Boyfriend very suddenly changed his mind about us

[spinningdancer]

I (F32) have been with my boyfriend (M49) for 7 months.

From the very beginning we seemed to have been on the same page regarding the fact that marriage and family was the goal. He spoke often of feeling like he'd found 'his place' with me, that this was the best relationship he'd had, that since his bad experience of a relationship ten years ago (with a woman he had a child very quickly with, and who turned abusive), he felt that with me he could trust that having a second chance at family life would be possible, and good. He introduced me to his family, I spent a lot of time with them, and apparently it's the first time in all these years that his mum really likes the person he's seeing. He told me he was considering places where we could live (and even asked me to move in with him several times but I wanted to wait).

Then about a month ago some things started going wrong for him. He had a burnout from work. I had to take him to hospital one night because he got really bad (vomiting, migraines, he told me he felt like he was about to die). He spent four days in hospital and I stayed by his side the first night, and visited him the other days. It turned out he had a serious virus.

He got home and was exhausted.

A few days later he said he had to talk to me- he could no longer see himself having another child. He had to let me go because he'd be a bad father, he had no more energy, he realised he's much too old for another child, he had a 'gut feeling' we would make each other unhappy and I would resent him for not wanting a child. I can't even describe the emotional shock I felt - as if the past 7 months were a lie. 

I've been crying, having nightmares, I couldn't eat for the first few days. I asked him to try and really think about this for, I don't know, 'two months?!' He promised me he would consider it, but asked me 'not to hold it against him if he didn't change his mind.'

He's still spending most of his time resting at home. He won't be back at work for another month. We are talking every other day on the phone and have seen each other a couple of times in the past ten days. Following some advice from friends, I'm not showing him how hurt I am. I'm being patient, not needy, giving him space and time to get better... basically hoping seriously that he will change his mind. I also realise a bit more now that he needs some help psychologically, he's never been in therapy for the anger he has against his father (distant emotionally), and the breakdown of his relationship with his child's mother.

We had both promised we would give our all to the relationship. But now he's pushing me away, telling me he still loves me but 'knows' I'll be better off without him, he 'knows' we'll both be unhappy...he is VERY stubborn in general. But this is such an enormous change from how he has been during our entire relationship (affectionate, thoughtful, wanting to spend lots of time together). He equally 'knew' we would have a happy family life. 

Loveshackers, should I leave him completely during this time? Was his love for me a fantasy...? I wouldn't expect someone who loves me to leave me while I'm at my worst, and I'm showing him I'm here, but I am battling with feelings of anger and deep sadness over all of this.

Thank you for your help

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think it would be really important for you, for your own emotional healing and your future love life, to understand this simple truth: a 7-month relationship means nothing in the long term. A 7-month relationship is just the very beginning of a possible long-term relationship. It is a time where people tentatively, carefully, respectfully get to know each other without making any grand promises or constructing elaborate plans for the future.

Anyone who rushes the natural, much slower pace of a healthy, mature relationship, anyone who “lovebombs”, promises a lot of things, plans stuff like marriage and childbirth, etc., and anyone who takes such words and gestures and promises seriously after only 7 months and actually makes life-embracing plans with that person - is not doing it right.

I don’t agree with your friends that you shouldn’t show him that you are hurt and that you should “give him space”. You should tell him that you are hurt, and you should break up with him. He has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want to be with you. All his words about how he loves but just “knows” you’d be better off without him are just meaningless tripe people say when they think they could soften the breakup that way. 

[spinningdancer]

12 minutes ago, blueskies said:

This was heartbreaking to read. It seems that something else has perhaps happened to make him do a “180” on the relationship.

Thank you for your sympathy I think he has been deeply affected by his burnout and hospital stay. The most hurtful thing is him saying he really did want those things with me, but has now seen 'the reality of what's possible' for him. 

What I want to tell him is let's slow things down, a lot, and see how we feel when you're better? 

[spinningdancer]

48 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think it would be really important for you, for your own emotional healing and your future love life, to understand this simple truth: a 7-month relationship means nothing in the long term. A 7-month relationship is just the very beginning of a possible long-term relationship. It is a time where people tentatively, carefully, respectfully get to know each other without making any grand promises or constructing elaborate plans for the future.

Anyone who rushes the natural, much slower pace of a healthy, mature relationship, anyone who “lovebombs”, promises a lot of things, plans stuff like marriage and childbirth, etc., and anyone who takes such words and gestures and promises seriously after only 7 months and actually makes life-embracing plans with that person - is not doing it right.

I don’t agree with your friends that you shouldn’t show him that you are hurt and that you should “give him space”. You should tell him that you are hurt, and you should break up with him. He has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want to be with you. All his words about how he loves but just “knows” you’d be better off without him are just meaningless tripe people say when they think they could soften the breakup that way. 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I agree we spoke about those things too quickly, but he seemed so sure and his actions matched his words (reliability, kindness, bringing me into his family). I still wanted to get to know him much better, hence not moving in by month 2/3 when he asked. It could be that he has just suddenly realised he went in way beyond his actual capacities. 

[Gebidozo]

24 minutes ago, spinningdancer said:

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I agree we spoke about those things too quickly, but he seemed so sure and his actions matched his words (reliability, kindness, bringing me into his family). I still wanted to get to know him much better, hence not moving in by month 2/3 when he asked. It could be that he has just suddenly realised he went in way beyond his actual capacities. 

Kindness and reliability cannot be tested within 7 months. Bringing a partner into the family means nothing. I did it myself more than once with partners with whom I rushed like crazy and everything I did was motivated by selfishness and pursuit of comfort. He asked you to move together after 2/3 months? That, in itself, is a red flag.

[spinningdancer]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Kindness and reliability cannot be tested within 7 months. Bringing a partner into the family means nothing. I did it myself more than once with partners with whom I rushed like crazy and everything I did was motivated by selfishness and pursuit of comfort. He asked you to move together after 2/3 months? That, in itself, is a red flag.

I see. I guess because I've known quite a few people to get engaged and married within a year or two, him bringing those things up didn't shock me. I wrongly thought that someone his age would be certain about what he wanted in life, more so than someone my age.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think there is more he's not telling you about this sudden turn-around. 

He's trying to tell you it's over, though,  in so many words. I get that it hurts and you're shocked, but sometimes the shock is because we don't actually know the whole story.

I would urge you not to wait around and hope he changes his mind. I'm really sorry. 

[Interstellar]

Sounds like  being hospitalized opened his eyes about having kids again. Do you really, really want kids? or is this something you feel you can compromise? If you really want it then he’s not for you. He’s done having them and had a bad experience as a result

Edited March 5 by Interstellar

[Gebidozo]

16 hours ago, spinningdancer said:

I see. I guess because I've known quite a few people to get engaged and married within a year or two, him bringing those things up didn't shock me. I wrongly thought that someone his age would be certain about what he wanted in life, more so than someone my age.

Yes, some people get engaged and married very quickly, a fact that only contributes to the already high percentage of unhappy marriages.

I’m exactly the same age as your BF, and I only recently began to figure out what I really want in life.

Only a year ago I was completely certain that a quick marriage and fast production of kids was exactly what I wanted. As the stress and the uneasiness brought by that perspective became apparent, I realized I simply didn’t know what I really wanted. 

[spinningdancer]

2 hours ago, Interstellar said:

Sounds like  being hospitalized opened his eyes about having kids again. Do you really, really want kids? or is this something you feel you can compromise? If you really want it then he’s not for you. He’s done having them and had a bad experience as a result

Thanks for your reply. I do want children, I can't really imagine being truly happy without at least trying to have one. He knows that and isn't asking me to compromise. 

I saw him again yesterday, and he reiterated that he will think about it as he recovers over the next couple of months, but that the 'energy just isn't there, and if there's no energy there's no desire'.

In the meantime it's hard as obviously things have changed between us. He still says he loves me, but is being distant and we're seeing each other less. I'm someone who always needs to have something concrete to do in a situation, to not feel powerless. And I just don't know what to do right now.

[spinningdancer]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, some people get engaged and married very quickly, a fact that only contributes to the already high percentage of unhappy marriages.

I’m exactly the same age as your BF, and I only recently began to figure out what I really want in life.

Only a year ago I was completely certain that a quick marriage and fast production of kids was exactly what I wanted. As the stress and the uneasiness brought by that perspective became apparent, I realized I simply didn’t know what I really wanted. 

Thank you, it's good to hear from someone his age that there's never a guarantee you'll have everything figured out before you actually truly have the possibility of those things in front of you.

Is there anything a partner could do in this situation, then, to allay someone's fears/contribute to them keeping their mind open to the possibility?

[Gebidozo]

59 minutes ago, spinningdancer said:

Thank you, it's good to hear from someone his age that there's never a guarantee you'll have everything figured out before you actually truly have the possibility of those things in front of you.

Is there anything a partner could do in this situation, then, to allay someone's fears/contribute to them keeping their mind open to the possibility?

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is anything you can do. If I understand correctly, he isn’t just hesitant or stressed out about having kids. He told you clearly that he thinks someone else would make you happier. Which, to me, sounds like a soft breakup or a preparation to it.

In my case things were reversed, I thought I wanted marriage and kids as soon as possible, and my partner, who is the same age as you, said she wasn’t ready. Even though she is open to the possibility, it’s important for me to understand that “being open” is no guarantee at all, and, on the contrary, I should be ready for the possibility that she’ll never want kids. So, I had to ask myself what was worse - life with her but without kids or life without her. I concluded that I’d rather have the first option, so I just stopped raising the subject.

But the thing is that she never suggested that another woman would make me happier. That is the worst part in the situation with your BF, in my opinion. This is just not something you tell a person you plan on staying with. He sounds like he’s lost the energy and the will for this relationship in general. 

[Interstellar]

5 hours ago, spinningdancer said:

Thanks for your reply. I do want children, I can't really imagine being truly happy without at least trying to have one. He knows that and isn't asking me to compromise. 

I saw him again yesterday, and he reiterated that he will think about it as he recovers over the next couple of months, but that the 'energy just isn't there, and if there's no energy there's no desire'.

In the meantime it's hard as obviously things have changed between us. He still says he loves me, but is being distant and we're seeing each other less. I'm someone who always needs to have something concrete to do in a situation, to not feel powerless. And I just don't know what to do right now.

He loves you but without kids. Your agenda is kids and he doesn’t want to have anymore. But if by some small chance he agrees with you he may eventually  resent you and the kid which would make for one very unhappy union. You’ll resent him too and resentment kills relationships. Suffer the pain of the breakup now than have a much bigger pain later. 

Edited March 5 by Interstellar

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, spinningdancer said:

he reiterated that he will think about it as he recovers over the next couple of months, but that the 'energy just isn't there, and if there's no energy there's no desire'.

This man is trying to tell you that it's over. He doesn't quite have the cojones and say it directly, but that's what it is. 

I am really sorry. It sounds like he crash-landed into a relationship with you, and those sorts of relationships have a way of burning out equally as fast.  I would strongly encourage you to let him go. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, blueskies said:

maybe he is struggling with simply coming out and saying it's over because he has feelings for her and because he does not want to hurt her. 

Well, yes, obviously. That's essentially what I said - he doesn't have the courage (for whatever reason) to tell her that's over. 

 

 

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry @spinningdancer. I can only imagine how much it hurts for him to blindside you like that.

I hate to say it, but based on how you described the relationship (his rush to establish a relationship with you, his desire to have you move in too soon, all this talk about kids and family, and even introducing you to his family so early), it was almost inevitable that things would end this way.

It's been my observation over the years that people who rush relationships and seem so sure about what they want and do all this stuff to show how serious they are earlier than the average person wake up one day and seemingly out of the blue decide they want out. And there's usually nothing for the other person to refer to to make sense of things--no indication that they were developing doubts, no out-of-the-ordinary conflict, nothing. The forums here are full of posts that detail experiences of precisely that kind. Heck, I've even experienced it myself. So I know how confusing and disorienting and hurtful it can be.

I suspect that he started to develop doubts a while ago but just wasn't showing them. People who behave like this often double down when they feel doubtful. They'll even do things as drastic as proposing to you instead of sitting down with their feelings and trying to understand why they want out. I imagine that he was already having doubts and then the burnout and the illness left him so weak and exhausted that he was no longer able to continue with the elaborate effort. And so he broke up with you (that is essentially what he has done, isn't it?).

The best thing that you can do for yourself is accept that it's over and then close the chapter. If you want to do it formally and tell him goodbye, you do that. If you'd rather just quietly move on,  you do that. Do what's comfortable for you. Stop visiting him and calling him, and look after yourself. He has set his boundaries; it's clear what they are. Now it's time to set your own to better protect yourself.

[JAYGURL89]

PHe has had a wake-up call from being unwell. It has spooked him, and now he realises he has fewer years left to enjoy life. I'm a mother, so take it from me. Having kids is really hard. Not just physically in terms of sleep, etc, but also emotionally with hormones and stress, and as we know, financially also. He doesn't want to be wasting his retirement years on scraping together money for his kids christmas so he doesn't feel like a failure, or working more hours to put a child through school when he is in his 70s. He has had a realisation that he needs to slow down, and I suspect this illness has put him into panic mode that he hasn't lived his life as full as he would have liked to. This is a blessing to you, as this man would have either bailed on you and a kid or entered into a psychiatric ward after a nervous breakdown. The fact that he already has a child is a big factor also. That biological need we have isn't as strong in men. When they do have it, they are just as happy to know that they have someone to pass on their name and DNA. He may even want to put more time and effort into his kid than he previously had done. So he wants to enjoy the life he has right now, with the people he cares for, and make the most of it all whilst he is still physically and mentally capable. He is probably aware of how much you wanted children and if he isn't, then he doesn't want to take the risk in hurting you after wasting years of your life, or have a child accidently (we know it happens). Or for you to say you are OK with no kids and have the paranoia throughout your relationship that you're cheating from resentment. The majority of men say things that allow them to enjoy things in the moment. They are mostly impulsive and don't really think too far into the future or about what things can go wrong. Most enjoy the here and now. When it comes to sex being within their grasp, they will become anyone you want them to be. 

Without the obvious illegal age limits for kids and teens, age shouldn't matter when it comes to love. Unfortunately, you are not at the same stages in life, and you need to experience a little more of yours whilst he is in the cruising into the retirement stage of his life. He isn't old, but he isn't young enough to have kids and raise them and then still enjoy or do things he wants to and his retirement. It's a shame he couldn't realise this sooner, but he probably never realised that even though he feels 21, he isn't and times getting on. 

You have to get therapy and work on you. Don't rush into finding a sperm donor from the fear of losing your window of opportunity to conceive. Kids are rewarding, but they take everything out of you. If you are not fully ready and can't get support, then it's not only you who suffers. The child loses so much also. If it is possible for you, then think about freezing your eggs. The modern world and dating have women losing out on becoming mothers, and I can only imagine how hard that is. Why don't you think of adoption? I grew up in care until my grandmother took me in. If you do not want this, then i understand, but it may be something to think about. Adoption can be just as fulfilling, and you can adopt older kids who are losing hope in finding a family to love them right now, whilst in care. Everyone wants babies. Either way, it won't be a definite for your ex to change his mind, so it has to be a decision for you. Do not agree to have no kids from hoping that he will change his mind. These areas in life should have yes or no answers and possibly a compromise on timescales, but it should not be a decision one person makes for the both of you. You end up getting hurt just the same. You still have time to have your happy ending. The only way you can lose is if you do things you don't fully want to do, or not do, and then have regrets later. So be selfish with this and take the time you need to get your wellbeing up to where you know it belongs. I bet you that a man who is perfect for you and wants all that you want will come when you least expect it. If he doesn't, then you will be mentally strong enough, at least to know what the next step is. Find other things and hobbys that fulfil your life. 

So now you have to take back control and tell him you know it's over and you will need some distance to get back to yourself again. This man may have something else going on behind all this. Regardless, it looks like he now knows he wants a very easy life that is filled with all the things and people that he knows he will fully love and enjoy himself with. He won't compromise on any of those because he believes he has no other time to enjoy them as he fully wants to. 

You're not the only woman in this situation nowadays. Good luck. 

[introverted1]

On 3/4/2025 at 6:13 AM, spinningdancer said:

He spent four days in hospital

Are you sure it is just a virus?  A 4-day hospitalisation followed by a 3-month recuperation at home sounds very serious.

My guess is that this brought to the forefront his mortality and he has decided that having a baby in his 50s is not something he truly wants to do.  He has likely also realised that, at 32, you are in a completely different stage of life and he does not want to hold you back from being able to have a family, etc.

I'm curious - does your 7-month relationship include the 2 months he's been home "considering" things?

[Miss Chrysalis]

I think he convinced himself he wanted the family thing because he liked you so much he wanted to want that with you. Probably convinced himself that he actually did want it or would get there. But his health scare reminded him of his age and of what he truly wants and doesn't want to be responsible for at his age.  I'm sorry for your hurt :(.  

[ShyViolet]

On 3/4/2025 at 9:22 AM, spinningdancer said:

I still wanted to get to know him much better, hence not moving in by month 2/3 when he asked. 

You both completely rushed this relationship.  And relationships that are rushed usually end just as fast as they began.  If he was asking you to move in with him at 2 months of dating, then he had really poor judgment.  That's just never a wise thing to do.  I don't care how infatuated you are with someone, or how much you think you love someone, you can't possibly know a person well enough to responsibly move in together at 2 or 3 months of dating.  At his age that's something he should have learned by now.  It is also never a good thing to be talking about marriage at 2-3 months of dating.  Again, you can't possibly know a person well enough at 2, 3 or even 6 months of dating to be making plans like that.  You were both lovebombing each other, trying to rush this relationship, and getting ahead of yourselves.  And relationships like that usually crash and burn.  He has realized this.

You are kidding yourself if you think waiting around for him and hoping he will change his mind is going to work.  Listen to what he is telling you... he doesn't see a future with you.    Move on, and don't make these mistakes again.