Is this emotional abuse?

March 19

Hi everyone, I am seeking some urgent advice regarding some problems with my relationship...

I have been with my boyfriend for around 8 months. We are both in our early twenties. Initially everything was great - we got on so well and I could instantly feel a connection. Lately though, things have changed. I have been advised from several people close to me that I may be being emotionally abused in my relationship, but I wanted to get the opinion of a wider audience. The following are some examples of recent scenarios which people close to me said were potentially signs of emotional abuse:

He is constantly critical, to the point where I have started to feel that nothing I do is right. This started about 3 months into the relationship with comments about my clothing style. When I voiced how these comments made me feel, he did mostly stop criticising me in these areas, but the focus of his criticisms seems to have moved to other areas instead. If I say how these comments are making me feel negative about myself he does apologise, but says he's only making the comments 'to help me'.
He seems to have an obsession with personal hygiene, and has suggested I have poor hygiene due to the fact I wash every 2 days (unless I get hot) and not every day like he does. This is a personal choice which works for me as I have fairly sensitive skin. However, on a number of occasions he said I had really bad BO that was so bad 'people would be able to smell it from across a room'. Whilst I acknowledge this would be unpleasant for him, I can't help feeling confused by his comments as I have asked trusted family and friends and they have all denied me ever having an issue. According to my boyfriend, they are all just being nice to me and I am 'in denial'. This has left me feeling paranoid a lot when I am surrounded by other people.
Small comments are often turned into full-scale debates where he is usually the 'right' person. He also puts my opinion down fairly regularly or says I must be mistaken or confused.
If I am not in the mood for whatever reason he becomes incredibly frustrated and uses lines like 'you don't love me' etc. It feels like he's trying to guilt-trip me into doing something with him.
Although he apologises sometimes, most situations seem to end up being blamed on me - although he says it's the other way round and this is what he feels I do!
He says I don't show him enough love/affection which he says is why he's not showering me with affection anymore.

He is hypercritical and a perfectionist by nature. I understand he is quite insecure in relationships and I also understand one or both parents heavily criticised him growing up, so he now feels it is the norm to criticise people in this way all the time - he genuinely doesn't see an issue with it. I am honestly at a loss with what to do. I am in love with this guy (despite how the previous comments may have sounded), and I would love to sort things out. We've made some amazing memories together in a short time and I'd hate to lose all of those, and him, if there is a solution. But I also don't want to be stuck in a toxic relationship that will potentially never change. Is there any way I can fix this? Would love to hear your views, and if what I have described resonates with anyone I would also welcome hearing personal experiences if you feel comfortable. Thank you in advance.

Edited March 19 by Magic

March 19

I don’t understand why you’re still staying in this relationship.

This alone:

41 minutes ago, Magic said:

If I am not in the mood for whatever reason he becomes incredibly frustrated and uses lines like 'you don't love me' etc.

would be reason enough to get out of it.

Life is really too short to spend it in such stress and negativity.

March 19

21 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t understand why you’re still staying in this relationship.

This alone:

would be reason enough to get out of it.

Life is really too short to spend it in such stress and negativity.

This is definitely a fair point...

I guess the main reason why I have stayed in this relationship is that the negative behaviour isn't consistent. In-between times we have a lot of fun together - he knows how to make me laugh and can be very affectionate. He helped me to overcome several of my anxieties at the beginning of the relationship, particularly with driving (I'd had an accident and he was the person who encouraged me to get back behind the wheel again and gave me the confidence I needed). He is very encouraging with other aspects of my life such as my degree, and tells me how well I am doing with my studies.

I would say it has been in the last couple of months that things between us have got really bad and the negative behaviours have escalated. He blames it on me being away at university so much and says everything will get better once I finish my degree but I'm not so sure...

March 19

1 hour ago, Magic said:

I am in love with this guy (despite how the previous comments may have sounded), and I would love to sort things out. We've made some amazing memories together in a short time and I'd hate to lose all of those, and him, if there is a solution. But I also don't want to be stuck in a toxic relationship that will potentially never change. Is there any way I can fix this? Would love to hear your views, and if what I have described resonates with anyone I would also welcome hearing personal experiences if you feel comfortable. Thank you in advance.

The problem is this: based on your post, he is the one with the problematic behavior, but you're asking how you can fix the problem.

You can't fix it. He can. But for him to do that he has to be willing to acknowledge that he has a problem. I don't see that happening.

FWIW, when I was in my early 20s, I dated a man in his 30s, and it was an unhealthy relationship. We were not equals. He constantly found fault with me, and I soon learned that every argument had to end with me apologizing. So I know what it's like to be in that kind of relationship, and I think you should run for the hills: The good times do not outweigh the bad

March 19

1 hour ago, Magic said:

He seems to have an obsession with personal hygiene, and has suggested I have poor hygiene due to the fact I wash every 2 days

I share this "obsession" and I suspect most people who prioritize hygiene will, too.

Other than this, it sounds as though he is difficult to be in a relationship with. It might be best to find someone more compatible.

March 19

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I share this "obsession" and I suspect most people who prioritize hygiene will, too.

Other than this, it sounds as though he is difficult to be in a relationship with. It might be best to find someone more compatible.

Thank you for your view.

I have a focus on hygiene too, but the main reason why it seems to be more obsessive with him is by how often he will mention it.

Edited March 19 by Magic

March 19

13 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

The problem is this: based on your post, he is the one with the problematic behavior, but you're asking how you can fix the problem.

You can't fix it. He can. But for him to do that he has to be willing to acknowledge that he has a problem. I don't see that happening.

FWIW, when I was in my early 20s, I dated a man in his 30s, and it was an unhealthy relationship. We were not equals. He constantly found fault with me, and I soon learned that every argument had to end with me apologizing. So I know what it's like to be in that kind of relationship, and I think you should run for the hills: The good times do not outweigh the bad

Thank you for your help and sharing your experiences

I did consider speaking to him about fixing things, but I honestly don't think he will see things from my point of view.

March 19

If it doesn’t feel right to you, it’s not. Trust your instincts.

Based on your description, this is not a man that I would choose to be my relationship partner. He sounds entitled, dismissive, and disrespectful. None of those things are attractive to me in a partner.

March 19

it doesn't need to be labeled as "emotional abuse" to simply recognize that you're not happy and not a good match, you can dump him for whatever reasons you want.

March 19

I would have dumped this self-righteous, rude little punk by now. Seriously. He'd be in my Reject Pile.

And this? Oh, hell no:

5 hours ago, Magic said:

If I am not in the mood for whatever reason he becomes incredibly frustrated and uses lines like 'you don't love me' etc. It feels like he's trying to guilt-trip me into doing something with him.

5 hours ago, Magic said:

Is there any way I can fix this?

Yes., by working on your self-esteem. That will fix this, because then you won't allow yourself to be treated so poorly by a man ever again.

March 19

7 hours ago, Magic said:

Is there any way I can fix this?

Yes, by BREAKING UP with him. He treats you badly and it's obvious to anyone reading this that he has no intentions of changing that. You need a serious wake up call and to really work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't stay with someone who treats you like this. And YOU cannot do anything to change his behavior. It will continue and will only get worse.

March 19

7 hours ago, Magic said:

This started about 3 months into the relationship

The magic time period. It's often around the 3 month mark that abusive people begin to reveal their true self. This is because that around that time 'normal' people begin to feel properly bonded to their partner and this makes the abuser feel safe to start the devaluation process.

7 hours ago, Magic said:

on a number of occasions he said I had really bad BO that was so bad 'people would be able to smell it from across a room'.

This is just an outright attempt to squash you and make you feel like you're not good enough. Perhaps you should point out that he's such a massive a**h**e that people like me can smell him from the other side of the world .

7 hours ago, Magic said:

Is there any way I can fix this?

No, there isn't. Read up on narcissistic personality traits. I'm not saying he's an actual narcissist, he may just be a rude, insensitive jerk, but if he is a narcissist you need to extricate yourself asap. You won't want to do that, because you're still at the point where you're making excuses for him and questioning your own perception as you struggle to find logical reasons for his illogical behaviour. If you stay in this relationship you'll find yourself in a much worse state of confusion.

Edited March 19 by MsJayne
Grammar

March 20

As someone who has recently escaped an abusive marriage I would say to get in touch with a domestic abuse organisation.

chat with them on the phone or you could even do a course with them.

This is how I identified the abuse and got out. He likely has made you feel so bad you don’t have confidence to leave. Sounds like a lot of gas lighting.

Idas is a great organisation to check out. You are worth so much more.

March 20

I don’t think he’s in love with you.

March 20

2 hours ago, glows said:

I don’t think he’s in love with you.

I was wondering the same thing to be honest...especially as he told me he was in love with me very early on after only a very short time of knowing eachother (probably another red flag right there).

March 20

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If it doesn’t feel right to you, it’s not. Trust your instincts.

Based on your description, this is not a man that I would choose to be my relationship partner. He sounds entitled, dismissive, and disrespectful. None of those things are attractive to me in a partner.

14 hours ago, flitzanu said:

it doesn't need to be labeled as "emotional abuse" to simply recognize that you're not happy and not a good match, you can dump him for whatever reasons you want.

Yes, the relationship really doesn't feel right and I haven't been happy for a few weeks now. I guess I've just been second-guessing myself and thinking is it me that's causing the issues and he is the one with a genuine grievance? Based on your comments though I now know I'm not in the wrong and I do have major reasons to leave.

Edited March 20 by Magic

March 20

3 minutes ago, Magic said:

I was wondering the same thing to be honest...especially as he told me he was in love with me very early on after only a very short time of knowing eachother (probably another red flag right there).

For sure another red flag.

Lovebombing is a symptom of deep insecurity and selfishness. Sooner or later, initial lovebombing will turn into accusations and emotional abuse.

”I love you so much!”, spoken too early and too emphatically, always becomes “you don’t love me enough!” later on.

March 20

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Yes, by BREAKING UP with him. He treats you badly and it's obvious to anyone reading this that he has no intentions of changing that. You need a serious wake up call and to really work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't stay with someone who treats you like this. And YOU cannot do anything to change his behavior. It will continue and will only get worse.

I agree with you entirely - I need to focus improving my self-esteem (which was kind of low before I met him anyway ), and maybe find someone who lifts me up instead of dragging me down.

March 20

9 hours ago, MsJayne said:

The magic time period. It's often around the 3 month mark that abusive people begin to reveal their true self. This is because that around that time 'normal' people begin to feel properly bonded to their partner and this makes the abuser feel safe to start the devaluation process.

This is just an outright attempt to squash you and make you feel like you're not good enough. Perhaps you should point out that he's such a massive a**h**e that people like me can smell him from the other side of the world .

No, there isn't. Read up on narcissistic personality traits. I'm not saying he's an actual narcissist, he may just be a rude, insensitive jerk, but if he is a narcissist you need to extricate yourself asap. You won't want to do that, because you're still at the point where you're making excuses for him and questioning your own perception as you struggle to find logical reasons for his illogical behaviour. If you stay in this relationship you'll find yourself in a much worse state of confusion.

Thank you for this - it confirms a lot of what I had been thinking before but was second-guessing myself over. It was around 3 months he started criticising my clothes by saying some items looked 'old' or 'cheap' and not to wear certain things as I'd 'embarrass him'. This has since stopped, but him moving criticisms from one area to another is really not solving any issues. He always uses his hypercritical nature as an excuse for not fully stopping the criticisms as well.

And honestly, more than anything I'm fed up with his childish behaviour - he acts like such an immature individual sometimes to the point where I almost feel like I'm a parent trying to sort out a moody child.

March 20

3 hours ago, Dating123 said:

As someone who has recently escaped an abusive marriage I would say to get in touch with a domestic abuse organisation.

chat with them on the phone or you could even do a course with them.

This is how I identified the abuse and got out. He likely has made you feel so bad you don’t have confidence to leave. Sounds like a lot of gas lighting.

Idas is a great organisation to check out. You are worth so much more.

Thank you, this is really useful information .

I have been struggling with identifying whether what I've experienced is abusive or if I'm over-reacting (as I do sometimes). But it's so good to know that I'm not imagining things and I can do so much better.

March 20

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

For sure another red flag.

Lovebombing is a symptom of deep insecurity and selfishness. Sooner or later, initial lovebombing will turn into accusations and emotional abuse.

”I love you so much!”, spoken too early and too emphatically, always becomes “you don’t love me enough!” later on.

Yep I can totally relate to this - sounds just like him.

He also told me how perfect I was very early on and how he loved so many things about me (all stuff he now criticises).

I had doubts early-on, just wish I'd trusted my gut back then.

March 20

I’d say he’s emotionally immature and he’s not in love with you. Using his upbringing to justify it is an even larger red flag as it suggests he’s normalized that behaviour and learned from his upbringing that it’s ok to continue to criticize over very petty issues like what you look like or how you dress. Those things are fundamental to you and your choice in how you want to present yourself. There’s a way to give constructive feedback or relay concern but it really does not sound like there’s any concern and he’s not in love with you at all because he doesn’t like the way you present yourself to the world and he doesn’t like how that reflects on him because he’s supposed to be with you. You’re just an object and his lens is very material.

I don’t know if I’d call his behaviour outright abusive but it has the capacity to become so because in his skewed mind he believes he’s doing just by you to continue to focus on things that just aren’t relevant to you and impose his ideals. Maybe you’re thinking about curing cancer and work in a lab all day or maybe you have long term goals like having a family and a house so you’re busy. If you already see yourself in a parent child dynamic that speaks volumes. Please. Who has time for this.

Edited March 20 by glows

March 20

6 hours ago, Magic said:

He also told me how perfect I was very early on and how he loved so many things about me (all stuff he now criticizes ).

Funny how that happens…

Be glad that you have recognized the signs early. Some people waste years of their lives and entangle themselves financially and have children with these men…

Onward and upward for you -

March 20

4 hours ago, glows said:

Using his upbringing to justify it is an even larger red flag as it suggests he’s normalized that behaviour and learned from his upbringing that it’s ok to continue to criticize over very petty issues like what you look like or how you dress.

I don’t know if I’d call his behaviour outright abusive but it has the capacity to become so because in his skewed mind he believes he’s doing just by you to continue to focus on things that just aren’t relevant to you and impose his ideals.

This is what I find the most upsetting concept really - his skewed perception of how he thinks people should be treated and how he's almost doing me a 'favour' by constantly criticising. I should add - a few criticisms I have actually found helpful so have taken those on board, but the rest are just really wearing and not at all useful.

I don't know whether he would have the capacity to realise what he is doing is wrong? If it's been ingrained from childhood then I guess it may be difficult...unless he can be convinced to seek help? I saw another comment on a different thread about how someone's boyfriend was behaving like this, and he was finally persuaded to go to therapy which fixed the relationship and they are now going strong. I think incidences like this are very rare though.

March 20

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Funny how that happens…

Be glad that you have recognized the signs early. Some people waste years of their lives and entangle themselves financially and have children with these men…

Onward and upward for you -

I'm finding these responses really useful as it confirms I'm not imagining things!

I couldn't imagine trying to be a parent and dealing with constant criticisms from a partner...at least now I know his behaviour is not normal.

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