I am beyond devastated...

[newbby]

dw, i'm in a hurry and havent had time to completely read your last few posts, but something stuck out and i just wanted to say something.

 

MY exmm thought that i was unstable. i never ever called him, never showed up anywhere that he went, never even made eye contact if i saw him....

 

he will think anything is too much, because he is playing a dangerous game and trying to get away with it. this is what caused him the stress, because there was an aspect of his game that he had no control over. YOU.

[DepressedWaiting]

Newwby, I see exactly what you're saying.

 

But I really don't think it was a game he was playing... I mean stringing me along for as long as possible. He knew that would NOT be possible... he KNEW this. If he wasn't serious about divorce he would have cut me off a long time ago... that woud have been MUCH MUCH MUCH easier for him to do than put up with my h*ll even for a SECOND longer.

 

I really think I pushed him away... scared the h*ll out of him. He saw me drive by his street near his house three times that day before the warehouse incidence happened... so now he thought I WAS stalking him because I was driving right past his side street street where I could clearly see his house. I had NEVER done that before (driving by his street) but after that big fight I was really distrought and kept driving past his street to see if his car was in the driveway... if not there would be a good chance he'd be at the warehouse where I could talk to him and smooth things over.

 

So now he thinks I'm psycho and WAS stalking him. What a big mess. I was not stalking him... this all happened in one day and never before. So basically yes I did stalk him and harrass him for one day... I was having a breakdown.

 

In his mind I went psycho, turned on him, freaked him out and pushed him to the edge once and for all... so he I guess in his own mind found no other choice but to do the same to me and turned on me. He knew I was in pain... I guess he just didn't understand just how HORRIBLE this situation really was for me.

[newbby]

... having me around was not having his cake and eating it too.. it was H*LL for him.

 

actually, i should think it was a great boost to his ego to have a young woman, almost half his age, (probably very attractive) going crazy for him.

[newbby]

DW, who knows what was going on in his head?

there are some things you may just never know, but, in time you will certainly see things alot clearer than you can now.

one thing though, is to stop taking full responsibility for what happened. you feel rejected now, and are looking at yourself a little too harshly, to see why you were rejected. it is convenient for him to blame you entirely for what happened. it is one of the most frustrating things ever, for somebody to have a picture of you without seeing the part they played in your reaction to them. he will not take responsibility, and he would rather that you did.

try to stop looking at what you did wrong. it wasnt ever right. very few of these relationships are right.

i have heard only one success story out of hundreds here, and that was under less common circumstances.

yes you did lose control of your emotions, and nobody is suggesting that you didnt. what people are asking you to look at, is why you lost control. the reason is that you were trying to be comfortable in a situation that was not comfortable, you were not being true to yourself, and by this i mean that you were not doing the best thing for yourself by continuing to be involved with him.

[whichwayisup]

yes you did lose control of your emotions, and nobody is suggesting that you didnt. what people are asking you to look at, is why you lost control. the reason is that you were trying to be comfortable in a situation that was not comfortable, you were not being true to yourself, and by this i mean that you were not doing the best thing for yourself by continuing to be involved with him.

 

Agree, but honestly, he put her in that spot too. Told her things at the time he probably and most realistically couldn't follow through on. I'm sure at the time he meant every word, but the actions NOW just have shown that he is a big p*ssy and has no balls to come clean and tell what the truth his.

 

DW, he was saving his own hide, that is all. I'm sure once the dust settles, he WILL know (as he does right now but he isn't paying attention) inside his heart that HE has lied and not told the truth.

 

You sound better, keep that train of thought going! Hope today gets better as the day goes on.

[whichwayisup]

Another thing I'd like to add, treat this like a death. In a way that is what it is...The death of a relationship, something you've known and been comfy with for so long. You have to go through the 5 stages and it seems from your last post, the ANGER is coming...That is good!!! Please, keep it coming! The best thing you can do is continue to vent and get it out! Blaming yourself will not serve you any good. HE has to be blamed for so much of the outcome too!

[DepressedWaiting]

Thanks for all your resonses. Coming here has been VERY helpful. If it wasn't for you guys and me being able to come here and write about it and get your responses through this time I don't know what I would have done.

 

Just wanted to say I really appreciate it and thank you for taking the time to resond and help me. It was great help to me.

 

I wish I reached the anger point.. but not yet. I'm still very confused and blaming msyelf... just confused right now and still in shock still. It doesn't even feel like it's really the end... I'm in denial. Even though I do know it is the end of it... or I should say the end of him. I never thought I'd have to imagine my life without him in it, it's just so odd to me. Very odd and scary. Hopefully it will wear off soon

 

This was such a huge event in my life, it was horrible how it played out. NEVER in a million years did I ever imagine it would play out like it did.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome! I'm glad this place and all of us have helped you cope better.

 

And I can see in your words, the anger is waiting to come on out. It's there, and it will come out soon in FULL FORCE. Just have to ride out the stages of grief first and cry as much as you can.

 

One day you will look back at this situation and it won't raise your heart beat at all. No big deal. But, what you've learned is going to teach you ALOT. Will make you stronger, less tolerable to bullcrap and you will know what you want out of relationship with a single man. I know through this experience you won't ever allow yourself to get involved with another MM.

[DepressedWaiting]

You've got that right! Wow, that is a most definite NO. I would NEVER get involved with another MM ever... not even if he's seperated and not living with his wife... not even if he just very RECENTLY divorced.

[newbby]

you sound very self aware dw, i think you will get over this quicker than you think.

[newbby]

oh and no probs answering you, thats what the site is all about!

[whichwayisup]

Yup, I think so too. Once you realize how GOOD you feel, now that you don't have that daily emotional tug and stress in your life.

 

THAT, my dear, will be the day you see the light and know that you've had closure.

[A Guest]

DepressedWaiting,

 

Whew! I, too, was in a relationship with someone so toxic to me that I landed for a weekend in the hospital with a nervous disorder. This disorder was presenting on my face which made the doctors very, very afraid for me (possible brain damage). Fortunately, I didn't suffer the brain damage.

 

Once out of the hospital, I had only one choice. Divorce. It was that simple. I couldn't take a chance on damaging my health any more or dying. I had a wee one to bring up. I just couldn't take that chance.

 

I think you are correct in deducing that he feels you are toxic to him. I think, too, you are correct in your assessment that you are toxic to him.

 

Game over.

 

Your job now is to work on yourself and insure that this never happens again in a relationship with someone. Just as I had to realise that it was my reaction that landed me in the hospital. I had to work on myself so that neither myself nor my child was ever threatened in that way again.

 

DepressedWaiting you seem to be using this relationship to punish yourself. Why? I suspect this goes back to childhood issues. Only a competent therapist could help you answer that question.

 

I agree, too, that a relationship (or deep friendship) between a 30+ year-old family 'friend' and 19-year-old kid was inappropriate. For your sake, I wish someone had stepped in between you two. In any case, that didn't happen and you are where you are now. Not a good place. Not a good place at all.

 

The good news is that the only direction for you from here is up! Woohoo! Nothing but good to look forward too!

 

I wish you Godspeed in your healing and recovery from this. I am sure you will be a wonderful person and force to be reckoned with as a result.

 

Looking forward to hearing good things from you in the future.

[DepressedWaiting]

Guest,

 

Actually I'm not feeling any better... I'm feeling worse. The pain I'm in is just unbearable... it's excruciating. I aslo broke out with some strange white rash all over my body. I think I'm having some kind of reaction... I mean to this tramua.

 

I got out of the shower this afternoon and when I dried off I noticed the skin on my entire body is like white/ashey rash all over. It's very strange... I've NEVER seen anything like this happen to me before.

 

I can't believe this son of a b*tch did this to me and he didn't even realize what this situation was doing to me and he has the BALLS or idiotcity to think I'm unstable... of course I was unstable. That piece of sh*t makes me sick.

 

I literally can't eat, I'm in so much pain it's like I've been kicked in the stomach and my mind keeps replaying everything over and over again. It's all I can think about

 

This is horrible

[whichwayisup]

This will come and hit you in waves...Having moments or even afew hours of feeling alot better, then BOOM, all of sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks. Just like any awful trauma, roll with the punches. It's hard and I'm sorry that you're on this rollercoaster ride...

 

Talk to your Dr, make an appt, get that rash checked out and ask for a referral to counsellor/therapist.

[DepressedWaiting]

I think what I'm experiencing is a nervous breakdown. I was just reading about symptoms of a nervous breakdown online and how serious it can be.

 

I see that this skin rash I have (which also which burns just very slightly) is a symptom of a nervous breakdown and that nervous breakdowns are caused by stress and tramua... I think this whole past week... on friday... I was in the stages of a nervous breakdown.

 

If I get any worse tomorrow I'm going to get help. I can't believe how much this affair affected me and screwed me up. All over a selfish man who turned out to be a creep. 13 years of friendship down the drain along with my health I'm starting to see

 

I'm so exhausted, going to go to bed.

[lifeline]

DW, you need help, you really do. Please don't wait to see if you get any worse.

 

When I got divorced, all I could think about was my ex-husband. I was completely obsessed and barely functional. I began seeing a therapist and she helped a great deal. I don't know how I would have gotten through it without her.

 

Be good to yourself--make the call tomorrow morning.

[newbby]

dw, i dont think you are having a nervous breakdown (you wouldnt be able to function, neither would you know it), but you are in a state of extreme anxiety. however, unless stopped and checked these things can certainly escalate. if you cannot stop yourself from obsessing, and you cannot do things that calm, like yoga, then perhaps seeing a counsellor is a good idea.

certainly go to your doctor about the rash and tell them about the recent stress.

[Sami_D]

 

Here is what I'm having EXTREME difficulties with. I KNOW that I 100% pushed him away... I know 100% that NOW he REALLY thinks I'm an unstable person who cannot control their emotions and that I need "help" or to see a therapist. He 100% FEARS me now and thinks we are NOT compatible because of this and that I detroyed our relationship. My behavior towards him this past week WAS psycho and completely out of control. If anyone saw how I was... they would also think the same. I scared the heck out of him, this was the last straw for him. I DID harrass him on friday when I had a nervouse breakdown. He 100% does NOT realize I was like this ONLY because of the situation... it just went on too long adn was making me worse and worse. He 100% thinks that regardless of this situation... it was WRONG the way I reacted towards him constantly.

 

Last week on wednesday he came over... I proceeded to interrogate the HECK out of him for 3 hours NONSTOP his entire visit. He become so distrought from all the interrgoation he had to cup his ears with his hands and started shaking... begging me to please stop. That when I am treating like this he just locks up... has panic attacks... and that I am accomplishing nothing excpet for destroying our relationship. He left so distrough that day he had to cancel his meeting with his client and take his anxiety medication.

 

The very next day he called me very upset about what transpired and they way I gave him complete h*ll. He wanted to come over and calm me down and comfort me but made me PROMISE him that I would take it easy on him and NOT ask any questions and NO interrogation because he cannot handle another round of what happened the day before. He was already dealing with a major problem at work and was way to stressed to be able to handle another fight with me for hours. So I promised him I would take it easy on him... he asked if I was sure I would remain calm... I PROMISED him that yes I would take it easy. He then thanks me for undertsanding and promising to take it easy on him...

 

So he comes over and after about an hour into the visit as he's holding me on the couch laying down with me... even though I PROMISED him I would take it easy and not interrogate him that day I start asking him questions anyway. He then gets VERY upset and VERY hurt... that why on earth would I promise to NOT interrogate him and then break my trust and do it anyway... he told me before he came over he CANNOT deal with this interrogation that day because he was already very stressed out over a business client problem and asked me nicely to PLEASE let it rest for once for at least one day. But I didn't let it rest... it escalated into a huge fight because he refused to answer a sinlge question I had. He already answered all my questions the day before... and here I am the very next day when I PROMISED him that I would NOt interrogate him... and what did I do? I went back on my word interrgoated the heck out of him... hebrefused to answer a sinlge question I had... he got EXTREMELY upset.

 

I mean he was FURIOUS with me (never saw him this mad before) and he was VERY hurt... that I broke my trust.. that I am relentless and ruining the relationship... that I can't treat somebody like this and expect them to ever want to be with me and that I need to get a hold of msyelf. This escalated into a HUGE fight... he then told me it's over... that he's done with me and that I'm hopeless and that he should have known better.

 

...So I'm blaming msyelf, what if I hadn't gone psycho and had a breakdown... I still feel deep down he would have filed for divorce. This is what is making this situation EXTREMELY difficult for me right now to deal with.

 

Let's say I had stayed calm, did not go psycho him and did not push him over the edge and did not SCARE him to death making him fear this is who I really am... let's say I had listended to his promise that he told me... his promise that he would file for divorce in two months because he cannot live without me and that I had waited two months. And that at the end of the two months he had FAILED me and FAILED to file.... if it had happended THIS way... I would be able to get over it a MILLION times easier. Because then I would know 100%... and I mean 100% that I am NOT to blame.

 

NOW... I think I am to blame. I am HATING myself. You guys... don't you see... he's right... I DID go psycho on him (my behavior WAS immature and out of control)...and with each episode it was really changing the way he feels about me. I made him nervous... freaked him out... he had a breakdown and felt no chice but to turn on me and lose me.

 

I pushed him over the edge. Pushed him away. Destroyed the relationsip and I hate myself for not waiting two months to see if he would fail me or not... I NEVER gave him a chance. I never really did. He never failed me not even once yet in regards to filing for divorce beyond his set deadline... I ruined everything before I gave him a chance to prove me wrong and file for divorce before his deadline... which was two months.

 

 

DW I understand what you're saying, completely. But you need to look at this again. I've highlighted a few things in your post and if you read it through again you can see that it's all about you blaming yourself, and nothing very much about HIS responsibility in this.

 

Why were you having to wait another two months? This has been going on long enough. As I said in an earlier post, deep down you suspected that he wasn't following through on what he was claiming... afraid of disappointment, fearful that he was stringing you along. (that alone is a positive... your gut was spot on, though you still don't believe that).

 

Now, IF he'd have been honest and open with you, IF he'd have kept you properly informed, IF he'd have treated you like an adult, his future partner... you'd not have got into this state. It was an escalation of fear on your side fuelled by his (somewhat) furtive or evasive nature. A grown man having an adult relationship with someone, and with nothing to hide (whatever his nervous state - and someone has already pointed out WHY he's been suffering with his nerves, all this lying!) doesn't try to prohibit conversational topics, or lie there with his hands over his ears. Or get furious because you didn't avoid subjects he found difficult to answer. He deals with the difficulties HE'S created in his own life in capable manner.

 

But you were RIGHT to be suspicious, to keep questioning him. OK, you went WAY over the top... but as you say - that was because of HIS avoidance of you, and his weakness. You were desperate... and he was giving you nothing, trying to control what you said. Very bad situation. But he puts ALL the blame for that on YOU. Nasty. But then what could he do..? He knew he was going to fall short of your expectations... and that's why he continued to avoid your questions, to beg you not to ask him anything. Otherwise what could have been simpler than having a conversation with you about what he was about to do..? Even asking for your input!

 

I'm not going to pull apart your reactions to him, or try to look for reasons in your life why they might be. Because those are things you'll fix eventually. Yes, your reactions to him DID result in what happened on that one day that it all ended. But that's not the point... That's not what you need to focus on. And if you'd have acted differently you still wouldn't have had a perfect relationship with him. THAT is what matters. He's not worthy of you. He's childish, selfish, duplicitous, controlling (or he'd like to be!), spineless, and looks like heartless and blaming... and never, ever forget him letting his wife attack you and call the police while he let you lie on the floor and denied having any real involvement with you.

 

How could you possibly have trusted him to support you in life?

 

Yes, you need to work on you. And you know that. But his behaviour was crazy-making. The real mistake you made was buying into his influence in the first place. But you were young. (He did a good job in that respect, the toad). I don't think he was consciously intending you harm, but the two of you are not good together (understatement)... you need someone with good, positive personal attributes... and he doesn't seem to have ANY.

 

This time I have read to the end of the thread before I replied, and I notice that the rest of your posts are more positively against further involvement with him. I hope you are able to stick to that, because I can't see him being a good influence in your life.

 

In the short term I would get to your doctor for a check up, and to see if there is emergency counselling available. Don't underplay how bad you're feeling - make sure s/he understands you've had a terrible shock. Try to eat and sleep. Don't worry about venting and posting, even if it seems you're going in circles for a while.

[newbby]

Agree, but honestly, he put her in that spot too. Told her things at the time he probably and most realistically couldn't follow through on. I'm sure at the time he meant every word, but the actions NOW just have shown that he is a big p*ssy and has no balls to come clean and tell what the truth his.

 

 

yes, you are right, he did put her in that spot. i wasnt suggesting that he didnt. i think he lied his way into a relationship with her, and continued to lie throughout. what i was pointing out is that she felt so bad and out of control because somewhere without being conscious of it, she must have known that he was not being 100% with her. when we feel the most uncomfortable is when we are not listening to our instincts, we all do it. we try to rationalise things with our minds or follow our emotions, thinking that they must be the best guide.

 

dw, you really need to GET CALM. without drugs if possible. the more you keep obsessing the more you are allowing your mind control of you again, this is what led you wrong in the first place.

[DepressedWaiting]

Sami D,

 

Thanks for your lengthy response. You know when you wrote:

 

"Now, IF he'd have been honest and open with you, IF he'd have kept you properly informed, IF he'd have treated you like an adult, his future partner... you'd not have got into this state. It was an escalation of fear on your side fuelled by his (somewhat) furtive or evasive nature."

 

Newbby, you also wrote the same, this is EXACTLY how I felt. The above paragraph sums it up perfectly.

 

You are EXACTLY right. He did a p*ss poor job of convincing me that he would not fail me. My problem the whole past months have been that he did not reassure me enough... since he did not reassure me enough I started thinking maybe he isn't capable or reassuring me because he isn't sure himself! So I started trying to convince myself regardless and driving myself crazy in the process FORCING myself to believe something which deep down in my gut I didn't really believe because of his lack of reassure... or I should say his LACK of ability to set a strict deadline to file for divorce. I NEEDED to hear a deadline, I NEEDED to know that in less than 3 months he would file and not waste anymore time.

 

He did a GREAT job of reassuring me that he would 100% divorce... but VERY poor job of WHEN? I didn;t care if he was going to divorce or not... I NEEDED to know WHEN he was going to file. This he did VERY poor job... he'd always say he didn't know and finally spit out less than 3 months when he cracked under my pressure.

 

He did tell me that he is 100% POSITIVE he is going to go through with divorce but he doesn't exactly know "when"... if he's serious he should know WHEN he's going to file. So after 3 hours of interrgoation he FINALY said give him less than 3 months and he would file within that time (that less than 3 months is a safe timeframe). But why did it take 3 hours of interrgoation to finally get that timeframe for the very first time? That's not very convincing.

 

I do feel better this morning though than I did yesterday and last night and that rash looks like it's clearing up.

 

Do you know what hurts the most out of all this? What hurts more than ANYTHING is that he REALLY 100% thinks that I am just an unstable person who is now crazy who caused this and ruined everything. It hurts more than anything that he cannot acknowledge and REALIZE how horrible this situation really was for me. The distrought unstable person he was dealing with throughtout this was NOT the real me. And since he knew me when I was younger he used to see me and my other argue and get into spats. So he then tells me... I've always been unstable... not even my mother could control me. That this steams way back to then. He is so far off base I can't even respond to that. I was just a normal teenager with a big mouth, I never smoked, drank, did any drugs or anything. I don't have any mental illness... I was just a teenager! Spolied brat.

 

I'm going to go to a therapist for help... I looked in the phone book but there really aren't that many. I hope they are good. My story is so long and confusing and such a huge mess... I don't even know where to start explaining it to a therpaist so she really understands.

[DepressedWaiting]

You know what else he thought and told me is that if the situation REALLY was that horribe for me and really was making me the unstable out of control person I was and it was that AWFUL for me then I would have been women enough to simply walked away and end it with him.

 

He doesn't understand that I was trapped... I was holding onto hope that he would not fail me... this made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to end it with him. If I could have walked away I would have! I tried to explain this to him... but to no avail. I guess that's why they call it the "other women" trap.

[blind_otter]

You have to acknowledge that you both did things you could have and should have chosen not to do. I've lied to myself in abusive relationships many times before, saying that I was trapped -- it was me who trapped myself. In recovery I can admit that to myself, now.

 

And I've also had nervous breakdowns. I've had 3 in my life. It is a crippling experience please get help now. It took me 6 months to get back to normal after my last breakdown, I couldn't work or take care of myself for many many months.

 

There should be some kind of crisis center in your area, unless you are relatively rural...call 1800suicide and they can connect you to the crisis center in your area. They usually provide no or low-cost counselling for short term crisises.

[newbby]

Do you know what hurts the most out of all this? What hurts more than ANYTHING is that he REALLY 100% thinks that I am just an unstable person who is now crazy who caused this and ruined everything. It hurts more than anything that he cannot acknowledge and REALIZE how horrible this situation really was for me. The distrought unstable person he was dealing with throughtout this was NOT the real me. And since he knew me when I was younger he used to see me and my other argue and get into spats. So he then tells me... I've always been unstable... not even my mother could control me. That this steams way back to then. He is so far off base I can't even respond to that. I was just a normal teenager with a big mouth, I never smoked, drank, did any drugs or anything. I don't have any mental illness... I was just a teenager! Spolied brat.

 

ugh! i know this feeling.

my exmm, almost RAN from me if he saw me coming. or he would nip down an alley etc or go a long route if he saw me. if i saw him in his car he would swerve to the other side of the road, i'm not joking. and i really didnt shout or question him when he lied, just would cut him off after insulting him.

 

the thing that they fear is repercussions, its a guilt thing.

 

they cant handle anything on top of the guilt so they freak out at everything. this makes them start ignoring you, which makes you start getting frantic. they dont realise that you are only being frantic because they are treating you as though you are unstable and have no right to 'pester' them, when you want to know a truth or an answer of what the relationship REALLY is to them. this is because they cannot see outside of THEMSELVES and what they are going through.

[newbby]

You know what else he thought and told me is that if the situation REALLY was that horribe for me and really was making me the unstable out of control person I was and it was that AWFUL for me then I would have been women enough to simply walked away and end it with him.

 

 

whilst this is true, he is not taking into account that the situation he was presenting to you, and the actual situation were two different things. this is WHY you were freaking out, because he was lying. it is quite another thing, if he said to you, "i am going to stay with my wife and certainly if the s*** hits the fan and she finds out i will be lying to her and telling her that you are a nutjob who i never even slept with", and THEN you dont walk away.