Are we really just friends?

[annie91]

I was seeing a man for about two months, from last December to February. He ended things because he felt I was moving too fast, not allowing the situation to develop naturally, and also found it somewhat pressuring.

Three weeks after we stopped seeing each other, we agreed that he would come over to my place just casually. However, what was supposed to be a quick visit turned into a two-night stay. Since then, we have been spending time together occasionally. For example, the week before last, we didn’t see each other at all, but last week, we spent time together on five different days, including three nights together.

I notice that I am still head over heels for him. There is a lot of physical closeness between us, but we haven’t had penetrative sex in the past week because he feels it wouldn’t be wise. His view on the situation is that there is nothing between us, and we’re just hanging out as friends. He has told me he doesn’t want to talk about feelings or what this is, and when I try to ask where we stand, I can tell it makes him anxious, and his answers are vague. He has said that he doesn’t really have romantic feelings for me anymore and isn’t interested in dating or a relationship with me. However, he says he still cares about me.

We have many mutual friends, and he has always seemed honest. I know that, at least for now, there are no other women in the picture. I, on the other hand, do have feelings for him, and he knows that. The situation feels contradictory because his behavior doesn’t always align with what he says. For example, last Thursday, when I went to his place, he had bought me funny socks (because apparently, they reminded him of me) and flowers. On Sunday, it was his birthday, and he wanted to spend it with me. He kisses me, holds me close, holds my hand, etc. But, as I said, sex is not really happening. When I jokingly asked if this is how he usually spends time with his friends, he said, “Well, of course not.”

I left his place yesterday morning and haven’t heard from him since. I decided to hold my ground this time and not reach out myself, just to see how long it takes for him to contact me—if he does at all. He knows that I have my son this week, so meeting up would be difficult.

When we are together, everything is wonderful, and we act as if we are still dating. But when we are apart, I hardly hear from him, and most of the time, I am the one initiating contact or asking if he wants to meet.

I’m really struggling to decide whether I should step away from this situation or keep seeing him. I understand that his feelings for me may not change and that I could end up hurting myself, but at the same time, I like him so much that I want to see if this could still lead to something more serious. I don’t even know if I can call this a situationship since, according to him, there’s nothing between us—but clearly, there’s something more than just friendship going on.

Any advice on how to move forward?

[Sony12]

You are strictly an FWB to him that he knows wants to have sex with him. If you indeed want more than what he is offering it's best for you to end things 

[Georgia46]

1 hour ago, annie91 said:

notice that I am still head over heels for him. There is a lot of physical closeness between us, but we haven’t had penetrative sex in the past week because he feels it wouldn’t be wise. His view on the situation is that there is nothing between us, and we’re just hanging out as friends. He has told me he doesn’t want to talk about feelings or what this is, and when I try to ask where we stand, I can tell it makes him anxious, and his answers are vague. He has said that he doesn’t really have romantic feelings for me anymore and isn’t interested in dating or a relationship with me. However, he says he still cares about me.

Because you have written that you are head over heels for this guy… you need to walk away.  
 

yes it’ll be as hard as hell but … not so much as one year, maybe two years down the road when he meets someone else and *possibly* casts you aside.    
 

1 hour ago, annie91 said:

For example, last Thursday, when I went to his place, he had bought me funny socks (because apparently, they reminded him of me) and flowers. On Sunday, it was his birthday, and he wanted to spend it with me. He kisses me, holds me close, holds my hand, etc. But, as I said, sex is not really happening. When I jokingly asked if this is how he usually spends time with his friends, he said, “Well, of course not.”

If you rip the band aid off now and walk away - promise to love yourself so much that you would never allow someone to mess with you this way.    
 

Because a real, proper man who cared about you wouldn’t treat you like that. 
 

good luck whatever you decide to do, but honestly, the longer you stay the harder it becomes to walk away. 
 

Take care 😎

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, annie91 said:

but clearly, there’s something more than just friendship going on.

You're friends who have (or had) sex and are keeping each other company until he gets a girlfriend. 

 

[annie91]

15 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

Because you have written that you are head over heels for this guy… you need to walk away.  
 

yes it’ll be as hard as hell but … not so much as one year, maybe two years down the road when he meets someone else and *possibly* casts you aside.    
 

If you rip the band aid off now and walk away - promise to love yourself so much that you would never allow someone to mess with you this way.    
 

Because a real, proper man who cared about you wouldn’t treat you like that. 
 

good luck whatever you decide to do, but honestly, the longer you stay the harder it becomes to walk away. 
 

Take care 😎

It's really difficult. I do notice that he doesn’t have to do much to keep me hooked on this, but he does just enough (like those gifts he gave me).

I told him the day before yesterday about my worries and thoughts on whether I should just stop seeing him, and his response is always, "Well, we don’t have to see each other if we don’t want to." So he takes no responsibility for anything—it’s enough for him that he has told me he doesn’t want anything serious with me, and the rest is my own choices, which I think is pretty f***ed up because he knows very well how I feel about him.

However, I’ve now decided that I won’t reach out to him anymore. He’s probably waiting to see when he’ll hear from me, and he’ll likely send me some dry message by next week at the latest. But I just have to start valuing myself a bit more. That’s when I’ll see whether he actually steps up or if he genuinely doesn’t care.

[Georgia46]

1 minute ago, annie91 said:

It's really difficult. I do notice that he doesn’t have to do much to keep me hooked on this, but he does just enough (like those gifts he gave me).

I told him the day before yesterday about my worries and thoughts on whether I should just stop seeing him, and his response is always, "Well, we don’t have to see each other if we don’t want to." So he takes no responsibility for anything—it’s enough for him that he has told me he doesn’t want anything serious with me, and the rest is my own choices, which I think is pretty f***ed up because he knows very well how I feel about him.

However, I’ve now decided that I won’t reach out to him anymore. He’s probably waiting to see when he’ll hear from me, and he’ll likely send me some dry message by next week at the latest. But I just have to start valuing myself a bit more. That’s when I’ll see whether he actually steps up or if he genuinely doesn’t care.

I just don’t want you to end up two years down the line heartbroken.    
 

maybe you don’t have to cut it off instantly, but say give yourself a time frame and if nothings changed, walk away.  

 

 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, annie91 said:

He ended things because he felt I was moving too fast, not allowing the situation to develop naturally, and also found it somewhat pressuring.

Three weeks after we stopped seeing each other, we agreed that he would come over to my place just casually. However, what was supposed to be a quick visit turned into a two-night stay. 

(...)

I notice that I am still head over heels for him. There is a lot of physical closeness between us, but we haven’t had penetrative sex in the past week because he feels it wouldn’t be wise. His view on the situation is that there is nothing between us, and we’re just hanging out as friends. He has told me he doesn’t want to talk about feelings or what this is, and when I try to ask where we stand, I can tell it makes him anxious, and his answers are vague. He has said that he doesn’t really have romantic feelings for me anymore and isn’t interested in dating or a relationship with me. However, he says he still cares about me.

As soon as I read the first paragraph, I knew how the story would turn out.

He's basically your average guy who wants the relationship experience without any of the responsibility. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

They always start out the same way: they want a relationship; they date you. Soon as you get hooked, they come up with an excuse to break up and change the nature of the relationship. You give them sex and/or emotional support; they get to come and go as they please; and they never want to be called a boyfriend. They do a whole lot of emotional damage and leave you with your self-esteem in shreds.

How you move forward: You take responsibility for your own well-being and emotional safety. Shut the door, block him, and move on.

Edited March 19 by Acacia98

[Georgia46]

The sad thing is we’re always attracted to these f*** boys.     
 

you know he’s playing you - but yet he’s an addiction.   
 

 

[annie91]

Well, things aren’t completely black and white. I know for sure that he’s not a f***boy. And yes, it is my own choice to be involved in this, but if it were easy to just walk away, I definitely would have done it.

Still, what we have—I get something out of it too. We live in Finland, and for example, last week we went skiing and hiking, and as always, we had such a fun and enjoyable time together. That’s why I keep holding onto hope that this could still change, and I ask for advice.

[annie91]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

What does this mean?  Are you having oral sex? Are you touching each other sexually?  Kissing? 

 

Why aren't you hearing this? 

Yes, all of those things. I am hearing it. I'm just hoping it will change and I'm confused.

[annie91]

and in fact, he just messaged me. sooner than i thought.

[introverted1]

Just now, annie91 said:

Yes, all of those things. I am hearing it. I'm just hoping it will change and I'm confused.

Kindly, I think you are deluding yourself.  No man who wants a relationship tells a woman that he is not romantically interested in her, especially when she has already told him that she wants to be in a relationship with him.

This guy is enjoying the best of both worlds:  sex when he wants it in a no-strings-attached situation.  When he meets the woman he does want a relationship with, he will extricate himself from you guilt-free because he told you up front that he had no romantic intentions with you. He'll move on happily and you will be heart-broken.

[annie91]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Kindly, I think you are deluding yourself.  No man who wants a relationship tells a woman that he is not romantically interested in her, especially when she has already told him that she wants to be in a relationship with him.

This guy is enjoying the best of both worlds:  sex when he wants it in a no-strings-attached situation.  When he meets the woman he does want a relationship with, he will extricate himself from you guilt-free because he told you up front that he had no romantic intentions with you. He'll move on happily and you will be heart-broken.

I believe I already mentioned that I’m aware of the risks and that I know if things continue like this, that’s how it will turn out.

I’m wondering if the situation could change, if his feelings could change. That’s what I’m thinking about and what I’m asking myself.

And I also mentioned that I’m going to change my own approach—if he doesn’t change his behavior, I’ll walk away.

Edited March 19 by annie91

[Georgia46]

9 minutes ago, annie91 said:

Well, things aren’t completely black and white. I know for sure that he’s not a f***boy. And yes, it is my own choice to be involved in this, but if it were easy to just walk away, I definitely would have done it.

Still, what we have—I get something out of it too. We live in Finland, and for example, last week we went skiing and hiking, and as always, we had such a fun and enjoyable time together. That’s why I keep holding onto hope that this could still change, and I ask for advice.

Well he does sound like one…. He’s playing with your emotions.    

[Sony12]

8 minutes ago, annie91 said:

I believe I already mentioned that I’m aware of the risks and that I know if things continue like this, that’s how it will turn out.

I’m wondering if the situation could change, if his feelings could change. That’s what I’m thinking about and what I’m asking myself.

And I also mentioned that I’m going to change my own approach—if he doesn’t change his behavior, I’ll walk away.

Seldom does it ever change. You want to find out how he really feels about you just don't stop having intercourse with him. Stop giving him blowjobs as well. And don't allow him to do things to you.

You said you were still having oral sex with him. Many guys like oral sex just as much as intercourse (sometimes even more). You are still clearly physically satisfying him and giving him what he wants. You won't find out how he truly feels about you until you stop doing those things for him.

 

[flitzanu]

6 hours ago, annie91 said:

His view on the situation is that there is nothing between us, and we’re just hanging out as friends. He has told me he doesn’t want to talk about feelings or what this is, and when I try to ask where we stand, I can tell it makes him anxious, and his answers are vague. He has said that he doesn’t really have romantic feelings for me anymore and isn’t interested in dating or a relationship with me. However, he says he still cares about me.

 

I’m really struggling to decide whether I should step away from this situation or keep seeing him. I understand that his feelings for me may not change and that I could end up hurting myself, but at the same time, I like him so much that I want to see if this could still lead to something more serious. I don’t even know if I can call this a situationship since, according to him, there’s nothing between us—but clearly, there’s something more than just friendship going on.

Any advice on how to move forward?

you're ignoring what he is telling you, that there are no romantic feelings and you're just friends, regardless of what you want to think it is. 

if you continue letting it happen and having sex with him thinking this will change his mind, you're only hurting yourself, and he's going to walk away just fine.

[glows]

I don’t think this is working. This type of man falls for the woman he can’t have or the one who doesn’t like him. He likes the chase. You give in too easily and reach out too soon. 

[annie91]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t think this is working. This type of man falls for the woman he can’t have or the one who doesn’t like him. He likes the chase. You give in too easily and reach out too soon. 

Might be. I'm too old and tired to play these kind of games tho. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, annie91 said:

Might be. I'm too old and tired to play these kind of games tho. 

So why are you still doing it? 

[annie91]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So why are you still doing it? 

Because he makes me laugh and I like him. And I have hope for something still. Let's see where this goes. 

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, annie91 said:

Because he makes me laugh and I like him. And I have hope for something still. Let's see where this goes. 

You are only setting yourself up for more disappointment. The guy has made it clear what his view on the situation is. If you are going to refuse to end things with him than there is no need for this thread to continue.

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, annie91 said:

In this case it isn't. 

Well if you are truly being honest and that is not the reason you are continuing on with the guy than there is absolutely no reason why you should be staying in it. The guy has made it clear what his view on the situation is. If you are only with him because you want a relationship with him he has straight up told you he will not be offering that.

Is he much better looking than most of the men you get attention from?

Edited March 20 by Sony12

[annie91]

43 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Well if you are truly being honest and that is not the reason you are continuing on with the guy than there is absolutely no reason why you should be staying in it. The guy has made it clear what his view on the situation is. If you are only with him because you want a relationship with him he has straight up told you he will not be offering that.

Is he much better looking than most of the men you get attention from?

I'm sorry, but clearly, you don't understand, even though I've explained it several times. I have feelings for this person. His presence makes me feel good, I enjoy his company, and I’ve already repeated multiple times that I’m going to see if this develops into something or if his behavior changes. If it doesn’t change by a certain time, I’ll walk away. Yes, he’s attractive, just like all the other men I’ve shared some part of my life with. Sex is not related to this at all. And no, this relationship is not entirely one-sided, and things are not entirely black and white. There are many things I haven’t mentioned, of course, and I haven’t always behaved perfectly towards him when we were seeing each other. He’s had his doubts, and still does. But that’s all.

[glows]

2 hours ago, annie91 said:

Thank you.

Absolutely not. I have set a time limit for myself to see if anything changes, and after that, I will let go and move forward. This man has been surprisingly active in keeping in touch in the past few days, which is somewhat new, and I, on the other hand, have managed to keep myself in check and not give him as much of myself as I usually do.

That’s a great plan. I’ve done the same too - giving time limits to myself for something and then allowing myself to move on because we are all deserving of happiness and better than the previous or current outcome. I also like to think of people learning and living in different phases/different speeds. He may not be a terrible person but he’s may also not be on your wavelength or want the same thing you want for the future.

[ShyViolet]

On 3/20/2025 at 10:27 AM, annie91 said:

I'm sorry, but clearly, you don't understand, even though I've explained it several times. I have feelings for this person. His presence makes me feel good, I enjoy his company, and I’ve already repeated multiple times that I’m going to see if this develops into something or if his behavior changes. If it doesn’t change by a certain time, I’ll walk away. 

If you had a healthy amount of self-respect, you would walk away now.  If this man was interested in being with you, he wouldn't have broken up with you and wouldn't have explicitly told you that he is not interested in dating you again.  That's not something that men do when they are interested in a woman.  If he wanted to be with you, you'd know.  You are really kidding yourself holding out hope that he'll change his mind.  The longer you play this game, the more you will get hurt when this does end, or when he meets someone else that he really wants to be with.  What you are doing is settling for a guy who doesn't actually want to be with you, and who has made that clear, and kidding yourself into thinking there's a chance he will change his mind.  That rarely happens.