I'm cheating on my long distance boyfriend and want to be faithful again

[JitsuBird]

TLDR: I'm having an intense emotional affair with my jiu jitsu coach, who I'm in close contact with constantly, but Ive decided to choose my boyfriend. If I don't navigate this properly, it will be tough for me at the Jiu jitsu gym since the coach's classes are the ones that work best for me.
 

My boyfriend (24M; we will call him H) and I (26F) have been together for two years now. We love each other very much, and honestly know in all truth that we want to be together. However, because of our job situation and grad school we've been forced to become long distance over the last six months and for the foreseeable future. Despite being six and half hours away; we were making it work and seeing each other on most weekends. I love him more than anything. 

About two months or so ago, I started going jiu jitsu and have become really passionate about it very fast. I want to stick with it. However, my coach (40M; we'll call him P) and I hit it off really intensely. He's a purple belt and a great teacher, and took a lot of time to work with me as a brand new white belt with no previous experience. That's how we got to know each other and eventually to this point. There isn't any kind of policy against dating students at the bjj gym, and despite the age difference and belt ranks, it doesn't feel like I'm being forced into being with him through some power dynamic or like he's predating on me as a new young woman. What is important to know is that this situation was initiated by me, both romantically and sexually, and P would have maintained his professionalism despite him catching feelings for me if I hadn't initiated. I'm a bit nervous about how others in the gym might perceive me, potentially as the type to offer myself in exchange for the opportunity to advance my belt rank faster, but that's not true. 
 

In the last month, my coach brought a mat over to my place and we have been practicing jiu jitsu together privately and hanging out. We have sex a lot, and it's the most amazing sex I've ever had. P seems to know exactly what I need and has crazy high stamina. Sex with H was never bad, but he is a bit nervous about it and seems to stick to the traditional kiss-->foreplay-->hand and oral stuff--> penetration formula, whereas P has all kinds of confidence and keeps things really interesting and fun.
 

I'm having a great time, learning so much, and enjoy being around P but I feel so guilty. P is really into me and makes me feel amazing, both physically and emotionally. It almost seems like he's amazed by me and still tells me so all the time and how much he loves me. I've come to love him too, but I know deep down that I don't want to leave H. I just don't see myself having a future with P but I know I'll have a rich and happy one with H. I love P, but know that I love H more and my heart lies with H. I know that breaking things off will really hurt P, and with us being at the same jiu jitsu gym, and the classes he teaches just so happening to be the only ones I can fit into my schedule, I need to navigate this cautiously. I don't think P will get aggressive or do anything to undermine me and will respect my choice. I don't want to give up jiu jitsu, and conveniently, his classes are the ones that best align with my schedule, so I can't just cut communication with him. We pretty much have to end things on good terms, or I won't be comfortable doing the sport that I've come to love and trained hard at. In an ideal situation, P and I would be able to stay friends without hard feelings and he could still act as my mentor. For the record, H doesn't know about P and I, though I worry he may start to pick up on it soon. If H finds out, there's no repairing our relationship and he will leave me. 
 

I have my decision made, to keep things with H, but I'd like advice on how to handle the situation with P. 
 

Thanks to all who read this whole thing and hope to hear what you have to say. 

[smackie9]

If you want to go straight then cut all contact with that instructor. I get the impression he has done this before with other students in the past. Not really professional IMO. BUT just as a reminder, this affair will always forever be stuck in the back of your mind as you go through life with H...and not in a good way. 

[Acacia98]

I don't think you can have your cake and eat it. If you want to end the affair (which, btw, is not an "emotional affair"), you have to leave the gym and make alternative future arrangements for your continued participation in the sport.

You seem to be under the impression that you can have everything go back to the way it used to be without any inconvenience to you, but life doesn't typically work out that way. You have to make some sacrifices.

Edited March 19 by Acacia98

[Gebidozo]

OP, just show the message you posted here to your boyfriend.

He needs to know that you’ve been having “amazing sex” with another guy who has “crazy high stamina” and whom you’ve “come to love”.

Your boyfriend must know the truth before he understandably decides to break up with you. You can’t bury this. The truth will eventually come out, and then the suffering of your boyfriend, who will have possibly spent years living a lie with a cheater, will be unimaginable.

You can’t “keep things” with your boyfriend, you’ve already broken those things when you repeatedly cheated without much remorse and raving about your lover’s sexual prowess.

Tell him the truth, say “sorry” if you can, accept the inevitable breakup as an important life lesson, and please never do this again.

 

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, JitsuBird said:

TLDR: I'm having an intense emotional affair with my jiu jitsu coach, who I'm in close contact with constantly, but Ive decided to choose my boyfriend. If I don't navigate this properly, it will be tough for me at the Jiu jitsu gym since the coach's classes are the ones that work best for me.
 

 

I have my decision made, to keep things with H, but I'd like advice on how to handle the situation with P. 
 

Thanks to all who read this whole thing and hope to hear what you have to say. 

this isn't an "intense emotional affair" this is you cheating on your boyfriend while he moved away, and you're having sex with your jiu jitsu coach.

would you dump your boyfriend if he was doing the same thing to you?

[Interstellar]

I’m taking jiujitsu myself but currently on hiatus. I can see why you would develop the feels. When you’re rolling with a partner you’re in a way, going past their intimate space. You’re embracing, touching, grabbing each other’s hands, brushing up tightly on each other add to that the sensations it creates. You’re on this heightened sense of awareness mixed with emotions of vulnerability and capability. There’s that element of danger to it because in essence, you’re fighting for your life (to not get submitted). It can be addictive. It’s primal and raw. 

You can always fake an injury. Start missing classes by saying you have nagging injuries and have to go to PT or your hormones are getting negatively affected, etcc..or your period is delayed as a result of the training, whatever come up with something creative. You want to slowly turn the faucet down so to speak by starting to miss classes. You have to leave that gym because that’s the only way. And don’t ever tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him. Confess to a priest instead. That’s why we have priests. And for goodness sake don’t ever cheat on him again.

Edited March 26 by Interstellar

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/19/2025 at 2:42 PM, JitsuBird said:

it will be tough for me at the Jiu jitsu gym since the coach's classes are the ones that work best for me.

 

On 3/19/2025 at 2:42 PM, JitsuBird said:

the classes he teaches just so happening to be the only ones I can fit into my schedule

 

On 3/19/2025 at 2:42 PM, JitsuBird said:

conveniently, his classes are the ones that best align with my schedule

This seems to be a drive-by post since it doesn't look like OP has returned - but OP, if you are still reading....enough with the excuses, girl. 

If you give a crap about your relationship, you will stop attending this mans's lessons. Full stop. This is not something you "can't" do. You can, and you need to (if you actually want to save your relationship) You can't have your cake and eat it, too. You will find this out the hard way if you insist on trying to make the fairty-tale version of this work. 

It is a pipe dream to believe that you can continue with your boyfriend and still be friends with your affair partner. I fear you don't get that at all.