Redrock Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I'm in too deep with a married woman. Yes, I knew she was married when we met. Her: She's ten years my senior. It started as friends, then I did some work for her at her house. She's emotional, and since this has been going on, she's getting extremely attached. Me: I'm not traditionally a cheat, but I guess in this case I'm a cheatee. Currently, if I get approached by a women, I feel obligated not to pursue because of her. I've had good and bad relationships in my past, I've been cheated on, and I've cheated, so I know the feeling on both sides. This is the first time that I'm the "other guy". The Three of us: Except for the sneaking around, I enjoyed it tremendously. I've met the husband, but I heard he was unfaithful (she tells me, and since then, other people support that claim). They stopped having sex a couple years ago because of relationship issues. I really care for her, but I've also starting to like him (as a person, regardless of thier problems). In social situations when we are all there, I get a little on edge because I think he might suspect something, but I know he's clueless. And he genuinely likes me. We are similar in size, and he is generous in giving some of his clothes that he doesn't like anymore.(awkward!!) Problem 1 : I'm on the fence with what to do, what direction to take. Who do I consult? My parents are horrible role models (cheaters themselves) and we aren't close. My friends are proud of me when I tell them. Not to blame them, but I cannot go to any of them for advice. My current direction is "status quo". Problem 2: I'm more afraid that I may turn out like my dad, a non-emotional cheating machine. I don't feel remorse for what I've done, and I have deeper worries of not being able to feel any sense of meaningful love if its hasn't started off on the right foot (IE, not in an adulty situation). This scares me a little, because I know how my dad turned out. I'm all F-ed up. So come on, cheatees, how do these things end? Years of therapy?? A book deal? Really, by societies standards, I'm a excellent citizen, friend, and lover (if I wasn't in this situation, that is). Thanks...
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 You should copy and paste your post into the OW/OM section. You'll get more replies there. Usually this section is for 'betrayed spouses'. A place for them to come and vent when they find out their husbands/wives have cheated on them.
sylviaguardian Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I don't agree that you should just go to the OW/OM section - you will get opinions there that are identical to those of your friends only probably more feminine (i.e. you can't hlep it, people fall in love etc etc). Although at this moment you are not a cheatee - you are the OM, turning down offers of a real relationship to be with someone who is not free. Ask yourself this: If the marriage is so bad, they have no sex life and he has cheated on her, if she loves you, why has she not left? In this case, it would seen clear-cut. The marriage is dead, she loves you. If you spend any time on this site you will notice one thing: people who cheat are lying to everyone, not just their spouse. Many times it happens that when a wife and OW come together, the OW finds out many of the lies that the cheater has told her. That said, you ask how you can get out of this - whether you need self-help or whatever. That's like sitting at work in a rut asking whether you should read a book on how to work better, when the answer is just to start working! The answer, I'm afraid Red, is to take responsibility for yourself. You are in a situation you are uncomfortable with, yet you are the ONLY person who can get yourself out of that situation. Look yourself in the mirror and ask if you are happy with the person you have turned into. We can all blame our parents but only for so long. Sooner or later the buck stops at us. You are not a friend to this man. Sooner or later he will see you for what you are - probably the worst enemy that he has. If nothing else will deter you, think about the punch in the mouth he's going to give you when he finds out! Ok, I'm joking (partly). You don't need advice. You know what you have to do to be a person that you are proud of. Get yourself some new friends and start fathoming out what it is that scares you about a committed relationship. If all this fails and you want a sure way to end it, tell your married woman that you will no longer skulk around like an opportunistic dog and that you want the real deal or nothing. Nothing will end it sooner. Either you will end up with a working relationship or more likely, you will find that her stories should be taken with a pinch of salt and that all of a sudden she sees a lot more in her husband than she's told you. Good luck.
Recommended Posts