Blue224 Posted February 28 Posted February 28 I’ve been seeing this guy for just over a month now. We met on hinge, met in person the next day, ended up spending 9 hours talking that night, walking outside, got dinner, hung out at his place, things went really well! Saw each other a couple times that week, I stayed over the next weekend and we slept together. I’ve been sleeping over almost every weekend since, hanging out a bit during the week (mostly walks and lunch) and things are amazing. We have so much in common and we have an incredible connection. But he told her early on about his past relationship trauma and how clingy and manipulative his exes were so he wants to ‘take things slow’ but I don’t know what that means! We had a lovely valentines date night, he tells me he loves being with me and that he’s falling for me, sends hearts and cute texts all the time. I’m falling in love with him and I’m pretty sure he is too but I don’t know how long things are going to stay like this? He’s specifically said that it’s a “relationship with a lower case r” and that we’re just ‘seeing each other’ but it feels far more serious than that.
Mrin Posted February 28 Posted February 28 Okay so what are you wanting from him? It seems like you both are throwing off very normal boyfriend/girlfriend vibes. Are you wanting him to say this is a capital R relationship? That kind of feels like just semantics to be honest with you. Are you wanting a declaration of exclusivity? To me that seems very normal. Have you had that conversation yet? What is it that you're actually wanting?
basil67 Posted February 28 Posted February 28 1 hour ago, Blue224 said: But he told her early on about his past relationship trauma and how clingy and manipulative his exes were so he wants to ‘take things slow’ In my books, this is a big red flag. Sure, everyone is allowed one (or perhaps two) crazy ex(s), but when someone has a heap of allegedly crazy exes, they are the constant. Look at this guy who wants to "take things slow" and "says this is lower case r relationship" and also complains about exes being clingy. You know why they were clingy? I'd lay money that he was holding them at arms length. You know how I knew my husband was a good guy? It was because he had no baggage and nothing bad to say about his exes. 3
Gebidozo Posted February 28 Posted February 28 Hmm, tough call. On the one hand, there is absolutely nothing abnormal about taking things slowly and not putting on labels, as @Mrin says. On the other hand, as @basil67 says, excessive badmouthing of exes is a red flag indeed. Proceed with caution. 1
Georgia46 Posted February 28 Posted February 28 I feel like it sounds like it’s going really fast after only one month. Surely that’s too soon for labels etc?
ShyViolet Posted March 1 Posted March 1 I'm not sure what you expect when you've only been seeing him a little over a month. It sounds like you are trying to rush things a little bit. What you describe is just totally normal for the early days of dating. 17 hours ago, Blue224 said: that we’re just ‘seeing each other’ but it feels far more serious than that. Why would you use the word "serious" about a guy you met a little over a month ago? That seems a little ridiculous. I think you just need to stop overthinking and let this develop.
NuevoYorko Posted March 2 Posted March 2 Whoa Nelly. You are going way too FAST. Yes, stop overthinking, looking for labels and future planning - you need to just be present to experience what is actually happening as you two are getting to know each other. You've plunged in so fully that you're probably in store for a bit of an awakening when things fail to proceed at this level all the time, but it's pretty difficult to sustain.
smackie9 Posted March 4 Posted March 4 (edited) On 2/28/2025 at 12:57 AM, basil67 said: In my books, this is a big red flag. Sure, everyone is allowed one (or perhaps two) crazy ex(s), but when someone has a heap of allegedly crazy exes, they are the constant. Look at this guy who wants to "take things slow" and "says this is lower case r relationship" and also complains about exes being clingy. You know why they were clingy? I'd lay money that he was holding them at arms length. You know how I knew my husband was a good guy? It was because he had no baggage and nothing bad to say about his exes. This 100%^^^. He pours it on hot and fast to hoover you in hard...you are right this isn't going to last. He gets it all going then loses interest calls you crazy for getting clingy when you are just being normally concerned as to why he's pulled away/keeps you at bay. Girl you need to run away as fast as you can. Edited March 4 by smackie9 3
MsJayne Posted March 4 Posted March 4 His exes were clingy and manipulative? I'm guessing he is in fact the manipulative one. He's already started manipulating you, because he's put it out there that "clingy" women, (translation - women who expect to be treated with respect and not dicked around), annoy him, and you're meant to respond by making a note to yourself never to appear clingy, (which probably means questioning him about the status of your relationship). I'd back right off and stop being available because he sounds like that guy who likes to keep the girlfriend space filled until Ms Right comes along.
FredEire Posted March 5 Posted March 5 (edited) As a guy and a recovering flaky dater, I'd say "taking it slow" from a guy usually means he wants to continue seeing you and sleeping with you but he's not getting the kind of feelings that he wants to pursue a relationship. If you'd already proposed to him or something I'd say it's a reasonable comment but short of that it sounds like he's getting his excuses in early. Edited March 5 by FredEire 1
Interstellar Posted March 5 Posted March 5 (edited) He wants to take it slow huh? he did everything but slow! 9 hour talks, sleeping over every weekend, etc. etc. no wonder you’re confused. And you should not have slept with him. Edited March 5 by Interstellar
Alvi Posted March 6 Posted March 6 Wait, hold on, he is not taking it slow if he is sleeping with you within a week or two knowing you. This is as fast as it can get, lol. Going slow means going on dates, talking, doing activities, learning about each other, holding hands, etc. Not that there should be anything serious after only one month of dating. I think it's a given and he should not even mention this to you. What he is saying to you is that he is perfectly fine having sex with you but doesn't want any other commitment. I would really stay away from guy who want to go slow or say that they are looking for friends first, because it's usually means that the guy is not looking for anything serious. 3
enterthevoid Posted March 23 Posted March 23 He told exactly what he wants. He wants sex, but he's not ready for a commitment. If you are okay with this, that's fine. But if you only want a serious relationship and you're not interested in casual, don't wait on him.
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