browngem Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now. All together it has been a great relationship, the most successful of my life. I am not used to having longer relationships whereas my boyfriend has had one other relationship that was serious. We've come to that point in our lives where he feels like he should have everything figured out. After college he got a great job, bought a new house, car, etc. I love my job and I live with a roommate in a different part of town. The past few months he's been more distant and rather cold. We haven't been intimate for about a month and we don't talk about the future. Finally last Sunday I had enough of feeling ignored and not special and I confronted him. I asked him, "Why are you with me?", to which he didn't respond. Then I asked him "Why are we together?" and he said "Why shouldn't we be together?". I told him that wasn't a reason to stay together. I told him I needed answers to why he's changed and been acting so differently (gradually) over the past three months. Then he told me he didn't want to talk about it. To which I promptly burst into tears and got into my car. I needed him to show me that he would fight for us, something that he hasn't done for a while. When he got to my car I let him sit inside as he broke down and started to cry. He told me he always thought he'd have everything figured out by the time he was 25 and that with all his friends getting married he was scared and confused. He's not sure what he wants and if he wants it with me. He doesn't know if he's not ready or if I'm not the one. He told me how it was so ironic that when we are together all he wants to do is push me away but when we are apart he is scared to death of losing me. He apologized for treating me the way he has and told me that he doesn't know what to do. And that he loves me. As he was explaining all this a calm came over me as he got more hysterical. He's the type of guy who is a perfectionist, one that can not decide what he wants for dinner, so this whole idea of a "future" is too much for him to handle. He asked me how I felt and I told him "I love you...and all I know is that when I'm with you I'm happy and when I'm away from you all I want to do is see your smiling face...and to hold you and touch you. You make me so happy." To which he just started crying harder. I told him I would wait but not forever. I'm the type of person that really is scared of the future but I'm not scared with him. I just want to see us progress and grow like we did up until recently. I'm not really that conventional- not looking to move in with him or get married anytime soon but I want to make sure we're growing towards these things. I don't know if he is afraid to be alone, afraid to go back to dating post college , afraid of losing me, or holding on to me until something better comes along. There are so many issues that could be factors in this. It has made me have doubt. With the way things ended that night I'm not even sure that we're still together. All I know that I'm hurt, confused, and really upset. Knowing that the person that you love more than anyone is questioning if he should be with you or not is more than I ever wanted to bear. We've had a very sweet, lighthearted relationship full of love and life. We know each other so well. We have had what most people dream of in a relationship. My questions are, do I stand by and let him decide? Do I break up with him to let him truly understand what it is like to date? Do I try to make him realize how special we have it? Do I fight for us or do I sti back and let him decide our 'future'?
cygny Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 it sounds like it would not be a bad thing for you to take a break. he needs to see what life is like without you. and maybe you could enlarge your circle of men friends too.
Author browngem Posted January 11, 2006 Author Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks for your response cygny. I have quite a few guyfriends as it stands, but as with adding any new relationship the guys and I hang out less and less. I guess I would like for him to understand what it really is like for him to date after college. I think part of the issue with him is that he's not been single since before he was a freshman in college. He and I started dating after he'd been single for about three months, after his first relationship of 3 1/2 years.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 it sounds like it would not be a bad thing for you to take a break. he needs to see what life is like without you. and maybe you could enlarge your circle of men friends too. Totally agree with cygny make him see what he had.. Usually it takes someone leaving for the other one see how much they really can't be without them!! Good luck
itwontdawnsooner Posted January 11, 2006 Posted January 11, 2006 i agree with above, taking a step back is the way to go. whether or not you want to call it "a break" or "a breakup" depends on your style and how you feel. taking a break can be softer, but it might not have the same effect. forcing him into a decision will eventually be the result, how long you want to drag it out depends on both you and him. its a lofty thing for some to call anyone "the one" because its like saying, i know this for sure. most guys i know dont do that as easily as their respective girls seem to.
Author browngem Posted January 12, 2006 Author Posted January 12, 2006 The thing is that I really don't need to know if I'm am this strange thing called "the one"...the only thing I'm concerned about is that he's using this as an excuse to push me away and eventually we'll break up anyway. I don't really think I want to break up with him, but if that is what it will take for him to get his feelings in order then that will have to happen I guess. Recently he's not been transparent with his feelings. Oh and an update: I haven't talked to him in three days but at the end of the workday last night he ims me when he knows I have about 15 minutes left before I leave. He doesn't say anything about our issues but only asks about the play that we were supposed to see at the end of this week. He sends me a few ims and after a while doesn't reply and I sign off. He's acting like nothings wrong again!
cygny Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 then what you are doing is working. when you step away, he misses you. that indicates to me that the level of intimacy and closeness that you are comfortable with, is a little too much for him and makes him lose his feelings of attraction for you. most guys need a little more space than women do, or they lose those passionate feelings. the feelings come back when there is more space. so if you want him to miss you a whole lot so that he has to decide whether there may be a future you, then step back a whole lot. take a break. it can be a whole lot of fun.
Walk Posted January 12, 2006 Posted January 12, 2006 I was thinking.. for your bf's sake.. and I don't believe this is something that will "bring him back" or help get him back. But because you love him, and want to see him happy no matter what.... You might want to explain to him that most of those guys who are getting married at 25, are doing it because they also thought it was "expected" of them. That they had to in order to have the perfect life, or their gf's, mothers, whoever expected them too. They're letting other people dictate their lives, and nearly all of those friends he has, are going to be divorced in 5 years. He needs to understand marriage isn't a decision based on your age, or others expectations, but a choice that is made because the person feels it is the next step in the progression of a relationship. It seems as if he's letting the outside world dictate his life, and that's not healthy. Whether he marries you, or someone else, he needs to take a bigger view of the picture then he is. Personally, I think it'd be better if you tried to explain this, rather then tell him he has to decide he wants marriage with you or you're over.. This quote below is almost like an ultimatum. I understand where you're coming from... But at the same time, you're telling him you want a decision from him at some point, and you mean fairly soon, or your leaving. The guys sharing his guts, and soul to tell you he's confused, and feeling lost. And you tell him you aren't going to wait forever for him to make up his mind. Which, he needs to know this... but at the same time, that puts a lot of pressure on him to decide soon. When he just told you (crying and hysterical) that he is lost and confused on this subject. I told him I would wait but not forever. .........I want to make sure we're growing towards these things. The other posters have great suggestions. I think I would just add too the backing off, and reassure him that he doesn't need to figure out his ENTIRE life right now. 25 is young... Not getting married soon would be a much wiser decision, for the both of you. A little reassurance on your part that his life isn't going to end if he isn't sure today, or even this year... and then back off and give him the chance to come to his own conclusion on this.
Author browngem Posted January 13, 2006 Author Posted January 13, 2006 Thank you all so very much for your responses. A few things: when I was talking to him about the possibility of leaving, it wasn't because I was saying "either marry me or I'm out". My saying I'll wait but not forever was my way of saying that I love him and that I want to be with him but if he can't even decide that he wants to be with me right now b/c he doesn't know for sure if he'll ever want to be with me. He's been distancing himself from me for quite some time now and I felt that if things were going to stay that way there was no point to staying together. I agree that 25 is young, and that there is no rush, no pressure to get married. I just want to make sure he still loves me, wants to spend time with me and doesn't want to get out again to "play the field". A sentiment that he's never really done. Another Update: I am going to a play tonight with a friend and he has imed me asking if he's still invited. I don't know what I should tell him...
cygny Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 what are you going to do? i don't think the opinions expressed here have a whole lot to do with whether or not you want to get married right now. they have more to do with letting him have the space to decide if he really wants to be with you. it can be pretty confusing when he is still doing some stuff with you, but now it is your call on what to do.
Author browngem Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 So he ended up coming to dinner and the play. At first I didn't know what to do or to act. One of my best friends was there too and she said we were both acting weird. I didn't act like everything was okay I acted friendly but that was about it, whereas he was hugging on me and acting like everything was just fine. Afterwards he kept asking us what we were doing the rest of the night and we ended up going to a bar where his friends were. Yet again, acting like everything was peachy keen. He ended up staying the night at my house but I made sure nothing happened. I also made the mistake of him spending the day with me. I want to give him space but when he acts like everything is okay I forget that things aren't okay and I go right back to the way we used to be. It's all just so very confusing and I don't want to pressure him or make him hurry up but not knowing is driving me crazy.
PlentyLV007 Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 You sound like me about 2 years ago with my ex of 5 years. I got to the point where I came to a road...Where is this going? Everything you did, I did. I ended up doing the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and leave the one person (so far) in my life who I loved more than life itself. My first love. He was 25 as well. I was 23...He still had lot's of things to see, lot's of experiences to go through before deciding on that kind of decision such as marriage. No person likes to feel that way. My eyes go watery when I was reading your post...because I can relate to you and I can undertand him....I agree with all the post above. Take a break....also the way you both are acting is not making the situation any easier...with him being as if nothing, and you acting as if something is still wrong. He's trying to make it work in any way possible and you still have an un-answered question in your mind. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's easy nor tell you that things will go back to normal. Let me just say....that when one door closes another will open. Good luck!
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