sunny_ Posted March 14 Posted March 14 My boyfriend and I are in a LDR and when I asked him how he’s been dealing with frustration from the lack of physical intimacy he said he watches porn from time to time aside from the videos we’ve made together to use during these months apart. Should I worry that he finds the girls on those videos more sexually attractive than me and maybe wants them instead? I know it might sound ridiculous but I have experienced cheating in my previous relationship and I have some PTSD from that. So far our relationship has been very healthy and he constantly says he loves me but I fear that since we won’t have sex for the next 5 months he might feel the need to search elsewhere for it. 1
BaileyB Posted March 14 Posted March 14 (edited) The NIH reports that 90% of men have used porn in the past month. I hate to break it to you, but he may well be looking at porn even if you lived in the same household. 1 hour ago, sunny_ said: I fear that since we won’t have sex for the next 5 months he might feel the need to search elsewhere for it. Porn use and cheating are obviously very different things. There is no guarantee that any man will be faithful in any relationship. Unfortunately, you are seeking reassurances that no one can provide. There is risk in every relationship. All you can do is trust wisely, and if the anxiety becomes too much you may need to rethink whether this relationship works for you - if it becomes more than a short term thing. And know, whatever the future holds, you will be ok. Even if the worst happens, you will get thought it. Take care Edited March 14 by BaileyB 1
Gebidozo Posted March 15 Posted March 15 8 hours ago, sunny_ said: Should I worry that he finds the girls on those videos more sexually attractive than me and maybe wants them instead? You shouldn’t worry about that. There is no correlation between watching porn and a propensity to cheat. He is watching porn because he is probably very horny and this is an easy way to calm down and stop thinking about sex all the time. That doesn’t mean that he is actually attracted to those actresses, no more than crying over something that happens to a soap heroine would mean falling in love with her. 8 hours ago, sunny_ said: I fear that since we won’t have sex for the next 5 months he might feel the need to search elsewhere for it. If a man can’t bear 5 months without sex and will rather cheat that control himself and be faithful, he isn’t good relationship material anyway. You should trust him, unless there are some really suspicious signs. Watching porn isn’t one of them. On the contrary, if he watches porn, there is probably a higher chance that his sexual urges will be better controlled in real life. 1
Author sunny_ Posted March 15 Author Posted March 15 This calmed me down a lot.. it means the world to me reading these words that you wrote.. thank you so much!
Author sunny_ Posted March 15 Author Posted March 15 23 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: You shouldn’t worry about that. There is no correlation between watching porn and a propensity to cheat. He is watching porn because he is probably very horny and this is an easy way to calm down and stop thinking about sex all the time. That doesn’t mean that he is actually attracted to those actresses, no more than crying over something that happens to a soap heroine would mean falling in love with her. If a man can’t bear 5 months without sex and will rather cheat that control himself and be faithful, he isn’t good relationship material anyway. You should trust him, unless there are some really suspicious signs. Watching porn isn’t one of them. On the contrary, if he watches porn, there is probably a higher chance that his sexual urges will be better controlled in real life. This calmed me down a lot.. it means the world to me reading these words that you wrote.. thank you so much!
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15 Posted March 15 Do you trust him? 15 hours ago, sunny_ said: I fear that since we won’t have sex for the next 5 months he might feel the need to search elsewhere for it. Fair enough. And if he does, trust that he will come to you first to break it off before having sex with someone else. If you can't trust that he would be honest with you about this, well, you should not be dating him to begin with. 2
Els Posted March 15 Posted March 15 Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of most adults' lives, regardless of whether they are in a relationship or single. Why are you confusing masturbation with cheating? One involves an actual, real-life person, the other is a solo activity. Did you have a very religious upbringing? 1
Author sunny_ Posted March 16 Author Posted March 16 5 hours ago, Els said: Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of most adults' lives, regardless of whether they are in a relationship or single. Why are you confusing masturbation with cheating? One involves an actual, real-life person, the other is a solo activity. Did you have a very religious upbringing? Uhm no I haven't had a religious upbringing.. just a very abusive ex who preferred to masturbate to girls in porn rather than do it with me.. he would straight up reject me and go to the bathroom to do it on his own until he eventually ended up cheating on me.. I mean my current relationship is nothing like the one I had before but still I suppose I never fully healed from the feelings those behaviours caused.. 1
Author sunny_ Posted March 16 Author Posted March 16 18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Do you trust him? Fair enough. And if he does, trust that he will come to you first to break it off before having sex with someone else. If you can't trust that he would be honest with you about this, well, you should not be dating him to begin with. I do trust him like I can't think of a guy I would trust more... Yea I should take your advice and think that if he ever ends up losing feelings for me during these 5 months of LDR then he would be enough of a man to come up to me and tell me himself instead of being unfaithful
BaileyB Posted March 16 Posted March 16 2 hours ago, sunny_ said: just a very abusive ex who preferred to masturbate to girls in porn rather than do it with me.. he would straight up reject me and go to the bathroom to do it on his own until he eventually ended up cheating on me.. That’s not normal behavior though. I hope you know that. Most men would not treat a woman in this way. The issue here wasn’t the porn use, or the lack of intimacy, or the fact that he cheated - all of these behaviors are indicative or a lack of respect and consideration for you as a person and as his chosen partner. And when someone treats you disrespectfully in these ways, that’s your cue to leave. 1
justwhoiam Posted March 16 Posted March 16 Hi Sunny, The other members gave some good advice, but I’m not American, and even though I’m still part of Western culture, I don’t feel comfortable just normalizing porn because it’s the trend right now. I believe that intimacy in a relationship should help strengthen the bond between partners, not be outsourced to a third party. I agree with what others said about masturbation being a part of many people’s lives, especially for men, but when men watch porn, they’re really just using fantasy. Back in the day, they’d use magazines. So it’s more about the fantasy part, not the objectification of women’s bodies. Objectification doesn’t help create a healthy society with positive interaction between the sexes. To sum it up, everyone can do what they want. It's good he shared that with you. Personally, I’d want to be part of it, so it could be a shared experience. I'd want to be the one to inspire him, the one he fantasizes about. Luckily, that’s how it worked for me. I’m not suggesting anyone should be sending naked pictures online or show off naked. Men have a lot of imagination. Give him something to work with. You in different outfits, poses, moments, whatever feels comfortable—smart, casual, swimsuit, etc. That’s just my two cents. 1
Author sunny_ Posted March 16 Author Posted March 16 15 hours ago, BaileyB said: That’s not normal behavior though. I hope you know that. Most men would not treat a woman in this way. The issue here wasn’t the porn use, or the lack of intimacy, or the fact that he cheated - all of these behaviors are indicative or a lack of respect and consideration for you as a person and as his chosen partner. And when someone treats you disrespectfully in these ways, that’s your cue to leave. Yea absolutely I agree with you.. like I unfortunately only realized this later after I had ended the relationship (cheating being the primary reason why I did).. I should’ve left way before that though like when he would be showing off this lack of respect towards me Thankfully now I am in a better place mentally and with someone who respects me and knows my worth.. just sometimes (maybe due to the long distance between us) I worry that he might fall out of love, might grow distant, might grow the need to be physically intimate with someone else due to my absence.. but I should learn to trust him more and believe that he would never do that.. and if he does then it’s his loss not mine 2
Author sunny_ Posted March 16 Author Posted March 16 22 minutes ago, justwhoiam said: Hi Sunny, The other members gave some good advice, but I’m not American, and even though I’m still part of Western culture, I don’t feel comfortable just normalizing porn because it’s the trend right now. I believe that intimacy in a relationship should help strengthen the bond between partners, not be outsourced to a third party. I agree with what others said about masturbation being a part of many people’s lives, especially for men, but when men watch porn, they’re really just using fantasy. Back in the day, they’d use magazines. So it’s more about the fantasy part, not the objectification of women’s bodies. Objectification doesn’t help create a healthy society with positive interaction between the sexes. To sum it up, everyone can do what they want. It's good he shared that with you. Personally, I’d want to be part of it, so it could be a shared experience. I'd want to be the one to inspire him, the one he fantasizes about. Luckily, that’s how it worked for me. I’m not suggesting anyone should be sending naked pictures online or show off naked. Men have a lot of imagination. Give him something to work with. You in different outfits, poses, moments, whatever feels comfortable—smart, casual, swimsuit, etc. That’s just my two cents. Thank you for sharing your insights on this topic too! I agree with you that porn has become such a normalized thing these days and that it also sets unrealistic expectations for both sexes when it comes to their performance in the bedroom.. As for your suggestion I have tried it but I don’t know why I’ve always felt as if he isn’t really physically attracted to me.. might be my overthinking playing games with my mind bc why would he be dating me if he wasn’t no? So I just opted to never sending any pics anymore cuz I deep down knew he wouldn’t say anything or give me any reactions.. with previous partners it has worked but with him it’s kinda hard for me to decipher what he might be thinking or if he even enjoys them.. and I have asked him if he would want me to send him sth to yknow spice it up from time to time and he always replies with “yea sure go ahead” which to me it’s kinda like he’s saying yes to me sending him random memes on instagram idk 1
Gebidozo Posted March 17 Posted March 17 5 hours ago, sunny_ said: I have tried it but I don’t know why I’ve always felt as if he isn’t really physically attracted to me.. might be my overthinking playing games with my mind bc why would he be dating me if he wasn’t no? Feeling that your partner isn’t really physically attracted to you is a bad sign. Besides the porn issue and his lack of enthusiasm about your photos, is there anything else that makes you think he isn’t attracted to you enough? People date for all sorts of reasons. I was once married for 6 years to a woman I wasn’t truly attracted to physically. 1
Author sunny_ Posted March 18 Author Posted March 18 23 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Feeling that your partner isn’t really physically attracted to you is a bad sign. Besides the porn issue and his lack of enthusiasm about your photos, is there anything else that makes you think he isn’t attracted to you enough? People date for all sorts of reasons. I was once married for 6 years to a woman I wasn’t truly attracted to physically. He just treats me like a friend. Doesn’t look excited to talk to me. All we do is talk about work and what happened to us at work. When I try to talk about us he just shrugs it off saying “oh I have better stuff to worry about than us being long distance”.. idk I have been feeling unloved for some time now 1
Gebidozo Posted March 18 Posted March 18 32 minutes ago, sunny_ said: He just treats me like a friend. Doesn’t look excited to talk to me. All we do is talk about work and what happened to us at work. When I try to talk about us he just shrugs it off saying “oh I have better stuff to worry about than us being long distance”.. idk I have been feeling unloved for some time now But you said in your OP that the relationship has been healthy and that he constantly says he loves you. When you say he doesn’t look excited, do you mean when you meet face to face or over the phone / internet? You say you try to “talk about us”, what exactly do you mean? What are you trying to discuss that he doesn’t want to?
Author sunny_ Posted March 18 Author Posted March 18 15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: But you said in your OP that the relationship has been healthy and that he constantly says he loves you. When you say he doesn’t look excited, do you mean when you meet face to face or over the phone / internet? You say you try to “talk about us”, what exactly do you mean? What are you trying to discuss that he doesn’t want to? I mean it has been healthy in the way that he isn’t manipulating me like my ex did and that he is overall a good person.. he does say he loves me but only after I say it.. he never says it first or just randomly to let me know that he loves me We haven’t met face to face in almost two months since he lives in the US and I live in Europe and we’ve mostly been talking on FaceTime. He looks bored most of the time, or is always doing sth else, or usually he’s hanging out with his friends and on the phone with me which leaves us with no privacy tbh (like even rn as we’re speaking we had a fight about sth I said in front of his friends). When I try to talk about us is by discussing how our relationship is going, if we still feel the same about each other etc etc. That’s it I just wanna check in about how he feels about me cuz as I said to me it feels like he’s lost feelings or attraction.
Gebidozo Posted March 18 Posted March 18 3 hours ago, sunny_ said: he does say he loves me but only after I say it.. he never says it first or just randomly to let me know that he loves me People are different. Some people don’t like saying “ I love you”, that doesn’t mean they don’t feel love. Personally, I think that there is really no need to say “I love you” too many times. It’s an important thing to say for the first time, to state the fact of the feeling. It’s good to say in times of doubt, for extra emphasis and support maybe. Saying it too many times or just as a casual statement dilutes the meaning of the phrase. 3 hours ago, sunny_ said: He looks bored most of the time, or is always doing sth else, or usually he’s hanging out with his friends and on the phone with me which leaves us with no privacy tbh (like even rn as we’re speaking we had a fight about sth I said in front of his friends). I don’t understand the point of talking on the phone or online with your LDR partner when there are other people present. Obviously, privacy is essential for such conversations. In fact, I much prefer texting, since it leaves space to the other person to respond whenever they feel like it. Why don’t you call each other when your boyfriend is alone? Surely there is an opportunity for that at least once in a few days? 3 hours ago, sunny_ said: When I try to talk about us is by discussing how our relationship is going, if we still feel the same about each other etc etc. Why is there a need to discuss how your relationship is going? The relationship should speak for itself. I hope you don’t actually ask him whether he still feels the same. Asking your partner such questions is a sure way to annoy them, stress them out, and eventually lead to the very thing that you’re afraid of.
introverted1 Posted March 18 Posted March 18 10 hours ago, sunny_ said: We haven’t met face to face in almost two months since he lives in the US and I live in Europe Is there a plan to close the gap at some point? How old are you both?
Author sunny_ Posted March 18 Author Posted March 18 4 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Is there a plan to close the gap at some point? How old are you both? Well hopefully in September I will be moving to the US for work.. I’m 25 he’s 28
introverted1 Posted March 18 Posted March 18 21 minutes ago, sunny_ said: Well hopefully in September I will be moving to the US for work.. I’m 25 he’s 28 So when you say you will see him in 5 months (August) what is that date tied to? How firm are the plans for you to be in the US permanently in September?
Author sunny_ Posted March 18 Author Posted March 18 7 minutes ago, introverted1 said: So when you say you will see him in 5 months (August) what is that date tied to? How firm are the plans for you to be in the US permanently in September? Well that date would be tied to him coming home for his aunt’s wedding in August and we should be going there together but it’s not set yet due to his work schedule.. As for my plans to move to the US they’re pretty permanent because I got a job contract already in NYC and that is my big opportunity there to create my life there and hopefully with him too if the long distance ends up well
BaileyB Posted March 18 Posted March 18 (edited) 16 hours ago, sunny_ said: He just treats me like a friend. Doesn’t look excited to talk to me. All we do is talk about work and what happened to us at work. When I try to talk about us he just shrugs it off saying “oh I have better stuff to worry about than us being long distance”.. idk I have been feeling unloved for some time now If this is true, you need to reconsider this as a romantic relationship. I would want more than this from the man I am dating… The fact that you mostly talk about what happened at work that day sounds like a conversation that would happen between two acquaintances, much less two people who are in a romantic relationship. He sounds uninterested and not invested. Edited March 18 by BaileyB
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18 Posted March 18 I hate to say it, but he sounds bored of the relationship, yes. That doesn't mean he will cheat on you, but his interest really seems to be fading.
Author sunny_ Posted March 18 Author Posted March 18 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I hate to say it, but he sounds bored of the relationship, yes. That doesn't mean he will cheat on you, but his interest really seems to be fading. Yea unfortunately I see that too.. I know it’s my fault mostly bc I’m overthinking and questioning stuff all the time but that’s bc I see a lack of effort to communicate with me from his side so that makes my mind spiral
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