I am beyond devastated...

[Astarte]

Helloouu !!! Listen to what we say and wake up !!!

You're repeating yourself over and over again, I know it's a ****ing pain you're going through, but don't let go too deep into the guilt-and-proof-attorney thing.

You will be OK !! Really.

[lovephreakout]

"He screwed me over and sided with his wife and left me out on the cold. He is scum."

 

ok so i dont know the whole situation... but HELLO the guy is married.. even if he wasnt i dont think he would appreciate you coming to his job and starting something... also your emotional outbursts have put him in the hospital??? i dont mean to be rude to you online or harsh.... but what happened should be a BIG wake up call for you....

 

stop messing around with married men and stop being a self centered relationship freak. you call him scum? arent you the home wrecker that was getting into fights with him and pressuring him to end his marriage? all in all i think what happened is for the better

[GiveAndTake]

This is PANIC.

 

Unable to concentrate. Panic makes the primary problem that put you in panic into a circle of thoughts on that subject.

 

 

People in Panic, cannot see outside that circle.

 

 

DepressedW, please read my post!

 

 

You have crossed the line from emotional to physical.

 

Even if he proposes on your doorstep right now, this pain you feel will NOT go away.

 

Your situation did cause this problem but resolution will not take it away now.

 

You've crossed the line into a PANIC ATTACK

 

 

Only medication can help you and you can and WILL feel better within minutes of taking it.

 

A regular Doctor can prescribe panic (anxiety) medication for you but only a weeks worth because it is a controlled substance. But it will be enough to get you out of this state you are in.

 

 

Everything will be CLEAR and OK if you do this.

[curly]

I haven't posted in a long time but I've been reading your situation. I truly feel your pain. I've been there myself many times. I've freaked out and chased my MM around. At one point, he did end things with me because he saw that I was driving myself crazy (& him in the process). I won't go into my story simply because it doesn't matter right now.

 

What matters is that you get some help, immediately. If you haven't seen a doctor or gone to the hospital, you need to. You desperately need to calm down. You are in true panic mode. I'm quite familiar with the feeling and I know you won't come down without some help. If it's not medication, then you at least need some company right now. It sounds like you're alone and feeling completely abandoned. This is a very destructive feeling. Please get some help right now.

 

On to some advice: I picked up on something you posted earlier -

 

"He told me this isn't who he really is and that he realizes this is ridiculous and that it has gone on way too long and that he IS making a change without a doubt but for me to please bare with him. "

 

He's telling you that this is not the way he is (presumably in this situation). Then he, of all people, should understand that this situation has thrown you so off balance, that you are acting completely contrary to who you are. Especially, if he's known you since you were young. He knows who you are and what type of personality you have. You just went off the deep end because his empty promises made you literally ill. I'm not saying that you are mentally ill, however, the stress of this situation has thrown your entire personality, identity, internal structure completely out of whack. You can not function like this. You need more than a half time lover/partner/boyfriend. You know it in your head & your heart.

 

Now, as for your age, please, please, please know that you are young. I know that does nothing to ease your pain right now. But you are young. You have many, many experiences in front of you, good & bad - hey, some may be worse than this. And you're ill - MS is not an easy disease to live with. You need to focus on you and your health immediately.

 

I'm going to suggest a book that has helped me some - "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". Can't remember the author, but find it. It's not very deep. It's simply a little guidance and some poems and anecdotes. Sort of like those Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Try it. It might help ease your pain some.

 

Back to MM - He may have had intentions to divorce, he may not have. Everything he said may have been a lie or maybe not. Think about the bottom line. When push came to shove (literally), he cut you out. He has made his choice. Not the one you wanted (I truly understand that pain), but he has made the choice. No, he may not be choosing the wife over you, he may just be choosing to not change his status quo. Either way, only he knows what's in his head & heart. But he has made it clear to you, he will not be choosing to love & protect you. Find some little comfort in the fact that the wondering is over. Yes, I know, it's a very painful realization. But you must try to clear the smoke & mirrors from your eyes. See the facts as they are. He is not going to be with you. Doesn't matter what he does after that. Leave wife or not.

 

I wish you all the best. I, and many others like us, know what you are going through. And we also know that the pain increases with time. You need to expect that and endure it. You will survive this. It will take a lot of time. But you will survive it. No one has ever died of a broken heart. Yes, some let their hearts die or wither on the vine, but that's their choice. You won't do that. You will survive and live to love another again. I can promise that. And it's not an empty promise either.

 

Good luck & get some help!

[BUTAFLY]

OK ...THIS MAKES SINCE NOW. out of curiosity, how old is he?

 

This man fed you lie on top of lie. You said he told his mother? did he tell you that or did the mother tell you that? the papers he waved in you face, were those really divorce papers or something else? how could he have denied you when you said in previous threads that he told his wife about you, left her and filed for divorce?

 

He created a fantacy world for the two of you to live in, fully taking advantage that you are infatuated with him, you keep saying he is your best friend, that he is all you have...you have no other friends. HE WAS YOUR LIFE! This made it easier for him because he new you trusted him. listen to all the lies he told you...these are your words from previous posts.......

 

"He does not want to be with his wife, he is doing this to be with me. He doesn't want to waste time... but he is making sure he does everything in the proper order (getting prepared) and consulting with his attorney."

 

*REALLY, is that why he made you out to be crazy stranger at the warehouse?*

 

"he going to sell his boat to purchase an apartment for his wife so she will be out of the house when he divorces her."

 

*I think he blamed that not happing on you too.*

 

DW, I can found dozens of lies he has fed 2 U on your previous threads. I been following your story and read all the excuses you made for him and falling for his stories. I have been through the same thing as well as others on here. We have been there and thats why its important for you to listen to us. I know its hard to think your reality over the past years have all been nothing more than LIES & FALSE PROMISE. The sooner you except this is how it all ends,the sooner you can start working on you. No more communicating with him, your never going to get a straight honest answer from a habitual sociopathic liar.

 

My experience was I spent soooo much time trying to figure out what was what and never getting anywhere. I finally stopped and started asking myself why I was so obsessed with him, with the situation, what was I hoping to find? when its all said and done will any answer he gave me change anything? NO! He is still with his wife....his life doesn't change.

[DepressedWaiting]

He didn't tell his wife and file for divorce. What happened was a month ago I told his wife everything on the phone... she didn't beliebe a word I said though. But he didn't cut me to the curb then. He has anixiety and didn't want more trouble then by admitting anything to his wife so he would have h*ll at home.

 

He did hire an attorney... I know this 100% for sure. He was very serious about divorce... then after our last fight he had a nervous breakdown... lierally had to be hospitalized. He wigged out... made his decision I'm hopeless and cut me to the curb.

 

I need to take a break from posting... I just need a break. This is all so new to me... I just need some time to sort things out in my mind so I can be ok hopefully

[DepressedWaiting]

The ONLY thing that is getting me through is that I keep telling myself that two years from now I won't have this pain anymore... or at least I hope I won't.

 

It's so difficult to imagine him not in my life anymore... it's just so weird. For 13 years I knew him like family and he was my best friend... it feels like someone died. I gave him way too much power over me and became too dependant on him.

[newbby]

i'm so sorry, i thought you were 21!!!

butafly, she is not 21.

[Craig]

Why is it that when an OW/OM encourages a MM/MW to break their commitment to their spouse that OW/OM are surprised when the MM/MW breaks commitments to the OW/OM?

 

What part of "if they'll do it to someone else, they'll do it to you" don't OM/OW get?

[newbby]

Back to MM - He may have had intentions to divorce, he may not have. Everything he said may have been a lie or maybe not. Think about the bottom line. When push came to shove (literally), he cut you out. He has made his choice. Not the one you wanted (I truly understand that pain), but he has made the choice. No, he may not be choosing the wife over you, he may just be choosing to not change his status quo. Either way, only he knows what's in his head & heart. But he has made it clear to you, he will not be choosing to love & protect you. Find some little comfort in the fact that the wondering is over. Yes, I know, it's a very painful realization. But you must try to clear the smoke & mirrors from your eyes. See the facts as they are. He is not going to be with you. Doesn't matter what he does after that. Leave wife or not.

 

 

this is a very good point.

it doesnt matter, if he was or wasnt going to get a divorce. what matters is what is happening RIGHT NOW. it is over. you first have to deal with that, without thinking about why and who's fault etc. just deal with what IS right NOW. when you are feeling stronger you may want to go over things again from a clearer perspective. you have to get healthy, that is first priority.

[newbby]

Why is it that when an OW/OM encourages a MM/MW to break their commitment to their spouse that OW/OM are surprised when the MM/MW breaks commitments to the OW/OM?

 

What part of "if they'll do it to someone else, they'll do it to you" don't OM/OW get?

 

whats the point craig? why bring this up now?

[Craig]

whats the point craig? why bring this up now?

The point is that if some people would acknowledge that they walked into a disaster waiting to happen with their eyes wide open then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when the inevitable happens. The OP hurts a lot right now but the hurt will pass. People saying things like she has done nothing wrong (or otherwise enabling and encouraging this kind of self deception) are not helping her to avoid pain like this in the future. The truth hurts sometimes but the truth is what will save her from hurting like this in the future.

[DepressedWaiting]

I've lost faith in men. To me it seems if they don't cheat with you they'll eventually cheat on you.

 

After all the things I've seen and heard through other females and all the distasters... it just seems men are cheating left and right. I wouldn't be surprised if I ever found someone they would do the same to me... it seems I'm screwed either way really.

[OldEurope]

Enough of this. The best advice that could be given to you is not, "Oh, you poor thing what a scum he was", but to turn that critical eye inward. You have got to take this opportunity--and all failures are opportunities when seized the right way--to take a cold hard look at your motivations, your insecurities, your unresolved personal problems, and your waffling esteem to ask yourself WHY you put up with this situation for so long (4 years has it been?) and WHY you allowed yourself such a self-loathing breakdown in front of him, his wife, the people at his company.

 

If this is how you regard your own sense of dignity, are you at all surprised this man would immediately want to distance himself from you? Did you ever ask yourself why he would want to marry you if you are so prone so such emotional extremes? Would you want to marry you?

 

As a former OW it is a bit galling when women with MM become so devastated that the relationship did not end as originally sought. We know we are taking huge risks. We know that these relationships follow a riskier pattern. We know that they can and do work out, we know that that is a small minority. There is a good reason, however, why social sympathies do not reside with us.

 

Also, to the poster named "Give and Take"---please do not come on here prescribing "medication" as a way for DW to get through her problems. As if jumping from one addiction to another helps anything. The US is a nation on painkillers and what not--and all the more miserable for it. Confront this hurt head on, bear it on like humanity must. Remember what Churchill said: "The only way to get out of Hell is through it"

[Craig]

I've lost faith in men. To me it seems if they don't cheat with you they'll eventually cheat on you.

 

After all the things I've seen and heard through other females and all the disasters... it just seems men are cheating left and right. I wouldn't be surprised if I ever found someone they would do the same to me... it seems I'm screwed either way really.

Hey, it's normal and natural to be feeling the pain you are feeling so don't beat yourself up for the choices you've made. You do have the opportunity to learn from them. Knowing what not to do is sometimes more important than knowing what to do.

 

Not all men are cheaters, I've never cheated and I've had lots of opportunities and offers from women that were aware I was in a relationship when they offered themselves to me.

 

Set different expectations, different standards, establish boundaries that you won't cross and that you won't allow others to cross around you and you'll find the right man for you. Persist in creating the kind of life you want, build your life on a foundation of honesty, respect and commitment and you'll have a much better experience. It won't all be roses because that isn't the way life is. Sometimes you think you've got the right person and then they go and surprise (shock) you but if you've been true to your values and standards what someone else does won't matter as much.

 

Best of luck.

[newbby]

Also, to the poster named "Give and Take"---please do not come on here prescribing "medication" as a way for DW to get through her problems. As if jumping from one addiction to another helps anything. The US is a nation on painkillers and what not--and all the more miserable for it. Confront this hurt head on, bear it on like humanity must. Remember what Churchill said: "The only way to get out of Hell is through it"

 

well said oe. nobody should be prescribing medication anyway. i also agree that people take medication far too easily. first of all you need to develop the tools mentally to deal with this.

[BUTAFLY]

are you reading any of this?

[BUTAFLY]

there are so many people who are here for you and giving good advice. It seems your just repeating yourself over and over and not reading the posts.

[OldEurope]

Thanks---And I am glad you agree about the medication route. Too easy, all cosmetic and no cure, in my book (and I doubt anyone else's).

 

Glad you decided to hang around, by the way. The more wisdom around here, the better!

[newbby]

The point is that if some people would acknowledge that they walked into a disaster waiting to happen with their eyes wide open then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much when the inevitable happens. The OP hurts a lot right now but the hurt will pass. People saying things like she has done nothing wrong (or otherwise enabling and encouraging this kind of self deception) are not helping her to avoid pain like this in the future. The truth hurts sometimes but the truth is what will save her from hurting like this in the future.

 

i suppose because i have faith that she will come to that realisation herself, once she gets past the initial hurt.

[newbby]

Thanks---And I am glad you agree about the medication route. Too easy, all cosmetic and no cure, in my book (and I doubt anyone else's).

 

Glad you decided to hang around, by the way. The more wisdom around here, the better!

 

thankyou very much o.e,

i think that when people rely on medication to get them through actual distressing events, they only dull the pain, which could serve as a useful learning aid. this is not to say that medication is never neccessary, in cases of depression, it is certainly wise to seek medical opinion.

[Owl]

I've lost faith in men. To me it seems if they don't cheat with you they'll eventually cheat on you.

 

Wonder if I should have reached that conclusion about all women, since my wife was the one who cheated on me??

 

OK...a little confused here. I know that you've said that your relationship with him was absolutely platonic until you were 22, and that nothing happened between you two until you were an adult.

 

But...you keep saying that he's been your best friend for 13 years. That means he's been your best friend since you were 11. Does that strike anyone else around here as just a wee out of norm? How many 11 year old girls have a best friend (or close friend, or anything more than a general acquaintance) with a man who would have been 33 at the time?

 

Not sure I'm tracking this correctly, but this just doesn't add up to me.

[GiveAndTake]

Let me start by saying, anxiety (which leads to panic attacks) is in my family.

 

I recognize the symptoms.

 

Mental Trauma is usually the cause of Panic (which is a phyisical condition)

 

The reason Depressed Cannot focus on ANYTHING anyone says and only repeats herself (which we are all in agreement) is what I recognize as a panic attack.

 

Now, when you are IN a panic attack, you should know that suicide is a HUGE option. The pain is unbareable. I am truely fearful for her.

 

Recommending her to a physician, (I didn't tell her take any pills she can find) I don't believe was bad advice.

 

If the doctor doesn't think she needs medication, then so be it. Surely none of you claim to know what's best for someone that quite possibly has a PHYSICAL condition at this point.

 

Once you've crossed over the line into panic, talking it out is an unlikely solution.

 

Just look at the title of her starting post. 'Beyond Devestated'. Are you sure you want to be responsible to help her without a professional?

[newbby]

Wonder if I should have reached that conclusion about all women, since my wife was the one who cheated on me??

 

OK...a little confused here. I know that you've said that your relationship with him was absolutely platonic until you were 22, and that nothing happened between you two until you were an adult.

 

But...you keep saying that he's been your best friend for 13 years. That means he's been your best friend since you were 11. Does that strike anyone else around here as just a wee out of norm? How many 11 year old girls have a best friend (or close friend, or anything more than a general acquaintance) with a man who would have been 33 at the time?

 

Not sure I'm tracking this correctly, but this just doesn't add up to me.

 

owl, she said that he was a family friend i think...not that they had been best friends for those entire 13 years. i think you are reading a little too much into that.

however, its still a little strange, though....

[newbby]

Let me start by saying, anxiety (which leads to panic attacks) is in my family.

 

I recognize the symptoms.

 

Mental Trauma is usually the cause of Panic (which is a phyisical condition)

 

The reason Depressed Cannot focus on ANYTHING anyone says and only repeats herself (which we are all in agreement) is what I recognize as a panic attack.

 

Now, when you are IN a panic attack, you should know that suicide is a HUGE option. The pain is unbareable. I am truely fearful for her.

 

Recommending her to a physician, (I didn't tell her take any pills she can find) I don't believe was bad advice.

 

If the doctor doesn't think she needs medication, then so be it. Surely none of you claim to know what's best for someone that quite possibly has a PHYSICAL condition at this point.

 

Once you've crossed over the line into panic, talking it out is an unlikely solution.

 

Just look at the title of her starting post. 'Beyond Devestated'. Are you sure you want to be responsible to help her without a professional?

 

she is certainly very upset. i dont think anybody is saying she should not seek professional advice if she feels the need. only that suggesting medication for heart break is a bit extreme. also, people dont realise their true strength when they go seeking medication too quickly. believe me as someone who has gone through 2 nervous breakdowns and long periods of psychosis without any medication or any friends or family around to support or even converse with. i am not saying i did the right thing, certainly i needed medical help for the 1st breakdown and could have avoided the next 1. however, it took 3 years of severe stress and panic to reach a point of actual breakdown, in very bad life conditions. this is not to say that everybodys breaking point is the same, or anybody is weaker or stronger than anyone else.

what i am saying, is that without really HAVING to survive, without actually HAVING to deal with that stuff, i would never have known my true strength, nor come to the realisations that i have.