]

16 hours ago, smackie9 said:

That's is how abusers work. They knock down your self esteem, little bits at a time....but pull you in with good behaviour like compliments. That's being "passive/aggressive. It's a form of manipulation they use to control you and confuse you. Once they know you are locked in and won't leave, the abuse will escalate. What happens now is the cycle of abuse...they get real bad, but come back all apologetic, tell you they won't do it again...but that's a lie. It will keeps happening over and over until the next level, which is full on abuse. This is a dangerous time. If you try and leave, you face stalking, harassment, and the possibility of damage to your property, or violence. I have experienced an abusive relationship...my advice...get the f%^& out now! There is no happy ending.

Wow thank you for sharing your experience. 

I would say my self-esteem has been damaged from elements of the relationship, so I am focusing on that and making sure I don't think negatively about myself. I think emotional abuse is often ignored and should be given more attention - especially since it can be the start of more serious abuse.