LostImmigrant Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 I am a male immigrant from a very conservative country. A few years ago, I got married to a small-town conservative girl from my native country, and we have been living together in a liberal large city in USA. Over time, my views on many issues have considerably changed. Culturally, I feel more American than my home country. I now have a center/ slightly left of center views on social issues, and am an agnostic when it comes to religion. I have aged very well, and look and feel 10 years ago than my real age. I exercise, and regularly play volleyball, paddleboard, snorkel, and ski. I also like to go to concerts, stand up comedy shows etc. Even though I grew very poor, I have done well here financially in USA. On the other hand, my wife's views have remained constant and she has not adapted to USA way of life. She feels more at home in our native country than USA. She is not comfortable interacting with people who are not like her. She thinks homosexuality is abhorrent. She speaks English, but does not often understand the context, cultural or otherwise, a lot of times, which makes it difficult to watch standup comedy or Hollywood movies with her. She is fairly attractive physically, but is not interested in any physical activities. I feel like I need a partner with whom I can do more activities together with and have intellectual discussions. Right now, we both love travelling and eating out. But I watch movies/standup comedy shows/ concerts myself. I also take part in physical activities with other folks that I have come to know over time. When it comes to sex, she does not like to experiment, which I would love to do - sometimes it makes me want to seek sex outside of marriage. At work, I interact with highly talented people from across the world. When I interact with them in work and social settings, I feel I am missing out on life. I have invited to home new folks that I will like to interact with more, but eventually the new friendship goes nowhere after the first meeting. I feel that my wife's thoughts are not compatible with other people who think differently. She is a sweet small-town conservative girl who is very loyal to me. But I find that I need more than that. Someone with whom I can have discussions about various topics, but she is not as knowledgable, and her views are very rigid. What are my options? She is a nice person, but is she for me? Can I make it work? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 It's not often I'm lost for words, but this post has managed it. You've basically given us a word-soup about how great you are. Then you ask what your options are without even mentioning what divorce would mean for your wife And nobody cares that you look 10 years younger than your age. Please start this journey by getting your ego in check 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 How old were you when you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Well, this is what happens when people get married too young and without a clear idea of what they want. Your description sounds like you’re talking about a casual match from a dating website, not a wife. If what you feel about your wife is really “she is a nice person, but is she for me?”, then of course you should divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 3 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Well, this is what happens when people get married too young Did they get married too young? Not being argumentative, but there's so much information missing. We don't know their ages, or how long they've been married, or even if she left her home country for him Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostImmigrant Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 I got married at 25. More than age, it was the fact that we were both raised in a very protective, traditional, and conservative households. We were both immature. Moving to USA and interacting with other people made me question my beliefs and led to me changing my value system. It was a painful process. I care deeply about my wife, though I may not respect her beliefs a lot. During Covid, when our wide differences became apparent to me, I started blaming myself because I felt I changed, and she did not, and therefore the fault is mine. Those thoughts along with COVID induced loneliness led me to a six month long severe depression. Thankfully, I am out of that phase of my life, and I no longer blame myself for my wife for what happened in the past. As I look in the future, I think that we have become different persons in terms of our outlook, personalities, and desires. We do have common interests including traveling and eating out. Just not sure whether those shared interests are sufficient for us to lead rest of our life together, especially in USA. Back home in our native country, life is more social, and these differences are usually peppered out in interest of larger social good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostImmigrant Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 BTW, I am 36 now, and she is 34. She did leave the country for me, but she was perfectly ok with it. She does prefer to live with a large family, which is why she sometimes feels like going back. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 People often think that marrying someone from your same nationality/ethnicity means that you won't have cultural differences, but as you've demonstrated, that clearly isn't true. "Culture" can be a very individual thing, especially for people who have lived in more than one country. I can understand you to an extent: I wouldn't be able to tolerate being in a LTR with the vast majority of people from the country that I grew up in, for the same reason. However, you also have to give consideration to the fact that your wife has shown you who she is the entire time - she did not mislead you. You changed. This is fine and can even be a good thing, but basically it means that there was nothing that she could have done to prevent this. It's not her fault that things are the way they are. It's okay to choose to leave, and you should do that if you are seriously thinking about going behind her back and cheating (which would be vile, by the way). Just do it with gentleness and consideration for her - consider what both of your lives would look like after a separation, and do your best to make it easy for her to either get back to her home country or to settle in the US if she chooses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 (edited) Forgot to add this - it sounds like you think sex could be a lot better for you (hence the whole "wanting to seek it elsewhere" bit), but it also sounds like you've never actually had sex with anyone else before. Is this correct? If so, where are you getting your ideas of what other people do during sex? Hopefully, not from porn or Reddit? It's valid to want a more compatible sex partner, but realistically speaking most people don't get a 100% kink overlap and most people don't get to do everything they want to do in bed. You may also find that you yourself have a lot of room for improvement in that aspect. To be very frank, conservative cultures don't really prepare men to be good lovers. You might want to educate yourself on female sexuality and desire if you intend to set off on this journey by yourself (again, only AFTER leaving, not before!). Edited March 1 by Els 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 My advice to you is to tell your wife exactly what you posted and not turn to an internet site to tell you what you want to hear. Sure, it's fine to seek numerous opinions, but don't look for validation. Seriously, have you tried speaking to your wife about any of this in hopes that you both can sort through it? Sometimes the best advice you'll receive is from the partner your having the issues with. Lastly, your only 36. You are still young. That will not last forever or much longer. Take that how you will. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 On 3/1/2025 at 7:03 AM, LostImmigrant said: BTW, I am 36 now, and she is 34. She did leave the country for me, but she was perfectly ok with it. She does prefer to live with a large family, which is why she sometimes feels like going back. Well then offer for her to go back if that would make her happier. no one says you have to stay married to her if you’ve become less than happy being together. people change - some people don’t. You know what you’ll get if you stay. If that isn’t enough then talk to her about ending the marriage. See what that discussion brings to the table - that’s called getting honest with her. Link to post Share on other sites
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