I am beyond devastated...

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes, sorry I have been reading all the posts and listening... it just helps me to get whatever out in writing. Sorry if I've been repeating everything... my mind is still racing.

 

I still feel like I pushed him over the edge for the last time and that this was my fault... I mean you guys see how serious it is and how much I was effecting him? He got hospitalized because of me. Obviously what I was doing to him was REALLY affecting him in a huge way and also jeopardizing his health. In his opinion this was his proff that I am "unstable"... and someone he cannot be with and he had no choice but to end it and lose me. I'm beating myself up over this thinking it really is my fault.

 

At the warehouse he was so upset that he just spent thousands on his attorney and that I screwed him over and myself.

 

Actually I've known him since I was 13... I'm 26 in just two months. There is NOTHING creepy or odd going on with that at all. He knew me back then... but we only became very close friends when I was around 19.

 

I would NEVER kill myself... ever. I'm not a suicidal person whatsoever. What I would do however is become so incredibly depressed I cannot function... so much pain. But never suicide. I don't believe in taking medication for this issue because medication will not solve the problem. I think americans jump too quickly on meds. I'm not despressed... I'm in so much pain it's unbearable which of course will lead to depression. It's just so bad I can't place it into words.

 

Sorry you guys are going to get fed up with me here, I keep replaying in my head over and over again how he was going to file for divorce, that I was going to be very happy... that he's doing this for "us"... to please bare with him for two months and he is going to file for divorce without a doubt... he told me this last week... but then a couple days later I went balistic and he had a nervous breakdown. Told me it was my doing and I have nobody to blame but msyelf and I was slowly destroying the relationship and how could he possibly ever be with someone like me whose unstable and that he has no choice but to end it with me permanently especially after landing him in the hosptial. That was the end.

 

I'm dreading being alone tonight... during the day is easier... but the evenings are brutal. I wish I had some man who could just hold me at night and comfort me. I need comforting so badly right now. I feel so abandoned... just don't understand how he could do this to me. Well, actually I can if I look at his point of view and how he really felt about my reactions towards him.

 

But still... to screw me over like that in front of his wife... that is just something that is unforgivable. NOBODY who really cares about me would EVER do something that horrible to me. He was already so furious at me when I showed up at the warehouse... I'm a FOOL for ever going there.

 

I was so desperate to smooth things over from our fight we had a few days ago.

[DepressedWaiting]

But this girl I know who I called last night in a panic who came over to my house last night for a few hours to talk to me and comfort me... she asked me if I wanted to go on a trip with her in March to maybe the Bahamas or something. So I think this will be good... this trip will help me get out.

 

Gosh, I'm DREADING night fall. I wish daylight would stay.

[newbby]

see you have loving friends and things to look forward to.

well, i think your behaviour certainly made him nervous, i doubt he was expecting that. itis good that you are looking at your own behaviour in this and probably learning that it might be better to be less dramatic.

at the end of the day though, it was his double life that gave him the mini breakdown.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Back in November, you wrote

 

I spoke to his wife on the phone and she wasn't upset with me at all. She said she knew he was cheating... he had never done it before... only with me she said but that she takes her marriage vows seriously and puts up with it from her husband.

 

His wife was actually comforting me. I mean his wife found out six months ago and I just filled her in on all the details and told her that her husband was just over at my house having sex with me two weeks ago and telling me how much he loves me and how he was going to divorce.

 

It sounds like a lot has changed since then. This post here says

 

She started screaming at me and called the police on me... she even attacked me and wripped my shirt. I fell to the floor crying begging my MM to stand up for me and admit the truth. My MM screwed me over... he didn't even try to stop his wife. MM even denied ever having sex with me! He denied EVERYTHING and sided with his wife. He twisted things around and made it look like I'm crazy and stalking him.

 

Is she now trying to make it look like she never spoke with you about the nature of the affair?

[DepressedWaiting]

She didn't really know about the affir when I spoke to her on the phone a month and a half ago. She psyched me out on the phone... was extremely calm. When she hung up... MM got major h*ll for hours.

 

And turns out his wife didn't believe me when I was telling her about the affair... well she did... but then again wh knows. I'm sure MM managed to convince her it's not true.

 

Back then his wife did not think I was crazy... BUT... this past friday while MM was in hospital she accidentally got the 25 voicemails I left on his cell phone in a row and my 50 something calls. That of course would make her think I'm CRAZY and stalking and harrasing her husband. So this made things change in her mind and go balistic on me thinking I'm crazy and stalking her husband.

 

Whenever me a MM would get into a fight I would call him repeatedly on the phone... he would do the same thing to me. But a couple of dasy later... he would always be fine and cool down. See.... now by me doing this and his wife having his cell by accident... this looks VERY bad. Of course she's going to think I'm stalking her husband and crazy. I would think the same thing if I were her.

 

MM was furious with me already over this last fight we had because it landed him in the hospital... so he was already VERY unsure of me... in his mind he took the opportunity when he found out his wife got my voicemails to go along with it and screw me over make it look like I'm crazy and stalking him.

 

I had done this idiotic phone repeated dialing MANY times in the past. This isn't what he was upset about... it was just the last straw... the fight we had and the hospital breakdown and the voicemails she got by accident. He couldn't take me anymore. In his mind.. I screwed everything up. What man would want to be with me if he really thinks this is who I am?

 

Certainly not him. It's not who I really am... but boy did I manage to convince him that I am.

 

It wasn't ALWAYS complete h*ll and we really did enjoy being with each other so much... just that in between there was so much turmoil over the situation. I scared him away... I mean I really did. When I put myself in his shoes... I can see his point... I really can. I destroyed our relationship.

 

He didn't dump me the first time I told his wife... he stuck by me then. But now after this... it was the last straw. He had a breakdown.

[Owl]

OK...so did you know that he was lying to his wife back then about his relationship with you?

 

It seems to me that you would have HAD to have realized that he's been lying to his wife about you this entire time...I just can't imagine how else this would have worked.

 

Knowing that...what would be the surprise or shock that he lied again at the warehouse? Of COURSE he's going to deny everything...because otherwise he would have had to admit (both in public and to his wife) that he'd been lying all of this time. He had the choice of either publically admitting that he's been carrying on an affair with someone half his age this whole time...or denying and making you look like a crazy woman. Not much surprise that he went the way he did if you look at it from this angle.

 

And again...he's been lying so long about this, he's caught in his own lies. Do you really honestly think his wife's going to believe everything he's said after this? Now he's got to work on rebuilding ONE of these two relationships...and it appears that the one he's chosen to work on is his marriage.

 

It sucks...but again, there really wasn't any other likely outcome to all of this from the very beginning.

 

As far as dealing with tonite...go find a gym and sign up for a membership. It's the best thing I can think of for you...the physical excercise will help you deal with the stress a lot. See if you can dig up any female friends to do something with...go catch a funny movie or something. Make plans for tomorrow night too...the trick is this...DO SOMETHING.

[DepressedWaiting]

Owl, I know he denied it the first time. He told me he did. He has bad anxiety... so if I were in his shoes I would have denied it then also. He wanted to file for divorce... get the divorce papaers to her... this takes two months as his attorney had him dealing with an issue first which ahd to be taken care of BEFORE filing.

 

So why would he admit to having an affair and go through two months of unnecessary h*ll. Because he cannot leave the house once he files for divorce... she cannot leave either. When you file for divorce it's a huge mistake to leave the house. This is the first thing an attorney will tell you.

 

BUT.. I would have NEVER denied it yesterday at the warehouse like he did if I were in his shoes. That was unforgivable... because at that point his wife thought I was completely crazy and stalking her husband and that I LIED about him ever having sex with me... if he were decent at all and not scum... he would have NEVER allowed his wife to call the police on me and screw me over and deny everything at that point. That was just horrible. He could have told the police the truth to save me at that point... he did nothing.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, he has been caught in a lie and when they calm down, his wife WILL figure things out on her own. Don't you think she is going to wonder why you acted the way you did? He lied to her and said NO AFFAIR, NO OW...Well, I'm sure she is going to be curious and ask WHY you reacted the way you did. She isn't stupid. And he won't be able to lie his way out of it. In your situation, the actions showed alot and she saw it.

 

Good to hear that you will be going away in March. That will do you so much good!! And I agree with Owl, definately keep busy and active. Join a gym, a yoga group, anything to help your mind active and positive.

[DepressedWaiting]

whichwayisup,

 

But I don't think this is correct. You should have seen his wife. She really thought I was lying. She told me over and over again that she doesn't believe a word I say, that I'm crazy and to go find another MM to stalk. She kept scremaing at me that you're crazy... you're crazy. Look at you... you're crazy! I have the voicemails to prove it!

 

I couldn't even send her the tapes like I promised to give to her a month and a half ago because I detroyed those tapes a few weeks ago. So when she asked for the tapes yesterday and I told her I no longer have the tapes... she flipped saying how convenient that now suddenly I no longer have the tapes. You're a liar and crazy she screamed at me!

 

I mean, I called MM about 50 times that friday. Phone records prove it. Then she heard about 25 idiotic voicemails I left on his cell. I was crying on the voicemails... then leaving angry messages. The voicemails made me look CRAZY to his wife. His wife doesn't believe a word I said... she thinks I'm crazy. Her husband is off the hook thanks to my "outburst" on friday and her getting the cell voicemails. Also her husband went to the hospital... to her it looks like I'm some maniac. And I see her point.

 

I had the wav files of my conversation tapes of MM on my computer deleted... I'm trying to retreive it as evidence. I won't use it... but I want to see what tapes I can manage to restore if possible.

 

His wife said she believes her husband 100%, that he has never had sex with me. (He has had sex with me hundreds of times!)... and that I just became "infactuated" with him and started stalking him.

 

I want to try to restore those tapes as evidence. On those tapes it clearly PROVES he was having an affair and having sex with me. Wow, if his wife ONLY knew the REAL truth. All I can say is WOW. She has NO idea.

 

It hurts so bad that he could do this... have an affair with me for years.. and then manage to weasel his way out and off the hook. I gave him EVERYTHING and all the evidence he needed to be able to do it. I'm a fool.

[DepressedWaiting]

Gosh, I can imagine what his wife thought after she listend to just five of my voicemails... I left about 20 in a row! Can you imagine.

 

She saved the messages as evidence. She absolutely does NOT believe he was at my house last week on wednesday and thursday. He denied that too... said he was at the golf course and I'm lying. BS... he was at my house holding me for hours making promises. Then thursday... the big fight happened with me and him. Friday I was so distrought over the fight I slipped into panic mode... I was crying nonstop... left those foolish idiotic sounding voicemails... and wham... his wife got them. I'm such an idiot.

 

Anyone who hears those messages is going to be like... what on earth. I literally had a breakdown that friday....I had to pull my car over three times and almost got into a car accident twice. In fact I collided with a mail truck... thankfully no dents. It was the mail trucks fault though... she did a U-turn in the middle of the road without looking and I collided because she came out of nowhere. She jumped out and hugged me and apologized saying it was her fault. I was so lightheaded I almost fanited. So I'm in such a distrought condition trying to drive home... you can imagine how insane those voicemails must have been. Not good. I had a complete breakdown that friday.

[blind_otter]

I am sorry for what happened, but you know if you are reacting that badly to a relationship that SOMETHING has to be wrong. It's not cool to freak out that much over anything short of natural disaster, being the victim of a violent crime, a death in the family, or something on that level.

 

I think crisis counseling might be a good option, there are many low and no-cost counseling programs for people who are in crisis. The one in my area is connected to the county health department. Don't be ashamed of it - you are in need of the support and sympathy that perhaps only face to face interaction can offer.

[cygny]

I still feel like I pushed him over the edge for the last time and that this was my fault... I mean you guys see how serious it is and how much I was effecting him? He got hospitalized because of me. Obviously what I was doing to him was REALLY affecting him in a huge way and also jeopardizing his health. In his opinion this was his proff that I am "unstable"... and someone he cannot be with and he had no choice but to end it and lose me. I'm beating myself up over this thinking it really is my fault.

 

don't take this as me being judgmental because that is not how i mean it. we all make mistakes, BUT we all need to learn from our mistakes too.

 

yes you pushed him over the edge. you do look like a psycho. and you telling his wife in order to pressure him and then going to the warehouse...yes, i would call you a psycho too. you are completely out of control, emotionally.

 

you need to get a grip and stop beating yourself up. in a detached and calm and rational way, you need to realize that you have crossed some boundaries and that emotionally, you are unstable right now.

 

you need to take responsibility for your actions. not just the psycho ones but getting involved with a married man in the first place. most of this situation you find yourself in is your own fault. i'm not excusing the mm, but you have created your own mess. you need to learn from it and get stronger from it.

 

you are only 26. there are tons of other men out there. go find someone single and leave married guys alone. You should take alot of comfort in knowing that the relationship with this guy would never have really worked out anyway, so its been perfect from a learning point of view. He sounds very weak and way too old for you.

[cygny]

I want to try to restore those tapes as evidence. On those tapes it clearly PROVES he was having an affair and having sex with me.

 

 

why do you want to prove that you had an affair? let go, woman, it is over.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup,

 

But I don't think this is correct. You should have seen his wife. She really thought I was lying. She told me over and over again that she doesn't believe a word I say, that I'm crazy and to go find another MM to stalk. She kept scremaing at me that you're crazy... you're crazy. Look at you... you're crazy! I have the voicemails to prove it!

 

Trust me, when she calms down and the dust settles, her mind WILL wonder and she will ask him WHY you acted the way you did. People just don't do things without a good reason. Deep down she knows, but right now she is in complete denial. And...If she chooses to not see it, then that is her choice to live with, her choice to stay with a man who has constantly been lying to her. There isn't much you can do. Honestly, it's not worth YOUR effort to prove that the A happened. You know it did, he knows it did, and now it's over.

[Owl]

WWIU is dead on the money here, as usual (except when she calls me wise! )

 

His wife is deliberately refusing to allow herself to see what's going on here. It's a common response for some people. It's possible she could challenge him on this today...or tomorrow...or next year...or never. There's no way to tell.

 

Again, while it's completely hurtful and demeaning to you, I'm not surprised at all that he denied the affair, and denied you, when confronted publically like he was.

 

But at this point, you should recognize that it's OVER. There's not really anything more you can do at this point. And even if you could...could you EVER trust this man again after this? Seeing how he just bald face LIED to his wife...at your expense...to cover his own tracks? This says a LOT...

 

So...time to move on. Regrets? Of course. But...time to take care of DW. That's the best advice I've got for you at this point. Quit trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense.

[DepressedWaiting]

Someone from a private number just called my house... and hung up when I answered. I know this was his wife. She called me before form a private number last week and hung up on me before. I know this was his wife as the first time it happened last week when I got a call from a private number I picked up the phone but didn't answer... so she repeatedly said "hello, hello". I recognized her voice when she called me last week from a private number but I just waited until she hung up and didn't say anything into the phone. Why would she call me on a private number and then hang up when I answer? I'm positive it was his wife again.

 

Anybody have any idea? It's so strange. Now I'm very nervous, I hope his wife isn't after me. My heart just started beating when I got this call just now and hung up on. Why would his wife do that?

[whichwayisup]

Do a *69 and see who called. If it keeps happening, then YOU call the police and get your phone tapped.

 

Try not to worry and don't just assume it's her or your exMM. Could be just a wrong number.

[cygny]

Someone from a private number just called my house... and hung up when I answered. I know this was his wife. She called me before form a private number last week and hung up on me before. I know this was his wife as the first time it happened last week when I got a call from a private number I picked up the phone but didn't answer... so she repeatedly said "hello, hello". I recognized her voice when she called me last week from a private number but I just waited until she hung up and didn't say anything into the phone. Why would she call me on a private number and then hang up when I answer? I'm positive it was his wife again.

 

Anybody have any idea? It's so strange. Now I'm very nervous, I hope his wife isn't after me. My heart just started beating when I got this call just now and hung up on. Why would his wife do that?

 

 

if it is her i would guess that mm is out of the house and she's wondering if he could be with you so is dialling your number to see if you are at home.

 

please try to distract yourself with other things. this really will drive you absolutely nuts, I am not joking.

[GiveAndTake]

If it is his wife, she probably just got his phone bill and is going through the calls.

 

I'm sure it's nothing. Don't give yourself something else to worry about.

[DepressedWaiting]

It's about 10 p.m right now. I can't make myself get to bed. I feel so horrible and so alone. I'm in so much pain. How long in general does it take for someone to get over something like this? Months an entire year? I'm very worried because I had gone NC with MM before for about 3 or 4 months and even after all that time I still felt awful... or actually worse as more time passed.

 

Evenings are brutal. I wish I had some man to hold me at night and comfort me right now. I don't know if that sounds silly or whatnot? I feel so abandoned and left out in the cold.

[whichwayisup]

This time it will be easier because it is final and completely over. Now it is just a case of you actually coping and dealing with the feelings, learning how to let go and move on. Ofcourse it will take time and I think a therapist could help you get there faster if you feel comfy talking to someone.

 

Knowing that you're free of all the emotional stress, no more rollercoaster ride and waiting...waiting...waiting...It should come as a relief! May not feel it right now or next week, but you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders.

 

Buy yourself some stuffed animals. I'm serious! And sleep with the TV on. I do that when my husband works overnight, I'm a scaredy cat in the overnight hours by myself in the house, and I don't like to sleep by myself, so the TV does help. Leave some lights on too.

 

Hope this helps.

[DepressedWaiting]

Thanks for the response. Yes, I actually do that myself... I mean the TV thing. The past month I keep the TV on the entire night... the sound is comforting and I don't feel so alone then.

 

I don't know why or what's wrong with me... I'm almost in denial that it's really over. I feel ashamed saying that. After what he did to me... it's horrible and I shouldn't feel that way whatsoever. He PROVED that he is scum. But I'm still blaming myself for it because of my psycho behavior this past week. That I caused this and pushed him away... scared the daylights out of him once and for all. Maybe soon hopefully I'll come to my senses.

 

I am seriously thinking of talking to a therapist.

[whichwayisup]

It will take a while for the heart and emotions to catch up with the mind. Even then, your mind is still reeling from what happened. Don't put ANY pressure on yourself right now. I'm sure in a week or two alot more will have sunk in and make more sense.

 

Just please, do yourself this one thing...DO not ever call or write him an email. If you feel that need, TYPE it out but do not address the email. Save it as a draft, then when you are ready, delete it.

 

I'm glad that you're thinking of talking to a Therapist.

[FriendsForLife]

Therapy is the greatest thing in getting over something like this a lot faster. Take care of yourself and the pain you're experiencing. Going after the outside sources of your hurt will only make things hurt more later. Taking care of your inner hurt and yourself right now will make you strong, confident and feel better.

[newbby]

It's about 10 p.m right now. I can't make myself get to bed. I feel so horrible and so alone. I'm in so much pain. How long in general does it take for someone to get over something like this? Months an entire year? I'm very worried because I had gone NC with MM before for about 3 or 4 months and even after all that time I still felt awful... or actually worse as more time passed.

 

it will be quicker this time because you have seen him lying with your own eyes. you have seen the level you both sunk to as a result of your relationship. if in doubt keep remembering the warehouse incident. after a couple of months nc you will be very much over it. its not long, and will ultimately benefit you. use the time well, think about self improvement, read books, make steps towards realising dreams etc.

 

Evenings are brutal. I wish I had some man to hold me at night and comfort me right now. I don't know if that sounds silly or whatnot? I feel so abandoned and left out in the cold.

 

you dont need a man to hold you, you just THINK you do. take early nights, light incense, have a warm bath first, and take some good self help books to bed with you. i wouldnt suggest television, too many positive ions.