NightsEcho Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Hey all, been a member of these forums since about april, when my relationship of 3 1/2 years ended. Now i'm not gonna rehash all the details....the importent ones are I did the usual wrong stuff (begged, pleaded) she found someone new quick....if not before the demise. We had Limited contact till about september. Around that point I kinda snapped....told her I couldn't take the stringing along and all that...and got her friend to pick up the reminents of my belongings. Aand I entered NC Made it through Xmas...new years....and what would have been our 4 year together....NC on my part. Well last night when I least suspect it, I get an MSN asking about how I am, how she is doing and blah blah blah. I decided not to respond and now I'm kinda confused with what I should do. I dont wanna reopen scars...I'm not sure if i'm over her, but I am doing 100% better the last little bit (finished last semester with a GPA of 3.4) and generally life is good. I didnt think I would hear from her again...but 5 months of NC and this? Part of me feels she is fishing or something...I cant tell it was to vague....which reaffirms that if she wanted to talk to me she could pick up the phone. LS I need some insight on this one plz NE
slubberdegullion Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 If you want to find yourself, emotionally, back where you were when you first broke up, then by all means get in touch. But, as I read it, your life seems to be pretty good right now. Why would you want to revisit all that angst and anguish? You've moved on, even though there's a soft spot in your heart for her. Nothing wrong with that, of course, I've got soft spots on my heart from all my ex's (well, except 1... that miserable b!tch... but that's another story) but that doesn't mean that I want to get together with them or anything. My advice would be to maintain NC. It's obviously worked for you, so I can't really see any good coming out of breaking it now. Just my $0.02
CaliGuy Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Normally I agree with sticking to NC, Slubber, but in this case: You really don't have enough information to take action other than if you want to fish for information you can reply "I'm just fine, thanks." That would leave the door open for her to give you more information then you decide what to do. She might want to get back with you, maybe. Women are so much different than men. Their approach is much more subtle than men. We'll just bust out and say it "I want you back!" whereas women are more likely to take the slow approach: Fish for information, get feedback and move in small steps. There's a chance she just happened to be on and decided to say hi. There's also a chance she's still with someone else as well. Let me ask you, are you a stronger person than you were then? Do still feel the urge to beg or plead to have her back? If she was to start a dialect with you, how would you handle it? Ask yourself what YOU want then decide what to do. I'm a big proponent of NC but I also believe there are situations where a reconcillation will work. Most importantly you have to improve and become stronger and her heart has to have changed. Otherwise, no dice. Again, as long as you think you can handle it, just reply with a short message. Don't volunteer any information, just give her a short reply. That will leave the door open for her to explain why she is contacting you. Then at least you'll have more information and can decide better how to handle it.
chocolate_boy Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 If you were truly over her this wouldn't even bother you, you'd either just reply like you would anyone else, or (as in my case) just ignore it. My ex sent me 3 sms in December, I just laughed at how pathetic she was briefly and deleted them straight off.
Author NightsEcho Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Chocolate, cali and slubber thank you all so much for your replies. Chocolate you made a good point. I do still have a soft spot and if I was 100% it wouldn't phase me, I guess it was more of a shock. I didnt reply at the time though. Cali, I still have a ache there for her, but when I think of what has happened, it seems insurmountable. I guess my gut is telling me not to take the bait on this one....but ya were human and that small fire of hope only needs a small breeze to get rekindled....thats where I dont wanna fall. Slubber your point was valid and straight forward, I just wanted to mention I notice all you drum Avs and I love drumming! I played guitar for 10 years and picked up drumming after the break up Anyway, at this point i'm still undecided and I feel there is no rush to deal with this, like I used to feel in the past. I took her off MSN but didnt block her, so I have no idea when she is on. If anything I'm leaning toward a light e-mail in a few days... I guess it feels weird to have that pang of even thinking of her back....why ex's do this no idea... I appriciate all of this guys, thank you NE
CaliGuy Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 If anything I'm leaning toward a light e-mail in a few days... I would be reserved and skeptical if I were you and refrain from a "light" email. Just say "Got your IM, I'm doing fine. Hope all is well." One sentence and leave it at that. Don't give any information about you, don't let her believe you miss her and certainly don't start probing for information. She has only said hello, basically. Let her lead into what she wants to say and above all, remain calm and confident in who you are. If you intiate a "light" email, she may think you're still grasping for her and it will turn her off immediately. It's perfectly fine to take a few days to get back to her. You're a busy man with a busy life - even if you aren't
riobikini Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 If it didn't work then, chances are it won't work now. She's simply curious...it doesn't have anything to do with loving you NOW, it's all about the THOUGHTS of your relationship THEN. It's no good. Call it what it is: an emotional trap. And keep moving on. -Rio
In Sync Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 Now i'm not gonna rehash all the details....the importent ones are I did the usual wrong stuff (begged, pleaded) she found someone new quick....if not before the demise. We had Limited contact till about september. AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....!! Dude are you serious?!!!! Yeah that 'quick fix' she had probably kicked her to the curb and now she's lickin' her wounds and seekin' another quick fix....YOU! You've gotten this far and trust me..you had NO CONTACT since September, you are still vulnerable. Please! She needs her ego boosted and she knows you..the guy who begged her will stroke her ego fine..right about now! Lite e-mail.. that's like saying a little pregnant!
meltwithme Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 and generally life is good. That's the most important thing, if you think she could change this... probably best to stay away. If you still have a soft spot for her (it seems you do) think about it with an open mind, but I wouldn't rush into anything. Advice: I would still not call her at all, if she wants you, let her come to you and show it, then start to slowly decide if it's worth it to try again.
bendit Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 you are in for a world of hurt if you go back. Even if you resume talking and emailing with her. IS is dead on. Her new "relationship" fizzled. The first thing they do is go back to COMFORTABLE people they can count on to be their for their own SELFISH NEEDS. She cares nothing of you. Would someone who REALLY cared about you simply insinuate themselves into your life after months as if you were long lost friends? Examine the reality of this. Don't play the role of the fool here. BE STRONG. Don't be used. She will use you for support until she finds someone else. And then you will be strung along AGAIN. BE strong and move on to a better life. Think about what she did to you and how you had to put a stop to it. She won't. She loved having you around to play nurse maid. regards
cygny Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 could go either way, maybe the new squeeze fizzled, or maybe she realized she really cares about you. yeah she is fishing. and hoping you still like her. either she's coming back for comfort or because she really cares. play it cool if you still care about her. respond with a lighthearted joke, be nonchalant, don't show too much interest, maybe put her on the spot, say "got your IM, how was he?"-that would sure get my attention and i would know I was busted and you were way smarter than me...and i had no chance to screw around with your heart this time...
FriendsForLife Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 #1 She might need a confidence boost and hearing that you're not doing well because of her would do the trick. #2 She's feeling really guilty over what she did to you (since I'm new here I dont know) and wants to ease her mind. I liked the vague simple approach of "Im Fine Thanks!"
Author NightsEcho Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 Hey thank you to everybody.... The responses I have been recieveing have been really good to think about and to be honest I havent had much time to think about it. Its now going on a couple days since the contact and I havent replied in anyway. In a way I'm quite afraid of opening pandora's box again. More so then anything she could say, I remember what I felt like once apon a time. Where I'm at is A) Totally ignore it. Pretend it never happened and continue chin raised I'm also a realist in many ways B) I wonder if I can not raise above all the games and answer back in a genuine way....but with clear boundries..."I'm doing good and its good to hear you are, but why are ya contacting me?" I guess if I have learned anything in the past 10 months.....its that no rush in any of this....if I am still confused.....well I know I require more time.... Thank you all for your advice thus far......if anyone has had similar and wants to share the outcome or just wants to vent about anything feel free NE
Lishy Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 All I know is this ...... If she does want you back she will end up letting you know about it!!!!!!!!!
sanne Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 hey man, good to see a familiar face here. listen, i've been going through the same things you have these past few months. i actually broke NC to wish my ex a happy b-day and new years, and good luck in school since she's graduating this year. anyways, i never expected much of a reply, if any at all, and to my surprise she actually IM'd me one day while I was online. we had a great chat, and from there I realized I had gone too far. we are in the same class now and I see her every week. trust me a lot of the work I have done thus far is meaningless now that I have broken NC. i find myself thinking the same thoughts I used to and being stuck in the same situations. i urge you to really think about how contacting her could ever benefit you, because I assure you it will not.
oss91 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 People do end up reuniting, maybe not all of the time, but more often that one realizes. Only you can judge the situation, and if you think you'll just end up getting hurt again and opening new wounds, stay away from her. If she does want you back she will end up letting you know about it!!!!!!!!! Exactly. If she really wants to get to know you again and rekindle the spark, she'll do more than just send one short IM your way. Just see what happens.
sanne Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 i forgot to mention one very important piece of information. DO NOT underestimate the power that your ex has over you. i did and paid the price heavily. trust me, the only solution is complete avoidance, otherwise all of those old feelings will come rushing back instantly. i think the only time when it would be ok to contact an ex would be when you have moved on and found someone else. someone that truly satisfies you, that way you'll know how crappy your ex was and how insignificant the relationship really was.
Author NightsEcho Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Hey all, Again, I wanna restate that all the advice you have all given me has been amazing. I have decided not to reply, its been 5 days and the desire to contact is shrinking....definately not growing. I guess I wanna use the experiences of everyone and make an educated decision.....the first time I feel I actually thought clearly on this ever. If anything happens you will all know...let me know what you think of this decision NE
In Sync Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 As you haven't responded to her, and have maintained NC...I ask you..have you lost anything as a result. Obviously you haven't whithered away or fallen apart, in fact you pointed out "the first time I feel I actually thought clearly on this ever." To me that's amazing growth and empowerment. Why throw it all away just to what, 'catch up for old times sakes?' Leave it alone. Let it go and focus on how far you've come. If she is so in love and cannot live without you...she'll let you know and it won't be vague. Ask yourself what would you gain by breaking NC is it worth chucking where you are at emotionally all away?
wendel1 Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 NightsEcho...well done for being strong...you sound like NC is definitely healing you.
Author NightsEcho Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 hey all, Not sure if anyone followed this thread, but I have an update. My ex has now e-mailed me. She seems nice enough in this one...it's longer then the last few....and she talks about a lot of things i guess i wasnt expecting. She also said she wants to send me pics of her and "our" dog. She talks about how good school is....how it is her dream come true. She also talks about how one of her old friends is getting married. Wow.....so she doesnt mention anything about "us" or something like that, and she doesnt say if shes still with her bf.....hmmmm weird......i guess i'm shocked cause this is such a new tone for her. Like do girls contact exs after nearly 11 months seperated and 5 months NC to catch up....what is the deal? NE
CaliGuy Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 NE, what do YOU want? That's the real question here. If deep down you want another try, IF she has changed, then just reply with a short email as I mentioned earlier. Say: "Thanks for the update, I'm doing great. Take care." Don't fish for info, let her spill her guts. Then if she does start talking about "us" then you can ask her "What's changed?" and "Why" you should take her back. Dont be mean or defensive. Don't point fingers. Ask logical, emotional free questions that will help you determine her motives. You can always go back to NC if you don't hear what you want to hear. I'm a big proponent of NC but only in the sense of not initiating it. She is initiating the contact and obviously is trying to get you to communicate with her. If you can handle this and not go back to where you were, then answer with a short reply without giving any details or asking any questions. If you can not, then simply stick with NC and keep her out of your life. The choice is yours. So many people here beg for second chances and I think the tide has turned in your favor. The question is if you really want it.
Bogun Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 NE listen to your brain bud, its telling you to stay away from her. She contacted you, probably simply because she was close to you and she considers you a friend, not because she wants to get back with you. Whereas you are still thinking back to the old relationship, and thats why you are wondering what her motives are in contacting you. Your perspective is tainted by the past, her's isnt because she's moved on. Wow.....so she doesnt mention anything about "us" or something like that, and she doesnt say if shes still with her bf.....hmmmm weird......i guess i'm shocked cause this is such a new tone for her. And she most likely won't bring it up because she doesn't think about the past like you do when she contacts you. Were you friends with her before you two became a couple? If you were, did she talk about bf's with you like she would with her gf's? If not then she's not likely to mention a bf now. Keep her memory with you by all means, but know that what happened in the past should stay in the past. When you don't wonder about her motives and get stressed about her contacting you like you have this time, you know that you have the strength to talk to her again without getting butchered by your feelings. Keep up the good work mate.
In Sync Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Ok, I'm the skeptic of the bunch My ex has now e-mailed me. She seems nice enough in this one...it's longer then the last few.... Perhaps it's longer because you have ignored her contacts and she's getting more desparate. If she is nicer and writes more, she'll get you to respond. Be careful my friend. and she talks about a lot of things i guess i wasnt expecting. She also said she wants to send me pics of her and "our" dog. She talks about how good school is....how it is her dream come true. She also talks about how one of her old friends is getting married. When a friend gets married, never ever underestimate the power of that little ass-kicker. Because it always makes you wonder, "Did I let that one (meaning you) get away?" "When is it going to happen to me?" "I could be a bride and the center of attention..princess for a day...hmmm I wonder how he's doing, maybe I broke it off too soon. He would have married me." Maybe if I send him pics of our past I can stir up old flames. Wow.....so she doesnt mention anything about "us" or something like that, and she doesnt say if shes still with her bf.....hmmmm weird......i guess i'm shocked cause this is such a new tone for her. Like do girls contact exs after nearly 11 months seperated and 5 months NC to catch up....what is the deal? Nothing happens out of the blue. Something motivated her, trust me she didn't wake up from such along separation and NC, and decide I need to call him. If she didn't mention her bf, possibly all is not so great in that paradise. Get real, if you were happy with your new gf, would you be sending pics of the good times to your EX????!!!
Author NightsEcho Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 Well all.....I almost don't want to tell you.... I responded....shes sent two messages, and I guess it finally got the best of me. Hope that it doesn't kill the cat. I dont feel let down with myself....more curious then anything NE "These scars will make me sick, so I'll give up you this, i'll give up on you"
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