Im lesbian and my girlfriend stays friends with her ex boyfriend even though I'm uncomfortable with it. What should I do?

[Novy]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and overall, our relationship has been great except for one issue that keeps coming up. I don’t like that she’s still friends with her ex boyfriend.

 

For context, we met at university while she was in a long-distance relationship with her ex-boyfriend. They had been together for over three years but eventually broke up. About 4–5 months after their breakup, she and I started dating and i am her first gf.

 

The first argument we had in our relationship was about him. When he found out we were dating, he ghosted her because he still had feelings for her. She cried a lot because she cant move on and didn’t want to lose him as a friend so I was upset too. We had big arguments about that but she didn’t say anything at that time. Eventually, they reconnected, and he started calling her whenever he was bored or wanted to play games. That didn’t sit right with me, and we still had more arguments about it.

 

I’ve told her multiple times that I don’t like their friendship and asked her to keep some distance or cut him off. She refuses, saying she would always prioritize friendships over our relationship. She will never change her mind even i told her to cut him off. She tells me to trust her, but it’s hard because he has been flirty with her, even in group game sessions we’ve played together. She ignores when he flirts but for me as a girlfriend i dont like it. So we argued again and she promised me that she will not stay or play games alone with him. But always when he called her, she go join with him and play together with him alone. She only gives me one reason that other friends are busy. I was so mad and uncomfortable seeing like that.

 

And this time when I told her I wanted to play a newly released game. Instead of just playing with me or inviting other friends, she called her ex-boyfriend to play with us and she know how I feel about him. The only reason we had fight or argument was only about him.

 

I don’t want to be controlling, but I feel disrespected. I’ve communicated my boundaries, but she doesn’t seem to care. Am I overreacting? How should I handle this situation? 

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, Novy said:

I’ve communicated my boundaries, but she doesn’t seem to care.

No, you haven't.

A boundary looks like this:  It makes me uncomfortable when you play games one-on-one with your ex.  I am unable to remain in a relationship when the person who loves me does things that make me uncomfortable.  And then you leave the relationship.

Decide what your boundary is relative to this ex, communicate it, and then act accordingly. 

https://www.simplypsychology.org/relationships-personal-boundaries.html

 

[basil67]

I agree with this ^ .    As it stands, you've already communicated your feelings numerous times and she's told you it's not going to happen.  So now you have to decide if you will stay or go.  

For future reference, it's best to leave a relationship BEFORE you become controlling.  

[MsJayne]

You're not being unreasonable, sounds like she's not really taking your relationship or your feelings seriously. Being on good terms with an ex is good, making them a big part of your life is bad. It's normal that you would feel threatened by the intrusion into your relationship and her lack of respect for your boundaries, but if you feel like you have to give her an ultimatum it's best to end it without doing that, she's giving you plenty of reason. If she needs her ex so much maybe she should go back to him. 

[Gaeta]

On 3/19/2025 at 8:00 AM, Novy said:

She refuses, saying she would always prioritize friendships over our relationship.

I don't need to read further. Why haven't you left this relationship already? If my bf asked me to cut contact with an ex I'd do it in a heart beat. Do not date people that don't  make you a priority. Yes  yes you love her, but she does not love you the way you want to be loved. There is no future here. 

[smackie9]

Mom talk: you should know better than to date someone that has unfinished business with their ex, let alone her first female relationship. She's still on the fence/confused with her feelings. You can't be standing around for her to knock off those training wheels she has on. Best to move on and meet someone of more maturity and experience.

[Jolienyc]

It’s tough when your partner’s friendships, especially with an ex, make you uneasy. Start by reflecting on why this bothers you—jealousy, insecurity, or specific behaviors? Then, have an honest, calm conversation with your girlfriend. Share your feelings using “I” statements, like “I feel uncomfortable when you spend time with your ex because…” Avoid ultimatums; instead, listen to her perspective. Maybe she values the friendship but doesn’t see it romantically. Ask for clear boundaries that respect both your feelings and her autonomy, like no late-night calls or one-on-one hangouts. If she dismisses your concerns or boundaries aren’t respected, it might signal deeper trust issues. You can’t control her friendships, but you can decide what you’re okay with in a relationship. If it keeps eating at you, couples counseling or a deeper look at compatibility might be worth considering. Trust your gut, but don’t let fear drive the bus.