almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 I dont even know where to start. I have been posting a lot on here lately...which I normally dont do. I guess its because this time I love someone where my other relationships werent as involved. In a nutshell...I have been trying to financially and mentally support my current bf through a tough time he has been having. He lost his last job before Thanksgiving and lost his truck due to his own irresponsibilty. Now his license is suspended until Jan 24th at least and he has been using my car everyday since his truck has been gone. About 6 or 7 weeks now. He has worked but the people he is working for are with holding his checks. Now yesterday his landlord stopped by his house and said if she isnt paid by tonight he is getting served his eviction notice. I have been buying 3 packs of cigarettes a day. Filling up my tank 3 times a week at least and buying dinner for 10 people 2 times a week. I only should be paying for one pack of cigarettes, 2 tanks of gas and dinner for myself and two little children. I am always stressing because I want to help him but not to where I am always broke now. I am trying to be supportive but I cant anymore. And I have pretty much decided to walk away. heres my issue...Over the Christmas holiday me and my mom spent $450 on his 3 children in gifts because he didnt have enough money to buy even one gift. He cried on my shoulder (while he was drunk) after my shift on Friday night (my second job is bartending). He told me he was so grateful for what my mom and I did for his kids he couldnt explain it. and he said if it wasnt for me that he wouldnt be around anymore. Whether thats true or not I dont know. but it still puts me in a bad place. And I dont mean to sound rude with what I am going to say....Im venting.... I cannot afford to have the mileage and gas used on my car. Its the only thing nice I have. I am drowning in bills while he sits home all day and uses my phone to make his calls (his phone has been shut off). I cannot afford to feed him, his 3 kids, his older stepson and his brother...all while trying to feed me and my 2 kids. I am already working 2 jobs and trying to add another night shift on Thursday. I am going back to college to make something out of myself and never have to worry about supporting my children financially again. They will learn through my example that whatever life throws your way you can still rise above it. Blah blah blah...you dont need to hear my rant. I just cannot take it anymore. He is so much like my exh and I cant deal with it anymore. I so want to walk away. But then i feel bad because he will have no car, no phone, no smokes...maybe his kids wont have dinner. Plus he will have no support (mental). And to top it off...he is totally inlove with me and would be crushed if I walked away (he has told me this). I am worried that he might harm himself. I dont know what to do. I hate feeing responsible for things that arent my responsibilty. how awful do I sound right now? please be honest. We have been together for 9 months. Thanks for your help.
Author almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 And I forgot to mention the most important part. He is severly depressed right now and said if I wasnt in his life he would have commited suicide before Christmas. I dont know how to walk away knowing this. And its not that I want to walk away. I just want him to fix his sh*t up. Get a job, support himself, get a working car. Strive to be someone. He wants to go live in some ghetto townhomes. There are drug deals happening all the time inside the complex. Ive been through there before. Him, his exw and 3 children used to live there once upon a time. That may be good enough for them but not for my 2 children. I want more for my kids. Sometimes I wish I never divorced my exh. We had it good. He just was mentally abusive. Somewhat physically abusive and I had to go.
RainyDayWoman Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 EDITED*** i dated the same kind of guy for almost 8 years...he never changed, and i walked away. people who threaten to kill themselves if you leave them know that you won't be with them for much longer. you left another man for abusive reasons. what your boyfriend is doing is another kind of abuse. it cannot be tolerated. one day, i just said "nope. no more." and i knew it was right, because my feelings finally mattered more to me than his. i knew he was upset, but there wasn't anything else i could do. now i am back in school, and i am engaged to a man who supported himself long before i ever came into the picture. things are ideal. think about it. you do have a few more "obstacles" than i do (like having children and therefore having to work) but half the people i am in class with have children, marriages, jobs, other people to take care of...and you know what? they rock. they kick ass. you know what you want to do. i think you're stuck in that stage of "i know i don't want this anymore and i need to find the right time and way to tell him." it's easier to put difficult things off...but it's so much better for everyone involved, especially you, when you do what you know you need to do.
newbby Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 you cant help somebody that wont help themselves. what is his situation? is he in a position to be able to work? does he have full custody of his three little kids? does their mother ever have them? what does his brother do? he may be suicidal, he may not be, but whatever, he should not be manipulating you with this, and you should not be allowing it. he must feel bad, living where he does and being unable to provide for his family, but there must be more he can do for himself.
Lil Honey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Almost There: This is going to sound mean and judgemental. My first impressions are usually right. I have learned to go with my gut feelings and instincts and I encourage others to listen to theirs. I encourage you to listen to yours. This guy is sponging off of you. He threatens suicide in order to guilt you into staying with him. Just think, if you left, he'd have no one to sponge off of. Then, he'd have to get off his @ss, look for work, look for a place to live, find his own transporation. My gosh, that's an awful lot to do! As it is right now, he has NO responsibilities. Of course he loves you to bits - you are taking care of him like royality. And what's up with his brother? He's sponging off of you as well. What's up with THAT? YOUR responsibilities are to YOUR kids. You are teaching them how to allow someone to take advantage of them. You are teaching them that others can treat mom badly. One single parent feeding and housing ten people! PHFT! Enough of THAT. Further, His Majesty has no business getting drunk when he should be out looking for work. I just get so d@mned tired of people who don't take responsibility. Sheesh. You need to walk in there and throw them all out. Change the locks on your doors and change your phone number. If he needs help, hand him the address of the shelter in town.
Author almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 He is fully capable and able to work. His kids go to school during the day. The mom has full custody anyway. He only has to be there in the morning to drop the kids off at school...and he could change this if need be. So he can work from 9 to 5 like any one of us. His brother (25) is his roommate. They are supposed to each pay $700 a month for the house they rent. But his brother makes 11 an hour and spends his money on buying pot. He works for some car wash/oil change place. his stepson (18) is a very nice kid but also somkes pot and has no motivation to get a job now that he has dropped out of highschool. He hates his mom and wants to live with my bf (the stepdad). I know my bf is not doing this on purpose. and I know he would help me out if I was having troubles too. In a heartbeat. But i would rectify the situation asap. Just because his license is suppended does not mean he cannot work. A lot of people I know have suppensions and they work. I work for a moving company and 3/4 of our laborers dont have their license but come here and work their butt off and make good money doing it. Im just at my limit. between his exw, his kids (they need to be disciplined), his stepson, his brother and all the stuff above and in the other posts...i just cannot do it anymore. I cannot believe he allows his stepson to drop out of school and smoke pot and not have a job. I cannot believe he lets his children break the brand new toys I just went broke on buying them so he would have a Christmas with them. I cannot believe he would let his exw disrespect me by sitting in his kitchen at the table for 20 minutes while I was in the bedroom. She hates me and he knows it. She wants him back. She has been told she has to wait outside. but she still walks right in. His brother can smoke pot in the house. his stepson can too. and any of their friends. My bf doesnt but used to right until he met me because I said I would never date anyone who did. I havent done it since high school because I believe parents shouldnt. We need to show our children right or wrong. I know what I should do. It just makes me really sad to leave. I really do have feelings for him. but we are so different. and he would have to change so much. thats so not fair to him.
Lil Honey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 Two more things: 1. His life is HIS responsibility. Tell me WHY YOU should be in charge of it and be held accountable for it. 2. He is driving YOUR car on a suspended license. To go WHERE? He is unemployed. There is a REASON that his license is suspended and it is likely because of a drinking problem. Soooo . . . he is doing that and do you know what could happen if he was in an accident? The lawyers would come after YOU because you own the vehicle. Then, what would happen to your income and your children? Okay, I have to go to another thread. This one pisses me off the more I think about it.
SmoochieFace Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 It just makes me really sad to leave. I really do have feelings for him. but we are so different. and he would have to change so much. thats so not fair to him. Ah... this is what it boils down to once again... deja vu...
Lil Honey Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 So, what do this people do (since they don't work) to afford the drugs? Hmmm . . . "selling it" is probably the answer. To who? Kids? Kids like YOURS will be someday? And what's up with all these people (including this woman) disrespecting YOUR home? She wants him back. Let her have him. Hand him to her. Wish her luck (she's gonna NEED it). I know what I should do. It just makes me really sad to leave. I really do have feelings for him . . . and he would have to change so much. thats so not fair to him No disrespect toward you, Almost, but oh, puhleeeze. You've known him for nine months. I wouldn't put up with that crap from someone I knew for nine years. Okay. That's enough for a while from me. LOL
SmoochieFace Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 This thread brings out the cynic in me BIG TIME. I'm not gonna go there about the drugs... no way...
Author almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Oh no...this isnt my house. This is a house he and his brother rent. If half of what takes place at his house took place at mine...no way. I would never, under no circumstances, ever allow drugs even brought in in someones pocket of their jacket. I dont allow swearing in my house. I dont allow movies or music to be played that arent appropriate for an 8 and 5 year old child. And I dont allow it being played at his house while my kids are there. His supension is for nonpayment of a driving with your brights on ticket. He doesnt have a drinking problem. He was only drunk that one night because he came up to the bar I work at to keep me company til we got busy. Then he drinks with his friends while I work. Then I drive home of course. I may work at a bar but I leave sober.
Madeleine Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 You really should run, not walk, run from this scrounging, manipulative waster as fast as you possibly can and don't ever let him back into your life. He is playing on your good nature in order to manipulate you into giving him everything. He will never change. He is a user. I married a man like that, he was unemployed for the last 12 years of our 19 year marriage and manipulated me in exactly the same way. He would make me feel terribly guilty by telling me he couldn't live without me and that he would commit suicide if i should leave. I supported him financially and emotionally for 12 whole years while he sat on his backside all day playing computer games. Eight months ago, i left him. Guess what? Did he commit suicide as he had threatened so many times? No. Within 3 months of me leaving he had moved another woman in with him, changed the locks on the house so i cannot get any of my possessions, and lied to his lawyer so i have to pay his divorce costs. My husband took absolutely everything from me, all my money, all my possessions, my home, even my cat. I walked away from a 21 year relationship with nothing but my clothes. But do you know something? I don't give a rat's ass! Why? Because i am finally free from the guilt he put on me, i am finally happy. He will never take another thing from me because i will never give him anything ever again, not even the effort it takes to say "Hello". Stop giving to this man, absolutely nothing. Not one meal, not one cigarette, not one loan of your car, not one penny. Don't feel guilty, regardless of how hard he tries to make you, ignore his pseudo-suicide threats, ignore his crocodile tears, ignore his sob stories. If you are not supporting him he has only 2 options. 1) find a job. 2) find another woman to scam.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 If you love him, you will get him the help he needs. AA, therapy and just be his friend. Don't take over his life, give him the easy way out...Yet, don't disappear...Lend a hand, but he needs to make some efforts to change. Bad luck has come his way and due to his depression, he cannot take it nor deal with life in a normal functioning way. Don't up and leave him, but until HE decides ENOUGH and "I Need to get my s*** together, not only for ME, but for MY kids..." there isn't a whole lot you can do...Fixing everything for him is only making it worse. He has to take charge and show in action that he is and GOING to change. Good luck and keep posting.
Walk Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 My exH threatened to kill himself when I told him I was leaving. He told me how he was going to do it. He told me how he called him mom and grandma and said goodbye for the last time. *sob* *sob* I was so dissappointed when he didn't do it. *shucks* It's a guilt trip, a threat to keep you paying for everything. He's dependent on you and will do anything to keep his "life line" intact. He's saying what you want to hear. And playing off your incredibly good nature. He won't kill himself. Unfortunately, he'll live and continue to leech off of other women for as long as he lives. *too bad* GO TO SCHOOL!!!!! Motivate those youngen's of yours! Put them and you first. I was so proud of my Mom when she went back to school. It really affected me and I was about 8 at the time too. I've never quit trying to better myself, just like my parents have never quit trying to better themselves. But by keeping this pot head loser around, you're teaching your children that it's acceptable behavior to leach off of others, to do nothing with your life.
Author almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Whichwayisup....thats how I feel about the situation. He does need help. He is depressed. When I first started seeing him he had a good job making over a grand clear a week. We were going out to a lot of places and having a good time. I barely paid for anything. If I was lucky I could sneak out to the gas station and buy him a pack of smokes since he bought all of mine. I never asked him to, he just did. He knows he is in a horrible spot. He knows he needs to get out of it. He keeps talking about how he wants to be able to take me and my kids everywhere...and him pay for it. As far as AA...I know that I cannot solve all his problems. He was smoking pot 9 months ago, the day we met. He was a customer at my bar. I refused his phone number and of course his dinner invitation based solely on that. I heard through mutual friends he had quit (and there is proof now he has. He had to get a drug test for a company he applied to...and passed). So...we started talking while I was on my shift and then we went out to dinner. We ended up talking from 7pm - 7am at a denny's. I mean we went out during that time but went to denny's because everywhere else was closed and we didnt want to stop our conversation yet. He is so sweet and nice. Always putting me before his needs irregardless of how my posts sound. We could have something and thats why I stay. For now this is how I am handling it. Right or wrong..I dont know. I am sitting back and watching him. listening to how he talks. Watching how he acts. Paying attention to who he is as a person. Not just my bf. We arent that serious yet. We just admitted to each other there are feelings involved now. Although he has been thinking about asking me to move in. But I have made it clear that until his brother and stepson move out...this is not an option. Plus the fact that I am beginning the first semester of 8 years of college in 7 days...Ill be broke and not able to pay ANY bills. I will lose 2 days a week of my fulltime day job. But anyway...I have decided to try to slow it down. Maybe start spending a little less time over there. Trying to get back the use of my car. His other truck should be fixed this weekend if his friend doesnt blow him off again. I have sort of decided that I am going to wait and see what happens after his license is fixed. He swears left and right he is going to go work for NICOR. which is a good high paying job and he will be able to afford the house on his own. I guess I am just highly frustrated right now. I havent been really good at sharing since my divorce. I take on the attitude of i have 2 children that I am working 2 jobs to provide for. without child support from their dad (yes...I have filed a new application). The person I date should be providing for himself as well. I am tired of financially supporting someone. I did that to my exh since I was 15. now I am 27 and know better. We have been divorced since I was 22. He did the same thing to me that my bf is doing. And I think I am freaking out because of it. But do you see how back and forth I am. Look at my first few posts in this thread. Then I go out at lunch have a cigarette and calm down and I change. I am trying to be patient but its not working. just dont know what to do anymore.
Author almostthere Posted January 10, 2006 Author Posted January 10, 2006 Walk...Thanks for your reply. I always wondered what affect it will have on my kids if I go back to school now. I was 6 days shy of my 19th bday when my son was born. So my college plans were sidestepped I guess youd say. My exh sat around playing video games and being a lazy person who didnt seem to care about what went on in our lives. Thats a major reason I left. I at least want my kids to be around people that can teach them something. my exh couldnt do that. I am always teaching my kids things. everyday we try to learn something new. and now that my son is reading higher level books he is teaching me things too. Did you know that starfish after losing a limb regenerate it? I knew that part...BUT the limb they lose actually grows into a new starfish....that part i didnt know. All i am trying to do is whats best for my kids. They are all i truly care about. I never want to fail them. They keep me wanting to be a better person. Wanting to be able to make it just us 3 if we have to.
RainyDayWoman Posted January 10, 2006 Posted January 10, 2006 ...BUT the limb they lose actually grows into a new starfish....that part i didnt know. that's wicked cool if thats true...i didn't know that either.
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