FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I posted this over in General Relationship Discussion, and got no responses. The exact same thing happened last time I posted a thread there. Please, I know this is long, but if you can just read it through, and offer me any advice, I would be very, very grateful. Okay.... I've met a girl on an internet forum, and I'm in love with her. Like.... totally and utterly. I have rebuilt my world around her, spending time on the forums talking to her has taken precedence over everything else.... school, socializing, sport, you name it. Probably not the best way to be going about it, but hey.... Lately.... things have been great. Every time we are both on the forums at the same time we end up taking over a thread or in some way getting to know one another better. I have her MSN address, but I don't quite know what to do with it.... I was talking to this other guy from the forum, he met a girl on there, they live on opposite sides of the world, but they have committed to one another. He stressed the importance of MSN, quickfire conversations without the time to think that you get in forums. But I just suck at starting the conversation, and either she does too or she just doesn't want to. Anyway, I fear that I'll end up saying something stupid. Plus, whenever she's on MSN, she's on the forum too, so it'd be difficult to have a proper conversation. It's a complicated situation.... she has a boyfriend. You might say that's an impossible barrier to cross.... but it doesn't bother me that much. It's complicated too, I'm not gonna get into that side of it.... but for me it's not a big thing. It's difficult to compete with the people she meets everyday in real life. Actually, it's a ****load more than difficult, but I think I'm making a pretty good effort. But how to take it to the next level.... I know it's an awkward request, but please if any of you have any advice as to what I can do to.... yanno, to make her think about me. 'Twas her birthday recently, I sent her a PM with some drawings and stuff. It's my birthday in.... 2 days time. I'm so afraid that she won't do anything for my birthday. For me, that would be a major indication that the feeling isn't mutual. So.... yah. 2 days. And even if she does go to a little bit of trouble for me, she's a very, very nice person, it doesn't necessarily mean she likes me if she does something for my birthday. *sigh* .... I really have to know. I have to tell her how I feel. I've written a song for her, it kinda sums it all up. I could record it and send it to her via MSN.... but, I've also written a short message (ie.... about a page long) telling her how I feel. I could do that either. Or, I could go with something really short, like 1 line long. Or I could just sit here doing nothing, waiting it out to see if anything happens by itself, wrecking my own head by constantly replaying conversations over and over until all I can focus on are the negatives. Yeah.... that's not gonna work. I have to tell her. And if I do tell her, then it's the right thing to do. If you've read this far, well done and thank you. Please, a little advice. If there is anything you could offer me, anything you think I'm doing wrong.... please put aside anything relating to the fact that online relationships rarely work out etc.... nothing anybody says is going to change the way I feel about her. So please, just advice, anything that might help. Thanks a lot.
ZGT1503 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Hi, sorry to hear you're going through such a bad time over this. I have no idea what it's like to have an online relationship so I can't help much, but what did strike me after I read your post is that it seems you are overanalysing things a bit, and getting yourself a bit worked up over what to do and so on. Or whether she will get you something for your birthday etc. Of course, this is not unusual and I am sometimes the same way in a relationship, especially when you feel so much for your partner, but in the end you are the one who ends up anxious all the time, because you are focussing too much on one person. Does she feel the same way about all of this as you do? I mean, have you already told her that you feel like this and has she said she feels the same? If it was me, I would be a little concerned that she has a boyfriend, but you say you have your reasons for that not worrying you. My suggestion would be not to send a song or very deep letter, but instead to get started with a different type of communication. MSN maybe (don't worry too much about saying something stupid, she is probably worrying too). Something a bit less full-on... Anyway, good luck with whatever step you take. But try to relax a bit, focus on your other life again (it's never a good idea to let one person take precedence over EVERYTHING) and let her come to you. Oh, and Happy Birthday for 2 days' time!
Citizen Erased Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Online relationships do work out! My Dad just got married to someone he met over the Net, they have been together for 5 years now, and numerous other people do as well! As for your situation, it really is hard to tell this girls feelings for you. Has she talked about perhaps meeting up with you? Is there any kind of chemistry? The fact that she has a boyfriend is a bit strange if she has purposely gone out of her way to meet you on the Net, but is she expressing herself in more of a friend or partner way? MSN is not that bad, in fact it is good. You dont have to have an indepth, hurried conversation. Usually, the conversation will just flow. You don't have to act like you are meeting her parents, or going for an interview, just RELAX and what to say will come to you.
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Wow, thanks a lot guys, I think I know what forum I'll be posting in from now on! Does she feel the same way about all of this as you do? I mean, have you already told her that you feel like this and has she said she feels the same? No I haven't told her how I feel. I don't know whether I should or whether I should just wait and see or.... I just don't know. I mean I sooooooooo want to tell her how I feel, it's so very hard not to.... but I'm also afraid of scaring her away. It may be too soon, I've only been on the forum since October and I've only really started getting to know her since the start of December. I know that sounds ridiculous, but we really have become good friends, we talk every day about personal stuff. But I still don't know if it's time enough to tell her how I feel. Thanks for the birthday wishes by the way! As for your situation, it really is hard to tell this girls feelings for you. Has she talked about perhaps meeting up with you? Yeah, we talked about it a lot actually. We had planned to go to a concert together, it's on next month in her country, she was hoping to get tickets for her birthday.... she didn't. I don't know what that means really. I wonder did she really try to get the tickets, or was she just not allowed? I dunno.... she's still invited me over anyway, but that's probably just a joke. Is there any kind of chemistry? Yes.... but I don't know what kind of chemistry. I mean we really do get along so well, but I don't know what that means to her.... I really don't think it's crossed her mind that anything could ever happen between us. She's obviously a lot more realistic than I am. The fact that she has a boyfriend is a bit strange if she has purposely gone out of her way to meet you on the Net, but is she expressing herself in more of a friend or partner way? That's what I don't know. It's really hard to tell what way she feels. Unfortunately I'd say it's more friend, only because I think she's got her priorities right. I mean here I am completely in love with a girl from a whole other country.... she has a life, she doesn't need me. No matter how well we get along, the fact that I don't meet her every day in the real world is kinda pivotal. It could so easily work out, I know it, but only if she wants it to. Ack.... I can't really put it into normal words. Here's a verse from a crappy song I wrote about it.... "I love her dearly, from the bottom of my still unbroken heart. I'm sure she knows, or has a feeling, but she just doesn't wanna play my part. It's not that we could never work, it's not that we could never make a pair. I hate it how I'll never cross her mind like that, just 'cause I'm not there." And that's that. Crap now I'm feeling so pessimistic again. This always happens.
Citizen Erased Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 You sound like such a sweet guy !!! By the sounds of it, yes this girl is not exactly getting caught up in any new relationship because she I guess has faced up to the fact that you live in separate countries and the love and care which people need in a relationship is impossible to have at the moment. As you have not actually physically met, she is most probably wary of you and unsure of what you are like. I think that you will need to back off a little from this. Talk to her yes, be friends with her and as you get to know her then you will know her intentions. Don't be too pushy as it is easy to just block someone when they live in another country! Just talk to her, and if the feelings between you two blossom, then so be it
ZGT1503 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Hey, I really think you are putting your feelings down a lot of the time and you shouldn't say things like your song is 'crappy' (it isn't by the way!) or that the way you feel sounds 'ridiculous'. Or that she doesn't 'need' you (she obviously values you or she wouldn't spend so much time online with you!) You must have confidence in yourself and your feelings. If that is what you feel about her, then that is genuine and not something you need to excuse. It's easier to say this than to believe in it yourself, I know (I have really bad jealousy problems and am constantly struggling to have more self-esteem!). Anyway, back to the subject, you will probably find it hard to tell if this girl is just thinking of you as a friend or as something more. The fact that she has a boyfriend and also lives in a different country means that it will be hard for you. My advice would be to wait a while and try a bit more communication (try MSN!) so you can judge the situation a bit better. Why not try a subtle way of testing her feelings, rather than coming out with yours so directly (which could scare her off a bit...)? For example, when you are 'chatting' online, you could ask her how her relationship is going, or ask about her feelings in a light-hearted way? Or casually ask again what she thinks about meeting? Then play it by ear. Whatever... don't be pessimistic though! Try to relax and not think about it so much/often and you might find it easier (I know, I know, easy for others to say!) Let us know how you get on anyhow, good luck.
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks again guys! It's so helpful to actually talk about this! I know, you both said it, I have to back off a little.... but it's sooooo hard! Because right now, I'm just completely geared towards trying to make this work. I kinda hate this town, the place I've grown up in, school etc.... she is a glimmer of hope in my life right now, and all I can see is this far-off dream of a future with her. I'm afraid if I let go even a little, it'll all just disappear. Dammit.... I was kinda hoping one of you would advise me to tell her how I feel! I know you're probably right, it's best not to tell her, but it's unbelievably hard not to! I'm so terrible at trying to read into the words of other people, so I really can't tell what way she feels about me, if she feels any way about me.... that's why the way I see it the only way to put my mind at ease would be to tell her. But it's probably better that I don't.... is now the right time to mention that she's 2 years younger than me? Personally I don't think it makes a difference but some people might. I guess I'll just keep trying to progress and build on what I have, and try not to tell her how I feel. *sigh* It really is hard not to.... I never thought it would be so hard. Oh well.... thanks again for your help, I'll let you know how the birthday deeley goes. And if anything else happens that I need to talk about. Thanks! Here's another verse from that crappy.... I mean, NOT crappy.... song! It's the only way I can really put my feelings into words.... "If we could ever be together in some far off land where rules just don't apply, I'd show her that she means the world to me, she's the apple of my eye. I'd die without her, she's my one, my all, my life, my heart and soul.... I love it how where once I was so empty she has made me feel so whole." Yeah.... it's still crappy.
Lil Honey Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Fubard: I have to agree with the others. But don't misunderstand. No one said not to tell her how you feel, they just said to slow down. You said that you have been really getting to know her since only December. Getting to know her is good, but give it time. Let things develop on their own. Be careful with your heart. Be cautious. Communication is the basis of a good relationship, but you don't want to seemingly pounce on her and smother her with too much info at once and so quickly. Another thing: Please continue the friendships and activities that you had before you started talking to her. If it doesn't work out, you will need things to fall back on. You will need activities to keep your mind busy and friends to keep you occupied. You shouldn't stop being YOU simply because a girl showed up in your life. With or without her, you still need your own sense of identity.
ReluctantRomeo Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 The fact that she has a boyfriend and also lives in a different country means that it will be hard for you. No kidding! Not wishing to break up the cosy consensus here, but for me these 2 would be dealbreakers. Fub, there have got to be plenty of single girls on your side of the world. Why don't you go for one of them?
blind_otter Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 No kidding! Not wishing to break up the cosy consensus here, but for me these 2 would be dealbreakers. Fub, there have got to be plenty of single girls on your side of the world. Why don't you go for one of them? Word... It's not a good thing to base an emotional connection on an interaction that occurs in one, controlled environment. You should hang out with someone face to face before you give them your heart! That period of time you get, before you commit to someone, before you talk about your feelings, is precious. It's the time that you can say anything, imagine anything, without the boundaries of reality to affect you. You sound like a very sweet guy...I think you should talk to her about how you feel. It may be painful and it may burst your bubble, but you need to be living your life. Where you are, who you are, right now.....
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Thank you to all of you for reading everything I've said, a lot of it probably seems like gibberish! Thanks a lot. Please continue the friendships and activities that you had before you started talking to her. If it doesn't work out, you will need things to fall back on. You will need activities to keep your mind busy and friends to keep you occupied. You shouldn't stop being YOU simply because a girl showed up in your life. With or without her, you still need your own sense of identity. That's the thing.... this might sound silly, but I've only really got to know myself when I got to know her. This town, this place where I unfortunately live.... it's kinda suffocating. I've never been myself around here, just changed myself to suit the place and the people. She's helped me realise that, and I'm never going back to the way things were. That dog in your avatar is the coolest thing ever by the way! Fub, there have got to be plenty of single girls on your side of the world. Why don't you go for one of them? Well.... she is on my side of the world, pretty close actually, but anyway.... I just don't want to. Same reasons as above, I just hate this town. I think you should talk to her about how you feel. Yeah me too.... but I know I'm not gonna do it right away. I will end up waiting a while. Probably for the best. Thanks a lot for your advice everybody!
alphamale Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 FUBARd, you may be in the need for some therapy or something because you're living in a fantasy world here. Sorry, but I think it's in your best interest and I'm not joking around.
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Wow okay thanks.... I'll take it under consideration Look.... you don't know enough about my situation to jump to a conclusion like that, so please don't. Maybe I need therapy, but it sure as hell won't be as a result of what I'm going through now. Because I've never been so sure of anything in my life. Please don't respond to this with a list of reasons as to why I should get therapy or the pros and cons of therapy or any other therapy related trivia.... thank you for your input, but therapy isn't the kind of help I'm after right now.
Lil Honey Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Fubard: Why are you stuck living in a place that you hate? How old are you? Are you living with your parents or at a college? Even so, it might do you a world of good to start getting info about other places that you can move to when your situation changes. Pick some cities and learn about job opportunities and housing costs. (Heck, it could be fun! ) You might learn more about yourself when you start exploring and seeing what you like and don't like.
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 I'm 16, 17 tomorrow, stuck at home living with my parents. My ambitions for the future are kinda.... unrealistic, surprise surprise. Just like this situation. Music is my only interest career-wise, so I haven't really thought about after school, all I know is I'll either run away from this place before I finish school, or I'll put up with it 'til I finish, then get as far away as possible. Alaska's somewhere I've always wanted to live, but.... if I progress with this girl, if she ever feels the same way.... hopefully I'll have another place to go if/when I finish school. Hopefully....
blind_otter Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 IME, the only time you truely get to know yourself is when you are alone. Says the girl who has spent most of her adult life leapfrogging from relationship to relationship. Plus if it takes getting to know someone else to get to know yourself, hmmm, that sounds a little warped. A little twist of the truth to serve your purposes? Also, I hate to say this, but I have an exBF who as far as I know thinks that none of my BFs since him are a "big deal" - but he is in prison for stalking me. Have you ever seen the movie "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not"?? Sometimes the fantasy we have in our head is much more attractive than the reality we exist in and for many ,escapism is their only relief.
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 IME, the only time you truely get to know yourself is when you are alone. Says the girl who has spent most of her adult life leapfrogging from relationship to relationship. I know exactly what you mean, my motto type thingy is "if you can't enjoy your own company, why should anybody else?" That's what I tell my parents when they try to get me out socializing! Plus if it takes getting to know someone else to get to know yourself, hmmm, that sounds a little warped. A little twist of the truth to serve your purposes? Not a twist of the truth, I just didn't elaborate enough.... since I've started talking to her, I've given up social stuff, besides the obvious things like going to school. I mean I don't go to town with my "friends", stuff like that. So.... this town and the people I thought were my friends no longer influence me, no longer suffocate me. For the last few months I've spent so much time on my own, I'm thinking so much, I'm realising who I am. My taste in music has changed sooooooo much since this all started, only one example of the things I've realised about myself. Does it make sense now? Sorry for being so vague in the first place, I'm kinda prone to that! Also, I hate to say this, but I have an exBF who as far as I know thinks that none of my BFs since him are a "big deal" - but he is in prison for stalking me. Have you ever seen the movie "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not"?? No I haven't.... I know I said I didn't see her relationship as a big deal, but I really have my reasons. I'm not going to violate her privacy by listing them off, but they are pretty logical reasons. And I used the word "boyfriend" for the sake of clarity, they're not actually going out. So just ignore that whole area, I made it pretty confusing for all of us Sometimes the fantasy we have in our head is much more attractive than the reality we exist in and for many ,escapism is their only relief. Yeah.... but unfortunately I'm very much aware of my reality. I go to school every day, that's enough of a wake-up call. I am fully aware that the chances of this ever working out are slimmer than slim, but I am also verrrrrrrry aware of how I feel, and how right it feels, and that is why I am not giving up.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Sometimes the fantasy we have in our head is much more attractive than the reality we exist in and for many ,escapism is their only relief. In a classic episode of the original Star Trek, Spock once uttered: "After a time, you may find that 'having' is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as 'wanting.' It is not logical, but it is often true."
blind_otter Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I know exactly what you mean, my motto type thingy is "if you can't enjoy your own company, why should anybody else?" That's what I tell my parents when they try to get me out socializing! Nah, you didn't get what I meant at all. I was talking about romantic relationships, not friendships. Isolating yourself is bad, bad bad bad. It is a sure sign that you are living in a fantasy world, you dislike being around other people because they disrupt your viewpoint.... I've done it. In the context of abusive relationships, anyways. I isolated from other people, convinced by the love, lover, the romance. You should have friends, hon. Plus, you're really young, no offense. I'm not saying this as an indictment, more like, you have so much ahead of you, if you focus your energy you can achieve a lot, and it looks like you're focusing your energy on the wrong thing. You have years to waste obsessing about women in your 20s and 30s, believe me. Can we get at least 2 decades where ya don't fixate on the females?
Lil Honey Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Well, most teens ARE "stuck at home living with (their) parents," so you aren't alone. If your home life is frustrating you, you could start a thread about it and maybe get some help with it as well. (Just a suggestion.) Your music ambitions are unrealistic only if you think of them that way. There are many, many careers that you can have with a music degree. You could also plan on going to college for a different skill, but keep music in your life as a hobby or a side-line. Many people do several different things and have different talents. I don't happen to be one of them. LOL PLEASE don't run away before you finish school. If you need help dealing with parents, post in the family section of this site (for example). I and others are parents and can at least help you try to understand them. But you are so close to finishing. Good grief, you are 17. You really need that diploma. You will need all the education you can get in order to take care of yourself - and an eventual family.
alphamale Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Good grief, you are 17. that about sums it up LIL HONEY....
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Sorry for the misunderstanding.... I'm a little slow like that. Look.... I really can't put into words how I feel, I can't justify how I feel, and why I feel this way. The words are in there somewhere, and sooner or later the will come out in song or poetry or something.... it's the only way I can really express myself. Until that happens, I could sit here all day typing out paragraphs and paragraphs of stuff that will be so easily dismissed (and probably rightly so!), it's just a waste of time. I know I'm in too deep, I know my priorities are messed up, but hey.... look at my username! Everything I have ever done in life, I have gone about it the wrong way. That's not supposed to make me sound like some sort of hero, more.... an idiot. But in trying to make things work between me and her.... that is something I am definitely NOT going to do the wrong way. And if that means throwing everything else by the wayside, so be it. Nothing anybody says is going to change my mind. You may be right, but try telling that to whatever it is that's driving me on. So please.... can we stop debating whether or not I should be doing this? Thanks a lot for trying and all.... but it's just a waste of time. All I really want is advice, how to make this work, that's all. Thanks anyway. edit.... about the whole family thing.... it's nothing. I've got a great family. The only reason I would leave is because I hate this place and I suck at school. And maybe.... if I progress with this whole situation, that would be another reason to leave. But right now that doesn't apply. The whole running away thing and the whole me hating this town thing.... not so important for me right now, but if I ever need to talk about it I'll no where to come!
alphamale Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 All I really want is advice, how to make this work, that's all. Thanks anyway. I think what we're all trying to tell you is that at this particular point in time and with this particular situation you cannot make it work...
basscatcher Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 My gosh as I read this I thought to myself; "You could be my son in this forum." Do you know what I felt? (from a mother perspective with a son your age.) (as you read this think of your mother thinking this:) I felt like: my son is so lonely and desperate to have someone shower him with acceptance, affection and love; from the opposite sex that is. What is lacking in his life so much that he feels this deep need to reach out to this female so far away? Is he so lonely and does he feel so abandoned by his peers? Why does he feel so strongly about someone he has never met and hasn't seen? Why does he want to grow up so fast? I was also able to place myself back when I was 16-17. I was in a hurry to get married, have 5 children, live in a nice house with a picked fence. I wanted a garden and a outdoor clothesline. I wanted to stay home and raise our family and cook and clean. Go to neighborhood womens social tea.. IT IS CALLED 'CINDERELLA COMPLEX', Now I felt the spin from you that you are not seeing reality.. You should be thinking about sports, dating, meeting up at Starbucks for iced latte's with your friends. Going out to movies, eating frenchfries and drinking soda at the local bowling alley. You should really be thinking seriously about college. Your not that far away from it. I know to first feel all these intense feelings is overwhelming but you also need to realize your hormones are also in motion at your age still and to have a female in your life (even through the internet) it feels good and we want it, we want to be closer, we feel connected, accepted, wanted. I think if you told her your true feelings she would probably back off a bit from you. If she is involved with someone else and there are some problems and she isn't totally happy you are her escape from reality. She has a dream chatting with you. But in reality she has to live her life. You are her escape from her life and reality.. This is my opinion... Please don't be offended.
Author FUBARd Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Ack.... I'm not offended at all but still.... I don't see anything wrong with the way I'm feeling. Believe me, if it was wrong, I'd be the first to know. Unfortunately I'm pretty damn good at pointing out my own faults and shortcomings. So.... yeah. It's unusual for me to be doing something and be thinking, "hey, this feels right". Stupid, right? Well the only way I am going to find that out is by crashing and burning, nobody can tell me it's stupid and expect me to take their word for it and give up the one thing in my life I've ever been sure about. I'm not saying you're telling me it's stupid, I'm just saying that when a lot of you read what I have to say you probably do think it's stupid. Either way, it's not gonna stop me from seeing this through. I know none of you believe this could ever work out for me, but please forgive me if I do. I have never clicked so well with anybody, ever. It's not like I was so desperate for an amazing, romantic escape from ordinary life that I went after the first girl who acknowledged my presence. You may say I'm young, hormones racing, I don't know the first thing about love.... but I know what I feel everytime I'm talking to her, and it's something I've never felt before. It's like the feeling you get at the top of a roller-coaster, the very top, right after the last upward climb and right before the last fall.... that feeling of uncontrolable bubblyness and anticipation of what lies ahead. And it's a ****ing amazing feeling, one I am not ready to give up on just because some of you may doubt the authenticity of my love for her. I am going to see this through to the hopefully happy ending, and I am going to try my very best to make this work. Maybe there is no advice anybody can offer me after all. I'll just keep praying every night and every day for the guidance I need, that's the best advice anybody can have. Thanks to everybody who tried to help, thanks for your concern. I might post again here if I need to, if not, I'll let you all know when this works out. When, not if, when.
Recommended Posts