mel777 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Okay, we all know that friends have a way of sometimes not telling you what you don't want to hear and I think this might be the case here. So, it would be great if you guys could give me your opinion. I've been dating a guy since November and he is in his last year of law school. So in addition to classes he is also working 30 hours a week during the day at a non profit law clinic and also works most evenings at a restaurant to pay the bills. Add to that the fact he is interviewing for jobs. I'm in my first year of law school as well, we go to different schools, so I've tried to be understanding but I keep hearing a voice in my head say "He's just not that into you." He doesn't make plans in advance the way I am used to and the way that many of us woman like You know at least by mid week for the weekend. It's not uncommon for him to mention doing something on Sunday at the beginning of the week but nothing gets solidified, ie the time or if indeed that time will work--until the night before or even the day of. Example below of what happened this weekend in our e-mail exchange---- He wrote on Thursday: I think Sunday evening I should be off by 5:00. Want to get together for dinner... there is only one hitch, I may have to go to Boston this weekend for a function for one of my college roommates but it may get postponed till next weekend too... hmmm, I will let you know as soon as I do, basically that means later today I guess. I wrote back--Sunday works for me, you can let me know when ever you find out. He called me Sunday at 12:00 to see if we were still on. Hello....he never told me if he had to go to Boston or not. I had made other plans so I told him I couldn't see him. He asked me out for Wed instead but once again...no set time. I'm ready to give him the boot :-), but i do like him and we have a lot in common. If he was really into me wouldn't he at least try and set aside a set time to see me at least a few days in advance, or should I keep telling myself it's a busy time for him right now and keep doing what I'm doing, taking it one day at a time.
slubberdegullion Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 He called me Sunday at 12:00 to see if we were still on. Hello....he never told me if he had to go to Boston or not. I had made other plans so I told him I couldn't see him. Lemme get this straight. You said that you were available on Sunday, but when he called to confirm, you had already made plans? If he was really into me wouldn't he at least try and set aside a set time to see me at least a few days in advance, or should I keep telling myself it's a busy time for him right now and keep doing what I'm doing, taking it one day at a time. You're probably not going to like this, but... Get over yourself. His world does not revolve around you, nor should it. Does he not have enough on his plate that he also has to worry about a clingy gf? Be the one thing in his life that is hassle-free.
agnf666 Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Welll he does seem to have a very busy schedule. So, that might be why he doesn't spend that much time with you. Since, he is planning the next time to go out that means he is totally into you. If he wasn't then he wouldn't be trying to reschedule sunday. I just think that he is super busy right now and has alot on his plate and he wants you to be on it with him but you have to understand that he is very busy.
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 do your part. before you tell him ok, why don't you ask for specifics? ie, when he says wednesday, say, what time were you thinking? don't say yes to plans that aren't firm. wait for a real offer before you put yourself on hold for him. if that doesn't work he's just one of those guys who doesn't plan ahead and will probably drive you nuts because you will always feel 'on hold'. it's not selfish for you to want some advance notice. you are in college and should be filling it with as much stuff as possible, not just waiting on this guy. he is busy and that is fine but if he's going to be a lawyer he has to be able to plan his time and not expect another person to be on hold at his convenience. but you have to assert yourself too. not in any demanding way. but go about your business and enjoy your life.
Author mel777 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Actually slubberdegullion, i think your comment to get over your self is kind of harsh. I'm not angry at him but if you noticed i too am in law school. I also work full time and on top of that I am a single mother, yet somehow I manage to find time to meet with people if they are important to me. He had said he would get back to me if he had to go out of town or not. Since I heard nothing I think it is foolish of anyone to put their life on hold when plans are still up in the air. He was th eone who said he would get back to me...he didn't so I made other plans. Seems to me that is FAR from clingy. Why is my time any less valuable then his? THNAKS CYGNY that's how I feel. I haven't put myself on hold, I was just wondering if I should move on all together. I'll give him another shot and ask for specifics..you would think a future lawyer would be more direct :-)
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I think he likes you but isn't ready to have a very serious relationship. It could be as simple as that. He has plans for himself careerwise and it's obvious that HE comes first. Which is fine, as long as you know what is what from the start. Now, has he made any promises to you? Long term, maybe mentioned going away together alone? How much do you like this guy? Enough to wait it out and see how things build?
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Seems to me that is FAR from clingy. Why is my time any less valuable then his? you are not being clingy. your time is just as valuable as his. so don't put yourself in the position of being on hold at his convenience. make other plans if he doesn't solidify things. in the long run, you'll be happier that way if you take charge of your own life. if he really wants to see you, he'll start making plans in advance. until now you've given him no reason to have to.
Author mel777 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Going away together...we're lucky if we have time for dinner :-). Besides we're still new and I'm not looking for any promises and would be happy with the way things are if he would just be a little bit more of a planner. So, I think I'm just going to bring it up and see if it changes. I like him enough to see where thing could go if he learns that when you say I'll let you know it means not at the last minute ;-)
Author mel777 Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Okay this is just a guess but slubber must be a guy becuase he thinks i'm clingy and cygny you must be a woman because you understand :-)...or a really nice guy?
RainyDayWoman Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Okay this is just a guess but slubber must be a guy becuase he thinks i'm clingy and cygny you must be a woman because you understand :-)...or a really nice guy? and you must be a woman because you are siding with the one you believe to be a woman and disagreeing with the one you presume to be a man....yeah. my comment was just as dumb as yours. you said "tell me what my friends won't"....and someone did, so stop freaking out. guys are not always as precise as women when it comes to nitpicking with plans. there could have been slightly better communication, but you did say sunday was okay for you, and that may be all he thought of. you're lucky he even got that far. technically he could be just as angry at you for making plans when you said you were available sunday. this is not totally his fault. but overall, the message i get is that he doesn't seem to care enough to get angry at you, which does say something...
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Going away together...we're lucky if we have time for dinner :-). Besides we're still new and I'm not looking for any promises and would be happy with the way things are if he would just be a little bit more of a planner. So, I think I'm just going to bring it up and see if it changes. I like him enough to see where thing could go if he learns that when you say I'll let you know it means not at the last minute ;-) Well, let things play out and talk to him. Don't leave it up to him to decide the date and the times. You may need to light the fire under his butt, if he is one of those types of men ... Forgetful but not on purpose, could be just the way his mind works. Or his focus is more on himself than anything due to Law School. Anyway, I know how busy you both are, I was wondering though if he had brought up that idea, that's all.
dnm1010 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 i think u should talk to him about this.. overall i understand what u mean.. you only started dating and this is the time where hes supposed to be all into you. he is busy though.. talk to him.
Walk Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 I think I would've been a little upset if I'd set up to meet on Sunday. I'm kind of screwy though... I would've figured since I didn't call and say I wasn't going out of town, then you would know I didn't, so therefore we were still on for Sunday. And would've been at least a little perturbed, not too much, that you made other plans. I wrote back--Sunday works for me, you can let me know when ever you find out. To me this says you are at my disposal. Any time Sunday is good for you, and you're going to keep it open for me. So all I have to do is call a few hours in advance to give you warning to get ready, and we're good to go. Don't jump his butt yet. Next time don't email back so wishy-washy. Since you'll be a future lawyer too, you need to learn that people will take all the slack you'll give them. Just say, Sunday evening around 5-7 would be good for me. Or something along those lines. Or next time say specifically, can you call me either way, if you go or don't. Sometimes men need direction.
Author mel777 Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Wow Rainy Day Woman calm down. I was making a joke hence the smiley face and difference of opinions or comments are just that differences not "dumb" as you so eloquently stated (this is sarcasm in case you missed it). If one resorts to name calling it's a reflection on that person's intelligence. I actually wouldn't date him if he had gotten mad that I made plans after he had told me he might have to go out of town and he would get back to me. He has every right to think about himself first as do I..hence no set plans I can make alternative ones. he would have no right to be mad at anyone except himself for thinking he could wait until the last moment to call me. Was I suppossed to hire a babysitter at 10.00 an hour and hope that he would call? Bull**it. I don't live my life like that, no woman or man should. With such limited time I'm not going to base my free time on maybe's. Instead I waited until the day he would have known about his weekend plans, no call so I made alternative plans. Also, you seem to not notice I said LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU FIND OUT. If he was going to Boston he would have left on Friday...he called on Sunday which means he did not let me know when he found out, just when he finally felt like giving me a call. As to everyone else slobber included I do appreciate your input.
Author mel777 Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks Walk that's pretty much what my best guy friend said. You're right no more wishy washy :-)
Walk Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Also, you seem to not notice I said LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU FIND OUT. If he was going to Boston he would have left on Friday...he called on Sunday which means he did not let me know when he found out, just when he finally felt like giving me a call. I agree it was unthinking on his part... but I probably would've thought it means, let you know if I'm going. If I don't tell you I'm going, then we're still on for Sunday. It's not thinking the whole thing through, it's a bit inconsiderate, but I wouldn't consider it a horrible offense on his part. If you hate it, break up with him. Or you can attempt to be more clear and direct in your communication. If you want a certain response, then you have to pose the specific question, or idea. "Let me know either way, if you are going or not. So that I can know if I can make alternative plans...." No ambiguity, see? **edited to add* Then if he still does this, you'll have your answer.
slubberdegullion Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Mel; My point was not to be harsh, and I'm sorry you took it that way. My point was stated in the last line of my message. And I don't see this as a gender thing at all. It's just simply a busy busy time for both of you. Is it worth losing the relationship over? IMHO, probably not, but I'm not the one living it.
Author mel777 Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Mel; My point was not to be harsh, and I'm sorry you took it that way. And I don't see this as a gender thing at all. It's just simply a busy busy time for both of you. Is it worth losing the relationship over? IMHO, probably not, but I'm not the one living it. No need to apologize, sorry if I read into it wrong :-) I agree it's not that big of a deal yet to walk away. I'll be more clear in the future and perhaps that will help things.
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